Category Ask the Psychologist

I am in love with a girl and feel nervous to propose to her. In this situation I am not able to focus on my studies and my percentage is deteriorating. This year I have to appear for my board exams. What should I do?

You’re torn between your studies and your heart. And the heart ends up winning. But your mind does know that your board exams are a priority.

Do you already know this girl? Or are you mooning over her from a distance? Either way, right now is the time to have a light-hearted friendship and get to know her if you can. If not, you need to be a bit firm with yourself, and put out of your mind for a while.

Your future is more important and studies come first this year, and up to Class XII. Think about it…wouldn’t you like to do well in your exams and take up a good career? It will certainly impress a girl if you work hard for your success.

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I always get jealous when my best friend is with her friend. She doesn’t talk to me because she is busy with her friend all the time. Now she doesn’t share things with me. She even ignores me sometimes. I don’t know what to do now.

You must be feeling very upset, hurt and angry that the person you consider to be your best friend doesn’t return your feelings and share things with you, but instead ignores you.

Ask your friend for time to sit and talk this through. If she agrees, then you can share your feelings and listen to what she feels as well. If she doesn’t respond, unfortunately there is nothing that you can do to make her spend time with you.

While it is important to feel the pain, but not for a long time, so you will need to deal with your feelings and also keep your self-esteem up. Use the power of your feelings to help you find out what you’re good or to become better at something you have a talent for – perhaps some sport? Art? Writing? Dramatics? You can also keep a journal of your feelings.

Also look for new friends who share your ideas and interests. The fortunate thing is that each one of us is capable of finding joy by building relationships with many different people.

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When I was in Std VII my childhood best friend had to move away because his father was transferred. After that I entered into a relationship and then broke up. I remained upset and couldn’t decide my feelings. My mood swings became so high that I started hurting myself to remove my frustration. I always feel alone and start crying. I want my friend back. I want to get out of my loneliness and frustration and to stop hurting myself. Please help me out.

When you were in standard VII you had a “childhood best friend” and were happy. Subsequently he “had to move away because his father was transferred”. After that you started feeling upset, frustrated and lonely. You even “started hurting” yourself to remove your frustration. In your letter you do not mention anything about your family; don’t you have mother, father, brothers or sisters? Did you not feel loved and cared for by them? You are presently 14 years old and at this age your security and happiness should be in a relationship with them. Friends come and go, but family is always with you and you are never lonely. If you have lost your family, I am sure someone else is taking care of you with love. Have patience and grow in age and experience. In life we cannot always have all that we want: “I want my friend back”. After going away with his father that boy never contacted you and has moved on in his life. You too should move on; start a new good and loving relationship with people around you and your loneliness will go away.

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I loved a boy who was once my senior; he is three years older than me. I told him of my feelings; time passed and he started treating me like his girlfriend – fighting with me like a boyfriend, telling me he loved me and singing romantic songs to me. But one day he said that he doesn’t love me and that he already had a girlfriend who was my friend. I was completely broken but I didn’t say a word. I wanted him to be with me as I can’t end my feelings for him but he was not even ready for that. After that I had many relationships but I just couldn’t accept anyone as he was my one and only. I think about him all the time although two years have passed. I just want him back. My friends have suggested that I move on with someone who loves me. I know it was not infatuation but rather a true one-sided love. Should I forget him or should I hate him and move on with another guy? He cheated me but I still love him.

You want back at any cost a boy who plainly confessed “that he doesn’t love you” and that “he already had a girlfriend”. This made you feel “completely broken” but did not stop you from feeling that he is your “one and only” and so you “think about him all the time”. Love should be felt from both sides but you are making it a one-sided affair: “I just want him back”. Love cannot be imposed on anyone. He has made his choice and there is nothing you can do about it. Your friends are right when they tell you to “move on with someone who loves you”. Hating him will serve no purpose; it will only embitter and upset you. In due time you will find someone open to a real love relationship with you.

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I am a 16-year-old girl and I feel that I am indulging in social media too much. Whenever I sit to study I always begin thinking about what my friends are doing on social media at that time and this makes me touch my phone repeatedly. And I start getting involved in long chats with them. This is causing a great hindrance to my studies. I have tried many times but I am unable to prevent myself from using social media. How can I lessen the use of mobile phones so that I can concentrate my time well on my studies?

You are well aware that you are “indulging in social media too much” and that this habit “is causing a great hindrance” to your studies. I am sure that your parents are not happy with your waste of time and are advising you to concentrate more on your studies. At the age of 16 you should feel responsible and serious about your duties as a student and as a child of your parents. You are acting as an addicted person who has no freedom of choice. Your love for your parents and for God should motivate you to take a firm decision about this problem. You could hand over your phone to your parents, asking them to give it to you only for a short time and for necessary calls. Remember also that it is your duty to help out at home. This will prove that you are serious about your home.

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I’m in love with a 17-year-old guy. He studies in a different school. Once I talked to him on social media, but couldn’t tell him that I love him. Initially it was just a crush, but I really don’t know how it turned into love. I want to confess my love for him. But I am scared that he will think very badly about him. Please help me in confessing my love for him. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. I think that if I tell him about my feelings I will be able to get serious with my studies. I am ready to accept whatever he replies. Please help me out.

At the age of 15 you had a crush on a 17-year-old guy and talked to him on a social media. Now you are not able to concentrate on your studies and want to “confess” your love for him. True love grows slowly and deeply in the hearts of people who care for one another, sacrifice and serve each other, always ready to forgive and trust. Love cannot just be experienced online; it has to be experienced in actions of self-sacrifice and is not going to change anything as you cannot prove your “love”. It takes months and years to build a solid and lasting love relationship. Be patient, kind, respectful and caring in relating to him. Just be a good friend to him and wait to see if he shares with you the same “feelings”. A good friendship can sometimes turn into real love.

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