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As kids get older, they want more control over clothing purchases and haircuts. Depending on age and interest, they may ask for a little more say or they may ask to make all decision themselves. As long as parents and kids share the same taste, there’s usually little conflict. But when tastes differ, as they often do, there can be frequent struggles. Some parents first deal with this issue when their child is ten to twelve years old; other parents have been arguing about clothes since their child was in preschool.

Most kids decide how they want to look based on how their friends look. Dressing like a friend gives a child a sense of belonging. Specific styles are less important than “fitting in.” Some groups of kids like clothes and hairstyles that draw attention. They want to wear outrageous shirts, cut their jeans, or color or shave part of their hair. Some groups dress for comfort or prefer a conservative look. Still others are label-conscious and like the latest fashions.

Under the influence of peers, a child may quickly change her mind about what she likes. One eleven-year-old refused to wear the jacket her mother handed her. But when the girl’s friend said, “I like that coat,” the girl put it on. Another child pleaded with his mother to buy a pair of decorated jeans. After wearing them to school one day, he said he’d never wear them again because everybody teased him: “I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to stand up the whole day.”

Even without peer influence, a child’s taste can change suddenly. She may get dressed for an occasion; look in the mirror, and say, “This dress is too big.” “I like the pants but I don’t like the shirt it came with.” “I look terrible.” She may think everything looks better on someone else. She may like her friends’ clothes better than her own, even when the items are almost identical. Some kids even exchange clothes with friends in school bathrooms.

All of this can be very frustrating for parents. Their suggestions are often ignored and their purchases rejected: “Mom, nobody wears that.” Their advice is met with defensiveness. One parent told her twelve-year-old daughter she dressed too much like a boy. The girl said, “But all my friends have these shirts!” One boy who got a stylish haircut all over the objections of his parents said, “Now I look like a normal thirteen-year-old.”

A child’s desire for faddish or inappropriate clothes and hairstyles can easily lead to tension. Some families struggle constantly over makeup, shaved heads, pierced ears, ripped jeans, and long bangs.

If you’re unhappy about your child’s taste, set firm limits. The standards you reinforce now will set a precedent for what you’ll accept in her later adolescent years. Tell her which styles you won’t allow: “You can’t wear that tight shirt.” “You’re too young to wear make-up to school.” “That’s an offensive picture on that T-shirt.”

Try compromising on items that are acceptable but make you uncomfortable: “You can buy baggy jeans, but those are too large.” “We can look for that shoe in another color.” Let your child know when she can wear certain clothes: “Those shorts are fine if you’re with your friends, but I want you to wear something neater to Uncle Alan’s.” If a major family event such as Thanksgiving is approaching, tell her she’ll have to wait until afterward to change her hairstyle.

While it’s appropriate to set limits on extreme styles, try to accept many of your child’s choices and compliment her as often as you can. She still wants your approval, and constant criticism from you can harm her self-image. Remember your own feelings about clothes, appearance, and independence while growing up. Your frustrations then are similar to hers now.

You may find tensions decrease if you give her a clothing allowance, as many parents of thirteen-year-olds do. Go over spending guidelines: “Use this money to buy one shirt and one pair of pants.” “You can get one shirt for thirty dollars or two for thirty dollars, depending on which store you go to.”

Whatever your differences in taste, try to keep the issue in perspective. As long as your child does well in school, has friends, and is involved in activities, the style of haircut and clothing she prefers may he relatively unimportant. The only need for concern is if she generally isn’t doing well or if she consistently chooses styles to antagonize you and others. This may be the sign of a deeper problem you need to pay attention to.

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During a school meeting on pre-adolescent behavior, parents were asked to write down the one subject that was most difficult to discuss with their child. One mother was too embarrassed to write “sex,” so she put down “homework.” She later found out her friends had done the same thing. They wrote “chores,” “talking back,” “sibling rivalry”—anything but “sex.”

 Most parents and kids have a hard time talking to each other about sex. Parents find it difficult to imagine their child as a sexual being, and they’re ambivalent about giving detailed information. Discussions often become embarrassing as parents blush and kids try to change the subject: “Okay! I know about that. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

Pre- and early adolescents are definitely interested in sex. They just don’t want to discuss it with a parent: “I’m not going to tell my father what I’m thinking about some girl.” Kids are much more comfortable and uninhibited talking with friends about sex. They also look for information from older siblings, books, TV, movies, and magazines. Some of what they find out is accurate, some isn’t. They rarely hear a discussion of values from these non-parental sources.

Most parents believe they should talk more about sex to their child than they do. They remember their own lack of knowledge as pre-teens and want him to grow up in a more communicative home.

When kids are young, parents have a relatively easy time telling them the basics of intercourse and childbirth. Yet as they approach adolescence, parents avoid discussions about the details: wet dreams, sexual arousal, masturbation, etc.: “I’ll wait a little while.” “They talk about that in health class.” “He’s probably heard a lot already.” Avoidance is not surprising. Adults rarely speak seriously about sex with anyone, even close friends.

As uncomfortable as you may be, try to find a workable way to communicate information and strong values to your child. If you want to discuss an aspect of sexuality, acknowledge your discomfort: “I feel really awkward, but there’s something I want to tell you about.” “I was too embarrassed to talk about this before, but I want to try now.”

Briefly share your information. If your child wants to learn more, continue. If he doesn’t, don’t force a longer discussion. He may be more open if you talk about your own lack of information as a child: “When I was a kid, I pretended I knew all about sex, but I didn’t.” Don’t be surprised by blunt responses and questions: “Was Dad the first man you had sex with?” If discussing sex is too difficult for you, give your child one of the many good books on the subject, written for his age and maturity level. Urge him to read it, and offer to answer questions he has.

At these ages, it’s important to share your thoughts on relationships and intimacy. Some parents clearly believe their child should abstain from intercourse until marriage, while other parents, looking ahead, are not quite that absolute. Whatever your position, make it clear that sexual intimacy is not appropriate until the people involved are grown and mature. Talk to your child about responsibility to himself and others and about loving relationships. Discussions about contraceptives and safe sex can generally wait until your child is older.

Learning about sex is a gradual process, and each person’s feelings and knowledge about the subject will evolve through a lifetime of changes. When you raise your child in a caring and loving home, he’ll feel good about himself, acquire strong values, and have a positive model for all his later relationships.

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Puberty is a time of growth and change for children, and it’s also a time of stress. They have worries and questions about their bodies. They become increasingly private. They’re concerned about their social lives and they’re starting to distance themselves from their families. Parents are often unsure of how to deal with all the issues raised during this period.

One cause of concern for many kids is the difference in rates of development. The desire to be like their peers is so strong that pre- and early adolescents who are maturing slowly may become upset and jealous: “When am I ever going to grow?” “Everybody treats me like I’m so young.” A child who matures quickly may feel awkward and embarrassed: “People act like I’m already a teenager.”

Girls are often self-conscious about their developing breasts: “I’m wearing a T-shirt over my bathing suit.” Because this aspect of puberty is so obvious, friends or classmates may tease her about her breast size. Some younger girls who develop early don’t want to wear bras. The process of shopping in a lingerie department may be too intimidating for a child who feels modest.

Another issue of puberty is when to shave body hair. Girls – usually by age twelve – are shaving their legs and underarms, and many boys are shaving off a mustache by thirteen. But some girls want to shave at an earlier age, and some twelve- and thirteen-year-old boys don’t seem ready to shave, even if they have dark facial hair: “Why do I have to shave and my friends don’t?” Parents and kids may end up arguing about this aspect of personal hygiene.

Just as many families are uncomfortable discussing sex, they’re also reluctant to talk about puberty. A child may mention worries about height, but a girl may be embarrassed to share her fear of being flat-chested, and a boy may not talk about changes in his voice.

Parents may sense this self-consciousness; they also may feel reluctant to open a discussion about their child’s body. They are often startled by the “sudden” changes they see, and they’re curious about the changes they don’t see. Yet, it rarely feels appropriate to ask a child personal questions about her body.

Even if conversations about puberty seem awkward, let your child know she can ask you anything. Offer her a book or articles on puberty and treat her concerns and questions with respect.

If you think she’s focusing on her body too much, try to involve her in more activities and talk about her interests and accomplishments: “I love to hear you practice guitar.” “Why don’t you try the cartooning class at the youth center?” Give your child frequent compliments: “you’re a great kid!” “You look great all dressed up.” “It was really nice of you to help Grandpa.”

Give her practical help. If she’s embarrassed about buying bras, bring some home from the store for her or let her go into the dressing room alone. When she develops pimples, find appropriate soaps or creams and, if necessary, take her to a dermatologist.

Talk to your daughter about menstruation to be sure she knows what to expect. (She’ll certainly feel more comfortable talking with her mother than her father.) As long as she understands the basic facts, you can wait until she gets her period to discuss details such as pads, tampons, cramps, and irregular cycles. When she does begin menstruating, talk about her feelings and such practical issues as changing pads or tampons at school and handling accidents. You might choose to discreetly let her siblings know, depending on their ages, that their sister has started menstruating. Be careful when you do this. You don’t want your other children to become alarmed if they see a used pad, but you also don’t want to violate your daughter’s sense of privacy.

If she’s maturing more quickly or slowly than average, keep treating her in a way that’s appropriate for her chronological age. An eleven-year-old who looks quite mature is still eleven. Some parents make the mistake of letting their older-looking pre-teen wear makeup, dress more maturely, and go places without supervision. Similarly, parents of a more slowly developing child may tease her or treat her like a much younger person.

Throughout puberty, she will be especially vulnerable. Try to be patient and understanding. In the face of changes, she needs to know you love and accept her. The more support and encouragement you give, the better she’ll feel about herself and her body.

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One of the earliest signs of puberty is increased body odor. In the beginning, it may only be detectable after a child finishes playing a sport or participating in gym class. As he gets older, the need for deodorant becomes more obvious.

Kids sometimes hear about body odor from teachers who discuss general hygiene in class. Sometimes they hear about it from classmates: “You have b.o.” “Jeremy stinks!” More often, however, they won’t mention body odor to a friend for fear of hurting his feelings. Instead, it’s a parent who first tells a child to start using deodorant.

His reaction will vary, depending on his maturity and his ability to practice good hygiene. Some kids are quite practical. They’re independent about getting ready for school and activities, and they easily incorporate deodorant use into their daily routine with only an occasional reminder.

Many other ten- to thirteen-year-olds need frequent reminders. They have much on their minds, especially in the morning: “Where’s my lunch money? Did I study enough for the math test? What pants should I wear? I wish I could go back to sleep.” They have trouble remembering about teeth, cleanliness, and nails, and deodorant is just one more thing that’s easily forgotten.

Finally, some kids these ages may not be ready—or willing—to think about bodily changes, especially increased odor. They don’t yet have an adolescent’s concern about image, and they can’t easily detect the odor themselves. They would just as soon ignore the issue.

This is frustrating for parents who want to spare their child and themselves embarrassment. They don’t want him to be teased and they don’t want other adults to say, “He shouldn’t let his kid smell like that.” One teacher announced to her class, “Somebody in here has body odor.”

To get your child to use deodorant, make it easy for him. Put the container in clear sight along with his toothbrush, soap, and hair-brush. If deodorant is kept in a cabinet, he may never think about it. Post a friendly or humorous note on the bathroom mirror. Remind him every morning. Put deodorant in his overnight bag when he sleeps out.

New routines always take time to learn, and soon enough your child will take over responsibility for this and the other aspects of grooming. The closer he gets to adolescence, the more he will focus on his body and his appearance.

For now, he’s not being neglectful or lazy. He’s either genuinely for-getting about deodorant or he’s uncomfortable about this new part of his life. Let him know that his feelings are common, and keep talking to him about the importance of good hygiene.

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“All I did was ask about the party and my daughter started crying.”

“Every day my son comes home from school in a bad mood.”

“Why does my child get so angry when plans change?”

Emotions during the pre- and early adolescent years are intense and unpredictable. One moment a child feels rage and the next she seems calm and delightful. Mood changes and bursts of temper often take parents by surprise. A simple question asked of a thirteen-year-old (“Do you think that sweater will keep you warm?”) can solicit a furious response: “Mom, you just don’t understand anything. I hate talking to you!” One eleven-year-old instantly went from happy to belligerent when his mother ran a brief errand on the way to baseball practice: “Why do you always have to stop at stores?” A twelve-year-old left for school in a bad mood because she was out of hair gel.

Everyone feels moody at times; emotional ups and downs are a normal part of life, but they’re exaggerated at this time, especially for twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. During these years, kids go through great physical, intellectual, and psychological changes, all of which affect their emotions. A child begins to think about her beliefs and values. She is capable of considering other people’s thoughts and opinions. Unfortunately, she often assumes people are thinking about her, especially in critical ways. She may act very self-consciously: “Will my freckles go away?” “Why is everyone staring at me?” “I wanted to die when I tripped on the steps at school.” She may feel inferior to her peers: “Why am I the one with horrible hair?” Such insecurity causes frequent mood swings.

As part of the normal drive for independence, a child distances herself from her parents, and in the process becomes more critical of their actions and choices. She can imagine an ideal self and family. When she or her parents fall short, she can easily become unhappy or angry.

In addition, thoughts and emotions that were suppressed or not easily verbalized during earlier years might surface now. She may become very upset about unfair treatment in the past: “You’re always so critical. I can’t be perfect!” Through bad moods and angry outbursts, she releases her frustration with her parents.

There is another reason for mood swings: life gets more complex and stressful for kids at these ages. Competitive sports, adjusting to middle school, an expanding social life, busy schedules, family conflicts, and worries about the world outside the home all affect a child’s emotions. Parents’ expectations also increase as kids get older. One thirteen-year-old said, “My parents make me so mad. They order me to clean up, go somewhere, do something, and they ground me if I don’t listen.”

These are some of the underlying causes of mood swings. And almost any event can trigger a short temper or bad mood—a low grade on a test, a teasing remark, a disagreement with a friend or sibling, any embarrassment. If a child isn’t invited to join her classmates after school, she may come home and shout at her brother. A boy who’s criticized during gym class may in turn criticize his parents’ choice of conversation at dinner.

Because many of the changes in a child’s life are not experienced on a conscious level or are subtle, a pre- or early adolescent may be puzzled or upset by her own shifting moods: “I don’t know why, but I’m depressed.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m sorry I get mad all the time.” There’s so much to sort through and understand that kids sometimes feel out of control.

You can help your child feel less confused by telling him what you think is causing his anger: “You didn’t expect to do poorly on the math test, did you?” “That was a tough game.” “Brooke should have invited you, too.” Share experiences from your youth: “I remember how awful it felt not having someone to talk to at the bus stop.’ “I used to be mean to Aunt Joan a lot when I was in a bad mood.”

Resist asking frequently, “What’s wrong?’ or, “Are you all right?” because your child will eventually react defensively. One twelve-year-old told her mother, “I hate when you ask me if I’m in a bad mood.”

While you should allow your child the occasional harmless outburst—everyone needs to let out some frustration—in general, don’t accept rude or disrespectful behavior. Tell her when her words are inappropriate – “I’m really bothered by your tone.” “You need to control your temper.”—she might not view her moodiness or short temper in negative ways. Let her know that her negative behavior will have consequences.

Examine and, if necessary, change your own behavior. If you have a short temper or frequently act moody, your child may be copying you. Think about circumstances that might be exaggerating her moodiness, such as difficulty with schoolwork, tension at home, or excessive pressure to excel. If you can ease some of these problems and bolster her self-confidence in any way, you’ll see an improvement in her temperament. One child began to feel calmer when his parents let him drop out of competitive swimming.

When your child is pleasant or cooperative, compliment her. In general, tell her she’s a “good kid.” And try to have a sense of humor in the face of normal pre-teen and early adolescent behavior. One parent told his thirteen-year-old, “Stop acting like a thirteen-year-old!”

Your child, like most, probably saved her short temper and moodiness for home, where she feels relatively safe and secure. At school, with friends, and with adults other than her parents, she’s most likely polite and controlled. Moodiness at home is a normal part of development. Although it may be difficult for you, try to be supportive and patient.

All families have to work at living in harmony. Blended families, especially ones with ten- to thirteen-year-olds, have to try particularly hard. Kids these ages go through tremendous physical and emotional changes as they form their adolescent identities. In the midst of their internal upheavals, they often react quite negatively to a new step-family. And new stepparents may have negative feelings of their own. They rarely feel the same bond with a stepchild that they do with their natural children. Adjusting to life in a blended family requires much commitment, patience, and understanding from all members.

Parents may have an easier time if they understand the child’s point of view. Because he may still be sad about his parents’ divorce, he may fear attachment to another adult who might leave. He also may worry about losing the love and attention of his newly married parent, seeing the stepparent as an intruder and rival.

The stepparent is another authority figure, and a pre- or early adolescent will resent new or different rules and restrictions. He doesn’t want his natural parent to give up control: “If he didn’t live with us, you wouldn’t make me clean my room so much!” “Why do I have to go to bed early just because Margaret said so?”

When a stepparent joins a family, many rituals and routines change, and a ten- to thirteen-year-old finds that upsetting. He doesn’t want his natural parent to act differently, and he doesn’t want to alter the patterns of everyday life.

A child who resents a stepparent may act on his feelings in a number of ways. He may try to sabotage the new marriage by being intentionally uncooperative and belligerent. He may fantasize that his actions will bring his natural parents together again.

He may use his stepparent as a target for all his frustration and anger: “It’s Jim’s fault I didn’t do well on the test. I can’t study when he’s around.” ‘It’s never fun going to dinner anymore because of Ellen and her dumb kids.” He feels safe doing this because he has little to lose – he doesn’t necessarily care what his stepparent thinks of him.

One reason a child may focus so much blame on the stepparent is because he wants his natural parent to be the “good” one. If he gets upset at him or her, he risks feeling guilty, losing his parent’s love, and facing his mother or father’s anger.

Another complication in blended families is the presence of stepsiblings. At these ages, kids don’t want to be told whom to like. Yet, in a blended family they’re thrown together with new siblings and forced to socialize, have their weekends interrupted by visits from each other, share possessions and perhaps even a bedroom, and compete for attention from parents. It’s natural that stepsiblings feel resentment about perceived unfairness. And if the parents in a remarriage have different discipline standards, stepsiblings will argue about who has to listen to which adult.

In spite of the difficulties, blended families can succeed. To help your family during its adjustment, look for stepfamily social or support groups in your area. They offer an opportunity to talk about concerns, hear tips on getting along, and listen to other families’ experiences. You also might consider using a therapist to help improve your family’s relationships.

Talk often at home. Hold family meetings, allowing each member to speak without interruption about troubling issues. To avoid angry outbursts, set ground rules – no put-downs or criticism and no yelling. Such meetings can create a positive atmosphere and clear up misunderstandings.

If you are a stepparent, be patient as you get to know your stepchild. Ask him about his activities and interests, go to his games, and help him with his hobbies. Don’t create or enforce rules unless you have a good relationship with him, and don’t try to replace his absent natural parent. If he rejects you, look for possible openings. Will he let you help with homework? Can you play tennis, cook, bike, garden, sing, or read together?

If you’re the natural parent, spend time alone with your child, reinforcing your relationship. Praise him when he tries to get along with his stepfamily: “I know it’s hard sometimes. Thanks for trying.” Be realistic in your expectations for the relationship between him and your child. Tell him how you’d like him to act and remind him, if necessary, that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable: “We don’t treat you that way and we don’t want you treating us that way.” Take on the role of disciplinarian for him, rather than leaving that responsibility to your new spouse.

Be sensitive to the difficulty stepsiblings have with their arrangements. It takes time for kids to adjust to each other. Sometimes ask them for suggestions about getting along and dealing with conflicts.

As you adjust to your blended family, it’s important that your marriage remain loving and stable. Remarriages are often difficult, and stepfamily tension coupled with everyday stress can be very disruptive. If you put time and effort into your relationship with your spouse, you will not only strengthen the bonds of your marriage, but your bonds with your child as well. When he sees that you love and enjoy each other, he may try harder to accept his situation. And he may realize that his anger and stubbornness are causing him to miss out on a satisfying family life.

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