Category Ask the Psychologist

I am a 14-year-old girl and I feel that I need my privacy. Whenever I chat with my friends on my phone, my mom wants to see those chats. I don’t want to show her my personal phone. Please help.

At the age of 14 you already have a personal phone which has been donated to you by your parents, trusting that you will use it properly. Your parents are a gift of God to you and they love and care for you. It is their sacred duty to protect you and ensure that, due to lack of experience, you will not fall into dangers or wrong relationships. I suggest that you introduce all your friends to your parents so that they know with whom you are spending your time. Remember also that it is your duty to obey your mother, therefore do what she tells you to do.

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past one year. We both really love each other and now want to tell our parents about it. He has to go to Nainital urgently so he promised to tell his parents when he returns. But I don’t have enough courage to tell my parents about my love. I want them to know all this but I’m not able to tell them. I have tried many times but after sometime I change the topic. How can I tell my parents about this?

In Indian culture, love relationships which lead to marriage are not considered good and right. As you “don’t have enough courage” to tell your parents about your love it is better to wait in order to understand your real feelings towards each other. Only if and when both of you are ready to face the consequences of your love you can talk to your parents and plan the future.

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I am 14 and I love a boy in my tuition class. He loves me too but we both are too shy to even talk to each other. We used to be really good friends but when we confessed our love to each other our friendship also lessened. What should I do?

At the age of 14 the “love” you felt for each other is the love of friendship: a joyful and free gift of self that helps your growth in relationships. This is one of the most beautiful experiences in human life and you should not feel shy to talk to each other. In the years to come you will experience other forms of love which will require knowledge and experience which now you do not have. Go on expressing friendship with care and affection not only each other but also towards other young people of your age around you.

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After five years of relationship, my boyfriend walked out of my life and asked me to move on. He said I was immature and that he had begun falling for his best friend! It’s too hard for me to accept this and I don’t know how to move on. Please help.

You began a relationship with a boy at the tender age of 12 when you did not have any experience of such relationships. Now you are 17 and struggling to understand why your boyfriend walked out of your life. You do not mention the age of your boyfriend nor the reasons why he said you were “immature”. You have to introspect and try to find out what went wrong in the future. Learning from past mistakes will help you to move on successfully with your life.

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I became friends on Facebook with a boy who is 17. At first, I told him for fun that I was 16 and thought that I would tell him the truth later. But as the days passes he became a very good friend and it became more and more difficult to tell him. Without me realizing it, I feel in love with him. One day he confessed that he loved me and I was so happy that I forgot everything and accepted his confession without thinking anything, now I feel very guilty. I have decided that after passing my tenth standard I will meet him and tell him everything then. I always feel that I must tell him the truth but I fear that he will hate me after knowing the truth. But then too I have a very uneasy feeling and feel that I must tell him everything as soon as possible. I am really confused. I love him a lot and don’t want him to hate me. I think I have just two options – and that is to tell him everything now or when we meet.

You have started a relationship through Facebook with a boy who says he is 17. You told him for “fun” that you were 16 (2 years older than your real age). In a matter of a few days he became for you “a very good friend” and later you “fell in love with him”. Subsequently he confessed that he loved you too, believing that you were close to his age. Now you “feel very guilty” for having told a lie and not having the courage to correct the mistake as soon as possible. Do not wait to tell the truth; you cannot build a relationship on lies. Let him know your age and decide if he wants to continue corresponding with you. He too may end up confessing that he is not 17 but just 15! That would be real fun for both if you! Relationships built on personal knowledge of each other are better than those built by correspondence which can lead to lies or misunderstandings. If you cannot be good friend with someone who is of your age and close to you, how can you do that with someone whom you do not know at all? There are dangers in social networking.

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I get infatuated towards smart boys very easily but I have never told any guy that I like him. But there is a friend of my brother whom I see every day and that’s the reason I like him a lot. Due to this infatuation problem I am unable to focus on my studies. What should I do?

At the age of 14 you have rightly used the word ‘infatuation’ to describe your emotional response to “smart boys” and you have avoided the mistake of telling them about your feelings. Infatuation is a sudden attraction towards people of the opposite sex which makes it difficult to concentrate on studies and other family duties. This attraction quickly comes and goes towards different boys. It has nothing to do with real love, which is a deep commitment of fidelity between adult people. Now there is a friend of your brother whom you “see every day” and you started liking “him a lot”. You are also getting infatuated with him and emotionally disturbed as you see him often. If your brother understands the situation he will be very displeased with you for getting involved with one of his friends and may complain to your parents. This could cause an unpleasant situation in your family.

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