Category Ask the Psychologist

I love a boy who is three years older than me. He is my friend’s cousin. He lives at a distant place due to further education. Till now we haven’t talked to each other. We had met each other 5 to 6 times till now. I love him very much. I don’t know what he thinks about me. I am mad for him. If I directly told him he will tell my friend’s mom and she will tell my mom. We are Facebook friends but we haven’t chatted with each other even once. It’s difficult for me to forget him. If I wait for him and he doesn’t come I’ll be deeply hurt. Should I wait for him, propose to him, or move on with my life?

You are deeply infatuated with a boy who is 3 years elder to you and with whom you never talked, though you are also Facebook friends. You “don’t know what he thinks about” you, yet you are “mad for him”. You are running too fast with your emotions and imagination and have built in your mind a relationship that does not exist. Stop dreaming and concentrate on your family, studies and good close friends whom you meet every day. The time for proposals and lifelong relationships has not yet come. Move on with your life and love dearly all your family members and good friends around you.

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I am 16 years old. I took your advice once. My story was that I fell in love with my cousin but I was confused whether it was infatuation or really love and you counselled me that it’s just a friendship among us. However, later on when I continued my friendship with him he came to know that I loved him but did not say that before because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He said that it’s okay if I was in love with him but he couldn’t love me back because he had only respect and friendship for me and no feelings of love. I agreed with him. Now it’s been a year and we both are not in touch. I want to meet him. But there are some issues due to which I cannot meet him. I want your advice how can I remain his friend without hurting his feelings?

The boy already told you that “he has only respect and friendship” for you; therefore you cannot hurt his feelings by trying to “remain his friend”. He may not accept a love proposal as he told you that he has “no feelings of love” towards you. A good friendship is the best thing that can happen among teenagers; this is not the time for making firm and lifelong commitments. The problem is that “it’s been a year” and you “both are not in touch”. Maybe both of you are busy and cannot meet each other. A greeting card on the occasion of his birthday could be a good way to convey the message that you want to continue to be his good friend.

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I love someone in my class very much but I cannot tell her. I want to go and talk to her but I cannot do that. She talks to all my friends but she does not talk with me. She loves me but she cannot tell me. I feel that if I go and talk to her and tell her that I love her very much she will not be my friend any longer. What should I do?

That girl does not talk to you because you too are not able to talk to her and tell about your feelings. In your imagination you feel that “she also loves” you “but she cannot tell” you. If you do not have the courage to express your feelings it means you are not yet ready for such relationship. This is common at your age. She is presently your friend and you are afraid that if you tell her about your love she will not be your friend any longer. I suggest you enjoy the friendship with her as it is now and wait for some more time to mature your decisions for the future.

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I was in a relationship with a guy for the past six months but I broke up from him because I learnt he didn’t like me and had proposed to someone else. Today, without him I am so depressed. How can I deal with this heartbreak? Should I take revenge on him and make him realize his mistake by teaching him a lesson or just leave the situation as it is?

At the age of 14 you lack experience and knowledge about what to do or not to do in your relationships, particularly regarding boys and girls. You broke up with that boy on the suspicion that he does not like you and had proposed to someone else. Now, without him you are “so depressed”, unable to deal with the “heartbreak”. Taking revenge on him by “teaching him a lesson” will make things worse. You will end up feeling guilt and sad. Leave the situation as it is and learn to be patient and respectful of other people’s feelings and choices.

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I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I like him very much and we had three break-ups and patch-ups before. We never interact in school although he is in my class. I don’t know what to do. Recently, we interacted on Facebook and he asked me if I liked him. I’m very good in my studies and I’m not distracted but I love him very much. I told my sis about it and she said it’s not correct because it’s not my age and I should think about my parents but I can’t stop loving him! Many have proposed to me but I love him. I just can’t stop loving him. Is this the right thing to do?

Your frequent break-ups and patch-ups with your boyfriend prove your confusion and immaturity in handling a personal relationship with a boyfriend. This is common at the age of 14. Your sister is right in telling that you are too young for handling this kind of relationship and should rather give priority to your family and your studies. At 14 it is better to enjoy a free and joyful friendship with many young people of your age rather than to get stuck in a personal and emotional relationship that you can’t handle. Call him just a ‘friend’ (not a “boyfriend”) and enjoy the freedom and fun of the relationship.

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My best friend gets angry very easily over small things. We share most of our secrets with each other but there are some that cannot be shared. If she keeps some secrets from me I don’t feel bad but when I do she gets very angry and doesn’t talk properly to me for many days. When I ask her about some of her secrets then she says that there are some things we cannot share then she gets angry when I do the same thing. What should I do?

Between you and your “best friend” there seems to exist a communication gap and an ego problem. She gets very angry with you if you keep some secret from her and “doesn’t talk to you properly for many days.” On the contrary you “don’t feel bad” if she does the same with you. She seems to be very possessive about you, wanting to know and control everything. You should share with her your feelings and expectations regarding your friendship, your need for freedom and your displeasure for her bad temper. If she understands your point of view your relationship will improve, if she does not it is better that you put an end to this unpleasant situation.

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