Category Ask the Psychologist

It’s common for kids to have a hard time if their single parent begins to date. They may complain, sulk, or otherwise act out their discomfort and unhappiness. One girl told her mother, “When you go out with a man, it’s worse than the divorce!” Another child cried whenever she saw either of her parents with a new companion.

Parents who are looking forward to resuming their social lives may resent this display of anger and sadness: “Don’t ruin things. I need a life too. It’s not my fault your father left me.” While parents can understand some of their child’s unhappiness, they’re often surprised by the depth of her negative feelings.

Most children resent their parents’ dating because they believe it makes a family reconciliation less likely. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds may still think that they can bring their parents back together, or that their parents will re-unite on their own. A child may act rudely to her parents’ dates in hopes of discouraging relationships outside the original family.

She also may worry about receiving less attention once her parent begins dating. In a sense, she feels abandoned as her single parent focuses time and energy on a new companion. A date is an intruder and a threat.

Sometimes a child remains distant toward her parents’ dates because she fears involvement: “I think this guy will walk out on us like my dad did.” The child doesn’t want her parent to get hurt, and she doesn’t want to get hurt herself. Depending on the circumstances of the divorce, she may fear that her parent won’t be loyal to the new companion.

Finally, she may be uncomfortable with her parents’ social life because she herself is becoming interested in dating. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds who are discovering their own sexual and romantic feelings dislike imagining that their parents might have similar thoughts.

To deal with your child’s worries, keep the lines of communication open if you start dating. Find out what she thinks, even if you’d rather not know. She’ll feel better talking openly about her concerns. Acknowledge your difficulties: “This is awkward, isn’t it?” “How can I help you feel better about my dating?” Imagine yourself in her place – it might help you understand and be more patient.

When you begin to date someone, meet him or her at a location other than your home. There’s no point in upsetting your child by having her greet the people you go out with.

Before bringing dates home, tell them about your child and offer advice on dealing with her. If they seem overly friendly, she may withdraw. Brief, casual contact is best. If dates show a genuine interest in her, she may respond favorably, although she may not want to spend much time with them. If they complement you or act affectionate in her presence, she may feel threatened and worry about losing you.

Don’t have a date spend the night at your house. Your child will feel embarrassed and awkward knowing that you’re sleeping with someone in the family’s home. In addition, she’ll be negatively influenced by what goes on. She’s looking to you as a model, and eventually she’ll copy you. If you want her to have good values as she enters adolescence, don’t expose her to sleepovers.

As you continue to date, you may be tempted to ask your child for acceptance or even advice. But don’t expect too much. She won’t be able to understand or validate your social life. She’s more likely to be uncooperative since she’d prefer that you didn’t go out. If your expectations are unrealistic, you’ll only become frustrated and angry.

You’ll have to work hard at helping her adjust. The more time you spend talking with her, being with her, and building a positive relationship, the easier that adjustment may be. If your dating takes time and attention away from her, you and she will be in conflict. If she has unusual difficulty with your dating, she may need extra support, including a therapy group.

Once you understand the problems your dating can cause, you may want to consider an option some parents have chosen: not dating until your children are older or even grown. Certainly this involves a sacrifice and may seem an unusual alternative. But the years of active parenting go quickly and you may find that putting your energy into family life, especially after a divorce, will have lasting benefits while still leaving you time for personal intimacy later.

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Parents don’t want the breakup of their marriage to harm their child. Before divorce, many parents seek advice from a family therapist about minimizing their child’s suffering. During and after the divorce, most parents’ love and concern for their child remain unchanged. Yet, the stress of divorce can be so intense that parents eventually find it hard to keep concentrating on their child’s needs.

Divorce is almost always devastating for kids. Many parents want to believe their child will bounce back: “Kids are so resilient.” “He’ll get over it after a little while.” But children don’t recover easily. Some may seem unaffected simply because they have busy schedules and many distractions. Others keep their feelings to themselves for fear of further upsetting or angering their parents. A child who is confused, ashamed, or embarrassed may hide or deny his feelings rather than talk about this tough issue. And many emotions are repressed.

            What a child of divorce feels is sadness, anger, hurt, and sometimes a sense of abandonment. Even if he was exposed to frequent turmoil when his parents were together, he usually won’t greet the divorce with relief. Almost all kids want their family to stay together, and they feel powerless when they can’t make their wish come true. One twelve-year-old whose parents had been separated for a year told her friend, “For my birthday I don’t want any presents. I just want my family to have dinner together again.” A ten-year-old wrote a note to a classmate: “You’re always happy. Is that because your parents aren’t divorced?”

After divorce, a child is often expected to behave more maturely than before, take care of himself, assume some of the absent parent’s responsibilities, or provide emotional support to the parent at home. These are impossible burdens for any child who finds the condition of his family life and the state of his childhood dramatically changed.

Even the most comfortable parts of a child’s life may suddenly become stressful after divorce. Dinner and bedtime may be awkward. Family celebrations may be uncomfortable, and relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins may be strained or even cut off.

If parents are very angry about the divorce, all aspects of a child’s everyday life will be affected. Some parents may coerce their child into taking sides, leaving him feeling guilty, disloyal, and resentful. If he does blame one parent for the breakup, he may idealize the other one, praising him or her in the presence of the “bad” parent.

All these potentially negative experiences, if not dealt with carefully by parents, can cause great emotional harm. A child may develop a poor self-image, distrust, a pessimistic outlook, or depression. He also may have trouble in school or with peers and siblings.

During and following a divorce, parents have to commit themselves to putting their child’s needs first – to consistently giving love and attention and being deeply involved in his life. He needs extra affection and understanding during and after a breakup, and he needs both of his parents to be nurturers and role models.

Parents have to refrain from speaking ill of each other in their child’s presence. The parent who does not live with the child has to have frequent contact, drive carpools, go to his special events, and help with homework. If a parent does not stay involved, the child will feel rejected and unworthy of love.

To help your child through divorce, encourage him to talk. Let him know he can share his worries, anger, and questions. You’ll find out what he’s thinking and you can clear up confusion: “No, we aren’t going to move. We’re staying right here in our house.”

Offer information and answer his questions. He’ll want to know about changes. Will he still go on vacations and visit relatives? Where will the other parent live? What should he tell his friends? Who will he celebrate holidays with? You should raise these issues if he doesn’t bring them up. He’ll feel less worried knowing you and he can talk openly.

Don’t expect too much from him. He won’t be any better at making decisions or being responsible than he was before your divorce. He’s still a child and his needs should come before yours or your ex-spouse’s. If the practical side of parenting seems overwhelming, simplify your life to make more time for your child. Have easy meals, let some housekeeping chores go, cut back on outside commitments.

Encourage him to stay in touch with your ex-spouse’s relatives. Continuing his relationship with grandparents and cousins will help him feel part of an extended family.

Over time your child may begin to understand and accept his situation, although it will be difficult for years, perhaps for the rest of his life. He’ll probably continue to wish there had never been a divorce. As a parent, you have to understand that your divorce will inevitably cause your child hurt and pain. Your attention and consistent understanding are needed to help your child with his emotions.

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“Don’t come in when you pick me up at school.”

“Please don’t be a chaperone.”

“We can’t go to the mall together – my friends might be there.”

Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are easily embarrassed by their parents. They may feel humiliated by anything their parents do in public, such as laugh out loud, cheer at a game, sneeze, wave, or simply stand around. Parents may put up with their child’s embarrassment and even be amused by it for a while. But sometimes they find it annoying to be warned off, criticized, and ignored.

A child this age is self-conscious and uncertain about her own behavior. She can easily extend her self-consciousness to include her behavior parents’ behavior, feeling that what they do reflects on her. If her parents “make a mistake,” she worries that her friends will think less of her. One father, out with his son, said, “Hi Andy,” to a child whose name was really Annie. Annie didn’t mind, but the son was extremely embarrassed: “When you said the wrong name it made me feel dumb.”

Being part of the group is very important to twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. They are becoming increasingly independent of their parents and want to spend more time with their peers. A child wants to act the way her friends do, which is different from the way she acts at home. When her friends and her parents are together, even briefly, she feels embarrassed and awkward. She doesn’t want her parents to see her joke around and relate to her peers, especially those of the opposite sex. And she doesn’t want her friends to see how she behaves with her family. One child was invited to a Bar Mitzvah along with her parents. She told them, “I’m not going to like this. I can’t dance if you’re there looking at me.”

A child cares a great deal about her friends’ opinions, including their opinion of her parents. It’s hard to convince her that her peers are emotionally removed from all parents but their own—she still feels that her parents are the focus of attention. And even if her parents are young in spirit, have a good relationship with her, and are comfortable with her friends, she’ll continue to worry.

You may think your child’s embarrassment is silly. But she’s showing common early adolescent thinking and behavior. You probably can remember similar feelings about your own parents. One mother told her grown daughter, “You used to be just like Erica is. You always wanted me to walk three feet in front of you.” If you and your child discuss the issue honestly, you will probably hear that she likes being with you at home or at activities where parents are usually involved, such as watching a game or eating out. She just doesn’t want to be with you in front of her friends.

You can try modifying some of your behavior to show respect for her feelings. If she doesn’t want you to tell jokes when her friends are present go along with her. However, if her embarrassment is consistently excessive, let her know you will have to be together in public at times. You should continue to talk to her friends when you see them.

Don’t try to lessen her embarrassment by becoming “friends” with her and her peers. Dressing, talking, or behaving like an adolescent is not appropriate. She needs to feel separate from you. Work on building a positive relationship with her by talking, showing an interest, guiding her, and respecting her.

While the majority of children feel embarrassment over minor incidents, some have to deal with seriously embarrassing situations involving irresponsible parents. If your family is experiencing complex problems, your child – and the rest of the family – can benefit from professional help.

In most cases, however, embarrassment is short-lived and nothing to worry about. Once your child gains more independence and experience socializing, her comfort with you will increase.

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“Leave me alone!”

“I want to be by myself.”

As kids get older, their desire for privacy increases. Ten- and eleven-year-olds like occasional time alone, but many twelve- and thirteen-year-olds spend considerable time by themselves. This is a natural consequence of their growing independence; however, some parents find it troubling: “It doesn’t seem right when my daughter goes off to her room. It feels like she’s rejecting the whole family.” Parents remember how their young child used to follow them and how he felt most comfortable and secure when they were close by. They may wonder why he now wants to spend so much time on his own.

Kids often go into their bedrooms and shut the door because they want to relax in a quiet atmosphere. Some read, listen to music, draw, or organize baseball cards. Some enjoy private time in a room playing a video game, watching TV, using a computer, or talking on the telephone. Going off by themselves, kids are able to get away from the stresses and noise of younger siblings and household activities.

Kids also seek privacy to get away from adult demands. After a day spent with teachers and coaches, parents’ questions and expectations can seem overwhelming. And in some families, when a child is in sight, he’s given spontaneous chores: “As long as you’re in the kitchen, please set the table.” “Take Katie out to play.” “Help me straighten the family room.” A child learns that if he goes right to his room he’s less likely to receive added responsibilities.

In some cases, he may isolate himself in an attempt to escape from problems. He may be having trouble making friends or keeping up with schoolwork. He also may be retreating from family conflicts. Time alone can offer a short reprieve from difficulties, but parents should be concerned if he shows signs of depression, such as eating less, sleeping more, losing interest in friends and activities, moping, or appearing sad or angry.

If you’re worried about your child’s excessive desire for privacy, talk to him about your concerns. You may discover that he goes to his room out of habit, and your reminders may be enough to change his behavior. You may learn that he’s upset about school and homework or that he feels pressured by responsibilities or arguments at home. Try to decrease his stress – offer help with assignments, time with a tutor, fewer demands. Provide encouragement and positive attention.

As long as his time alone is not excessive, respect his wish for privacy and, if necessary, help him out. Ask younger siblings to keep their distance for short while. Allow him free time during the day. If your children share a bedroom, have them work out a schedule for time alone, or let each spend periods by himself in another room. If you allow your child adequate privacy, he’ll probably balance that by spending time with family and friends.

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Families always seem to be busy. Parents’ weekdays are filled with work, appointments, car pools, chores, errands, and volunteer projects. Weekends, rather than being relaxing, are times for shopping, driving to children’s activities, laundry, household repairs, and paying bills.

Kids’ schedules are full too. In addition to school, homework, and chores, a ten- to thirteen-year-old may have lessons, classes, sports, or religious school. She may spend time talking on the phone, getting together with her friends, working on hobbies, reading, listening to music, working on the computer, watching TV, or playing video games. Between her activities and her parents’, there’s little time for the family to be together.

Eventually, this lack of closeness can lead to problems. Everyone knows older parents who say, “I wish I’d spent more time with the kids when they were young.” The parent-child relationship is built during childhood and adolescence, and once the time to be together on a daily basis passes – usually by age eighteen – parents can be left with many regrets.

You should make a special effort to be with your child, even if you seem to have little opportunity or energy. By rearranging your schedule or giving up some of the things you now spend time on – socializing, volunteering, working long hours, keeping the house in perfect order – you can make yourself more available.

If your child wants to tell you a story, put down the paper or the mail and give her your undivided attention. When she practices piano, occasionally sit with her and listen. When you’re both in the car, use the time for discussion. Start having breakfast together or stay off the phone or computer in the evenings so you and she can talk.

The initiative has to come from you because she may be too busy or self-absorbed to think about your lack of time together. While it’s natural for her to want to be with friends much of the day, make it clear that family time – whether regularly planned or spontaneous – is important, too. One way around conflicts is to include her friends in some of your family activities.

When you focus on her interests, she’ll welcome your increased attention. You can sit in her room while she talks about her day or you can listen to her music together. You may be surprised to find that you and she like some of the same kinds of songs. Try playing a board game or video game together, making dessert, reading out loud, or sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot chocolate.

Try not to use your limited time together to reprimand her. In some families, the only time parents and children talk is to argue. While it’s important to settle disagreements, the calm and enjoyable hours you spend together are valuable. They help create an atmosphere that makes it easier for her to be cooperative and open.

This is a period of rapid changes for her. One father realized with a shock that in only five years his thirteen-year-old would be off to college: “I don’t have much time left with him.” The everyday events that fill your calendar should not keep you from spending time with your child as she grows and matures. Being together is an important part of strengthening the bond between you.

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Celebrations and rituals are essential – they’re part of the glue that keeps families together. Many holiday rituals, such as trick-or-treating or a visit to Santa, are aimed at young children. Other family traditions involve all the generations: Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July, Kwanzaa, the Passover Seder. In spite of the work involved, parents look forward to these annual celebrations as a time for family togetherness. But as kids reach ten to thirteen years old, they may no longer want to participate in the same ways, if at all. Instead of being excited about an upcoming event, a twelve-year-old may shock and disappoint his parents by asking, “Do I have to go?”

By these ages, some kids reject family traditions because they’re beginning to be self-conscious or don’t see the purpose anymore. A child may feel awkward about dressing up, playing games, and being in the spotlight. He wonders what others think of him: “Do I look stupid in this costume?” He may feel he’s outgrown a celebration: “I’m too old for parades!” Because twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are easily embarrassed, they may not want to be seen with their parents, especially if friends are around: “I don’t want to go to the fireworks with you. I’d rather go with Gwen.”

It’s sad for parents when certain rituals end. Adults who’ve enjoyed decorating Easter eggs and hosting cake-and-ice-cream birthday parties don’t want to give up the close times they’ve had with their child. His reluctance to participate in holidays reminds them of his growing independence and inevitable separation.

Still, people of all ages need family traditions. If your child is beginning to reject your rituals, you can make some accommodations while still reinforcing the importance of celebrating together.

For example, try changing the way you mark a holiday. One mother who always decorated for Halloween didn’t want to give up the tradition when her children became teenagers. Now she decorates only the hallway for trick-or-treaters to see, and her children, though perhaps “too old” for the holiday, like seeing the ritual continued.

Your child may feel better about family celebrations if you modify the circumstances a bit. Let him bring a friend along. Suggest that he take a Walkman or a book to a gathering; however, let him know he should spend most of his time socializing. Occasionally, you might limit the amount of time you spend at family get-togethers. You’ll have fewer struggles if you bend a little.

Create new celebrations to mark the changes in your child’s life. On the last day of school, go out to dinner. Finish the sport’s season with a special lunch. One ten-year-old prompted her family to start an annual Kids’ Day.

There are some holidays you won’t want to change. If certain celebrations are very important, let your child know he has to take part: “We always go to midnight mass on Christmas eve.” “You have to spend Passover with us at Aunt Lil’s.” In busy times these events bring your family together and give it an identity. As your child grows, these annual celebrations will become the traditions he remembers and carries on.

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