Category Ask the Psychologist

I LOSE THE RELATIONSHIP/FRIENDSHIP VERY SOON.

I develop an attraction too fast towards a person, I also believe all the stories they give and later get disappointed because most of it is all lies. In a manner like this I lose the relationship/friendship very soon.

It is important for you to know a person well before trusting them. At the initial stages of any relationship/friendship most people are at their best behaviour which later fades away with time. If you quickly trust a person the chances that you will get disappointed are very high. Give yourself and the person enough time before making any move.

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I AM OVERWEIGHT AND I DON’T FEEL HAPPY ABOUT IT

I am overweight and I don’t feel happy about it. It has made me feel very conscious. I feel that people around me do not treat me well because of this.

If you are overweight, it would be right to lose the excess weight for your own physical well-being. How we look often influences the way we feel. Not being in the right shape can make you feel conscious sometimes. It is often good to practise self-love, which means that irrespective of your physical appearance you love and appreciate yourself for who you are. Each one of us is made differently, however, finding love in your own uniqueness is essential.

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WHAT IS A BILDUNGSROMAN?

A bildungsroman is a testament to how literature deals with the souls of individuals. It highlights how our lives are a multi-dimensional confluence of revenge, tragedy, comedy, and satire, seasoned with age and made amicable by experience.

A bildungsroman is a jargonic term used for a coming-of-age story. It is a literary genre that focusses on the protagonist’s spiritual journey from a point in his or her childhood to adulthood. Coined in 1819 by Karl Morgenstern a philologist, this term is a combination of two German words ‘Bildung’ meaning education, and Roman’ which means “novel.” The first book to ascribe to this genre was Wilhelm Meister’s Apprenticeship by Johann Wolfgang Goethe. Published in 1796, this German classic records the titular character Wilhelm Meisters journey to self-discovery through the medium of theatre and art.

The Shift

Literary works of this genre are character-centric and lay special emphasis on the shifts in prespective that accompany life-altering experiences and help mould a more realistic worldview of the character.

A bildungsroman is a testament to how literature deals with the souls of individuals. It highlights how our lives are a multi-dimensional confluence of revenge, tragedy, comedy, and satire, seasoned with age and made amicable by experience. Some popular literary works of this genre include To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, The Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling, and The Lord of the Ring” series by J. R. R. Tolkien.

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WHAT IS THE BOREDOM EFFECT IN PSYCHOLOGY?

From boosting creativity to instilling mindfulness, boredom can do much for your brains, studies suggest.

When was the last time you felt bored? Truly bored-where you had nothing to do, or didn’t feel like doing anything? When you had to watch lonely clouds in an empty sky through your window or just wander aimlessly around the garden at home, picking at leaves or observing ants walking in a line up a wall?

Chances are that such instances of abject boredom would be few and far between. People today have fewer reasons to feel boredom as the avenues for entertainment and mental Occupation are plenty. While children of the eighties and nineties often spent some or the whole of their summer vacations dealing with various forms of boredom, children today often do not have time to get bored. They have activities packed through their vacations, they have the internet, OTT and video games to keep their brains constantly stimulated and entertained.

But do you want to eliminate boredom completely? Ask researchers.

How boredom can be good for you

Turns out that an idle mind is not the devil’s workshop, after all. According to studies conducted by neuroscientists, boredom can be good for you.

Psychologists James Danckert and John D Eastwood in their 2020 book Out of my Skull: The Psychology of Boredom, say that boredom can push us to realize our potential and lead full meaningful lives.

Without boredom there would be no daydreaming or no room for reflection, both essential for a healthy mind. Daydreaming is where creativity stems from Feeling bored is unavoidable, but it is not a judgment on one’s character or ability, say researchers.

On the contrary, the very feeling could steer the mind towards ideas and creativity. Unstructured time (with no specific events on the schedule) can help children and adults come up with creative solutions to problems, improve social interactions and learn to develop a sense of self-contentment.

In one of his early writings, British philosopher Bertrand Russel advises parents to allow children the freedom to experience “fruitful monotony. This “doing nothing” would make them more inventive and imaginative, he says.

So, what exactly is boredom?

Boredom is defined as an emotional and psychological state when the individual has nothing particular to do and he or she feels that the period is dull or tedious. It is often described as an unpleasant experience. Imagine standing in a long queue at a supermarket or waiting for a bus or at an airport. Essentially, these periods of nothingness are usually described as boring.

In a classroom, for instance. Haven’t you felt bored in certain classes? Well, you are not alone. Studies say it is perfectly normal to feel boredom in a learning environment when the subject being taught is too difficult or too easy.

Technology to the rescue

As soon as electronic devices took over, we have learnt to avoid boredom. We swipe away at our smartphones, going through our social media feeds, playing a game or just listening to music

Technology has had a huge impact on our capacity to feel boredom. It fills up empty time pockets of our lives so well that boredom sometimes has even come to mean the absence of technology. That said, overuse of gadgets has led to a sense of fatigue. How much can you play the same game? How much of other people’s lives do you look at?

How to deal with boredom

Do not try to fight it. Accept it and let your mind wander aimlessly. Create a new routine. Each time you get bored, find a new activity to do.

Avoid quick fixes. Try not to reach out for your games or the TV when you are bored. Passive engagement will do great things for you.

Rest, refresh

Consider boredom as a period of rest for the brain. Leave a little time in a day to get bored. You might discover new hobbies and interests, leam to be mindful, or even leam something new about yourself. Maintain a book of boredom and note down the thoughts that come to mind. At the end of a week or month, if you flip through the pages, you would get fresh insight into your own mind.

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I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT DISOBEYING MY PARENTS

My relationship with my parents is in trouble … due to my choice for higher studies. I want to join a particular course of my choice, but my parents feel I shouldn’t just because their plans for my future are different. I have always done what my parents have wanted me to do. But now, going against their wishes in favour of mine is making me feel guilty about disobeying my parents. How should I handle this situation?

Hey dear, you are feeling guilty that you are ‘disobeying’ your parents to join a course of your choice because till now you have always obeyed them.

Like all parents, they may be thinking about economic aspects, social acceptance, where you study and work (location), and safety instead of your interests and your talent/skills. However, you are going to study and work in a particular field, so it is also important to enjoy what you do.

There are two things to do: One is to convince them – in a firm yet caring manner that this course is really what you want to do, and how it is right for you. Second is to address their fears, if any. You could seek professional advice from a career counsellor if you wish. Do your homework about what they might want to know, e.g., detailed information about the course, career prospects, income, your interests, your talents and so on. Request that they give you a fair hearing and share your thoughts; ask for their views and suggestions and answer their questions. Assure them that you will see the course through and take responsibility for yourself.

If you are firm about what you want to do and address any fears they may have, it is more likely that your parents will understand and respect your choice. Good luck!

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I AM EASILY AFFECTED BY PEOPLE’S FEELINGS ABOUT ME.

I am easily affected by people’s feelings about me. If someone says something negative about me or puts me down, I start worrying a lot about it, and as a result, I get headaches and I am unable to concentrate on anything. I feel it so much that I cannot sleep at night as I keep thinking about what happened. How can I overcome this problem?

Hi dear, you are sensitive to others’ feelings about you. This makes you overthink what happened, which affects your emotional and physical health, and your sleep.

When someone criticises you, first calm yourself. Breathe and count backwards from ten to one. Or notice any five objects of different colours in the room. When you are calmer, question these negative remarks. Are any of them true? What is the evidence that they are true? What is the evidence that they are not true? If they are true, you can use them as feedback to improve. If they are not, then you know the other person is probably expressing their opinion or their frustration.

Reflect on what affects you when someone says something negative or puts you down. We usually feel affected because we want to be seen as ‘nice’ by everyone and often don’t respect ourselves enough. So, instead of thinking ‘I am not good enough’, say ‘I am learning and growing’. Know your own strengths and weaknesses and accept, love and respect yourself as you are. Befriend people who respect you and learn to say ‘no’ to those don’t. Participate in youth activities that help develop your personality and your leadership skills.

When you feel more confident, firmly let people who pass negative remarks know that you find their statements too negative; and it is best that they only give you feedback you can work on. Show them that you are fine with yourself the way you are. Stand up for yourself!

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