Category Ask the Psychologist

In recent days my father and mother are in depression due to financial problems and frequently fight with each other. My brother and I get worried and blame each other for the troubles. How can I stop these fights and bring my family together?

You are understandably worried about your parents – their frequent fights due to financial problems make you quite tense. It is unclear why you and your brother ‘blame each other for the troubles’, but instead of playing the blame game, help your family to take positive steps to find solutions to the problem.

Empathize with your parents and appreciate them – tell them that you know that it must be a difficult time for them and that they are worried about how to manage, especially to provide a good life for you both. Then suggest that you can have a discussion and agree to the different ways in which the family can reduce expenses. Also encourage your parents to think of different ways in which they can generate more income. As youngsters, you too may have new ideas to share.

Det aside family time: Pray together, eat together and share simply joys despite hardships. Most of all, as a family build hope and express gratitude for what you have received and are still to receive.

If you still think that they are depressed and unable to help themselves, encourage them to seek help from a professional counsellor: now, there are several helplines available.

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I am a student of Class 12. I have a problem in my study. Earlier when I used to get bad marks in exams it really affected me and gave me the will to study harder. But no matter how much time I put into studying I was still not improving which eventually turned me into a person who is hardly affected by marks and is not taking my studies seriously. While trying to improve myself in studies my whole life I never really indulged in other activities much, so I don’t have other talents. I want to change myself, but how?

You sound so very discouraged and have almost given up on yourself. But I am glad you said, ‘I want to change myself’. However, you don’t need to change yourself; instead you need to change how you learn.

By ‘studying hard’ I assume everyone means to cram for many hours to try to remember stuff. How about doing it differently? Study smart instead.

Effective study involves being able to actively recall what you have learned. So, a) Clarify all doubts and understand the topic, b) Transfer information from one form to another form which suits you, e.g., listen to a lecture and take notes or draw visuals/diagrams; Audio record key points and play it back later. Make studies fun: You can make a comic strip, study memes and more!, c) Actively recall by writing, reciting (you can do this even while dancing, tossing a ball, etc.), drawing, and most importantly doing a mock test – and what you don’t know, revise it again.

Also, study according to your brain’s needs: Study with focus for 25-minutes at a stretch, followed by a ‘reward break’ where you do something relaxing and creative. If you do this daily, then 2-3 hours a day is sufficient. Revise topics that you have already learned at regular intervals, instead of studying them just once. The rest of the time, develop a hobby/talent and also relax – it is equally important. Good luck!

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A girl in my class always creates a misunderstanding between me and my best friend. My friend trusts her blindly and fights with me for nothing. I can’t do without talking to my friend and I find this situation unbearable.

Looks like you feel really helpless and annoyed when your best friend blindly trusts the other girl in your class, and fights with you. If it takes such little effort to make her fight with you, then it is obvious that she doesn’t exactly trust you – and trust is the foundation of friendship. In that case, it seems that you consider her your best friend more than she considers you her best friend.

If this friendship means so much to you, then it is important to have a frank conversation with her and understand what triggers her to fight with you. Let her know that it hurts you when she does this. If she does care about you, the mutually decide what action either of you can takr if someone tries to create misunderstanding between you both – perhaps you can check with each other before drawing conclusions or taking action. If she doesn’t agree to participate, or change her responses, then I’m afraid you better of finding new friends who trust you as much as you trust them!

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I’m in Class IX. I had a girl friend, but broke up and now I don’t have any friends. I’m feeling sad. Help me.

You must be upset after your break-up. It is necessary to overcome your loss. Be open about your feelings to someone you trust. Do not feel bad about yourself and remember that you are not alone. Think about the good things about yourself. Take care of yourself with proper food and sleep. Divert your mind by doing things you like. Initiate efforts to talk to others and make new friends. Give yourself time to get over your loss. It is okay to cry – letting out your feelings is very important. Remember that things will change if you help yourself. Focus on your studies and do your best. If you still find it difficult to overcome your sadness meet a counsellor or a therapist to help you out.

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I am in Class VIII, and I love to study. My IQ is good, but these days I find subjects hand. My parents are scolding me since I’m not doing well in studies. I want to increase my percentage and my study hours from two to six every day, as it can help me ace the Boards and also improve my self-confidence. Please help me.

I appreciate your interest in studying. It’s good that you want to improve. It is not the number of hours you spend studying that matters but the quality of time spent. The way you study and how you are able to produce what you’ve learnt during examinations are very important to get good marks. Here are a few strategies for you:

• Follow a schedule: Plan you study so that you are clear on what you must complete. This schedule has to be followed regularly. Study every day.
• Stop procrastination: Do not postage studying. When you accumulate work, you might become anxious and will not be able to study well.
• Choose the right place to study: It must have no distractions. A well-lit and ventilated study place is equally important.
• Avoid distractions: More away from television, mobile phones, games etc. during study time.
• Take short breaks: A break every 45 min or one hour of study is good. When you study for a long time, you mind will lose attention and focus. Your mind also needs a break to refresh.
• Regular physical exercise: This is very important to keep you mind and body alert.
• Learning style:  Discover your dominant style of learning. Some of us are visual learners, some, auditory learners, and some, kinesthetic learners –learning through experiments and activities. Each one has a style, and if you can identify your style, you will learn better. We may have a combination of all these styles, but the dominant style helps us learn better.
• Stay healthy: A proper and balanced diet is very important, especially in your growing years.
• Stay motivated: As you move to higher classes, the work load will work load will increase. The motivation to do well and consistent hardwork will help you do better.

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In am very good at sports. But when I concentrate on sports, I lag behind in studies and vice-versa. I am confused. How can I balance both? Please help me.

It is nice that you’re good at both sports and studies. But you must strike a balance so that you are not overwhelmed. Take time to understand your goals and interests, and decide accordingly. Here are a few tips for effective management:

• Plan you week/months: Be aware of upcoming school activities and sport activities to help prepare yourself mentally and physically.
• Prepare a timetable: Make a list of tasks to divide time between sports and school work.
• Set priorities: You are best judge, plan for the most important work first and then for the rest. This way you will help yourself finish work according to your priority and then do the rest.
• Avoid procrastination: once you schedule your work, stick to it. When you postpone it, it becomes an overload and you will feel exhausted.
• Time management: Make maximum use of time – for instance u, use free time at school to complete work. Avoid distinctions such as social media, gaming, mobile phones, television, etc.
• Do not forget you goal:  when you have to balance sports and academics, you have to remember your purpose and go by your decisions.
• Warming signs:  Proper sleep and food are very important. Never ignore any warming signals such as sleeping during class, feeling exhausted etc. these are signs that you are getting overloaded. Make changes accordingly.
• Seek helps: Do not hesitate to approach your parents and school for help when there is need for it.

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