Category Ask the Psychologist

I’m a 17-years-old girl and I’m not able concentrate on my studies or on any other activities. I was a bright student but now my grades have gone down. I have talked to my parents, relatives and everyone else who could help me but there is no way out of this situation. The control I had on my life earlier has gone. I’m really very depressed. Please help me.

It makes me sad to read that, at the age of 17, you feel “really very depressed” and unable to concentrate on your studies. In your letter you do not give any information about your family background, upbringing and relationships; therefore it is not possible for me to help you come out this depression. My advice is that you share your problem with a school counsellor (if available) or a teacher whom you trust and get the help you need.

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I am a student of Std IX and I want to share my views about my career with my parents but I do not have enough courage to talk about it to them. I want to become an actor and enter Bollywood but my parents do not know about this and the reason that I can’t tell them about this is that they want me to study well and become something in life. They always acknowledge me in the matter of studies but never think beyond studies. They are also right but how could I tell them about my goal in life?

Achieving a good education and becoming an actor and entering Bollywood are not incompatible. It is not enough for a good actor to have a handsome face and a good baby; he should also be talented and intelligent. As you are a student of Std IX I suggest that you take care of your studies as your parents desire, and make them happy. If God wants, in future, you may have the opportunity to meet someone who will help you to enter the film industry and become an actor. Your good education will always be useful for coming up in life and achieving your goals.

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Last year, I don’t know why but my friends started to tease me with this guy even before I had feelings for him. Then something happened. After a couple of months I recognized that I had feelings for him. He was my school senior. I started talking to him on a social networking site and we became really good friends. His pre-boards results came out which weren’t that good and he was upset. I asked him to deactivate his account so that he could concentrate on his studies, and he did it. I was happy. A month later, he activated his account again. We started chatting, but a few days before my birthday he deactivated his account. He didn’t even wish me. The next day he wished me and apologized. I was happy. One day, my friend teased him and asked him whether he loved me but he didn’t deny or accept. In June, his results weren’t good and so he deactivated his account and since then I haven’t seen or chatted with him. I want to confess my love to him but what if he doesn’t love me and breaks our friendship? What should I do?

In just a few months you have quickly jumped from one emotion to another: from “having feelings” for that boy to “talking to him on a social networking site” and becoming “really good friends” to wanting “to confess” your “love to him” and feeling depressed by the idea that he may not love you and may break your friendship. At the age of 14 you are running too fast and confusing the need for friendship, common to all teenagers, with what adults call “love”, which is a deep commitment between a man and a woman to establish a permanent relationship. This kind of commitment is not possible at your age. The consequences have been bad for that boy because “his pre-boards results weren’t good” and a few months later again “his results weren’t good and so he deactivated his account”. You are presently confused and depressed. My advice is that you too should concentrate on your studies and allow him to concentrate on his own, without disturbing him with unnecessary emotional feelings. He seems to want that too, as recently “he deactivated his account” and you “haven’t seen or chatted with him”. Leave him in peace.

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I joined a dance class this year. There I met a guy who was 3 years older than me and we became really good friends. He started sharing all his secrets with me and used to tell me everything. I started liking him but after a few weeks I learned that he is my cousin brother and I actually love my cousin brother! I don’t know is it infatuation or love. Whenever he used to tell me that he had a crush on someone I wouldn’t feel bad, in fact, I would feel happy for him. So he maybe it could be a love and bond between two cousins? For the past one week I have been unable to attend dance class and I am really missing him. What kind of love is it?

You and that boy became “really good friends” because he shared “all his secrets with” you, even his “crush on someone”. Friends are people we can spend time with, talk and share secrets and experiences, play with and have fun. Above all, friends are people we can trust, whom we understand and who understand us and help us in case of need. True friendship is a give and take love relationship. The fact that he is your cousin brother should make you continue growing in your friendship rather than thinking of having fallen into an infatuation.

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I’m 15 years old. I love a boy who is my batchmate and we know each other for the past two years. But when I confessed my feelings to him he refused and said that he likes one of my friends. I helped him in all this but my friend refused him. After all this he stopped talking to me. He didn’t reply to my messages and started ignoring me. I tried a lot to get everything back to normal but just because of my mistake of confessing everything to him I lost my friend. I still love him but he likes my friend. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

The boy you “love” was interested in you only as a friend, not as a lover. Besides, he likes one of your friends. In spite of you trying “a lot to get everything back to normal” he stopped talking to you and began ignoring you. He is probably upset because your friend whom he likes refused him. Because of this situation he is confused and unwilling to continue the relationship with you. Respect his feelings because you cannot force your feelings on others. Learn to be patient and not to jump into “confessing” your emotions expecting a positive response. Forget about him and concentrate on your studies.

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I am in Standard X and due to some of my bad habits I started drinking alcohol for the past 2 months. A few days ago, my mother scolded me when she found out and slapped me. That day I was speechless and I am really feeling very guilty about what I did. My parents are not talking to me. They have banned my every freedom. My mother started crying and that’s why I am so sad. What should I do so that my parents forgive me and we all again start living a happy life?

Drinking alcohol is really a bad habit that can lead to addiction: a compulsion to drink more and more. Alcoholics become a burden to their families and to society, useless and even dangerous. This is why your parents are very upset with you as they came to know that you “started drinking alcohol for the past 2 months”. If some of your friends introduced you to this habit you should not mingle with them anymore. Tell your parents that you are sorry and will never again drink alcohol. If you are “really feeling very guilt” about what you did ask for forgiveness from your parents, promising never to do that again. Concentrate on your studies as you are in standard X. if you parents see you focused on your studies and avoiding bad friends they will forgive and you all will “again start living a happy life”. Anyone can make mistakes in life, but if one repents and changes he can be forgiven.

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