Category Ask the Psychologist

      During these industrious years, play is very important to children. They need unstructured time for exciting, challenging activities – sports, games, hobbies, toys, and pretending. Play can be anything a child does that’s interesting and enjoyable.

      Six- to nine-year-olds spend time riding bikes and scooters, playing with action figures or dolls, sledding, skating, playing ball, making crafts, using the computer, playing video games or board games, and getting together in groups. They incorporate their friends’ thoughts and ideas into play and are much more cooperative than they once were. Because kids this age are less egocentric, they have an easier time getting along and sharing. However, they still need reminders about treating each other fairly and including others in their play.

      Young elementary-aged children enjoy exploring and becoming more independent. They may discover new paths or secret places near home, or ride their bikes to friends’ homes. They enjoy describing what they’ve seen and may exaggerate their adventures. They also like spending time at playgrounds with large, imaginative pieces of equipment, and going to children’s museums with hands-on exhibits.

      Many kids continue to play with their old toys, but in new ways. Games are more elaborate and often planned in advance. Children may expand on favorite themes like house, war, good-guy/bad-guy, school. They also make up spontaneous games.

      They often play out real experiences or feelings. In pretend “school,” a child can be the teacher and fantasize about having control: “Now class, you didn’t turn in your work, so no recess today!” When they play house, they take roles that make them feel comfortable. One might choose to be a decision-making parent while another wants to be a baby who cries and needs nurturing. War games let children feel temporarily strong and powerful. Some parents object to imaginary violence. One parent was upset to hear her eight-year-old tell a friend, “Let’s play that terrorists are attacking.” Pretend fighting games are a normal part of play. If parents are watchful, such games won’t get out of control.         

      Many kids get involved in big, dramatic projects – building a fort or a tree-house, designing a haunted house or a house out of blankets, putting on a puppet show, or creating a garden. They thrive on these activities and proudly show off the results.

      If your child has an interest in such projects, offer him support. If, for example, he wants to build, help him find materials. He’ll make good use of large boxes, scraps of wood, tires, rope sheets, and blankets. Once he’s carried out a large project on his own, he’ll feel successful and competent.

      In one neighborhood, kids wanted to put on a play. Parents provided dress-up clothes and paper and paints, and the children spent a week preparing and rehearsing. In another neighborhood, several children used scraps of wood to build a clubhouse. The project lasted much of the summer and parents were involved only as a supervisor making sure the building was safe. When the kids finished their project, they not only had a clubhouse, but a strong sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

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       Early elementary-aged children are usually happy to spend an evening with a “nice” baby-sitter. Kids this age no longer worry about being separated from their parents and can enjoy time with a teenager or adult who’s interested in having fun. Parents, too, have an easier time with a baby-sitter once their child is older. They’re less worried about his physical safety and needs, and are more confident about his ability to follow rules and report problems.

       Parents of children this age still need to carefully prepare their sitter. They should leave emergency phone numbers and written instructions about medications. They should remind their child and the sitter of family rules, writing down important ones if the sitter is new. If there are special circumstances – a child’s friend sleeping over, a special TV show, and outdoor play – parents should leave specific instructions. In addition, they can let the sitter know if she can use the phone or invite a friend over.

       Some sitters get involved in play and easily keep children occupied. Others are more distant, watching the children but not interacting. If parents know their children will have to amuse themselves, they should leave activities to occupy the entire evening, including video and computer games, board games, crafts, and videos.

       Many six- to nine-year-olds tests their sitters, behaving in ways they know their parents wouldn’t accept. Even the most involved sitter won’t know all the family’s rules and may inadvertently find herself letting kids “get away with” inappropriate behavior. If parents anticipate problems or if they worry that siblings will fight with each other, they should give the sitter ideas for distracting the children and defusing arguments. They can leave special snacks, small surprises, or a good book for the sitter to use if the children get out of control.

       Parents who don’t mind some of the rules being broken should let the sitter know. They may not care if the child leaves his meal unfinished, skips his bath, sleeps with his clothes on, or sleeps in his parents’ bed until they come home.

       Sometimes a child is invited to spend time at a friend’s house, supervised by a sitter. Parents should use their judgment in such situations. One mother wouldn’t allow her child to go because she considered the sitter unreliable.

       Occasionally, parents leave their child with a sitter for extended periods. Children will be most comfortable with a familiar sitter, but they can warm up to a friendly new one. Recommendations from trusted sources are essential when choosing a sitter to spend several days with a child.

       Parents should leave daily plans, including notes about sleep-overs, outside play, homework, after-school activities, and special events. They can fill the refrigerator with treats and leave a “thinking of you” present to be given to the child half-way through their absence. They should call home and ask their child about the sitter: “Is she nice?” They also should ask an adult relative or friend to check in to be sure things are going well.

       As kids grow, the “sitter” is often an older sibling. Twelve-years-olds can baby-sit successfully for their six- to nine-year-old brothers and sisters, especially if parents provide lengthy, distracting activities. Video games and rented movies are especially effective. Some young children are comfortable being alone with an older brother or sister as long as the older sibling pays attention to them. But if there is much rivalry, a young child may fear or resent his older sibling. Parents should be flexible when an older child is in charge. Rather than have the older sibling enforce many rules, they can let both children stay up, share the same snacks, do the same activities.

       Parents should stress to both children the importance of getting along. You can talk about ways to work out differences and let both children know how to reach you if they need help. Call home as frequently as you like to see how the evening is going. If there are problems, you should intervene, and if there aren’t, you can feel reassured. Always be careful not to take advantage of the older child; he should not be forced to baby-sit if he has conflicting activities of his own.

       If your child complains about a sitter, even one you’ve used for years, listen carefully. Teenagers change their behavior as they get older. One child said, “Jennifer used to play with us, but now she just watches TV and talks on the phone.” Tell an uninvolved sitter specific activities she can try, then see if she follows through. If things don’t work out, stop using an unsatisfactory sitter and search for one you feel more comfortable with.

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      Six- to nine-year-olds are developmentally industrious and hard-working. At these ages, they have plenty of energy to keep busy. They’re happy to play in unstructured ways – building forts, climbing tree houses, playing house or school, building with Legos, and participating in spontaneous neighborhood games. They also enjoy the many organized activities and lessons available: sports, arts and crafts, collecting, dance, music, hands-on science, scouting, clubs, and more.

      Parents, educators, and childcare professionals often worry that children are enrolled in too many classes and activities. But during the elementary years, kids really can’t be over-scheduled as long as they’re doing what interests them and aren’t feeling pressured to succeed at everything. These are the times when they develop new skills and discover what interests them, sometimes taking part in four or more activities a week. Both active play and organized programs offer kids a chance to try out different experiences, find out what works, and be with friends.

     Classes, activities, and lessons (some with low or no fees required) are offered through schools, city and county recreation centers, religious organizations, individuals, profit and non-profit groups. Many kids go to these programs directly from school. Parents who work outside the home still can make activities available to their child by carpooling, rearranging their schedules, enrolling him in evening or weekend classes, or choosing an afterschool day care program that includes extra activities.

      As parents choose from the wealth of recreational possibilities, they have to consider their child’s interests (spontaneous or otherwise), their own ability to pay for classes and arrange transportation, and the quality of individual programs. They should ask some of these questions: will their child have friends in the class? Is practice required? Are parents signing him up for their own convenience? Will the class be too rigid or too unstructured? Will a sports activity reinforce competition or teach sportsmanship? Will an art class enhance or stifle creativity? How often will the class meet? Will the program interfere with schoolwork, a reasonable bedtime, or a sibling’s schedule? And finally, will participating in the activity allow him time to relax and play at home?

      Be sure the activities your child participates in are not just ones you think he should try. You’ll know when the initiative is his because he’ll ask again and again if you’ve signed him up for a special program. One mother, after talking to a basketball coach, decided her son should play, so she pressured him to try. He lasted through only a few practices before saying he wanted to quit.

      If your child does lose interest in a program, evaluate the situation. Is the instructor or coach too harsh? The class too demanding? Are you putting too much pressure on your child? Is he having problems with another child in the class? At times, an activity may just not be right. One girl started with gymnastics, lost interest, and switched to soccer. While playing on the team, she also went to a tennis clinic with a friend and ended up loving and seriously playing the game for years.

      It’s possible that your child wants to quit an activity because he feels inferior as he compares his skills to those of other kids. The coach or leader may be able to help him feel more competent, or your child simply may decide to drop out and try another activity. This is fine as long as he won’t let his team down – if they are counting on him, urge him to finish out the season before moving on. Quitting activities and starting new ones are very common during the elementary school years as children discover lots of inviting opportunities. Your child’s intense interest in trying new things will disappear by the time he’s an adolescent, so help him take the time now to start building his identity and learning about his interests, abilities, and strengths.

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      Even though the relationship between parents and caregivers is less intense during the early elementary years, it often remains strained. Ideally, both sides should extend themselves, and parents and caregivers should relate in a cordial, informative way. However, many parents and caregivers are uncomfortable with each other and try to avoid contact. This leaves all parties feeling dissatisfied.

      To some parents, a caregiver may be an intimidating figure. She has influence and power over a child, and parents may hesitate to alienate her with questions or complaints. They may feel that inquiries about their child will bother her, and they fear that she’ll take out anger and frustration on their child or threaten to drop the child from the program.

      Some parents stay distant from a caregiver because of guilt. They feel bad about leaving their child with another adult and avoid any contact that will make them feel worse. They drop her off and pick her up as quickly as possible (“I’m so busy!”) and never extend themselves to the adult in charge.

      There’s another reason parents remain detached from their child’s caregiver. They may not take her job seriously, viewing her as a baby-sitter and treating her as they might a neighborhood teenager. They come and go from the day care center, the caregiver’s home, or their own home with barely a nod. Since many caregivers are younger than the parents they work for, it may seem natural for parents to act this way. Yet, regular caregivers do much more than occasional sitters do. They plan activities and programs, help with homework, and offer comfort and advice.

      Sometimes it’s the caregiver who’s reluctant to form a friendly relationship. She may feel uncomfortable with parents because she’s younger and less experienced than they. She may feel awkward telling them about their child’s behavior, giving them advice, or discussing the differences between their standards and her own. She may be generally unsure of herself around adults. Many child care workers enjoy being with children but are not as positive and confident with adults. In addition, caregivers who see parents rush in and out may hesitate to talk to them for fear of holding them up.

      Here are some things you can do to improve your relationship with your child’s caregiver. Take the first step and offer a friendly hello and good-bye each day. Smile and wave if the caregiver is busy when you arrive. If she has a few minutes to chat, have a brief conversation. Talk about the weather, an upcoming weekend, children’s artwork on the wall. Try to leave a few minutes at the end of the day to stay and watch your child finish a project or to talk to the other children. If you seem unhurried, the caregiver will consider you more approachable.

      Most importantly, let your caregiver know you appreciate her services. She’ll find it easy to talk to you about your child if she believes you take her seriously. Listen carefully to her observations and suggestions, respect her standards, and work cooperatively with her. It takes time to build trust, but effort and consistent friendliness will enhance your relationship.

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      Since early elementary-aged children are not fully ready to take care of themselves, working parents have to arrange before- and afterschool care. The alternative – having a child spend mornings and afternoons alone – is neither safe nor appropriate. Most parents recognize that six- or seven-year-olds should not be left on their own, but many parents consistently leave eight- and nine-year-olds to care for themselves. Some of these children even supervise younger siblings.

      Parents who leave young children alone spend much of their working time worrying, and with good cause. Eight- and nine-year-olds have trouble remembering and following rules. They may open the door to strangers, go outside, use the stove, look at inappropriate TV shows or websites, or have a friend over against their parents’ wishes. Kids this age are not equipped to handle emergencies, including ones involving younger siblings.

      In addition to physical supervision, children need emotional support, which they can’t get when they’re alone. Before school, a child needs a caregiver to offer a good breakfast and a cheerful, “Have a good day at school. Hope your science project is a success.” After school, he needs to talk, have a snack, hear someone say, “How was your day? Did you work things out with your friend? Do you need help with your homework?”

      The caregiver can be a relative, neighbor, teenage sitter, or day care center worker. Many public schools lease space for independent day care operations. Since the programs are convenient and presumably screened by the school administration, parents often sign their children up for this before- and after-school care.

      Private schools also may provide care, operated according to the school’s standards and values. The school’s administrator usually has responsibility for the program. Since the quality of the day care reflects upon the school, private schools sometimes show a particularly strong commitment to providing good programs.

      A problem with all day care, whether in an institutional setting or a private home, is finding educated staff to work with early elementary-aged children from 7:00 to 9:00 in the morning and 3:00 to 6:00 in the evening. Child care workers are notoriously underpaid and receive few benefits. Qualified caretakers are hard to find and day care administrators must spend considerable time training inexperienced staff and coping with frequent turnover.

      Before settling on any type of arrangement, get recommendations from people you trust. If you hire a sitter for your home, check her references carefully. Determine how responsible a neighborhood teenager is before allowing her to stay regularly with your child.

      Whether your child is being cared for in a day care program, a private home, or your own home, pay attention to the kind of care he’s receiving. Don’t feel complacent if he’s enrolled in a public or private school program. Although all such programs should be carefully screened and supervised, they often aren’t.

      To reassure yourself and help your child, evaluate the quality of his day care. For a morning program outside your home, find out what kinds of activities are offered. Can your child bring his own toys or projects? Can he finish his homework before school? Is breakfast or a snack served? Is the atmosphere friendly? If a sitter comes to your home in the morning, is she pleasant while helping your child get ready? Your child’s school day will be influenced by the start he gets each morning.

      Learn about the after-school program. Is a snack provided? Are there active and quiet activities? Indoors and out? Can he go to an organized sport or activity in the school building or elsewhere? Is there a quiet place to do homework? What is the staff/child ratio? Is the staff warm and helpful? Can you use the center on a drop-in basis? If he spends the afternoon with a sitter, is he well supervised? Does he watch too much TV or spend too much time on the computer?

      You can tell a lot about the quality of care by talking to and observing your child. He may complain about his baby-sitter or his day care program, especially if he sees other children going home from school each day. Yet, he may be happy when you see him in the evening, and he may talk excitedly about the activities and kids he’s been involved with. If you’re pleased with the sitter or program and your child seems content, you can feel confident he is well taken care of. If you aren’t pleased, talk to your caregiver and ask for and offer solutions. Eventually you may consider seeking alternative arrangements, rearranging your own schedule, or cutting back on your work hours to better meet your child’s needs.

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Many parents are dissatisfied with their child’s public school education. They know her potential and they’ve seen her enthusiasm and capacity for learning. Yet, in public school she may be consistently unhappy, bored, or unchallenged. Parents who feel that their local public school is failing their child can consider transferring her to a better public school or a public magnet or charter school. If these choices are unavailable or unsatisfactory, parents can look at other alternatives.

The most common are private schools. Many parents don’t consider private education because of the costs. Yet, some private schools are less expensive than others, many offer scholarships, some are co-ops accepting volunteer work in place of tuition, some help arrange loans, and some offer free or reduced tuition for parents who are employed by the school. When considering costs, parents should evaluate their priorities. Some people decide to invest in their child’s education and accept a simpler and less costly lifestyle in exchange.

Some parents are wary of private school for another reason. They fear their child will lose the social benefits of attending a neighborhood school. While most private schools encourage a strong sense of community and plan many social activities for their students, it is true that a child who does not attend his neighborhood school will probably have a smaller social circle. However, private school students can still play with their neighborhood friends after school and on weekends in organized activities and on sports teams.

Parents who choose private education do so because they want a social, moral, academic, or religious atmosphere they can’t find in public schools. Some parents have always known—either because of their own backgrounds or because they have firm preferences for a particular type of education—that they would send their child to private school. More often, they choose private school because they’re unhappy with their child’s public school. They may want their child to experience smaller classes, less emphasis on preparing for standardized tests, and a more challenging curriculum. While some parents plan on a full thirteen years of private education, some only want private school for the early elementary years. However, many parents find it hard to put a child back into public school, since they often find private school more effective and individualized.

There are many kinds of private schools: religious, Montessori, Waldorf, college preparatory (strict or liberal), academically accelerated, and schools for children with learning disabilities or emotional problems. In large urban areas there are many choices, while small cities or rural areas have fewer options.

Parents who don’t know what they want should begin by visiting private schools. They can talk to each school’s principal or admission counselor, attend an open house, and sit in on a class. How structured is the work’? What are kids expected to achieve? How does the teacher present material? How does she relate to the class? Do the students seem happy and interested?

Parents should ask other families for advice about private schools and, if necessary, consult an educational specialist who can test and observe a child, interview parents, and then recommend likely school.

For parents who choose not to look at private schools but who are unhappy with the public ones, there’s another alternative—home schooling. A growing number of families have children who learn at home, taught by their parents. Many local school districts allow home education, and some districts cooperate with home-schoolers, letting them use school resources.

People are often shocked when they first hear of home schooling: “How can parents teach their child?” “How will she learn to get along, with other kids?”

The fact is, most parents who are able to make the significant time commitment can teach their child successfully. Kids in school spend part of each day marking time. They wait in line, wait for their turn to read, and wait to have their questions answered. They do “busy work” while the teacher works with other students. They sit while she disciplines others. In some schools, little of the typical school day is actually spent learning. In contrast to this type of situation, when a child is schooled at home, she can master material quickly and efficiently.

Home-schooled children usually get along fine socially. Like private-school children, they still play with neighborhood friends and join them in organized activities such as classes, teams, and scouts. They don’t miss out on much socializing at school because socializing is generally discouraged at school. Students are rewarded for being quiet, and reprimanded for talking to friends during class. During recess, interaction may be competitive, fueled by students’ need to be smarter, better, faster than classmates. A child learning at home doesn’t get caught up in that competition and for that reason may get along better with other children.

If you’re considering home schooling, explore the many resources available. There are supportive national and local home schooling organizations. There are also curriculum guides available able from school systems, local libraries, the Internet, and educational bookstores. You might decide to follow the plan offered by a correspondence school, or get together with other home-schoolers to share material.

Since you’re familiar with your child’s learning style and interests, you can individualize her work. Sometimes you can use books; other times you can do hands-on projects with her. Her schooling can include frequent trips to museums, libraries, performances, and nature centers.

Most home-schoolers give their children standardized tests once a year to be sure they’re making good progress. Find out what tests your school district gives and either ask to have your child tested with other students or ask for a copy of the test to administer at home.

One of the hardest parts of picking an alternative to public school, whether private or home schooling, is dealing with the criticism of other adults. Families who are satisfied with public school may be intolerant of your choices: “I think it’s crazy to keep your child out of school!” “Why spend all that money for private school? I’d never do that!” They also may feel threatened because you’ve chosen a path different from their own.

It’s unpleasant to be judged. But the unpleasantness is more than made up for by the satisfaction of seeing your child blossom in a new school environment. Because of the choices you’ve made, your child may flourish in ways she never would have otherwise.

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