Category Ask the Psychologist

My parents beat me up if I talk to anyone on phone or if I go out with friends. They don’t give me any pocket money. They are always asking me, whom do I talk to in school. I don’t know what to do. Please help me. At times I feel like running away from home or joining a hostel. Why do we have so many restrictions at this stage when earlier I could go anywhere without any problem?

One of the better ways to handle this is to directly talk to your mother or father (towards whom you feel more comfortable and uninhibited) and express your feelings frankly to them. Find out the reasons for their allowing you the needed freedom. Assure them that you will abide by what they say and will spend the pocket money only on the items they permit. It is in you on convince them that you will not go astray or get into my problems. With the kind of atmosphere these days, parents naturally worry a lot for their daughter lest anyone hurts her. Running away from home is not a solution, but if you want and if they permit, you can definitely move into a hostel.

Anything you do, should be able to make your parents feel confident that you will not be hurt but will be safe. They have to trust you and your ability to look after yourself.

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My friends come to me only when they have some work. Otherwise they don’t. But since I like making friends, I welcome them in spite of this. Is it right?

Since you like having friends, your approach and attitude are fine as you welcome them. However, do not feel negative about them as it would lead to disappointment and frustration within you and accordingly your behaviour towards your friends will also change to negative. Always keep an open mind and do not go with the pre-conceived notion that your friends come to you only when they have some work with you. Such thoughts will undermine all friendships. A friendship must have considerable freedom and a lot of give and take on both sides. Negative thinking from either you or the other person will not lead to a happy or healthy friendship.

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My mother is always telling me that she is going to die. How can I relieve her of this fear? She is also complaining that the money my father gives to her is not sufficient for her to live properly. How can I help her?

One way to tell your mother is to reassure her that you are all with her and that she need not worry about anything. A person dies only when the time to die comes. Worrying about death and fearing it would only make her feel miserable. A coward dies a thousand deaths while a brave person dies just once. Tell her these and make her face death bravely. Also just check what is it about death that she is so scared about. Once she faces her fears clearly and in a descriptive way, her fears will reduce considerably.

As for her relationship with your father she has to handle it entirely on her own. You cannot take up sides. Help her to take courage in her hands and ask her husband to give her more money, etc. It is for help to do this and I think you must help her to face her husband and her problems with him without fear and worry.

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I am a student of class X. I am always getting 6th or 7th rank. Though I aim higher, during exam time I just don’t feel like studying. I am very scared of not scoring high in class X examination. Please guide me.

You seem to be quite bright and intelligent as you are getting 6th or 7th rank. Continue working methodically and systematically, do your practice exercises the way you have been doing all along. Then you need to only revise at the time of exams.

But all this you should do without getting anxious that you may score lower than your expectations. It is important to remember that when we get anxious our efficiency level goes down considerably as anxiety and fears consume a lot of energy and very little is left for performance. So relax and take deep breaths whenever you feel anxious or scared and restart your work and go ahead methodically. This is one of the best ways of handling worries and anxiety about exams and not doing well in them.

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I want to be a choreographer. I am brilliant at dancing but my parents will never allow it. I think one should join a field of his/her choice. Why don’t parents understand this?

You are right that you should be allowed to join the field of your choice. There are two ways of handling this: Take up choreography as your hobby while continuing to pursue the field your parents want you to take up as you wouldn’t want to hurt them or be in conflict with them, or talk to your parents frankly about your liking for choreography, get trained in the art from a well reputed institution and then take up choreography as your field of choice. Once your parents know what is involved and how much you hanker for it, they would not mind your choice. But you should be very clear about what you want.

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