Category Ask the Psychologist

I’m a girl of 17 and I have completed Std XII. Now I have taken admission in a girls’ college. I’m nervous about dealing with my fellow students. What should I do?

After standard XII you have taken admission in a girls’ college and are nervous about how to deal with your new fellow students. You already have experience in dealing with fellow students in your previous college. Therefore put on a smile and deal lovingly and respectfully with your new friends as you did in the past. If this has helped you in the past, it will help you also in the future.

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I am in Std XI and I love a girl in my class. But whenever I talk to her she teases me with another girl’s name. She does not know about my feelings and I am unable to express them to her. How can I express my feelings to her?

The girl you “love” in your class teases you “with another girl’s name” when you want to talk to her. He is not taking the relationship with you seriously and is making fun of you. As you are unable to express your feelings to her, it is better for you to be a good and simple friend to her without pretending to talk too much about feelings that are not yet clear to you and are unable to express.

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I’m a 15-year-old girl and I’m very lonely. I don’t have a friend with whom I can share my feelings and thoughts. I want to join dance classes but my parents won’t allow it. I am a very active girl, but my parents are making my mind weak by keeping me at home. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should commit suicide. I love my parents. But they don’t understand me. I enjoy school, but at home I am very lonely.

I am sorry to read that you don’t have a friend with whom to share your feelings and thoughts. You feel that your parents are making your mind weak by keeping you at home. Unfortunately sometimes you think of committing suicide. This is a serious situation because you love your parents but judge them unable to understand you. Your parents who brought you into this world and care for you every day have your life and future in their hearts. You should enter into a respectful and loving dialogue with them, maybe with the help of a good family friend or relation. You could also share the situation with a good school teacher or counsellor who could talk to your parents. Go on loving your parents and trust them.

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I love a girl but she doesn’t love me. She loves someone else. But that boy has one more girlfriend in his life which this girl doesn’t know anything about. All of our friends tease us that we love each other. I think she loves me, but I have a problem. But my sister doesn’t like that girl. When I speak to her, my sister sometimes doesn’t talk to me and ignores me; she has a lot of negative attitude and sometimes gives me back answers. I love my sister very much. What should I do?

In your letter there are many negative situations: you love a girl “but she doesn’t love” you, “she loves someone else”, all your friends “tease us that we love each other”, your “sister doesn’t like that girl, when I speak to her, my sister sometimes doesn’t talk to you and ignores you”, you love your sister “very much” and do not know what to do. You cannot handle so many negative situations. At this moment of your life it is better for you to concentrate on your studies, family and good friends. A beautiful friendly relationship is better than a complicated and painful “love”.

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Ever since I have grown into an adolescent, I have always had this sheer desire towards perfection. I have always tried hard to be perfect in everything I so including studies, domestic responsibilities and all other activities. But the more I want to build myself into a perfect and idealistic person, the messier I become. I just want to stand out in the crowd as an extraordinary and spotless character. But in this process I have turned into a person with huge insecurities hidden beneath my shell of confidence. I have turned into a toxic, narcissistic, clingy, impulsive and most unfortunately, a compulsive liar. I feel disgusted and guilty. But people help me come out of this phase and be what I am supposed to be. Help me to get rid of compulsive lying and be myself happy.

I appreciate you for your self-awareness – it is a superb quality and a great starting point for change!

Here’s the ‘mental’ math that you are doing. Ideal me in future – Ideal me now = I have to be perfect = shortfall + I don’t love myself +Negative self-image and Cover-ups (Closed mindset). You can see how it puts you in an imaginary prison of your own making.

So, how a new question: Realistic yet Ideal me in future – Real me now = Areas I can work on = I love myself and don’t have to be perfect + Positive self-image (Open minded).

Over the next few weeks, keep a journal of your strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, likes and dislikes. Each day, take one of the positives and write out why you are grateful they are there. When you are ready, take a few not-so-positive things and write why you are grateful that these too are there in your life. Pick the ones you want to change and be patient with yourself while doing so.

No one is perfect. You could compare it to the sun – it is not perfect, it has spots, yet it radiates its light. Similarly, if you love yourself who you are, you will automatically start radiating the joy and happiness you feel within.

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There’s a boy on Instagram whom I am addicted to. We’ve been friends since the past seven months but I recently realized that I love him. I’ve never met him but trust me, he’s very nice and genuine guy, so there’s no worry that he’ll harm me in any way. We are connected to each other through social media. He doesn’t know about my feelings and right now, I don’t want to tell him. I forget all my worries and stress when I talk to him. The problem is that I have to appear for my board this year, but I am always busy with my phone because I think that if he comes online and uploads something, I may miss the chance to see it. Due to this, my grades have decreased. I fear that if I stay even a minute away from a phone, I might miss something about him. In short, I am stuck between my studies and love life. I also think that if I don’t give time to him, he may forget me one day and I can’t afford to lose him. I am very confused.

Looks like you have a ‘Fear of Missing Out’ (FOMO) on an interaction with this guy. You are hardly likely to miss any posts from a person you are following, for social media both gives a notification for it, as well as indicate that it is unread. Also, posts remain available until the person who posts deletes them.

You also seem to consider giving your board exams as a ‘problem’ which is getting in the way of social media and relationships, instead of the other way around. Board exams coma at one point of time, while a relationship can be developed over the years.

You can help yourself by making an agreement with yourself. Go online as a reward for focusing on studies. For every two hours of study, give yourself a maximum of 15 minutes on social media and then get back to studies. Or, use the clock to fix a time with yourself to cut off when you need to.

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