Category Ask the Psychologist

I was in a relationship with a boy of my age. We were always there for each other. But, his friends poisoned his mind and told him false stories about my best friend and I; that we are in a relationship behind his back. Due to this, my boyfriend broke up with me. I know he still loves me and I too love him a lot, but I don’t know what I should do now.

Looks like you and your boyfriend shared a supportive relationship. You miss him a lot and would very much like to have him back.

However, if he has allowed his friends to ‘poison his mind’, it looks like he didn’t trust you much, unless something happened to break that trust. It is important to reflect on why your friendship with your “best friend” has caused so much trouble. Did you spend more time with your best friend than with your boyfriend? What could have happened to make his friends say that you and your best friend were ‘in a relationship behind his back’?

Looks like he is unwilling to speak to you. If he is willing to talk – as you say you are quite sure he still loves you – then ask him for a meet. Find out what has made him upset, as well as discuss your feelings and clear the misunderstandings. However, if he is unwilling to meet and listen to your point of view and your feelings, then you need to let go.

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I am deeply in love with a girl who is a year younger to me. I think about her every day. I even proposed to her, but she rejected it. I’ve been in love with her for more than a year. We often meet, too. Our mutual friends think that we’re perfect for each other. But, she thinks of me as just a friend. The good thing is that my feelings for her don’t affect my studies in any way. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt this way about any girl.

Looks like you have a crush on this girl and she is quite special for you.

If she doesn’t return your feelings, there is nothing much that you can do, except enjoy your friendship, for that too is a precious relationship.

A year is a long time for one-sided feelings. While it is great that it is not getting in the way of your studies, it does take up your mind-space – time that could be spent on developing your personality, your talents and hobbies, etc. Meeting her often, and having your friends to tell you you’re ‘perfect for each other’ won’t help you to move on with your life. So, help yourself to move on. Ask your friends to stop discussing about you as “a perfect pair”, meet her less often. Make new friends, too. One day you will meet someone who will return your feelings and you will find that to be more fulfilling.

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I am the eldest son in my family. I have two younger sisters, aged 7 and 12. My parents are very protective of them and can’t stand any wrong done against them. I enjoy playing or fooling with my sisters but my parents don’t like it. They assume that I will “harm” them. They don’t trust me with my sisters. I am older, chronologically and physically, and there’s a possibility of me harming them. My parents also think I’m not good enough in studies and compare me with them. No matter how hard I work, my parents assume that I don’t do anything good. The other day when I was playing with my siblings and one of them got injured and my parents threatened to “send me away”. When I confronted them and asked if they really meant what they said, they replied: “Yes, we want you to go”. They don’t love me. Why?

Looks like you feel quite confused by your parents’ behaviour. It makes you feel unloved. Before anything, do reflect on what you have shared, it will help you find your answers: What kind of ‘play’ or ‘fooling around’ do you do? You may have no intention of harming them, but the reality is that one of them accidentally got injured. ‘What ‘trouble’ do your parents have to say: ‘we don’t need you around to cause….’? What makes them think you ‘don’t do anything good’?

Has any of the above happened before? If yes, it is natural that your parents are concerned about your sisters’ safety, and also about your behaviour. If you want to win back your parents’ trust, here are some changes you need to make in your behaviour:

1. Find different ways to show affection to your sisters. Perhaps you can show you care by playing board games or by helping them in some way. Be an encouraging and supportive older brother.

2.  Make friends with other people of your age. Channel your energy into exercises and sports. Focus on your future, your career, your hobbies, etc. Take responsibility and offer to help at home.

3. Reach out to your parents. Share your feelings with them: “I feel very hurt when you ask me to go.” Ask: “What can I do differently that we can get on better?” Tell them you want to make them feel proud of you and ask them what would make them feel proud of you. If they won’t agree to a conversation ask a trusted older person to help. Only when your parents see a change in you, they will begin to trust you; and when you change you will feel better about yourself.

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I regularly receive SMS messages from an unknown person. I think he is a good person. But even though he sounds fine, I get disturbed. I asked him not to send any more messages, but still he sends them. I don’t want to tell my parents about this because they would worry. What should I do?

You seem to be torn between what you should do and what you want to do.

My two-word answer: Block him. Today’s smartphones allow us to both block and report any contact that disturbs us.

However, it is important to reflect on why you haven’t blocked him till now, though he is an ‘unknown person’ and you ‘get disturbed’. Is it because you want to continue receiving SMS messages from this ‘unknown person’? Is it because you like the attention you get? At the same time, you ‘get disturbed’ or you feel a bit guilty and afraid? What makes you tell yourself that he is ‘a very good person’, though you don’t know him at all? What kind of a person is he if he does not stop messaging even though you have asked him not to?

You do not even know who he is, nor his age, location, family, friends… For a healthy relationship, you have to interact with persons openly – not just alone, but also in family and social settings. You have taken a huge personal safety risk in interacting with a total stranger… and your parents will not just worry, but will also be angry.

Your actions are accompanied by responsibility and consequences. What you decide to do should bring you safety first. The best thing to do is to block him.

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I used to study in an all-boys’ school and now I have moved to a co-ed school. I am very shy in making friends with girls. I like a girl and want to be friends with her. Should I approach her and say that I want to be her friend?

It seems your inexperience in social interaction with girls makes you feel too shy to approach a girl whom you like. While it is perfectly fine to approach someone and say, “I want to be friends with you,” it can make the other person feel uncomfortable because she doesn’t know you enough.

A good way forward would be to first make friends with both guys and girls in a mixed-gender group that you can learn to interact with girls without pressure. If this girl hangs out in a mixed-gender group, you can try to join that group.

When you feel a bit confident, you can make friends with her directly, or find a common friend first. Take one step at a time. Smile at her… and at other girls, too. Work up to a ‘hi’ and then find an opportunity to begin a conversation. Find out what she is interested in and what your common interests are. This way, if you both become good friends, it’s wonderful, if not, you still have learnt how to be comfortable making friends with girls.

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I am a 19-year-old girl in a relationship for the past one year. My partner is extremely loving and considerable. But he has a very close friend who dislikes me and constantly tries to control his life. She demands that he ask her permission before he does anything. Her behavior irritates me a lot as she even gets annoyed with him when he meets me. I have talked to him about this; he says he loves me madly but can’t afford lose that friend. I now feel very insecure though I know that I am the only one for him.

Looks like your partner’s “best” friend’s behavior makes you frustrated and insecure, and she has become an irritating thorn in your side.

What matters more is not what she does and how she behaves; but how he handles both her and you. How does he respond when she demands that she asks for her permission before he does anything? Is he able to keep her in her place – that of a friend – while according to you your place is as his partner? If you do not like the way he handles the situation, then this lady will continue to aggravate your relationship.

However, if you choose to stay, then have a positive conversation about setting relationship boundaries. Set aside the time with your partner and share your feelings. Jointly decide what the boundaries are – in which areas this friend is allowed into your lives and where is she not. It is important to sensitize your partner to the fact that this line between love and friendship is strongly needed for a healthy relationship.

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