Category Ask the Psychologist

I’m very confused. I have a boyfriend with whom I am in a relationship for the past one year. I used to love him a lot. But I don’t know how the feelings that I had for him are fading. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I want to be free. I talked to him about it but he loves me a lot and doesn’t want to leave me. I talked to him about it but he loves me lot and doesn’t want to leave me. I talked to my elder sister about it and she said to tell him clearly that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. But he loves me a lot. I talked to him again but he was crying very badly. He said that if I leave him, he will leave the world. I don’t want to hurt him but I want my freedom as well.

After a one-year relationships with your boyfriend whom you “loved”, your “feelings are fading” and you “want to be free” as soon as possible. The problem is that he does not want to leave you to the extent that he is “crying very badly” and saying that if you “leave him he will leave the world”. Though you do not want to hurt him you absolutely want your freedom. Something went very wrong in your relationship. From your side, it was probably based on feelings and emotions rather than on a desire to commit yourself to a special and faithful relationship. Teenagers frequently call “love” what is just a passing infatuation. The consequence is a painful situation in which your boyfriend is now broken-hearted and suffering. It is your duty to enter into a patient and personal dialogue with him explaining the reasons for your decision and finding together a way out of this situation. Give him time. Shutting the door on his face is not the right thing to do.

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My mother likes my sister more than me. My sister is better in studies than me and so my mother thinks that I am jealous of my sister. But I love my sister. My mother always shouts at me for any problem. I am the elder child in my family. I don’t have any hatred towards my sister. How can I make my mother understand this?

It sounds like you feel very upset that your mother mistakenly thinks that you are jealous of your sister and are quite convinced that your mother likes her more than she likes you.

I’m not sure what problems your mother shouts at you for…but it would be good to reflect on why she does so. Is she taking out her frustrations on you? Or are you really making her angry? Is your relationship with your sister a truly loving one?

How good is your relationship with your mother? What are the things that you and your mother share in common? How are you both different from each other? What is good in your relationship and what isn’t? What does your mother expect from you as a daughter? What are the things that you can bond over, such as cooking, fashion, television programmes and so on?

Instead of trying to convince your mother that you don’t hate your sister, reach out and build a strong relationship with both of them, and your mother will automatically be convinced.

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My problem is that I am very short. My friends make fun of me. I will be appearing for my SSC board exams next March and I do not get enough time to do exercises. Besides I am also putting on eight. I am in a dilemma as I want to look beautiful because I am interested in modeling. Should I wait for my exams to get over to start my exercises or will it be too late?

You’re feeling quite bothered about your height. Your busy study schedule; the lack of exercise, and the desire to become a model. And the time constraint is making you feel all the more hassled.

For a moment, chill! Could it be that you haven’t yet reached your full height? Are you getting adequate nutrition? Is it your family tendency to be short? You can follow a few fashion tips to look slimmer and taller, such as wearing flowering A-line outfits, clothes – that have a vertical design; high waist jeans/trousers with crop tops in a solid colour, etc. you can also wear comfortable heels, with pointed toes. But hang in there…you can find your style quotient after your Class X exams!

Right now, early morning exercise – for at least 30 minutes – will not only help you keep slim and fit, but also boost your brainpower.

As for friends who make you feel ‘small’, it’s time to ‘cut them to size’ by moving on and finding others who will make you feel ‘equal’ and accept you for who and what you are. Happiness comes in small packages!

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I am a boy from a respectable and rich family. My family can afford to give me the best of things, but instead of enjoying all these things, I like to spend my time with my friends who are poor. I also like to talk to poor people and sometimes I even bring them home and feed them. My parents do not like me doing this and want me to talk only to boys from wealthy families. My aim is to become a social worker. What should I do?

It is admirable that you care for those less privileged than you and want to become a social worker in future. However, it helps to be sensitive to whether your parents feel comfortable about whom you bring home and you need to respect their wishes. At the same time, the people you bring home should also feel comfortable about coming over.

While you may feel very comfortable with your ‘friends who are poor’, it will help to reflect and examine what stops you from making friends with those who are not. Mixing with a variety of people will make you balanced different socio-economic backgrounds.

A wise person said. “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” As a social worker, you will be called upon to differentiate between ‘friendship’ and ‘social work’. So, instead of simply befriending and feeding the less privileged, you will need to help them to become self-reliant and keep their self-respect. Good luck on your caring journey!

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I don’t want to study, precisely because my parents force me to study all the time. When I am watching a movie or a serial they switch off the T.V. and tell me to study. Even when I come home from school, they tell me to study. Now, even when I want to study I just cannot. I hate the word “study”! If I don’t study when they tell me to, they beat me or say something hurtful.

I can see that you really hate that‘s-word’ and feel very upset about the way your parents force you to study. It looks like they don’t trust that you will do so.

Take a moment and know yourself better: Do you feel mentally lazy to sit and learn? Do you find it boring, or perhaps difficult? So, do you escape learning by watching TV and movies?

Given the impact that not preparing for exams will have on your results and admissions to college and career courses, how about managing yourself better?

Set aside time for focused learning, every day – at least 2 hours. You can break the two hours into 1 hour each. Take a 5-10 minute break after every 25-30 minutes. You can spend 30 minutes on television as a reward. At the end of the week, reward yourself by watching a movie.

To learn better, create mind-maps; change questions and answers into a quiz; connect information in your textbook to real life situations. You will automatically move from boring study to interesting learning.

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I’m a Std X student and I’m thinking of going to Indore for further studies. I’m not new to Indore as my sisters also studied there but I can’t decide whether to go or not. Studies are also good in my city, but they are better in Indore. I have to consider on the one side my future and on the other my friends and family. I also don’t want to leave my beloved school. I’m so confused. Please help.

The decision of going to Indore for further studies or to continue in your city, where “studies are also good”, cannot be taken by you alone, but also with the approval of your parents. They love you and will help you to take the best decision. Remember that what makes a good student is not only the quality of the school but also the hard work and concentration of the student. A good student will do well in any school. A lazy student will fall even in a very good school.

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