Category Ask the Psychologist

I’m just friends with a guy; I talk to him on the phone and he is really nice. We have never ever thought of a relationship. My mom caught me talking to him a few times. Now my parents say that they have lost their trust in me. They won’t let me have a phone, and even if I tell the truth they say it’s a lie. Often they try to spy on me. If any guy looks at me they ask me who he is, etc. Please help me to regain my parents’ trust.

Dear , You’re feeling quite upset that your parents don’t trust you anymore after they ‘caught’ you talking to a guy. While your parents are naturally concerned about your safety, they seem to be suspicious of your every move.

Unfortunately, fear stops us from telling our parents about our friends, especially those of the opposite gender. Yet, it is important to discuss with them that you will meet people of both genders, especially when you go to college, and that friends of the opposite gender are not always romantic relationships.

If you want to build trust with your parents, first communicate openly and honestly with them. Tell them about your friends who they are, how close they are to you, how you met them, their backgrounds. Let your parents meet your friends. Perhaps your parents might also want to get to know their parents.

Discuss and agree upon limits and boundaries related to going out with friends; and then keep to the limits you have agreed to. Your parents need to see you as someone reliable – a person who will keep her word, and whose behaviour is consistent. Show them that you can balance your studies and friendships, and you can say ‘no’ to your friends when needed.

Rebuilding trust will take time, but the more open you are, the easier it will be for them to trust you again.

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I lost my ‘aunt’ due to cancer a few months ago. She is not related to me, but my neighbour. She was very close to me and helped to take care of me since childhood. She was like a mother to me. Even after we shifted to another city, I visited her during my vacations. She understood me better than anybody else. Now whenever I’m alone I think about her and feel like crying. I can’t concentrate on my studies.

Dear, You are missing your aunt a lot. It is quite evident that she meant the world to you, and you are still grieving her loss.

Someone shared a beautiful way of looking at it… just as water changes state, the same way we also change state – from physical to spirit. She just cannot be seen, yet she is with you. She is alive in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories. Honour her memory by creating a little shrine or space with her picture. Keep flowers and light a diya for as long as you wish to. Spend a moment of gratitude and love with her each day and thank her for her presence in your life.

She was like a mother to you, and like all mothers, she would have wanted you to become successful in whatever you do. So, take her blessings and then sit study. Each day, take one step forward to achieve th dreams she would have wanted you to achieve. You know that she loved you, understood you, and wish d you well. So, recall all the advice she may have give you and use that as a guide to move forward. Know the ne is present – like a guru, a guardian angel – with you always.

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I have two brothers (one older, the other younger) and my parents in my family. Whenever I talk to them about my dreams they laugh at me. I don’t have any one to talk to about my goals and dreams. I have several friends; one is very close to me but I have never shared something personal like this with him. What should I do?

 Hi dear, You feel quite hurt and ridiculed when your family members laugh at your dreams and are wondering with whom you can talk about these goals and dreams.

While it is normal to share what you feel excited about, think about what response you expect from those with whom you share them. Do you want them to approve and encourage you? Give you feedback and suggestions? Support to achieve them… or something else? Then communicate accordingly. For example, ask questions like: “What do you think about my goals?” or “Please give me any suggestions for improvement” or “Please suggest ways that I can achieve my goal”. This helps people to see that you are serious about your goals.

Start working towards your goals today. For example, if someone wants to be a Space Scientist, they need to complete a science degree, and they need to focus on Science and Maths now. If there is no action, dreams remain unfulfilled. Be prepared that your dreams may change as you grow older. So, keep a goal diary where you can write about or draw your goals.

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Geologists in the early 1900’s (and earlier) observed related fossil assemblages and rock groups on the margins of different continents separated by large oceans. Continental drift theory proposed that the continents were once contiguous. Measuring the distance across the ocean basins provided a distance of drift, but not a rate.

Scientists in the 1960’s used magnetometers to survey the ocean floor (the magnetometers were retired sub-hunters from WWII). They observed parallel bands of seafloor with the same magnetic orientation and intensity. They noticed that the bands were symmetric on either side of large ridges in the oceans. Plate tectonics proposes that the continents are going along for the ride as oceanic crust grows and spreads from ridges. The scientists used radiometric dating to calibrate the magnetic bands with a magnetic reversal time scale.

We now have the distance that the continents are from each other, and ages for the bands of oceanic crust between them, so we can calculate a rate. For example, the oldest crust in the Atlantic is about 180 million years old, and it is found off the eastern margin of North America and the Western margin of Africa (~6000 km).

6000km/180 million years = ~3.3 cm/year (Averaged over 180 million years, this is a very rough calculation).

This is how fast Africa and North America have cruised apart on average over the last 180 million years.

Credit: UCSB Science Line

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I love my 17-year-old boyfriend very much, but he has the habit of smoking. I have asked him several times to stop this bad habit. He stops for a while but then starts smoking again. I even threatened to leave him if he doesn’t stop. But he says that he loves me very much and will marry me and be true to me. What should I do?

You are unhappy that your boyfriend won’t kick his smoking habit. So first let’s reverse this: Ask yourself, if someone asked you to give up a habit of yours, would you? And if someone threatened to leave you for this habit, how would you feel? When would you give up this habit?

Trying to make a person kick a habit doesn’t work unless they themselves want to and see the benefit in doing so.

Instead, ask him what makes him smoke? What satisfaction does he get by doing so? Then discuss the advantages and disadvantages smoking has on his health by asking questions and providing him with facts (do prepare). Do tell him about passive smoking too. After this, if he wants to give up, ask him if and how you can support him. Let him share ideas on what you can do- but avoid taking on the role of a policeman; no one likes to be policed even if they ask you to do it.

If he is serious about it, then create a small cwritten pact. But after that, it is his choice what he wants to do. And if he chooses to continue, and it doesn’t suit you, then you need to decide what you want to do – stay or leave. If he does give up, then yay!

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