Category Ask the Psychologist

I am 18 years old, and I just completed my first year of college. This summer to take summer classes due to which I stay busy with my course work. I also have a part-time job due to which my schedule is hectic. My grandparents have lots of expectations from me, but they don’t see how much I’m struggling with life. I don’t have any social life. The only thing going on in my life is work and study. This gets me so frustrated, and my morale falls. The problem is that my grandparents don’t let me have a social life; they only want me to study and work which frustrates me. Sometimes I even feel depressed. Please help me.

You are living with my grandparents who care for you and have lots of expectations from you. The problem is that your schedule is hectic due to your commitments: summer classes and a part-time job. I do not know what happened to your parents but I presume they are not in position to help you and cover your expenses. No doubt you and your grandparents are struggling with this situation. You are now worried that you don’t have a social life; your life is work and study. You should decide what is most important in your life in this particular situation. You have a choice between completing your education and earning enough to build your future or giving up all that and search for social life. The best choice for you in this moment is the first one; while studying and working you will build many relationships which will keep you in touch with the surrounding community and local culture. You can socialize while studying and working. Be grateful to your grandparents for taking care of you and build good friends among your fellow students and workers.

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I am 14 years old. I want to sign up on some social networks like Instagram, Facebook, etc. but I can’t because my elder brother won’t let me do so. What should I do?

Regarding signing up on some social networks at the age of 14 it is better that you get the approval of your family. Your elder brother is against it; therefore you could also get the opinion of your parents. If they too are against it, I advise you to respect their opinion. They may be afraid that you will waste a lot of time on these networks and neglect your studies. If you do well in your studies they may change their minds and allow you. Study well now, social networks can wait.

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I’m in Class XI. I’m usually good at anything I take up – painting, drawing, vehicles, creating science models, gaming, writing poems, gardening, carrying out chemistry experiments, etc. But, because of this, I do not know what I’m very good at to make it my special hobby. Also, I’m good at any sport I take up. But the thing is, I also get bored with it after a while, and all the gear related to that sport become useless, and I feel guilty about wasting my parents’ money. Now, I’ve become lazy and started gaining weight. How can I balance my interests and health?

You seem to have a wide variety of interests and are also good at many things. This is good as long as you are able to focus on your priorities. You could list down your interests and clear the clutter. Do a cost-benefit analysis of your interests. Weigh the pros and cons. It is okay to explore and experiment, but introspect and proceed further. Set realistic goals. Rather than feeling guilty, bring back your thoughts into action in a healthy way. Sports and other interests can be managed if you plan your time effectively. Prioritize, plan and act, and you will be able to reach your goal.

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I am in Class XII. I have a big dreams and good ideals about life. I love learning. I also feel motivated to work. But the problem is I cannot transform my thoughts into action. How can I overcome this laziness, which I think developed when I was in Class IX?

I appreciate your interest in wanting to achieve something in life and that you are motivated to work. A combination of both internal (satisfaction, etc.) and external (rewards etc.) motivation is essential. The laziness you feel can be altered with conscious effort. Here are a few tips:

• Have a schedule: Planning your activities for the day, week and month is very important. Your plans have to be realistic and achievable.
• Don’t overthink: When we keep thinking about our plans without getting started on them, we tend to lose a lot of time and get stuck.
• Break it down into parts: When you look at anything as a large picture, you may get perplexed and tend to postpone it. Instead break it down into parts, and you will not feel the pressure.
• Think about the benefits: There is no gain without pain. When we think about the benefits of any action, we will be motivated to do it.
• Positive self-talk: Self-motivation is very essential to achieve your goal. Think positively and tell positive things about yourself, to stay motivated.
• Exercise, sleep and diet: Proper physical exercise, a balance diet and seven to eight hours of sleep are essential to focus on your daily activities.
• Avoid distractions: Take care to focus on your work and avoid distractions of any kind. Reduce screentime through mobile phones, television or similar devices.
• Introspect your work: Self-analysis is very helpful. Introspect your activities and appreciate yourself for the good things. Take steps to make changes wherever necessary.

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I never get angry. Even if I do, I always hide it because I feel that if I don’t, people will get hurt. But once, I got really angry and I regret it deeply. Can you give me tips to control my anger?

Anger is a natural emotion, and when it is not expressed in a healthy way, it leads to physical and mental health issues and problems with our work, with people etc. Here are a few tips to manage your anger.

• Take up deep-breathing exercises; practice yoga.
• When you have negative thoughts, your mind gets cluttered. Whenever you sense a mood change, direct your mind towards something healthy.
• Understand why you are angry; identify the triggers and the warning signs. Many a time, we get angry because of frustration, disappointments, anxiety or such. Only if you identify the cause and resolve it will you not be angry again.
• If you look at a situation from a different perspective, you may be willing to forgive others’ mistakes.
• Be in the present, and keep going. Learn from your past and take care to not repeat it.
• Keep yourself physically engaged. Take up a sport or a hobby to give vent to your feelings.
• Whenever you get angry, count from 100 to 1. It could help you slow down, think and act.
• Keep yourself hydrated by drinking lots of fluids.

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I am in Class VII. I liked a boy very much, and he liked me too. We were family friends; we’d liked each other from when we were in Class I. Last year, he died in an accident. I cannot forget him. This makes me so upset, I’m unable to concentrate on anything, including studies; I am unable to move on.

It is very sad to know about your loss and the trauma you are undergoing at this young age. It is very natural to feel sad. Dealing with the loss of a close friend is not easy. The process of grieving is different for each person. It depends on each person’s personality, coping mechanisms, lifestyle and how close the person was to you. There is no right or wrong way of grieving, and each individual takes her own time. The most essential fact is that you have to accept the loss and come back to reality. Recall god memories involving your friend. Give yourself time to overcome the loss. Do not be hard on yourself. Remember that you are not alone and that there are many who have overcome similar loss in life. Do not suppress your feelings, it is very important to let it out. Talk to someone who can listen to you. Keep yourself occupied with some physical activity or a hobby, or listen to good music. Make new friends and do not stay alone. Healthy distractions are very essential at this point of time. You are very young and you have a lot to achieve in life. Stay motivated and positive to do your best. Time is the best healer.

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