Category Ask the Psychologist

Parents are usually pleased when their child begins an organized sport. Not only is there the excitement of games, meets, and exhibitions, but there’s the knowledge that sports provide many benefits. Kids who participate can learn valuable lessons about skills, perseverance, self-discipline, meeting challenges, responsibility, sportsmanship, teamwork, winning and losing, and doing their best.

A child chooses a sport based on his interests and his desire to participate with friends. Parents usually help make the selection, occasionally vetoing a sport. One father wanted his son to play pee-wee football and excitedly took him to the first practice. However, the other kids were much larger than the boy, and the father quickly changed his mind.

As parents help their child pick a sport, they should keep his abilities, interests, maturity, and age in mind. Some six- and seven-year-olds are not ready for organized sports. Parents should consider practical issues. A sport requiring a great deal of practice may not leave enough time for homework, play, and relaxation. Above all, parents should help him pick a sport he’ll enjoy and feel good about, since a successful experience with organized sports can enhance his self-image. As his skills improve and he learns to get along with teammates and coaches, he’ll feel proud of his abilities. This, in turn, will reinforce his desire to keep playing and getting better.

Of course, some children are more serious about sports than others. While one child may view baseball as just activity, another child may be intensely interested. He might practice on his own, have his gear ready, and keep careful track of his game schedule.

A vital part of a successful sports experience for any child is parental involvement. Kids like their parents to come to games and exhibitions. When parents offer support—cheering the team on, watching occasional practices, practicing with their child, talking about games—a child is likely to maintain a high level of interest.

Another important aspect of organized sports is a child’s relationship with his coach. Coaches are generally friendly, inspiring, and fair. An effective one will bring out the best in his players or students while setting a tone of good sportsmanship and respect. Some coaches may mean well but lack the interpersonal or athletic skills to do a good job. Then there are coaches so focused on winning that they bully their players and offer a poor role model. Parents should discuss any concerns with a coach, offering suggestions if necessary: “I have a sensitive child who’s afraid you’ll yell at her if she misses the ball.” “Would you let my child compete in the backstroke? He’d really like to give it a try.”

Kids playing organized sports can face considerable pressure, not just from aggressive coaches. Some parents are overpowering, forcing their child to play a particular sport or speaking critically of his abilities. At many games, they can be heard shouting harsh comments from the sidelines: “Next time kick the ball harder!” “What’s wrong with you? You shouldn’t have missed that.”

Of course, it can be difficult for parents to watch their child compete. If he doesn’t do well, they may feel embarrassed: “Why can’t he play better?” “I wish she’d remember her moves.” They may feel unhappy if he seems nervous, distracted, or tired. It’s common for young children to forget the rules, yell, miss the ball, throw things in frustration, and cry.

Before criticizing, parents should consider the frustrations their child may feel. He has to abide by rules that sometimes seem arbitrary or unfair, and he has to get along with children who are more or less skilled than he. He may be disappointed if he’s not a starter or doesn’t play the whole game, and at times he has to accept losing. A child involved in sports needs parental support and guidelines.

At some point, if your child is particularly good at a sport, he may be encouraged to compete at a more advanced level. Various sports have select or tournament teams or classes for children with outstanding athletic ability. Such groups offer new challenges and a chance to demonstrate and improve skills in a highly competitive atmosphere. While you and he may be very pleased with his acceptance into an elite group, you may be unsure about pursuing the opportunity.

Ask yourself these questions: Does he want to participate? Can he accept the pressure he’s likely to feel from coaches and teammates? Can he handle the competition? Does he have time for added practice? Are you able to do the necessary driving? pay the additional fees? give the time required?

If he does join a select team, you may see a difference in his attitude. His emphasis may shift from having fun with a sport to perfecting his skills, getting better, and winning. Select coaches are often inflexible about their standards and demands, and your child may have some trouble adjusting at first. He may complain about his coach: “Just because I didn’t do a perfect handstand, he made me start over.” “I missed a couple of shots in practice and now I can’t do the corner kicks in the game.” Stay in touch with the coach so you can evaluate and discuss your child’s concerns.

Whether your child is involved with a highly competitive team or a regular one, at some point he may want to quit. Don’t let him make an impulsive decision—many children never go back to a sport once they’ve quit. Talk to him about the pressures and his feelings. If he’s upset over one incident, speak with his coach and try to resolve the situation.

In most cases, have your child finish out the season, especially if his teammates are counting on him. However, if pressures of his sport seem to have a consistently negative effect on his family life or schoolwork, allow him to stop a team sport mid-season or mid-class. Even then, present his quitting as taking a break from sports rather than ending his involvement altogether. Your child might welcome the suggestion that next season; you and he can look for another team so he can try again.

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The art projects kids do in school are not particularly creative. Some teachers distribute pre-cut figures to be decorated, or tell the whole class to make identical orange pumpkins or Mayflower ships. Students are given coloring book-type sheets and told to color them in neatly. Such work leaves little room for expression and creativity. If parents want their child to have fun doing original artwork, they usually have to encourage it at home.

They can begin by providing a variety of appealing art materials: clay, sculpting compounds, candle wax and beeswax, an assortment of pens, pencils, paints and markers, good quality paper, glue, scissors, popsicle sticks, small pieces of fabric and felt, wood chips, buttons, or glitter. These materials can be found at variety stores, hobby and art supply shops, and office supply stores.

If a child already has a preference for one medium, parents can provide appropriate materials. A child who enjoys painting can be offered a table easel and paints of different sorts, including watercolors, acrylics, oil, and tempera. Parents can try giving different sized brushes, paper, and canvas. The materials they buy should allow open-ended artwork. Coloring books, paint by number pictures, and pre-cut projects limits a child’s creativity. Parents who want to encourage their child’s free expression should avoid them.

A child will be tempted to try new art materials if they’re stored in an accessible place or set out in an appealing way. Parents can leave markers and paper on the kitchen table where she will see them and be tempted to start drawing. They can reserve an accessible shelf, box, or drawer for art materials. They can set aside space in the basement or elsewhere for large art projects and materials such as easels. She will feel she has a special place for her big cardboard sculptures and creations made out of straws, paper mache, or clay.

One of the best places for working on smaller projects is the kitchen, since it’s often the center of the home. While a child works, her parents can be nearby, ready to look at a new project or listen to her talk about her creation.

Some parents hesitate to encourage artwork at home because they fear a mess. However, table surfaces can be protected easily with newspaper or vinyl covers. A child can wear old clothes when she works, or cover her clothes with a smock. Also, parents can avoid presenting messy supplies such as paste and glue, instead offering an interesting selection of colored pencils, pens, and markers.

Parents shouldn’t make clean-up a major issue. A child may avoid artwork altogether if she knows she has to do a big clean-up when she’s done. Parents who aren’t willing to help their child with the job should provide materials that are easy to put away.

When your child is finished with an art project, compliment her work and avoid passing negative judgments. Since children’s art is often assigned and judged in school, let her work at home be enjoyable and free from criticism. She will be upset and discouraged to hear you say, “Straighter lines,” “Less paint,” “More trees.” Even if she asks for your advice, be gentle: “Do you want to add some flowers to the garden?” or, “Can you think of a way to add more color?”

Comment positively on her use of shape, design, and color. If you’re sure of the subject of a drawing, say, “What a beautiful bird,’ or, “That looks like a very fast car.” If you’re not sure, simply say, “Very nice, you spent a lot of time on that.” You also can ask her to tell you about the project: “Where did you get your idea?” “How did you swirl the colors together?” “Do you want to describe this picture for me?”

She may be very concerned about the success of her artwork. If a project doesn’t turn out as she’d planned, she may feel frustrated and disappointed. Try to encourage her and suggest ways her “mess up” can be turned into something else.

Sometimes a younger sibling will give up on art if she decides her older brother or sister is better than she. Don’t let this happen. Continue to provide materials, praise your child’s attempts, and don’t compare her to her siblings. Since most kids enjoy the sense of accomplishment finished artwork can bring, she will most likely continue creating as long as you provide materials and let her know you appreciate her work.

Finally, encourage her to do as much artwork as she likes. The more she draws, paints, and sculpts, the better she’ll become and the better she’ll feel about her creations.

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Kids enjoy watching TV, playing video and computer games, and going on the Internet. Parents often are ambivalent and worried about these occupations. They want their child to be happy, they welcome the peace that comes when he’s occupied, and yet they consider many of his programs, games, and websites a waste of time or even dangerous. How can they balance their feelings and their child’s desires?

They can begin by considering the appeal of TV, games, and the computer. Children relax in front of TV, just as many adults do. Appropriate programs are entertaining or at least diverting. Even commercials are interesting to a child. The toys look inviting, although six- to nine-year-olds may no longer be convinced by a sales pitch: “That truck doesn’t really climb mountains.”

Video and computer games are popular for a number of reasons. They’re exciting, challenging, and action-filled. A child works on the skills that help him win, such as visual-motor and small muscle coordination. Games offer immediate feedback in the form of points and new action, and a child always has the option to start over if he loses or doesn’t like the way a game’s going.

Game-playing is also appealing because it leads to social contacts. Children share games, and playing tips, developing an information network that excludes adults. Six- to nine-year-olds enjoy playing video and computer games together, taking turns, watching and encouraging each other.

When a child plays these games, he feels powerful. He’s controlling characters that fight and capture each other, win sports contests, or go on mysterious quests. It’s easy to see how attractive this is to a child who spends most of his day being controlled by others. In the classroom the teacher tells him when he can talk, how long he has to eat lunch, when to go outside, and what to do. At home, parents are in charge. But while playing a video or computer game, a child has power over a made-up world.

The appeal of the computer is obvious to adults. Kids, especially eight- and nine-year-olds, can visit interesting sites, do research and homework, enter chat rooms, send emails and instant messages, use word processing and arts software, do puzzles, and otherwise be exposed to new and intriguing things.

But there are problems with TV, video games, and computers. Their content is often violent, sexual, or otherwise inappropriate for elementary-aged children. Parents have to put strong limits on the kinds of shows, video games, and computer sites their child is exposed to. Parental controls, ratings, reviews, and mechanical devices can help parents protect their child from questionable material. And while parents can’t necessarily control what he watches at friends’ houses, they can discuss their wishes with other parents.

Even without content problems, video and computer games can be very frustrating for children these ages. A child may work on a game for hours or days, only to lose and have to start all over. Parents sometimes hear screams of anger from a child who can’t take the pressure or frustration. When he has trouble dealing with this aspect of game-playing, he may take his feelings out on whoever’s closest: “Get out of my room!” “Leave me alone!” When kids are upset about their games they don’t often get sympathy from their parents: “If you’re this upset, why do you play?”

Watching TV has its own negative effects. Children may be confused and upset because they’re not always sure what’s real or made up, and they accept as fact much of what they hear about disasters, sickness, violence, drug abuse, war, and crime, as well as what they see about relationships and how people treat each other. The evening news can frighten a child.

After a disturbing program or misleading show, a child needs explanations, reassurance, and answers to his questions. Unfortunately, parents are often not watching with him and may not be available to help. Even when they are there, he may still may be exposed to disturbing or uncomfortable sights that remain with him. One child worried continuously after seeing news clips of an earthquake. An eight-year-old saw passionate kissing on TV and said, “Is that their real lips touching? Oooh. That’s so gross.” And certainly all children and their parents are upset after seeing clips of terrorists, school violence, and shootings.

There’s another problem related to this issue: children who spend too much time watching TV, playing video games, and being on the computer have less time for reading, playing outside, sports, crafts, homework, socializing, and being with the family. Some kids spend time watching and playing video games because they can’t think of anything else to do. In such cases, parents should offer alternatives such as a parent-child board game, time with a friend, reading aloud, or going to a playground. Also, they should consider enrolling him in organized activities, lessons, or sports.

Parents take many different approaches to controlling TV, time spent on the computer, and video games. Some forbid their use on weekdays, some allow them after homework is done, and some set a precise time limit: “You can have the TV on for an hour a day.” “I’ll only let you play video games for half an hour when you come home from school.”

Some parents set no limits, instead using TV, video games, and the computer to occupy their child. As long as he’s quiet and out of the way, they don’t regulate this time at all. While all parents occasionally resort to these activities to keep kids busy, it’s harmful to give children total control over how they occupy their time.

When deciding how best to manage your child’s watching and playing, evaluate the impact TV and the computer are having on him. Is he falling behind in his schoolwork? Is he getting his homework done? Does he play outside? read? get involved with hobbies, crafts, and extracurricular activities? Is he tense or preoccupied with thoughts about TV programs? Is he playing too aggressively? Does he focus too much on playing and winning video games? Are his fears increasing?

You can limit your child’s viewing and playing time without setting up a strict, schedule. Take a flexible approach, letting him spend more time on video games when friends are over since he’s socializing as he plays. Allow longer playing time when he has a new game or is almost finished solving an old one. Extend TV viewing hours during weekends and holidays or when a special show is on. Cut back when you want him involved in other activities. If he has trouble tearing himself away, give him fair warning: “You have fifteen more minutes on the Internet, and then you’ll have to find something else to do.”

Factors such as the weather and sickness will help determine how much viewing, computer time, and game playing you’ll allow. Your goal is to strike a balance between his wish to spend time on games and shows (ones you’ve OK’d), and your desire to see him use his time more productively.

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Kids are natural collectors. They collect action figures, dolls, baseball cards, seashells, stamps, coins, comic books, stickers, model horses, fossils, rocks, and anything else that captures their interest. They trade collectibles with friends, learn the value of favorite items, and work displays. While some children are causal collectors, others are intensely involved. One boy who collected baseball cards spent hours each week organizing his collection and studying the players’ game statistics.

Children become interested in collectibles in a number of ways. A teacher might spark involvement with lessons on dinosaurs or national flags. A child’s friend might talk him into becoming a co-collector so the two can trade items. A book, a TV show, a trip to an exciting place, or a gift can start a child’s hobby.

Some kids collect because their parents or siblings do or used to. When a child sees how excited his parents are about a special piece of pottery or a political button, he may be inspired to state his own collection. Even parents who don’t collect now can inspire their child with stories of their old childhood collections: the pleasure of trading stickers with friends, working on a train layout, or gathering action figures or Legos. Most parents now regret having thrown out those collections.

If your child is starting a collection, there are lots of ways to help and encourage him. The most important is to take an interest. Ask him to tell about parts of his collection and listen to his stories about special finds. You may be astounded by how much he knows.

You can help him find books, articles, shops, or exhibitions that specialize in his hobby. One girl bought rocks and gems inexpensively at collector’s shows and museum stores. A mother and child searched flea markets and garage sales together, looking for old magic tricks.

You can find or buy your child pieces for his collection, or tell inquiring relatives which items he would enjoy receiving. You also can help him store and display his items. Depending on his hobby, he could use scrap books, picture frames, a bulletin board, cases, or shelves. He might decide to make his own custom display. One child hung his key chain collection on a heavy piece of cardboard cut in the shape of a key. Other kids arrange their animal or doll collections in scenes using homemade props. Whether your child makes an elaborate display or just piles his collection up, he’ll enjoy showing it off and sharing it with others.

He’s likely to eventually losing interest in his hobby as he enters the teenage years, but don’t get rid of his old treasures. Keep them as souvenirs or as items to pass on to a younger sibling, or simply for your child to enjoy again once he’s grown.

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“Look! I’m going to jump off the diving board.”

“Dad, watch me ride my bike.”

“Mom, see how I fix my hair.”

“Watch, I’m going to do a cartwheel.”

Children constantly ask their parents to pay attention. Even in the car, a child will ask a parent who’s driving to look at a picture in his notebook or watch him make faces in the mirror. He doesn’t think about what his parents are doing, only about his immediate desire to be watched. Sometimes these calls for attention are delightful. Sometimes they’re annoying.

A child does a lot of things he considers exciting, and he wants to share them with his parents. As he perfects a skill or does something new, he wants to be acknowledged and praised. Kids thrive on attention and positive feedback from parents. They want to hear, “Terrific,” “Great job,” “Nice throw,” “Good try.” Since parents don’t always pay attention spontaneously, children say, “Watch me!” again and again.

Parents often underestimate the importance of watching. Those who do pay attention, especially without being asked, send a strong message of acceptance and love. A child who believes he’s interesting and important enough to capture his parents’ attention will develop a healthy self-image. A child who has trouble attracting their attention will feel that what he does isn’t valuable enough.

Parents can learn a great deal about their child’s interests and abilities by watching him participate in activities. However, they should be careful about offering unasked for advice. A child who says, “Watch me,” wants approval, not coaching. One boy who used to say, “Watch me play baseball!” gradually lost interest because of his father’s constant instructions: “Hold your glove like this. Lift your arm higher when you throw. Let me show you how to hit the ball.” The boy’s enjoyment faded because—whatever his father’s real intentions—the boy heard only criticism.

You may find that you are, as most adults, engrossed in your own activities. There are phone calls to make, bills to pay, laundry to do, repairs to make. When you’re occupied, you may not want to take time and watch your child perform some seemingly trivial activity. Yet, childhood years go by quickly and children’s requests are reasonable and increasingly infrequent. A few minutes of acknowledgment and interest (solicited or unsolicited) can enhance his view of himself and give you something to think about and remember. Once it’s too late, many parents wish they’d spent more time “watching” when their children were young.

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      Parents of a preschooler know that games are not always fun. A young child often insists on playing by her own rules and gets upset if she loses. However, by the time children turn six, most begin to genuinely enjoy games. Young school-aged children have better control over their feelings and may no longer focus entirely on the need to win. They’re starting to understand other people’s points of view.

      Six- to nine-year-olds enjoy all kinds of games. They like organized sports and spontaneous games of tennis, badminton, volleyball, and basketball. They’re interested in board games, card games, and strategy games like chess, checkers, and Chinese checkers. Table games and videogames are popular, and so are traditional outdoor games of hopscotch, red light-green light, and four square.

      Kids enjoy the planning and maneuvering involved in games of skill and strategy. Once past the pre-school years, a child can think carefully about her moves. She can anticipate other players’ actions and prepare for a possible loss or a quick recovery. She may also like keeping score and evaluating her progress: “I can jump rope fifty times without missing.”

      Game-playing is essentially a social activity. Children who’ve learned to cooperate with each other have fun with games. Others have trouble playing by the group’s accepted rules. Six- to nine-year-olds keep a close eye on each other, watching for cheaters: “Hey, you already had your turn!” Children often spontaneously change the rules of their games: “From now on let’s say you can bounce the ball twice.” But if all participants don’t agree to the changes, there will be arguments.

      Some kids are intent on winning. For them, game-playing can be a source of conflict: “That’s not fair. You can’t take my man!” Games, of course, are competitive. While many children easily accept the fact that there are winners and losers, others become “sore losers” who end each unsuccessful game feeling angry.

      Children who need to win may feel general pressure from a number of sources – school, siblings, and parents who may themselves hate losing: “Dad will be in a bad mood all day if he loses his golf game.”

      As your child gets older, she’ll be better able to handle the competition in games, although she may retain her strong desire to win. Be patient, encourage her to have fun playing, and continue to stress good sportsmanship. And consider the positive side of “not wanting to lose.” Your child may be a determined, disciplined, well-behaved hard worker who strives to do well in many areas, including school.

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