Category Ask the Psychologist

      A child’s summer doesn’t have to be filled with camp and organized activities. Some parents decide not to send their children to camp at all, opting instead for a relaxed, unstructured few months. This works best for parents who can tolerate a loose schedule and follow their child’s lead, and who don’t mind a day without plans. Parents who prefer more structure or who can’t let their child stay home because of work schedules can still set aside some free summer time for the family to take it easy together.

     For a child, “taking it easy” can mean finding enjoyable things to do at home or in the neighborhood. Kids can play in backyard pools and sprinklers, plant a garden, fly kites, play with sand, play hopscotch, draw a chalk design on the sidewalk, play tennis and baseball, skate, have a yard sale, play board games, build a fort, go to playgrounds, ride a bike, sell lemonade, learn to knit or draw, read, or write a story. Kids can play with friends, by themselves, or with the family. They can continue many of the recreational classes and lessons they took during the school year.

     Summer is an important time for families. Schedules are often less hectic and there are more opportunities to be together. Even if both parents work, longer daylight hours leave evenings open for such activities as soccer, badminton, swimming, hide and seek acting, hiking, baking, and reading together. If parents have errands, they can take their child along and include time for an ice cream stop. If they have to work over the weekend, they can take him with them and let him work at something too.

     If you decide not to send your child to camp, try to strike a balance between freedom and structure. Whatever he does, he’ll still need supervision. A six- to nine-year-old lacks the judgment to play without being frequently checked on by an adult. On the other hand, free time should remain relatively open. Don’t fill all his hours with prearranged activities or pressure him to accomplish many goals. Leave him time to explore and play on his own.

     While he is home, his friends may be off at camp; this won’t be a problem if he can occupy himself. But if he gets bored or lonely, you should help him find activities to get involved in. You may decide to compromise and send him to camp for part of the summer, letting him have the rest of the summer free.

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“Are we almost there?”

“How long, ‘til we get there?”

“I’m tired of riding!”

      Traveling by car with children can be a challenge. They get bored and restless when confined to a small space for hours, and siblings forced to sit with each other often end up arguing and whining. It takes advance planning and patience if parents want travel too relatively smoothly.

      Before the trip, tell your child some of the travel details, including where you’ll be driving, when you’ll be stopping each day, and how long the trip will take. Talk about points of interest along the way, perhaps consulting guide books for information about an area’s history and special sites. Also talk to her about behaving in the car. Let her know ahead of time how you want her to act.

      Try to make the drive as physically comfortable as possible. Have her bring a pillow and blanket, and be sure she’s wearing comfortable clothes. Have her wear shoes she can take off during the ride and quickly get into for short stops.

      As much as possible, time your travels to coincide with your child’s schedule. Early morning and late evening are usually calm times for six- to nine-year-olds, and she may sleep if your drive includes those hours. Plan plenty of stops for snacks or exercise. Look for rest stops with playgrounds or safe areas for jogging or jumping jacks. A ten-minute break can help her feel less restless. Changing seats periodically may help, too. Let her have a turn in the front seat where she’ll have a good view as you drive.

      Listen to the radio, a tape, or CD together, or let her bring a Walkman with headphones. Sing together or play car games such as Twenty Questions, I Spy, or Road Bingo. If you’re able to read while riding, pick a story to read aloud to the family. You can buy or rent audio recorded stories or poems or bring a tape recorder so she can make her own cassette.

      Pack several small bags for her to have in the car-one with food, one with things to do. The food bag can contain drinks and a variety of snacks that can be easily handled. The “fun” bag can include a deck of cards, paper, pens, stickers, a book, a magazine, a comic book, pipe cleaners, a small jewelry making kit, a pocket video game, or a simple map you’ve drawn showing where you’re going and what’s interesting along the way. Also encourage her to bring her own bag of amusements from home.

      Periodically during the trip you may want to give her small surprises geared to her interests. One child spent an hour making bracelets out of colored string and beads. Another worked on a book of mazes.

      Any new toy, game, or interesting object will hold your child’s attention for a while, but if the trip is long, you’ll eventually hear, “Are we almost there?” (Be prepared to answer that several times.) But at least with patience and planning, you can avoid major conflicts and keep her reasonably content for most of your drive.

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     Most kids view summer as a welcome reprieve from the classroom and aren’t anxious to work on academic subjects at home. This causes many parents to worry that their child will lose ground over the summer. They believe that after two and one-half to three months without math, reading, and spelling, he’ll forget a great deal and may fall behind.

     Some parents decide to enroll their child in summer school, either for remedial work or enrichment. Most school systems offer a summer program, usually aimed at students with academic difficulties. Some parents hire a tutor to maintain or enhance their child’s academic skills. However, most families don’t pursue such structured learning during the summer.

     Instead, they design their own plans (or plans suggested by their child’s teacher) to keep the summer months from being all play and no work. Parents may have him read for a certain period each day, or she may set goals for the summer such as learning multiplication tables, studying vocabulary words, researching a topic, or working through a book of science experiments.

     The most important thing you can do to help your child maintain his skills is encourage him to read. You can get reading lists from the school, libraries, on-line sites, and books about literacy. Encourage your child to join the local library summer reading club. Let him choose materials that interest him—novels, biographies, sports stories, magazines. If he has a hobby, urge him to read about his subject and study it in-depth.

     You should also encourage him to write. He may like keeping a journal or computer file of his daily activities, thoughts, and feelings. He can write stories and poems or a play that he and his friends or siblings can act out. He can also write letters and emails to friends, relatives, or a pen pal.

     You can set aside time to read out loud to him or to work on specific areas with which he needs help. But keep the lessons short and light and consider offering occasional rewards to keep him going. If he does math or spelling periodically, he may accomplish quite a bit before school begins. Academic learning can certainly continue during the summer, but you should present it in a relaxed way, remembering that your child sees summer primarily as a time for fun.

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Going to sleepover camp for the first time is an important event in a child’s life. It’s often the first long separation for parents and child and it signals an increasing independence. Parents of early elementary-aged children wonder when and if their child should take this big step.

     Many factors determine her readiness to be away from home for an extended period. Age is a major consideration. A six-year-old is too young for even a one-week program, but some seven- and eight- years olds and many nine-year-olds can handle being away for one to four weeks. Sometimes the maturity of a child, rather than her age, will determine how successful her camp experience will be.

     A child who wants to go to overnight camp will have an easier time than one whose parents have convinced her to go. Some kids, especially those with older siblings, are anxious to start sleepover camp. They may have felt a great sense of loss seeing a brother or sister go off: “My life will be ruined when Marissa goes away!” “It’s not fair, Mom. You let Stephen go away to camp. I want to go too!” A young child who’s heard camp stories from siblings, friends, parents, and other relatives may have exciting visions of overnight camp: “Molly says you have so much fun, you forget you have parents.”

     A young child who’s not interested in overnight camp shouldn’t be sent. If parents, anxious for time alone, push her into a program before she’s ready, they may pay for the mistake later. She may be angry and resentful or feel insecure about leaving home before she’s comfortable doing so. One eight-year-old told her friend, “You cry a lot at camp because you miss your parents.”

     If a child does want to go to overnight camp, how can her parents tell if she’s ready? They should ask themselves these questions: Does she enjoy overnights with friends or relatives? Is she asking to go to camp? Does she like lots of activity? Does she make friends easily? Can they imagine her recovering quickly from the inevitable homesickness she’ll feel at camp? How does she deal with small hurts and frustrations? Can she handle a lack of family contact for one to four weeks? Many camps have done away with visiting days and allow no personal phone calls.

     Parents should ask if their child has any real idea of the time involved. She may want to go away for two weeks without realizing how long that is, since most six- to nine-year-olds have a changing view of time. A birthday four months away is coming “soon.” A TV show that she’s anxious to see the next week may not be on for a “long time.”

     Once parents have decided she’s ready for camp, their decisions about the summer will hinge on finding a camp that meets their needs. They should seek recommendations from other families and send away for information. Some camps offer videos for home viewing. Some set up slide shows for prospective campers or put families in touch with former campers.

     If parents think ahead, they can visit a camp the summer before sending their child. Both parents and child may be surprised at what they see. One young girl was dismayed to find that campers sleep on cots in a bunkhouse rather than in beds in bedrooms. She lost her interest. Another child was delighted with the craft and drama projects she saw: “I love it. This is the camp I’m going to.”

     Parents should gather as much information about a prospective camp as they can. What is the counselor/child ratio? What is the camp director like? How many kids attend the camp? What activities are offered? How structured and full is the day? Does each camper pick a specialty? Are there field trips and special events? How is discipline handled? Are doctors and nurse on duty at all times? Can a child receive allergy shots? How are dietary restrictions accommodated? What strategies are used when campers get homesick?

     As you make your decision, don’t be swayed by pressure from others. Some parents may try to convince you to send your child: “What are you waiting for? Don’t be so overprotective.” Others may try to persuade you to keep her home. Do what seems best for your family. Many kids never go to overnight camp, and many who do, wait until they’re ten, twelve, or even fourteen years old. The right time to send your child is when she wants to go and is mature enough to have a good time.

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Parents have a lot to consider before selecting a day camp for their child—cost, location, hours, transportation, the program’s activities, the quality of the program, their child’s interests, his friends, and the availability of after-camp day care. Since some camps fill up rapidly, parents may have to make camp decisions long before they feel ready to think about summer.

      Urban and suburban areas offer many choices. There are private day camps run for profit and ones run by non-profit organizations such as the YMCA. There are municipal camps. Many private schools have summer camp programs and some public schools are leased during the summer by private or public camps.

      If parents want to keep costs down, they’ll find that municipal camps are the least expensive. If transportation is a problem, they should look for camps close to home or work, or ones offering bus transportation. If parents need after-camp day care for their child, they should inquire about extended day programs.

      After considering the practical side of summer arrangements, parents will still be faced with choices. Since there are general as well as specialized day camps, you should carefully consider your child’s hobbies, interests, and personality. Would he enjoy a sports camp? arts or music camp? computer camp? Would he prefer an indoor camp? Would he be happier in a camp offering a mix of activities? Will he be unhappy without a friend along?

      Some kids are reluctant to go to camp without knowing someone, since the two- to eight-week sessions may not be enough time to form friendships. Parents sometimes make decisions based only on where their child’s friends are going. Also, some parents send all of their own children to the same camp regardless of the children’s interests, because they want the siblings to be together.

As you look for camps, ask other parents for suggestions, write for information, and check with local government recreation departments for recommendations.

      If your child’s school is the site of a summer camp, he may be anxious to go there because it’s familiar. This may be a good idea, but he may be upset if he’s expecting the summer to be like the school year. He may be troubled, especially if he’s only six years old, to see different furniture in the classrooms, different adults in charge, and different kids. If you enroll him in a local school camp, prepare him for the changes he’ll see.

      If he has special health needs, look for camp that will make the summer pleasant and successful. For instance, one child with asthma triggered by allergens did best in an air-conditioned environment. He attended an indoor camp offering arts and crafts, sports, and computer instruction.

      Your child may tell you he doesn’t want to go to camp although he will still need to be busy and productive. A summer at home may he fine if your schedule can accommodate it. However, you may be put in a bind if you work or if you feel he should be enrolled in an organized program for the summer. One solution is to look for a camp with reduced hours. You also can find out why he’s reluctant to go to camp. If he doesn’t want to take swimming lessons, is uncomfortable changing his clothes in a locker room, doesn’t want to take part in some of the activities, is generally hesitant about new situations, or has another problem, talk to him about his feelings and offer ideas and reassurance. If necessary, seek suggestions from camp counselors or directors. You should be able to find a flexible program that will accommodate his needs.

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The most common musical instrument for six- to nine-year-olds to play is the piano. Sometimes children eagerly ask to begin lessons. More often, parents arrange lessons because they want to introduce their child to music. It makes sense for her to start piano lessons at these ages. Young children often catch on easily, quickly learning to read music and play.

However, many kids grow tired of piano lessons because of practice, written work, or an unsympathetic teacher. A child who’s still getting used to homework will balk at having to practice piano each day. She also won’t want to do written theory work. And if her teacher is demanding, the child will dread lessons and ask to quit.

This leads to a dilemma. Parents don’t want endless struggles over lessons, but they also don’t want their child to give up. Many parents took lessons as children, quit after a few years, and regret not having continued their musical education. They don’t want their child to repeat that mistake.

In most cases, a child is too young to make the decision to quit. Parents should decide for her, and only after they’ve done everything they can to make lessons succeed.

First, parents should choose a teacher wisely and look for a new teacher if the current one is not effective. They should consider the personality, philosophy, and expectations of a teacher. The teacher should enjoy working with children and display patience with them at various skill and interest levels. Tolerance is important because skills and interests constantly change as kids grow and develop.

Most parent-child battles about piano lessons are about practicing. Many children who enjoy the weekly lesson dislike playing alone each day. If parents find that forcing or pressuring their child to practice is causing her to hate playing, they should reevaluate the need for daily practice.

She can slowly learn to play the piano just by playing half an hour per week during her lesson. Rather than have her quit lessons, some parents decide to let their child cut back or give up practicing altogether for a while. Once the pressure to practice is off, many kids begin to enjoy the piano again.  They may later resume practicing on their own or according to a modified schedule put together by parents or the teacher. If a teacher isn’t willing to work with a student who practices sporadically or not at all, parents should look for a new, more flexible instructor.

Some parents deal with the problem of practicing by getting more involved. They sit with their child as she plays, praising and encouraging her or just listening. Many children practice willingly when their parents take an interest. Parents also can stress the importance and joy of music, making it part of their everyday life. They can play an instrument (if they have the skill) or sing, and they can listen to recorded music or attend concerts with their child.

Most kids enjoy lessons and practice more if they have some say in selecting the music. It’s more fun for a child to play an occasional piece that’s familiar than to play straight through a beginning piano book. Parents, teacher, and child can talk together about pieces she might enjoy. In addition, parents can take her to a music store and let her select some easy sheet music.

Finally, they can try a system of rewards to motivate her to practice. The promise of a treat at the end of the week or month can keep her playing until the natural enjoyment of music takes over.

If your child is complaining, resist the temptation to give in and let her quit immediately. Once she stops piano, she will most likely never begin again. You may find it’s better in the long run to ease up on all pressure than to let her stop completely. Even if she’s only playing for her weekly lesson, if you’re patient, she may discover the pleasures of making music. It’s better for her to learn slowly, without stress, than to quit altogether.

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