Category Ask the Psychologist

I’m 16 years old. My parents are too controlling of me. I have never gone out with my friends. I have no privacy, they keep checking my phone. I’m not allowed to play video games or watch television even on weekends. They don’t let me take breaks while studying. When I try to reason with them and ask them to be liberal, they shout at me or beat me. My father even calls me names. They get angry for everything and keep yelling at me for the smallest of things – for losing half-a-mark, for not drinking eight glasses of water every day, for not eating enough, for not socializing, for not doing well in competitions, etc. Also they keep comparing me with my cousins saying they are better at academics, sports etc. I’m a teachers’ favourite because I do well in academics and competitions. But my parents still find fault with me, I feel demoralized.

It is indeed very frustrating and natural for anyone to get upset and demoralized when your efforts and achievements are not recognized and your parents’ expectations are not met. I appreciate your resilience to still do well in spite of all the pressure. But this stress is mot healthy as you are susceptible to burnout. What is very important is to talk to your parents about your concerns. Seek the help of trusted adults to help you talk to them. All parents want their children to be at their best, but many a time they forget that each child has his or her own identity and limitations. You should never give up your identity. Be clear on their expectations and how much you can do. Your goals have to be SMART – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-Bound. You cannot fix goals suitable for others. Everyone needs time to relax. Take time off for some physical activity. Spend quality time with friends. A healthy diet and good sleep are also very important to keep your mind and body fit.

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I’m in Class X. My voice is changing–it sounds very hoarse sometimes and sometimes like a girl’s. I’m constantly teased for this. How can I control my voice?

You are adolescent and voice change is natural. It happens to both boys and girls, though, in girls, it is not very evident. It is caused by hormonal changes and the expansion of larynx (voice box). Controlling your voice might not help. Be your own self. Talk to adults in your family or friends and you will realize they went through it too. In a matter of days or months, your vocal chord will settle down and you will feel much better.

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I seem to have an unusual problem. I’m in Class XI. I’m usually very patient hardly lose my cool, even in extreme situations. I don’t even react and keep it all bottled up within me. In fact, people take advantage of my patience. However, when I reach the breaking point, instead of having an outburst, I start crying. When this happens, I’m called a coward. What do I do?

It is not good idea to suppress your feelings, positive or negative. When emotions get bottled up, it is natural to have an outburst, and many a time it happens at an undesirable time, leading to misunderstanding and prove in relationships. Also, it is not healthy for the body to undergo this stress. Suppressing one’s emotions leads to poor quality of life; managing them leads to a healthy ways of life. It is very important to find out healthy ways of letting out unwanted feelings towards any situation or person. Most importantly, you need to accept the fact that it is okay to get angry. Be assertive without being rude or arrogant. Withdrawal from the situation will not solve the problem. Try art forms such as music, dance, painting etc. since they are cathartic and can calm your mind. Meditation and relaxation exercises too are helpful. Journalizing your thoughts will be a healthy way of letting go of your feelings.

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My mom is very understanding, but my dad is dictatorial. He just wants me to listen to whatever he says; it is never a two-way communication. I just have to accept what he says. He behaves the same way when my mother gets into the conversation and tries to argue for me. How can I make him understand that we have our own feelings and preferences?

During your teens, you develop your own identity, choices, views and opinions. Children have to be given the space to express their opinion. It helps them make decisions with the support of the elders. Parents have the responsibility to correct them when they are wrong and guide them. It is good that your mother is able to support you. You father may not be able to accept any difference in opinion. It is not good to argue with him. Rather, approach him when the atmosphere is calm. Tell him about your feelings and concerns in a gentle manner when he is ready to listen. Ask for his approval. The time you choose to when he is tired or busy. Parents’ intentions are good but many a time the way it is imposed on children is not acceptable. Try to understand his concerns. Mutual trust and respect are important. Seek the help of trusted adults who can help you. Be calm and do not become anxious. If you still need any help. Get professional help and meet a counsellor.

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I’m an adolescent girl attracted to girls. I was happy about Section 377, but not many are okay with it and now the whole school just gives me weird looks. I’m feeling hopeless, not knowing whom to talk to about this because my friends are too immature to understand it. Please help.

Every individual has their own sexual orientation and it is natural. Although the LGBT community faces societal pressures, there is definitely more openness today in accepting them. Remember you are not alone and that there are many who experience such feelings during adolescence. What is essential is the “coming out”. You need a lot of support to manage your emotions. It needs a lot of courage to “come out”, and in order to do that, identify a person you trust to talk freely to. Seek their help, and approach a psychologist or counsellor in your city to guide you. Alternatively you could also approach an organization that supports the cause of the LGBT community. Stay strong and seek help at the earliest to manage your feelings.

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Five years ago, I had a crush on my best friend (now I like him only as my friend). One day without my knowledge my friend told him that I like him. From that day till today he never spoke to me. Whenever we meet now he always ignores me and avoids me and this hurts me a lot. Due to this, I have lost my appetite and can’t sleep peacefully. Whenever I see him I just feel like crying, I never wanted him to be my boyfriend. I don’t have the courage to go talk to him. I can’t take this feeling any more. All I want to be his friend like before. What should I do?

One of your friends, to whom you probably told of your past crush for that boy, took the initiative to tell him that you like him. The reaction of that boy seems to be out of proportion with that information (“From that day he never spoke to me”, “he always ignore me”, “avoids me”). If he really your “best friend” you should have the courage to talk to him and ask him the reason for his behaviour. Tell him exactly what you feel and that you want to be his friend as before. Falling into depression (“I have lost my appetite”, “can’t sleep peacefully”, “I feel like crying”) does not solve your problem. You have the right to speak the truth to him and put things right. If he does not listen to you and trust you, forget about him; without trust in each other there is no real friendship.

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