Category Ask the Psychologist

Every child feels some jealousy toward her siblings. A younger child resents an older one’s abilities, privileges, and experience. A quiet child resents the attention her more outgoing or accomplished sibling receives. All kids feel at least temporarily jealous or siblings who have higher grades, newer shoes, more praise.

While some jealousy is inevitable, consistent jealousy comes from a child’s belief that she’s being treated unfairly, especially by her parents. Parents’ attitudes and actions shape the relationships between siblings. A child may be right about her treatment, or she may be misreading her situation. But as long as she thinks she’s being slighted, she’ll be jealous.

Kids are very sensitive to their parents’ words: “My dad always says my brother’s real smart.” “They don’t yell at her like they yell at me.” “What’s so great about Ben?” Parents at times give more positive attention to one child. Perhaps they feel that he needs encouragement or is temporarily vulnerable: “You did a terrific job on your math test!” They may feel proud of one child’s accomplishments: “Show Grandma and Grandpa what you learned in ballet.”

Sometimes, without realizing it, parents favor one child. They may believe they’re fair, but in subtle and powerful ways, they give great cause for jealousy: “Becky’s very organized, but Stacey is so messy.” “Matt is so much slower at homework than his brother.” “Thank goodness Katie’s such an easy child.”

When kids feel jealousy, whether justified or not, they may want to talk about it: “You always let her sit up front!” However, many parents get angry or won’t listen: “That’s nonsense!” “You have just as many things as your brother.” If a child gets in trouble for protesting, she’ll stop speaking up. If she believes she’s hurt her parents, she’ll also feel guilty for her negative thoughts about them. Complaining is too risky if it means making parents angry or losing their love. A child who can’t express the truth or who doesn’t fully understand her feelings will direct all her anger toward a safer person – her sibling – thereby reinforcing their rivalry.

Although family relationships are well established by the time a child is ten, there are constructive changes you can make if you want child to lessen sibling rivalry. The most important is to listen, especially if jealousy between your children is significant. Have them explain how they feel about your words and actions. Let them say what disappoints them. You may find this difficult, but when problems are out in the open, change is more likely to happen. If they don’t raise the issue of jealousy but you believe it’s a problem, initiate the discussion yourself.

Let them know that you’ve heard them: “You’re saying that things don’t seem fair in this family.” Listen to their suggestions: “I want you to tell me my work is good.” “You and Dad should come to my games more.” “Don’t always talk about Ian.”

Put limits on their rivalry: “While Mom and I are working on changes, we expect you to work on getting along better.” Tell them you won’t tolerate constant bickering. Sometimes kids struggle with each other because they haven’t been firmly told not to.

Honesty and openness will gradually enhance your children’s relationship. When your jealous child feels heard and sees that changes are being made, she’ll start to feel better about her siblings. During this time of change, you may want assistance from a third party such as a therapist or counselor. Even positive differences can be hard to accept or get used to.

While one of your children may be enjoying the attention you begin to give her, a previously “favored” child may have to adjust to a new situation. That child may have to learn to share your time and attention. Tell her, “We never realized your brother felt left out. We love you as much as always, but we’re trying to be fairer now to both of you.” You may find that your “favored” child is relieved to be out of the spotlight, just as a teacher’s pet may be glad to give up that title. It’s often awkward for a child who receives better treatment than others.

Think about the ways your children’s lives affect each other. As one child succeeds in school, another may need more attention. As one goes off with friends, the other may need support. Don’t expect the same behavior from each of your children. Try to create a balance so that, despite differences in age, interests, personality, and skills, each of your children feels special and important.

Finally, encourage them to be nice to each other. Praise their kind gestures, recognize the times they accept each other, and show them, by your words and actions, the benefits of an improved family relationship.

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“The principal is so strict.”

“Grown-ups think they know everything.”

“My coach doesn’t put me in the game enough.”

“Adults always get in front of kids.”

Many kids complain about adults. They speak disparagingly of them, show them little respect, and shut them out. For some kids, this negative view is an inevitable result of being young and dependent. For others, it’s an adopted attitude, influenced by peers, TV, and movies. But for some, it’s a sign of troubling relationships with the adults around them.

At its simplest level, a negative view of adults comes from a child’s sense of powerlessness. Parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches, and counselors have high expectations and often make harsh-sounding demands: “Clean your room.” “Stop talking during class.” “Get over here.” “Don’t fight with your brother.” “Be on time.” Children, especially sensitive ones, are easily affected by an unkind tone or manner. They feel hurt, angry, or defensive, and react with skepticism and a broad generalization: “Adults are mean.”

Negative attitudes are reinforced by peers and the media. It may be “cool” to look down on adults. Since ten- to thirteen-year-olds are increasingly influenced by their friends, the attitude of one child may he copied by others. Many cartoons, sitcoms, and movies portray adults, especially parents, as bumbling, wrong-headed, or even evil. The more exposure kids have to TV, the more they hear about incompetent, uncaring adults.

Of course, there are some uncaring adults, and the negative attitudes of some kids are justified by the harsh treatment they’ve received. A child who feels threatened by the adults in his life will be angry and frustrated and he may act in a belligerent way. Any child who lives in an atmosphere of mistrust and inflexibility will have a hard time being open and cooperative. Misbehaving may be the only way he has to release his hostility and give back what he receives.

If your child shows a superficial dislike for adults, explain how you feel about his attitude and set limits on his behavior: “I don’t talk to you in a rude way, and I don’t want you to be rude to me.” “I want you to sound more respectful when you speak to your grandmother.” To lessen the impact of negative influences, limit TV time and talk to your child about his friends’ attitudes.

If he has a strong negative feeling toward adults, find out why. The cause may lie in the way he’s treated at home. Ask yourself, “Am I too controlling? Do I offer him choices or let him make decisions? Do I yell too much? Is my tone too angry? Do I compromise or listen enough? Am I a good role model?”

Let him express his feelings. This may be hard for you and for him if he hasn’t had much chance to speak out. Because of pent-up emotions, he may say very negative things about adults in general and you specifically: “You treat Jeffrey better than you treat me.” “You’re never home.” “You always make me do what I don’t want to do.” “You’re never happy with my report card.” “You get too mad.” “You never say I do a good job.” As difficult as it is to listen to such words, it’s important to take your child seriously. If necessary, use a timer so each of you can speak for five or ten uninterrupted minutes.

Once you know the causes of his negative attitude, both you and he will have to make changes. As a first step, give up unrealistic expectations for each other – there are no perfect children or parents. Show that you’re willing to compromise and cooperate. This may include treating him with more respect and changing some of the ways you act. Then set limits, letting him know how you expect him to behave. As he makes changes, offer frequent encouragement: “I’m enjoying our relationship much more now.” “Your attitude seems less negative.” “I appreciate the way you’ve been acting.” With patience and continuing effort, you and he can establish a more trusting and harmonious family life.

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Every parent has problems. There are the relatively minor ones of daily life – hectic schedules, errands, stressful commutes. There are chronic problems – job dissatisfaction, financial worries, and conflicts in the extended family. And there are crises – impending divorce, job loss, serious illness, substance abuse. A difficult issue for all parents is deciding how much to tell their children about these problems.

Many parents want to shelter their child, thinking she has enough pressures of her own from school, peers, sports, and chores. They don’t want to further burden her with parental problems she can’t solve or fully understand. Besides, parents are often embarrassed by their own problems or worried that their child will spread personal information outside the family.

However parents may remember their own early feelings about family problems and secrets. One woman recalls having little information about her parents’ arguments, but feeling worried mid responsible: “They would yell and I would hide my head under the pillow, hoping the noise would go away.” Some adults remember sneaking to overhear conversation and wishing their parents would reassure them: “I was scared when my father got so sick. I thought it was my fault.”

It’s difficult to keep serious problems from kids. When something is wrong, they sense their parents’ uneasy moods. They hear snatches of private phone calls and discussions. One ten-year-old whispered to a family friend who called, “My Mom can’t talk now. Her mother is very sick, but she doesn’t think I know.” Some kids hear angry outbursts: “I wish he’d stop drinking!” Her whole family is crazy!”

During stressful times, they also experience differences in their parents’ behavior, since a parent may be distracted or less patient about common annoyances: “Go do your homework in the other room!” “Turn your music down!” In the face of difficulties, some parents have a hard time controlling their emotions and actions. One mother, dealing with her husband’s job loss, took her frustrations out on her nine- and eleven-year-olds. She found fault with them and sometimes hit them, only to feel guilty about her lack of control: “My problems were so big, I couldn’t even handle a question like, and ‘Who’s taking me to baseball practice?’

The most common and upsetting problem children witness is marital stress. When a child overhears arguments between her parents, she feels frightened, powerless, and worried. If she’s not supposed to know about their conflict because they haven’t told her, she can’t ask questions or talk about her feelings. The problem may seem worse because she doesn’t have information. Like most kids, she may be quick to draw dreadful conclusions, blame herself, and fantasize about solutions. What she wants most is reassurance, but she can’t get it if her parents are secretive.

When deciding how much to tell your child, you have to consider many factors, including your need for privacy, your level of comfort, her emotional makeup, and her desire – or lack of desire – for information. If you’re an open person, you may not want to keep problems to yourself. If you’re private, you may be too uncomfortable to share. If your child is mature and empathetic, it may be fine to talk about some of your difficulties. A mother decided to tell her thirteen-year-old son about her nephew’s drug use. The boy was worried about his cousin but also relieved to know what had been bothering his mother.

However, if your child is not able to handle family problems, respect her wishes. One child, hearing of her parents’ conflicts with relatives, said, “Don’t tell me any more bad stories about Uncle Alex. They keep me from having fun when we go there.” She wanted to believe her family was happy and secure, and she felt overwhelmed by their conflicts.

It can take considerable energy to keep kids from knowing about your personal problems. You will have to hold on to your thoughts and hide your feelings. Yet, at times, the effort may help you put your difficulties in perspective: “I only stopped worrying about our finances when I concentrated on my son and his activities.”

Inevitably, there will be issues you want to or have to share with your child: “I may lose my job.” “I’m worried about Grandma’s health.” Tell her as much as she needs to know – not all the details, but enough to open communication and give her a chance to ask questions. If you are having marital conflicts, let her know about the general problem and make an effort to keep actual arguments private, behind closed doors.

When you tell her about your difficulties, apologize when appropriate for losing your temper or not being available. She may understand, but don’t expect her to feel as you do about your concerns or to offer solutions.

If communication is open without being overwhelming, she will feel included. Just knowing she can talk will lessen her anxiety, keep her from blaming herself for your problems, and make it easier for her to concentrate on school and her other activities. As you go through difficult times, she’ll see you handling hardships. She’ll understand that problems don’t have to be hidden and that it’s all right to ask for help. Even though there are few easy answers, you want her to learn that talking about hard times is helpful and healing. Later, when she needs your advice about her own difficulties, she won’t keep them to herself or worry that you can’t handle them emotionally. She’ll have learned from your example that problems don’t have to be secret.

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Good communication is a basic part of successful family life. Parents and children should talk to each other often about a whole range of subjects – school, friends, news events, hobbies, sports, politics, art, humor, science, music, religion, nature. The more children discuss at home, the more they learn about themselves and their world and prepare for adult life. Home is the best place for wide-ranging discussions, since schools often emphasize silence and order, and young peers have only limited information and perspectives. At home, a child can test out his ideas and start to think critically, analytically, and abstractly.

Discussions come more easily for some families than others. Some parents never think of tossing ideas back and forth with their child. Others feel they don’t have time to sit and talk. Children who aren’t used to regular discussions rarely initiate conversations.

Most parents are greatly influenced by their own early experiences. If they grew up in families that valued talking, they speak often with their own children. One father remembers frequent discussions that turned into loud political debates. Although keeping up with his family was a constant challenge, he believes he learned a great deal from those early talks. Another parent has very different memories. Throughout her childhood she had to listen silently to her parents’ opinions. When she entered college, she froze if asked to speak in class. She’d had little experience sharing her ideas.

If you’d like your family to do more talking, set aside time for discussions. In the car, turn off the radio and start a conversation. Watch a little less TV, wake up twenty minutes early for a family breakfast, take an evening walk together, and chat during dinner or over a late-night snack. If there are enough opportunities, you and your child will start talking.

Show your interest by asking him questions: “What did you think of that movie?” “What’s the best thing that happened today?” “What changes would you make at your school?” “If you were given money to help others, what would you do?” Share anecdotes about your day, describe articles from the newspaper, offer stories about your past or your child’s early years, tell jokes. If he’s not used to discussions, let him do a lot of the talking. This will show you value his ideas and will enhance his self-esteem.

Don’t overwhelm him. In your eagerness to share information or insight, you may speak too long or too forcefully. Like most parents, you want to express your beliefs and shape your child’s views. But if he believes you will lecture him, dismiss his words, or start arguing, he’ll avoid family discussions. He’s most likely to listen and respond if conversations are low-key.

It’s important that you make the effort to talk with him. At times it may be difficult to listen to his opinions or focus on his interests. Still, by talking together, you show the value of sharing ideas. From simple family conversations, he’ll discover how to present himself, how to learn from others, and how to see the world from different viewpoints.

Getting kids to be respectful seems a never-ending struggle. Parents start working on this issue when their child is a preschooler. They continue through the early elementary years and still are giving reminders when she is in middle school. Despite increasing maturity, most ten-to thirteen-year-olds have to be told how to treat siblings, parents, teachers, coaches, and peers. Kids these ages do understand why they should treat people kindly. They can imagine themselves in another person’s place, they know what it’s like to be teased and have hurt feelings, and they think about the impact of their behavior. Yet, for a number of reasons, they can’t consistently translate their understanding into respectful action.

Some children are disrespectful because of the way they’ve been treated at home. If they don’t feel listened to or understood, they may react angrily. Kids also imitate their parents, and if a child’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas have been ridiculed, she will criticize and be inconsiderate of others. One mother told her child to stop being rude, then said, “Just shut up and leave me alone.” Another parent constantly found fault: “Why are you so lazy and disorganized?” Kids copy such words and attitudes.

Unfortunately, school is another place they learn disrespect. Most teachers have rules about acceptable classroom behavior: “Listen when others are talking.” “Don’t make fun of someone else’s mistakes.” However, some teachers are not kind when they talk to students. One thirteen-year-old told his mother, “The teachers are so mean. They tell us to show respect, but they yell at us and put kids down and order around all day.”

Some kids are disrespectful because their parents don’t place sufficient limits on inappropriate behavior. Parents may believe that rudeness at these ages is inevitable and they may excuse their child when she picks on unpopular classmates or calls them names: “Kids are cruel. They attack each other all the time.”

Consciously or unconsciously, parents may encourage their child’s disrespectful behavior. One boy loudly questioned a referee’s call during a Little League game. The boy’s father said, “Good. Somebody had to tell that guy off.” That parental attitude can be seen almost anywhere there’s competition: tennis matches, soccer fields, classrooms, neighborhood games.

Kids who are rude to parents may be quite polite when they’re away from home and talking to teachers, coaches, and their friends’ parents. Like adults, children tend to take their daily frustrations out on the ones they love and are most comfortable with. As long as a child is courteous away from home, her parents can be assured that she’s learned important lessons about getting along.

If you want your child to show more respect, set limits, and give frequent reminders. Let her know in a firm, clear way how she should behave: “I expect you to tell your sister what you feel without calling her names.” “You may not speak to Dad and me so rudely. We’ll listen if you change your tone.” Show her the difference between thoughtless and respectful language: “Instead of calling Sara a pig, say, ‘I’m angry at you for eating the candy. I wanted some.”

When you see your child acting rudely in public, avoid giving an immediate lecture. She won’t listen, but will only defend herself (“It wasn’t my fault!”) or talk back to you (“Leave me alone!”). Instead, give her a quiet suggestion or instruction: “You’re being too harsh.” “You need to be a better sport.” “You shouldn’t pick on a friend.”

Later, when the incident has passed and you and she are calmer, talk about what happened. The discussion may stir up feelings, so handle the subject delicately. First, listen to her defense and thoughts, and then tell her what you’ve observed: “When you ask for something, you sound very demanding.” Let her know how important her tone and choice of words are. Tell her to imagine herself in another person’s position.

Teaching your child to be respectful takes time, patience, and a lot of involvement; you also need to be a good role model. Eventually your words will get through and your child will learn to be respectful on her own.

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    Parents usually have good reasons for offering advice and guidance. From an adult perspective, they can see behavior in context and understand consequences. They give advice in order to help their child.

Yet kids often reject their parents’ lessons. What seems like good advice to an adult may sound like nagging to a child: “You’d get a better grade if your paper were neater.” “Homework before TV.” “Try to get along with your sister.” Many ten- to thirteen-year-olds react negatively to such words, especially if they don’t like the ideas or suggestions presented: “Leave me alone!” “Okay, okay, I hear you!”

What a child reacts to sometimes is the way advice is presented. Anything that sounds like a lecture is rejected: “When I was your age…” “You really should…” “You must stop…” “I know what’s best…” After hearing his child’s karate instructor speak about discipline, one father tried adding his own thoughts on the subject. “Dad, I already heard all this,” his son said.

Most often, kids don’t pay attention because they themselves feel unheard. In the rush to give advice, parents don’t always listen to what their child has to say. Instead, they interrupt him, ignore his words, or dismiss his arguments. Once he believes that they aren’t listening, he stops being receptive when they speak Instead, he shows anger and frustration. He rolls his eyes, looks exasperated, stomps off, or slams his door, shutting out whatever advice they offer.

This, of course, leaves parents feeling upset and confused. Parents want to get their opinions across, but they don’t know how. Many parent’s become harsh and demanding because they fear losing control over their child. They listen less and become more rigid in an attempt to make a point. Everyone is unhappy, and good advice goes unheard.

Communication doesn’t have to be this antagonistic—families can learn to speak and listen in friendlier, more respectful ways. A first step is letting your child express his opinions, even when they differ from yours. If he makes a seemingly unreasonable request, don’t respond with an automatic “No!” Instead, let him explain his side. He’ll feel heard, even if you turn down his request, and the fact that you listened will make it easier for him to pay attention to your ideas and advice.

Consider the words and tone you use when speaking to him. One parent lost his temper when his son asked for ten dollars: “What is it now? All I hear from you is ‘I need money.’ You’ve gotten enough!” Angry words or put-downs can make your child feel too defensive to listen. Instead, he’ll focus on defending himself when he finally has a chance to speak. If you use a patient, friendlier tone (“I know you’d like fifteen dollars for a T-shirt, but your blue shirt is still practically new,”) your child may not come around to your point of view, but at least he’ll feel less threatened. He’ll have an easier time listening to you and he’ll have an example of respectful communication to imitate.

To increase give-and-take in family communication, try asking him questions before offering your opinions: “What do you think you should do about your room?” “Why do you think Joey’s parents let him stay outside so late?” When you disagree on an issue, ask, “Why do you think Dad and I don’t want to say yes?” By this age, he should be able to predict your reasoning.

Take your time when responding to his requests, especially ones that make you angry. A moment spent considering your answer will give you time to calm down and will give your child a chance to rethink what he’s said. If you want to bring up a troublesome issue, try to choose a calm time and then take a few minutes to plan your advice or instructions: “We need to talk about how your short temper is affecting the rest of the family.” He will listen more readily to your reasonable statements than to a sudden outburst.

On some important or immediate issues, you will want him to listen to you without discussion: “It’s not safe to play around that way.” “You must change your tone of voice.” As long as he doesn’t always feel backed into a corner, unable to have his opinions heard, he’ll listen and respond when your words are urgent.

You may worry that you’ll lose parental control if you allow him to express his thoughts. However, letting him speak won’t interfere with your ability to set limits. Instead, it will create an atmosphere of mutual respect, making it easier for him to listen to you.

Throughout his life, your child will encounter people with different points of view and different ideas. The positive communication skills you model for him now will help him get along with his family and others in the future.

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