Category Ask the Psychologist

Because ten- to thirteen-year-olds change so rapidly, it can be hard for parents to distinguish between emotional problems and the normal upheavals of pre- and early adolescence. Is a child depressed or just moody? Seriously unmotivated or merely preoccupied? Deeply angry or beginning the inevitable separation from the family?

Parents won’t necessarily find answers to such questions in discussions with their child. Kids these ages often avoid sharing their thoughts with adults, whom they may see as sources of criticism, lectures, and unwanted advice. Parents may be left to evaluate their child’s situation based on their own observations.

Identifying serious, persistent problems is usually not difficult. Most parents know to seek help if their child shows clear signs of drug or alcohol abuse, an eating disorder, depression, or dangerous or illegal behavior.

Beyond such clear-cut cases, many parents are confused. They don’t know if their child needs help (“It’s just a phase. Everybody gets depressed sometimes.”) And they don’t know if they “believe” in counseling for any but the most critical problems. Some parents associate therapy with shame and embarrassment. They fear the implication that something is wrong with their child, and they worry that counselors will blame them for their child’s problems. They also may worry that he will speak badly of them or reveal family secrets. Such fears keep many families from getting the help they need.

If you are unsure about your child’s situation, ask yourself these questions: Has the troubling behavior been going on for a long time, despite your attempts to help? Do teachers, coaches, or other parents complain about him? Is he frequently angry? Does he regularly put himself down and act discouraged? Does he do poorly in school? Does he have trouble making friends? Is he consistently jealous of his siblings? If he has continuing difficulties in several areas of his life, he can benefit from professional help and possibly from medication.

He also can benefit if his problem is an unreasonable fear or phobia. A counselor experienced in treating phobias can desensitize your child. One boy who greatly feared elevators was able to ride them alone after six counseling sessions. A child who feared airplanes flew off on vacation with her family after only a few weeks of counseling.

You might turn to therapy to help your child deal with recent or continuing trauma, such as the death of an immediate family member or close friend, divorce, or a frustrating step-parenting situation. During counseling, he can express his pent-up anger, fear, and doubt to a sympathetic, experienced listener.

If you decide to try therapy, ask your pediatrician, family doctor, or local medical bureau for referrals. Set up an appointment with the therapist for a consultation without your child present. Describe your concerns and ask for advice. You may hear that therapy is not necessary and you may get helpful suggestions for improving your situation at home.

If the therapist does recommend counseling, talk to your child about it. Explain what therapists do: “There are some problems we can’t solve on our own.” Let him know there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. In fact, he may already know of friends who are in counseling, and some of the celebrities he admires may be quite open about seeing someone. Tell your child about the benefits of therapy: “Dr. Graham will help you feel happier and better about yourself.” “Susan is used to talking to children about their fears.” If your child resists, don’t give up on counseling. Ask the therapist for the best approach.

Therapy can take a number of forms: individual, group, or family counseling. Any one, or a combination, can be effective. If he is seen individually, schedule occasional consultations with the therapist so you can learn more about your child’s situation. You also may want to join a parents’ discussion or support group in which your questions and concerns can be addressed.

Therapy in any form can be prohibitively expensive. Most health insurance companies and HMOs cover a percentage of the cost. Local and state government agencies as well as some nonprofit organizations offer therapy at reduced or sliding scale fees. In addition, many private therapists are willing to lower their fees when patients are unable to pay the full rate.

Although it can be difficult to start therapy, it’s wise to work on emotional problems while your child is ten- to thirteen-years-old. As he gets older, his situation and behavior only will become more complex. If you get help for him now, your family will have a much easier time as he moves through adolescence.

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Parents become quite upset if they suspect their child has been smoking. Kids constantly hear that smoking is unhealthy. Many have urged their parents to quit: “I’ll never smoke! It’s ugly and bad for you!” “People who smoke cigarettes are stupid!”

But some kids change their minds when they hit early adolescence. Peer pressure, curiosity, and the media can make smoking seem attractive. Kids who smoke at these ages are often just experimenting. They force themselves to inhale, then cough, feel nauseous, and stop. That’s usually the end of it.

However, some thirteen-year-olds begin to habitually smoke. They may be children with difficult home lives, little interest in school or activities, and a weak identity. Or there may be less obvious reasons why they’re attracted to smoking.

Sometimes a child will talk at home about classmates who smoke: “Just don’t tell their parents.” A child who speaks often about smokers may be testing her parents’ reaction. She doesn’t realize that, while her parents may be only mildly interested in another youngster’s smoking, they would be furious if their child started.

Aside from a desire to experiment, kids these ages may smoke because they think it makes them seem “cooler” and older. Slick advertising campaigns tend to further this myth. A child may know about the health risks associated with tobacco, but she’ll smoke anyway because she doesn’t believe bad things will happen to her.

Young adolescents are focused on the here and now. They think, “Teenagers don’t get lung cancer.” The more support a young smoker has from her peers, the less likely she is to think about future problems.

If you find out your child has experimented with tobacco, express your firm disapproval, talk about the harmful effects, and then—if she’s stopped smoking—let the matter drop, although you need to keep a watchful eye on her.

However, if you suspect that your child is becoming a regular smoker, treat her habit as a serious problem. Verify her smoking by searching her room for cigarettes and matches. Most children don’t hide things very well. Confront her: “I smell smoke when you come in the house”. “I found a cigarette lighter in your jacket pocket.” If she lies, don’t accept what she says, even though you might prefer to avoid the issue.

Set firm limits and consequences: “I’m very angry and disappointed.” “You made a bad choice and I won’t accept it.” “Smoking at your age is terrible.” Take privileges and allowance away if you think that will be effective. Talk about the major risks of smoking, and about the other problems smoking causes, such as stained teeth, an unpleasant odor, and lack of wind for sports. These immediate effects might impress her more than long-range threats to her health.

If necessary, change some of your own behavior. Give up smoking. Spend more time with your child and work on creating a strong, positive relationship with her. Monitor her activities and friendships, and consider telling her friends’ parents about the problem. Be persistent—the temptation to smoke will only increase as your child moves through adolescence.

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Parents want to believe that their kids won’t try drugs or alcohol. After all, preteens have been constantly exposed to anti-drug messages in school, at home, and in the media. They hear about celebrities’ drug addictions and overdoses, about drunk-driving fatalities, alcoholism, and drug- and alcohol-related violence. Parents hope all this information, plus the values stressed at home, will keep their child from trouble.

However, kids are curious, and drugs and alcohol are easily available. The same media that broadcast the “bad news” about drugs also glamorize drug and alcohol use. Many teen heroes are drug users, and many rock songs, videos, movies, and TV shows make drugs and alcohol seem acceptable and even desirable.

Seventh- and eighth-graders usually can point out the “drug group” at school. One thirteen-year-old frequently tells his parents about kids who buy drugs at his suburban school: “They stand at their lockers and pass little bags to each other.” Children are fascinated by the subject of drug use. They want to know who does it, why, and how it feels.

The most vulnerable kids are those who are left unsupervised, who feel consistently left out socially, who have too much stress in their lives, or whose parents’ abuse alcohol or drugs. If such children don’t experiment at these ages, they are likely to in high school, where exposure, access, and peer pressure are greater.

Peer pressure plays a big part in early drug use. Children are easily influenced by their friends and fear rejection for not “going along.” A child needs a strong counter influence at home, giving him the reasons and the inner resources to resist. Otherwise, as he goes through adolescence, he may create a negative identity for himself as a drinker or drug user.

The best way to keep your child away from these temptations is to let him know that drug use and underage alcohol use is absolutely wrong. Give a clear, strong message that will become part of his conscience. He’ll need to remember your words and values when friends urge him to experiment, especially as he hits the mid- and late-adolescent years. Then, he’ll see many more of his peers becoming involved, and not understanding the bigger picture, he may rationalize, “Everyone does it and nothing bad happens.” Don’t waffle now, even if you think (in the abstract) that a little drink or occasional marijuana is not so bad. What starts out as fun can easily lead to a pattern of abuse and permanent damage.

If you suspect that your child is already experimenting, act quickly. Question him about drug use, keep a close eye on his behavior, friends, and activities, and search his room and belongings. If he’s drinking or using drugs, don’t try to deal with the problem entirely on your own. Get advice right away from books or a counselor experienced in treating adolescent drug use.

While you’re getting help, try to learn why your child turned to drugs. Is he escaping from his problems? Who are his friends? How does he spend his free time? Are you home enough? Is school too stressful? What family values do you stress? Are you dealing with substance abuse by adult family members?

Stopping drug use early is essential, but it takes strength and perseverance. You’ll not only have to work on the immediate problem, but establish an involved and positive relationship with your child so he can move more safely through adolescence, with its increased temptations, peer pressure, and opportunities.

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Many kids don’t like school. They complain about the work, the rules, the teachers, the bus ride, their classmates, or homework. Sometimes the problem centers on the child. Her unhappiness may be a symptom of stress at home, low self-esteem, or problems with peers. At times a child may “hate” school because she isn’t doing well. The work may be too hard. The class may be too large or the setting too distracting for her to concentrate. A child starting middle school may need time to adjust.

Often, however, the problem is school itself. Kids may have valid complaints: “Workbooks are a waste of time.” “Field trips are no fun because you spend your time taking notes and doing what the teacher says to do.” “The book reports we turn in are stupid. You don’t even have to read the book.” “I worked so hard on this paper and she marked it all up and said to do it again. Next time I’m only writing a little.” “All we do is preparing for the standardized test.”

Schools have a responsibility to teach subject matter, help students become independent and responsible learners, and encourage them to think critically and analytically. Children and teachers should respect each other, and teachers should be tolerant of mistakes. Schools also should help parents understand how the education system works and what they can do to help their child. Unfortunately, schools fail at these tasks.

Classroom rules and teaching methods may bore children and discourage learning: “I don’t like science because we never do experiments.” “We have to do the same work as everyone else, even if we already know it.” “You’re never allowed to talk.” “She always calls on the same kids.” There is often not enough flexibility, spontaneity, or creativity in schools. Kids don’t understand or take into consideration all the constraints a teacher faces, dealing with administrative rules, a rigid curriculum, overcrowded classrooms, and difficult students and parents.

“Gifted and talented” classes can be especially disappointing. In some schools, the accelerated and regular curriculums are the same. A gifted child is simply expected to do more of what everyone else is doing—-four similar worksheets, for example, instead of two. One mother took her child out of his middle school gifted program: “The only extra thing the G-T classes had was more busy work!”

Since children don’t have the power to change what happens in the classroom, they complain, hoping adults will help. Some parents listen sympathetically. Like their child, they’re frustrated. They want her to be an active, involved learner, but they fear she won’t be motivated by daily, uninspired lessons.

Other parents don’t want to hear complaints: “I got through the system and so can you.” These parents may defend the status quo and blame their child for not going along with teachers’ demands: “If Mrs. Cooper won’t give you extra credit; she must have a good reason.”

If your child is unhappy in school, she needs your help. Try to find out what’s wrong. If family problems are interfering with schoolwork, make an effort to relieve your child’s stress. If the work seems too hard, find a peer who can coach your child, hire a tutor, do tutoring yourself, or talk to the teacher. If she has continuing difficulty with schoolwork or with a particular teacher, ask if she can switch to another class. If you can’t resolve issues at your child’s school, consider changing to another public school or to a private school that addresses her needs.

Get involved in your child’s education. Encourage her efforts, help with homework, talk about what she’s learning, and be supportive, even when she gets a low grade. Provide the stimulation that may be lacking in school; this will increase her interest and skills. Go to museums, special exhibits, libraries, bookstores, nature centers, and the zoo. Talk about articles from newspapers and magazines. Do research together. Stop in educational stores to pick up interesting materials. And make reading—individually or aloud—a priority.

Talk to your child about her dissatisfaction with school. She may be very perceptive about the problem or she may have only a vague idea of what’s wrong. Many ten- to thirteen- year- olds lack the experience and understanding to analyze their situation. But most can offer some ideas for improvement: “Why can’t we work in groups?” ”Why can’t we make suggestions about subjects to study?” “I wish the teacher would stop patting kids down.” “If she were nicer, I’d ask more questions.”

To help change your child’s school situation, become an active member of the PTA and get to know the teachers and principal. Talk to them about her problems, offer your suggestions, and ask for theirs. If you’re calm and respectful, they should be willing to listen. Contrary to parents’ fears, most teachers won’t react negatively to a child whose parents have a complaint. If you’re not happy with your local school’s response, take your issues to the school district administration. However, be realistic about the improvements you can bring about. School systems change slowly, if at all. Rather than wait, do all you can to keep your child interested in learning.

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Being part of a group is very important to pre- and early adolescents. They spend a great deal of time thinking about their popularity and the main factors that affect it—personality, athletic skills, talents, and looks: “Will Scott invite me to his party?” “Am I as pretty as Lisa?” “Is Ian going to make the team instead of me?” “Who will I walk to school with?” “Will Samir like me if he knows I’m friends with Joey?”

Kids constantly weigh their relative positions in a group. Since friendships can shift at these ages, a child may feel liked one week and rejected the next. Sometimes children who have been best friends through much of elementary school drift apart because of differing interests and developmental changes. If one joins a new group, the other may feel temporarily alone. A pair of friends may be broken up by a third child who bonds with only one of the original two. In some cases, a child may be deliberately targeted by school or neighborhood bullies.

Most kids, however, don’t intend to be cruel. They simply aren’t thinking about the consequences of ending friendships, but instead concentrating on their own interests and desires to be liked.

Parents have mixed reactions to their child’s worries about popularity. At times they’re impatient with concerns about trivial incidents: “I’m sure Beth still likes you. It doesn’t matter if she says hi to Anne first.” They know that these kinds of issues come and go.

However, parents suffer along with their child when he feels truly rejected. They’re upset by his hurt feelings, anger, and confusion. Yet, they can’t make the situation better, as they could during earlier years with a phone call to another parent or an invitation to a new friend. Parents can say, “Call someone else from your class,” but they can’t force others to accept their child and they can’t create friendships for him.

What they can and should do is listen and offer reassurance and help. A child who’s vulnerable needs a great deal of support, and if he doesn’t get it from his parents, he won’t get it at all. They must remind him that he’s worthy of friendship and love and that he’ll get through these tough times.

When your child talks about feeling unpopular, be a sympathetic, understanding listener. If he expresses inevitable doubts about his place in the group, help him put his experience in perspective: “Everybody has an occasional bad day when they play baseball. I’m sure your friends didn’t mean to insult you.”

If he describes deeper hurt, first offer comfort and remind him of his strengths: “This is a hard time for you. But you’re a great kid and I know you’ll make new friends.” Pay enough attention to his friendships so that you know when things aren’t going well. If he doesn’t talk about social problems, raise the subject yourself: “I notice Nick doesn’t call here anymore. Are you two still friends?” “It’s hard to talk about feelings, but I’d like to help you.” Share stories about your experiences while growing up: “I know how you feel about Josh. There was a really popular cheerleader named Sandy in my class and I was jealous of her and wanted to be friends at the same time.”

If you think he’s losing friends because of negative behavior, let him know that he has to be less aggressive and self-centered, and generally nicer to people: “You need to listen to other kids’ suggestions more often.” “Don’t be so tough on your friends.”

If shyness is keeping him from joining a group, have him invite friends over individually. You also can help him focus on hobbies and organized activities he enjoys. That way he can meet people with similar interests and start new friendships with kids who are more like him.

Talk to him about why kids exclude each other and why friendships change. He should understand that former friends probably didn’t mean to hurt his feelings—they just developed new interests. Likewise, if your child has given up some of his own friendships, help him see what the consequences may have been. If you think that he’s mistreating others because they’re unpopular, demand that he change his behavior. Explain how it feels to be ostracized, and don’t accept excuses for his actions. If you find him consistently acting out and bullying, you probably need professional guidance.

You also may need help if your child is the one being deliberately excluded or picked on. Try to find out what’s going on and why he’s a target (since some kids “invite” bullying). Contact his teachers if you think that will make a difference, consistently give him help and encouragement, and get professional advice if you believe that emotional problems are either causing or resulting from his lack of popularity.

It’s become impossible to discuss even the most ordinary issues of unpopularity without at least mentioning the tragic cases of school violence associated with a pre-teen or teenager’s sense of isolation and anger. While news about these frightening incidents receives a great deal of attention, the events are extremely rare. The real lesson for everyone is that parents—and not schools–play the most important day-to-day role in how kids act, feel about themselves, and treat others. It’s appropriate to expect teachers to set and enforce limits on all students and to encourage inclusiveness. But realistically, parents are the ones who have to stay on top of what’s going on, teach responsible behavior, and be active advocates for their child.

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As pre-teens become increasingly involved with friends, they spend more time on the phone. Some make short calls for practical reasons: “When’s the game?” “Do you want to come over?” “What’s the homework?’ Others spend long periods on, the phone every day. They call each other to talk about school, tests, social activities, who likes that, clothes, weather, sports, music, movies, and families. They even call to “watch” television together: “We’ve both got The Simpsons on.”

Parents wonder why their child wants to make and receive so many calls. Adults try to minimize their own time on the phone, especially in the evenings. Yet some kids want to talk constantly, even to people they’ve just seen. A girl leaving a friend after a sleepover may yell, “Call me!” as she gets in the car. One parent described her thirteen-year-old’s visit to her grandparents: “Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Can I use your phone?”

There are many reasons children like to call each other. Talking on the phone is an activity—something enjoyable to do, especially during the long afternoons if parents aren’t home. It’s a way to stay busy.

Phoning also gives kids a chance to talk about their feelings. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds share less and less of their personal lives with their parents. They’d rather discuss family and social problems with friends who won’t criticize or lecture them. As friendships become increasingly intense at these ages, kids stay in touch out of a sense of loyalty and concern: “Did you get in trouble with your dad?”

Another reason friends call each other is to finish conversations they’ve started in school. Although classmates are together all day, they rarely have time to socialize. Since talking in class can get them in trouble, they call each other at home to talk in detail about the day’s events.

Most parents don’t want their child to spend a lot of time on the phone. They worry about the hours away from homework, chores, and physical activity. They dislike the frequent interruptions caused by phone calls and get angry when the line is busy. “I’m expecting an important business call,” sometimes gets the response, “But I have to tell Jen just one more thing.” In addition, parents don’t like siblings arguing about phone use: “You always let Michelle talk longer.” “John’s on the phone all the time. It’s not fair!” Some parents try to control phone calls with rigid rules, but this rarely works. Tracking calls and strictly allotting phone time takes considerable effort, and there are always special circumstances. If parents forbid all weeknight social calls, their child may end up sneaking calls or lying: “I wasn’t on the phone.” “I just had to ask a question about our math assignment.”

One solution to arguments about phone calls is flexible scheduling: “You can use the phone from 7:30 to 8:00 and then it’s Tim’s turn.” If you try this, make sure all family members know there will be exceptions to the schedule. An important call might come in, someone may have to return a call, or an extra few minutes may be needed to finish a conversation.

You also can try a flexible approach without specific scheduling. If you remind your children to be patient and considerate of each other’s needs, they may be able to juggle phone time according to daily circumstances. You and your spouse also should try to follow the guidelines you set up. Your child will feel angry and uncooperative if all of your calls, even unimportant ones, take precedence over hers.

If you find your child is not spending enough time on homework or other responsibilities, limit her use of the phone: “You can only make a call when your assignments are done.” “You have a big project due in two days. No calls until it’s finished.” You also should limit your child’s calls if you want to spend more time with her: “I just got home and I’d like to hear about your day. You can call Carmen later.”

If she spends too much of her free time on the phone, suggest alternatives. You don’t want phone use to be a substitute for other activities. Try interesting her in drawing, playing a game, and writing, reading, going outside, having a friend over, or taking part in after-school activities or sports.

When she uses the phone (even if it’s her own phone line), be sure she knows how to act responsibly no late-night calls received or made, no trick calls, no calls with silent friends eavesdropping, no rudeness to adults who answer the phone. Be aware of the ways she uses, or misuses, services such as conference calling.

Telephone technology changes constantly, offering options that may help (but also may complicate) home phone use: answering machines, additional phone lines, call-waiting, call-forwarding, computer dedicated phone lines, cell phones, caller ID, and other services and devices. You and your child may be using email and computerized instant messaging as phone alternatives. Whatever options you try, continually encourage your child to share, to be reasonable and responsible, and to show respect for others.

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