Category Ask the Psychologist

I feel very lonely. My grandmom does not like me at all. Due to this I feel depressed and cannot concentrate on my studies. I just want her love. Whenever there is a fight between me and my brother she will take my brother’s side. This hurts me a lot because she reacts without understanding the matter. She often says bad things about me, such as, “This girl will eat the whole family. She is born to kill everyone. It’s all my poor fate,” to my aunts and other relatives. Sometimes I argue with her and then I cry about why she does such things. She always praises my brother and puts me down. I live my brother very much. I just don’t want her to differentiate between me and my brother and I want that she gives me equal love which I need. Please help me.

I understand from your letter that you and your brother are living with your grandmother. If you have lost your parents she is now your family. Having accepted the responsibility of bringing both of you up, she may be overstressed and insecure; after all she must be advanced in age. Rather than arguing with her, try to approach her with a helping attitude, a loving smile and words of appreciation. Old people need to feel loved and appreciated. Of course, you too feel the same. Tell her that you too need her love. If you change your attitude, she too may slowly change hers. Some close family relative, with whom you can share your problem, may help in bringing all of you close to each other.

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I am a 17-year-old girl and I have a boyfriend. We have been together for 6 months. I love him but he always tries to control me. If I don’t pick up his calls he scolds me, if I’m not at home he warns me to come home early. I know he loves me a lot, but he’s annoying sometimes. Should I leave him?

The fact that you and that boy have been together for 6 months doesn’t mean that it is enough for understanding each other’s character, ideas and values. He seems to be rather possessive and dominating in his approach while you are getting annoyed to the point of thinking of leaving him. Have a frank dialogue with him regarding your understanding of friendship and love. If he has very different opinions which cannot be reconciled with yours, it is better to part ways.

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I am in love with my teacher who is 23 years old. I am an interior design student and I’m 19. She also really loves me. Every day after college we spend time with each other. When we think about our future she tells me that she will marry someone because she doesn’t know what to do – our age matters and religion matters (I’m Christian and she is Hindu). I don’t know what to do. Please help me; I really love her!

Your teacher “doesn’t know what to do” about the future of your relationship because she is aware that your difference in age and religion makes it unacceptable in Indian culture and society. You too “don’t know what to do” for the same reasons. In this situation it is better for you to concentrate on your studies and for her on her teaching, rather than spending time with each other after college. There is nothing wrong in a friendship between you, but stop planning a life together, which will cause only troubles.

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I am shifting to a new school in Lucknow. I am not very good at making friends. I am very tense about it. The words ‘new school’ make me more nervous and sad as I’ll be leaving my old school and friends. Please tell me how to deal with this?

I presume your parents have some serious reason for changing your school and they may have shared it with you. Though this change makes you nervous and sad as you’ll be leaving your old school and friends, try to cooperate with them. Changes are common in life: change of residence, job or educational institution. Learn from your past experience with your old good friends and use it in making new friends. You may discover that this is fun and a chance to start some beautiful new relationships.

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I’m sick of my parents’ over-expectations. Because of studies they asked me to let go of all my hobbies. They don’t even want me to listen to music or watch TV. I’ve tried to do this, still I get a scolding. This frustrates me a lot. Now I’m good at nothing; forcefully doing my duties. This has changed me. Now I don’t like to talk to anyone, I’m not eating properly, always lying on my bed simply; always seeking loneliness. I’m very worried about my career.

The over-expectations of parents for their children are often caused by the desire to assure them a good and successful future life. A strict attitude of this kind can result in ignoring and suffocating the natural talents and aspirations of their children, sending them into depression and isolation. Success in life does not depend only on getting good marks in school or college, but also on developing good, inter-personal relationships, talents and original skills. These too should be encouraged by the parents. In your case, I suggest you share your problem with a good and trustworthy teacher or school counsellor who can talk to your parents and help them change their strict attitude.

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I’m a 17-year-old girl in a long distance relationship for almost 6 months. My boyfriend loves me (as he says). But at the same time he talks about girl in his college and he says he likes her too. I also love him (think so). But when I tell him that if he likes her to break up with me, he says he can’t live without me. On the other hand he also says that I should not be serious in the relationship. Please give me a solution out of this.

You are living in a dream world where there is a boy who loves you (“as he says”) but also someone else. You too “think” you love him, but are not sure. The solution is to stop dreaming about love and come back to the reality of life, where true love is experienced not just in words and emotions, but rather in concrete acts of commitment, respect, trust and self-sacrifice. Stop living a dream and build good and loving relationships with people near to you rather than with someone in a long distance relationship whom you don’t really know.

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