Category Ask the Psychologist

Getting rid of thoughts that you do not like is entirely in your hands. Your mind is yours and you alone are master of it. If you decide not to allow the thoughts to bother you, only you can stop them. You can say ‘stop’ to yourself the moment the thoughts appear, and then for a while divert your attention to something you enjoy. In the beginning you may be able to stop the thoughts for a while but as you practice this technique you can get rid of them for longer periods and then permanently. Always remember that the mind is yours and you can stop the thoughts you don’t want the mind to ponder.

As for daydreaming, it is a kind of wish fulfilment. Many of our desires and wishes remain unfulfilled and in many cases we feel disappointed when something we want does not materialise. These unfulfilled desires at times appear in our daydreams. There is nothing wrong if you have an occasional short duration daydream. But if you do want to stop it, as I said earlier, it is in your hands to stop it by deliberately diverting your attention to something more meaningful and interesting.

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I have just completed my graduation and hope to join my father’s business, alongside doing a masters’ course by correspondence. However, there is one thing about myself that totally shatters my confidence. I am troubled by my ugliness. I am hopelessly ugly. I have taken after my father’s family, so I am short and dark, with terrible features. When I look at my friends, I feel very jealous of them. I also feel angry with my parents for having given me such awful features. I fear that I will never get a good life partner because I am so ugly.

In this world, we have both good and not-so-good looking individuals and not much can be done to alter their basic appearance. Yet, there are parlours and salons that help you learn how to dress better and look smarter. I am sure that if you attend such a course for a few days you would feel more confident about your appearance. However, inner beauty, confidence and a fine character can make up for your uncomplimentary looks. Instead of thinking of your looks, try to think about your best qualities, character and achievements. Always think positive. If you start liking yourself for what you have, I am sure many of your difficulties will disappear and you will be able to achieve your goals.

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I am becoming very foul mouthed. Though I don’t intend to hurt people, I do end up annoying them. My friends have started avoiding me. I even shocked my mother the other day by abusing her. How do I control my habit?

Control is in your hands. Remember it is your mind and you alone are responsible for your actions. If you decide not to abuse anyone, you will not. Whenever you get the urge to abuse, count backwards from 10 to 1 and then react to the situation. This small interval when you count from 10 to 1 will give you ample time to re-word your response and reaction.

Remember the time when you never used to be foul mouthed. That means you can still continue to talk to people without being abusive.

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Whenever I go to a party with friends, I come home and cook up a story. But my parents don’t believe a word of it. Now, my brother tells the same tales, they believe him. This infuriates me. Why do they believe the tales of one son and not the other? I feel very small when they treat me like this.

Remember you will gain respect and regard when you speak the truth with others whether they are your parents, friends or relatives. Truth always makes others feel good about you. Going for parties is not wrong but going for them without your parents’ consent and later lying to them not just makes you feel bad but also makes you think they are not on your side or appreciating you. With regard to your parents, you can always directly ask them why they believe your brother and not you. Their reply will enlighten you regarding their behavior.

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I get bullied very easily. Nowadays, I have stopped talking to a good friend of mine because of pressure from another friend. I am feeling very bad about cutting off from this good friend. But if I start talking to her, my other friend will be very upset. How do I keep both the friends happy at the same time? I do not want to antagonize either of the two.

You are highly susceptible and don’t have confidence in your own decisions. This tendency to cling to someone to get his or her favor is an indication of lack of confidence. In this case that you have cried, all you have to do is start talking with your friend even if the first friend gets a little disappointed. That is, if you want to talk to her, do so. When you do things you want and what you think is right, others will begin to respect you for the same. But if you succumb to pressure from others to do things their way you will never be happy within. You can keep both your friends happy by beginning to talk with your friend and bringing her over to the other friend also. All three of you, I am sure, have lots in common, which you can share.

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I am a student of class IX. My problem is shyness. I am not able to give an answer even if I know it. I also suffer from stage fright. I am not bold and courageous. My father insists that I participate in competitions. I feel that I will not be able to speak on the stage. Please help me. I feel miserable that I will not succeed in life if I do not overcome my shyness.

Since you are aware that you are shy and have stage fright, you should also understand that this shyness would disappear if you have confidence in yourself. The fear that may fail when you are on the stage makes you afraid of the stage. Similarly the fear that you may not come up to others’ expectations and the anxiety that others would think negatively of you makes you shy. This can be overcome if you start thinking positively and take up such tasks, which you can complete successfully. If someone gives you work, complete it as well as you can and take pride in what you have achieved. Even complex tasks can be successfully accomplished if you spend time thinking how best you can complete it. Think of the different ways in which you can solve the problem and choose the best out of them. This way you will gain confidence in yourself and the fear of having to bear criticism will also disappear. You can thus overcome your shyness. In addition you can do breathing exercises for about three or four minutes just before you take up a task or just before going on stage for some programme.

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