Category Ask the Psychologist

      Carpools can be helpful and frustrating at the same time. Parents welcome the driving assistance, yet struggle with the personality, style, and scheduling conflicts involved. Carpools are created for convenience. Most kids would just as soon have their parents drive them everywhere. However, parents need carpools to make their hectic lives run more smoothly.

      When children (and parents) are not compatible, carpooling can become a problem. This is especially true when the drive is long and frequent, as is often the case with private-school carpools. Children who don’t get along whine and complain that the radio’s too loud, the other kids talk too much, the car’s too hot or too cold. One child may start arguments or brag so much about her possessions that she makes the others miserable.

      Children’s ages sometimes affect the success of a carpool. Some mixed-age groups work well, but others fail. One mother listened to her seven-year-old daughter complain that the eight-year-old in the carpool always wanted to listen to rock music on the radio. The next year, the daughter herself wanted rock music, to the dismay of the younger children in the carpool.

      Some kids complain bitterly about carpools, hoping their parents will let them drop out: “I hate Emily and Robert! Do I have to ride to school with them?” Parents should listen to their children’s opinions; they may even share them: “You’re right. Emily does talk too much on the way to school.” Yet, parents have to explain that carpooling is not an option but a necessity. The arrangements are unlikely to change, so parents and children have to try and make the best of them.

      There are a number of things you can do to help make carpooling more successful. First, reach an agreement with the other drivers on matters of car safety, schedules, and acceptable carpool behavior. Keep communicating with these parents when there are problems, but also let your child know that when she’s the passenger, she has to follow the driver’s rules.

      Be sure your child has plenty of time to get ready so the carpool won’t have to wait while she hunts for her gloves, homework folder, and ballet shoes, or change for a drink.

      When it’s your turn to drive, set limits on unacceptable behavior and let your riders know how you want them to act. You may not like dealing with the tension, but you have to step in to ensure a safe and relatively peaceful ride. You can say, “When you act so silly, I have trouble concentrating on driving.” If children won’t stop arguing, tell them to take out a book and read quietly. When you’re the driver, it’s up to you to set the rules: “You can’t bring a toy in the car unless you let the others have a turn with it.” “You can’t insult each other”. “I won’t let you yell like that.”

      You can try to prevent tension by providing distractions such as food, pocket video games, audio tapes, CDs, small pads with pens and pencils, books, miniature cars, dolls, action figures, even gum. One parent kept her carpool busy singing. Another mother kept a conversation going involving all the kids. Often, children can come up with their own ideas for activities.

      If the kids you drive complain about seating arrangements, try assigning seats on a rotating basis. That may stop arguments over who sits in a window seat. As an alternative, you may want your own child to sit up front when you drive so you can talk.

      You may have a child in your carpool who gets upset or cries when you drop her off. After an apparently happy ride, she’ll start crying at her destination because she wants her parents with her. She may be nervous about a new activity or just generally uneasy. When you’re the driver, you have to decide how to deal with the situation. If she goes off with the other children, you can drive away without worrying. But if she regularly stands and cries, ask her parents how they’d like you to handle the situation. Sometimes she actually cries longer when her parents drive than when another adult does.

      Crying children, arguments, worries about being on time – all are frustrating parts of carpooling. After trying to make your carpool as successful as possible, just accept the remaining frustrations in exchange for the convenience.

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     Shyness is often viewed as a problem. Many people believe it is an undesirable trait, one that reflects a poor self-image. Actually, it’s only a problem when people perceive it as one. A reserved child who is not taught that something is wrong with her will be just as confident, happy, and involved as her more outgoing peers.

     One woman who was shy as a child had parents who never made her feel bad about her quiet nature. As a result, she’s a reserved adult who moves confidently through life. Another woman remembers being chastised for her shyness. Her parents constantly tried to change her: “Why don’t you act like the other kids?” “Why are you so anti-social?” She still feels self-conscious and uncomfortable and imagines her mother saying, “Talk! Just go ahead and talk to them!”

     The way a child perceives her shyness depends mostly on her parents. If they accept her personality and don’t focus on shyness as a problem, she also will be matter-of-fact about her shyness. She will see herself as able to do and enjoy the same things other children do. But if her parents try to change her or focus too much on her shyness, she’ll become self-conscious. It’s a fine line between acceptance and feeling bad about having this trait. The more parents concentrate on shyness as a problem, the worse their child will feel about herself.

     Shyness is a personality characteristic and should be accepted as one, not as a flaw. Reserved children are often nice, well-behaved, and generous. They are usually good listeners and enjoy and respect privacy. They also can enjoy watching other children participate in activities. Although they are shy in some circumstances, they may handle other situations well. They’re often fine in small groups of two or three children or in one-on-one conversations with an adult. A shy child who is involved in an interesting project won’t appear shy. It’s only when she becomes the focus that her shyness becomes apparent.

     While shyness should not be seen as a problem for a child, it can be frustrating for parents. They may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when she doesn’t respond as other children do. They may feel judged and they may see her ignored by adults who engage with other, more talkative children.

     Parents can help themselves and their child by avoiding uncomfortable situations and protecting her when necessary. For instance, many shy children don’t like to be put on the spot to say hello or otherwise talk on demand. If she appears unlikely to respond to an adult’s questions, her parents should matter-of-factly respond for her and then quickly steer the discussion away from her. The alternative, trying to force her to talk, will only make her feel worse and will probably be ineffective.

     Parents can sometimes help their child by role-playing uncomfortable situations with her: “Let’s pretend you meet Jackie in the hall at Sunday school. How could you say hello to her?” “Imagine Aunt Karen asking you, ‘How’s school?” Practicing may be useful. However, when she is actually confronted with an uncomfortable situation, she may not respond as she had rehearsed.

     If parents expect guests at their home, they can prepare their child or make special arrangements for her. She might feel more comfortable if she has a friend of her own over. She might prefer helping before the guests arrive rather than when the visitors are in the house. If parents generally arrange situations so she doesn’t feel focused on, everyone will feel better.

     Parents often wonder how to approach the subject of shyness in school. If that’s a concern of yours, wait and see how comfortable your child is in class. Don’t begin the school year by telling the teacher your child is shy; the teacher may treat her differently or anticipate problems. If your child feels self-conscious about being made to speak in class, schedule a conference at school. Let the teacher know you don’t want your child to receive negative messages about shyness. You have to correct any adult who believes she can change your child’s personality.

     Many teachers prefer quiet students. Your reserved child may be rewarded for her behavior, perhaps more than you would wish. One shy first-grader received stickers at school for being so “good” and quiet. Then, during a school conference, the teacher told the parents the girl was very shy. “But you reward her for being quiet!” her parents replied. They asked the teacher to stop reinforcing her shy behavior and instead reward her for finishing her work or participating in class.

     Sometimes your child will come home from school or play feeling frustrated because she couldn’t participate comfortably. She may become whiny or demanding. Accept that she needs understanding and an outlet for her feelings. If she feels comfortable enough, she may talk to you about shyness and how it sometimes interferes with activities. Certainly as she gets older, an accepting atmosphere at home will make it easier for her to share her thoughts.

     You may be convinced that she will always be shy, but it’s hard to predict the paths she’ll take. Some kids who are extremely shy during the elementary years may gradually become more outgoing. In any case, your job is to accept her as she is and help her find activities and situations that make her feel good.

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     The early elementary years are a time of increased socializing. As kids become less egocentric they’re better able to consider other children’s feelings and viewpoints. Six- to nine-year-olds not only tolerate each other’s differences, but actually enjoy learning about friends’ interests. They generally play cooperatively, work together, and follow the rules of games. Although there are still arguments, they now have an easier time letting go and accepting others’ opinions.

     Kids may have many friends in school or in the neighborhood, but usually find one or two they most enjoy being with. It sometimes seems to parents that their child is more interested in friends than family, and increasingly this may be the case. While six- and seven-year-olds look almost exclusively to their parents for love and acceptance, an eight- to nine-year-old also looks to friends for approval. He wants to be like his peers and may argue with his parents: “I don’t want to go to Aunt Jan’s. I want to go skating with Joey.” “Why can’t Judy come over today?” “Can’t we bring Bailey to the circus with us?”

     When a child forms a strong friendship, his entire family is affected. There are phone calls back and forth and weekend and after-school plans to make. He may badger his parents to buy him what his friend has or to let him do what his friend does. Friends may want to play the same sports, join the same activities, dress similarly, be in the same class, and go to the same camp.

     You may find yourself in the middle of arrangements between your child and his friends. Although it can be frustrating to plan around kids’ requests, you’ll also see the value of friendships to your child. He’ll share some ideas with his friends that he’d hesitate to share with you. They’ll laugh at the same jokes, enjoy the same activities, accept new friends and talk about those they don’t like, listen to each other’s stories, and show concern and compassion.

     At times, include his friend in your family’s plans. This is easy if the friend lives nearby. But if he lives some distance away, as often happens when children attend private school away from the neighborhood, you’ll have to make an extra effort.

     Invite the friend to dinner, to sleep over, or to go with you on an outing. Even if you’re busy with errands, you can take him along to the grocery store or shopping center.

     Elementary-aged visitors are often easier to have around than preschoolers. They occupy themselves independently, make less noise, need less supervision, and make less of a mess. You’ll still have to deal with cleanups, of course, and there will be disagreements, although bickering between good friends is usually brief.

     You should monitor your child and his friend to be sure they’re playing safely. You also should make sure they don’t constantly exclude your other children. While friends need some privacy, they also need to know that siblings shouldn’t be shut out: “Your brother would like to help you build a snowman.”

     If a close friend moves away, your child will go through a difficult period. Although distant friends can stay in touch, the loss may be very hard. It will be difficult for you as you witness your child’s sadness and help him get through the separation. Let him know about the move ahead of time, suggest he give his friend a good-bye gift or card, and take a last picture of the friends together. Support him and listen as he talks about his unhappy feelings. You can encourage him to write or email his friend, and you can arrange periodic visits. However, he will gradually focus less and less on the friend who moved away. As he builds new friendships, he’ll remember his old friend primarily when reminded of the things they did together.

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“I’m in a higher reading group than Sara!”

“I won! I beat everybody!”

“Emily still needs training wheels on her bike and I don’t”.

All children have competitive feelings and all run into competitive situations during the early elementary years. There’s competition in games, sports, the classroom, social life, and family life. When properly handled, competition can motivate children to do their best. Some need the “jolt” of competition to put energy into studying, practicing, or performing.

For a number of reasons, some kids are more competitive than others. A younger sibling tries to keep up with, or even surpass, his older brothers and sisters. He’ll compete in anything from schoolwork, sports, and music to crafts, skate boarding, and game playing. The younger child tries harder, earlier than his older siblings did, and often he fails because he’s not developmentally ready to compete on an equal basis.

Schools often encourage kids to become competitive. Grades are given and sometimes announced: “I’m better than Monique in math. She got a C again.” Teachers give stickers to the child who has the right answers, the best picture, the neatest handwriting, or the nicest behavior. Only the top homework projects go on display and only the best book reports get read out loud. In gym class, teachers may single out the most athletic children: “Everybody watch how fast Mark runs.” “Look how Susie jumps!”

Recreation class leaders and team coaches also encourage competition: “Let me tell you the other team’s weaknesses. Then we’ll go get’ em.” “Play better and we’ll win.” Children compete with other teams and also with their own teammates to be the best or the first or the one who spends the most time on the field.

By far the greatest influence on a child’s competitive sense is his parents. Some parents, ignoring their child’s strengths, weaknesses and interest, put intense pressure on him: “You can do it.” “Go out there and beat them.” “Andy stinks. You’re a lot better than he is.” They may do this because of their own unresolved competitive feelings. They may have been similarly pressured as children and now repeat old patterns. They may feel insecure about their skills and push their child in order to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy.

They might pressure him to compete because they feel he’s lazy and unmotivated. By reinforcing competition, they hope to spur him to greater accomplishments: “If you’d just tried harder you could’ve won that match. Next time pay attention to what you’re doing.” “I know you can get the highest grade on the test. Just study more.”

When parents invest time and energy urging their child to compete, he may feel humiliated when he doesn’t perform as they wish. One parent berated his child for dropping the baseball during a game. Another was angry because her child got fewer points than a neighboring child in a classroom competition. Parents may justify such pressure by saying, “It’s tough out there, and if he doesn’t learn how to compete now, he’s never going to make it in the real world.”

The unenthusiastic child who competes does so because his parents want him to. He may simply fail for lack of skill or desire, or he may put on a swaggering front. Even after swinging at the baseball and missing, he may say to a teammate, “I’m better than you are. At least I swing harder.” Some unwilling kids compete angrily, becoming extremely frustrated if they lose. They know how much their failure disappoints their parents.

In moderation, competitive feelings are acceptable, especially if a child has confidence in himself and his abilities. A child with a good self-image will not think badly of himself if he loses or exaggerate his importance if he wins. An insecure child may only compete when he’s sure to win, or will compete and have his self-image fluctuate, depending on his performance. One girl who was not competitive by nature became so to please her father. Her teacher reported that the girl hesitated to try something unless she was sure she’d do well.

Some kids are excessively competitive. They’re consumed with being bigger and better, and they want to win at everything. Even if they are highly skilled, their attitude is disturbing and unattractive. Many parents of highly competitive children worry about their intense drive. They know that the fun of participating is lost when their child is obsessed with being the best. One girl became upset with her score while bowling. When her request to take her turnover was denied, she got angry and demanding, eventually ruining the game for her family.

If you’re concerned about your child’s excessive competitive feelings, there are several approaches you can try. Work on his attitude, and talk to him about competition from the opponent’s point of view. Explain that part of competing is learning to lose gracefully and congratulating the winning opponent. He will adopt your point of view if you model the behavior you’d like to see in him. Be a good winner – and loser – and, after trying your best, minimize the importance of competition and move on to another activity.

If you don’t understand your child’s competitive drive or can’t affect it, take a look at his overall situation. Does he need more of your time and attention at home? Do his siblings consistently out-perform him? Do they include him in their activities? Does he have enough success at school and at home? Is he involved in too many competitive activities? Should another interest be encouraged? Are his activities appropriate for his age level or does he struggle to keep up?

Once you’ve stopped placing pressure on him, help him put less pressure on himself. Although he may continue to be highly competitive, stress the enjoyment and fulfillment of participating in activities and let him know what he’s missing by focusing so strongly on winning.

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     Every child at times talks proudly about his possessions, his activities, and his family. Usually he just wants to share his excitement with friends. Sometimes, however, he boasts, exaggerates, or lies about his possessions and accomplishments. He may try to show off or to impress his friends. This is bragging, and it’s difficult for most parents to listen to. They wonder, “How did this child become so materialistic?” “Why doesn’t he think about other people’s feelings?”

     Elementary school-aged children brag because they have competitive feelings about each other. They sometimes judge themselves and their peers by abilities—“Can you do a cartwheel?”—and by possessions – “She’s lucky. She’s got a lot of toys.” Friendships at this age are based on shared interests, and a child may feel threatened if he doesn’t have what his friends have. This in turn may lead him to lie, brag, and put down others just to feel accepted by his peers. One boy exaggerated the size of his baseball card collection because he felt left out when his friends talked about their cards. Bragging made him feel like he belonged.

     Some kids brag because their self-esteem is low. If a child feels inadequate, he may seek attention by lying about what he owns or by making up elaborate stories about family activities. Boasting makes him feel important. Siblings may brag because they feel jealous of each other. One will chant, “I got to go outside twice today for recess and you didn’t!” and the other will respond, “I can sleep at Julie’s and you can’t!”

     Bragging often has a negative effect on young listeners. Children between six and nine usually believe what friends tell them, so they may end up feeling hurt and angry about seemingly far-fetched claims. One girl said she had a new necklace and her friend responded, “So? I got five new bracelets.” Some children just listen, feeling uncomfortable. Still others are so impressed by their friends’ bragging that they start boasting for them: “My friend has a huge train set!”

     Parents, overhearing their own or another child brag, wonder what to do. If you’re concerned about your six- to nine-year-old’s boasts, remember that he may not realize he’s bragging. In the early elementary years, kids are just leaving the stage of egocentric, self-centered thinking and only beginning to consider other people’s needs. His feelings of respect for others will come and go in this stage before he fully understands the impact bragging has.

     Still, it’s important to talk with him about boastful behavior. Let him know that his innocent exuberance may be thought of as bragging by those who have less than he does. One boy who liked to talk about his comic book collection was upset by a friend who lied about having a similar collection. The boy’s mother used the incident to talk about friendship and jealousy. You can speak to your own child about bragging, using real or hypothetical situations. You may be frustrated during your discussion if he shows a lack of concern for others, but keep talking and listening. If he feels heard, he’ll eventually be more willing to listen to you.

     When you overhear him and his friends bragging excessively, let them try to handle the situation themselves. If one seems to be getting upset, step in and either distracts them all or set limits for them. If your child is bothered by bragging at school, remind him that he can set limits, too. He can say, “I don’t want to talk about that anymore,” or, “That’s all I want to hear about your bike.”

     If your child boasts excessively to his siblings, try to find out what the underlying issues are. Your children may need more attention or may be bothered by problems at school or in the family. Once you discover the reasons, you can help your children build better sibling relationships.

     Finally, you can help by demonstrating the right behavior for your child. If you boast about your home, cars, vacations, and even his accomplishments, you’re teaching him to act similarly. However, when you’re respectful of others’ feelings, you help him learn to control his bragging and become a more thoughtful and considerate person.

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Grandparents can be very special to a child. In a good relationship, they offer unconditional love and acceptance. They often pay undivided attention and listen with interest to all their grandchild has to tell. Many grandparents are flexible—they have free time and their own lives are fairly settled. Since they don’t have day-to-day responsibility for their grandchild, they can get involved without worrying about such tough issues as discipline and education.

Good grandparent-grandchild relationships usually revolve around the child’s interests, although children sometimes will listen carefully to their grandparents’ stories (“We didn’t have computers and videos when I was your age,”) and may enjoy participating in a grandparent’s hobby. Still, the focus is on the child. During the preschool years, most children are happy to stay near their grandparents during a visit. By the early elementary years, kids are involved in many activities and are often busy when grandparents are around. The relationship changes. Grandparents of a six- to nine-year-old may spend less time directly involved with their grandchild and more time watching his soccer games, class plays, or recitals.

Parents find themselves in the middle of the grandparent-grandchild relationship. In the best situations, parents love to share their child’s accomplishments with grandparents and hear them say wonderful things back. It’s especially gratifying when grandparents compliment parents for successful child-rearing. But the relationship can be complex and uncomfortable, especially for the generation in the middle.

When grandparents criticize the way their grandchild is being raised, parents resent the intrusion. If grandparents are especially loving towards their grandchild, a parent may angrily or jealously wonder why she didn’t experience such acceptance when she was young: “Why are they so nice now? They were never like that when I was growing up.” At the other extreme, if grandparents aren’t loving enough, parents mourn the loss of a relationship they wanted for their child.

By the time a child is in elementary school, he knows a great deal about his grandparents. He knows how they react to him, how likely they are to pay attention and play with him, and what their personalities are like. A grandchild sometimes sees the same characteristics that his parents once saw. And he, like his parents, may be bothered: “Grandpa thinks he knows everything.” Parents can commiserate: “You know, when I was growing up I sometimes felt the same way about Grandpa. I think it’s his way of giving advice and helping out.” Parents usually find that their child is more tolerant of a grandparent’s idiosyncrasies than they are.

If your child’s grandparents are intent on seeing and enjoying him, the relationship will flourish. If they are emotionally or geographically distant, there are some things you can do to encourage the relationship.

When grandparents live far away, remain in contact via telephone or email. Exchange audio tapes describing recent activities or send videotapes of your child playing, singing, showing off his room, or telling a story. You can help your child write to his grandparents by giving him several addressed, stamped envelopes ready to send off with a letter, photo, or drawing.

If you’ve kept grandparents at a distance because of their attitudes or actions, reconsider now that your child is older. One parent who thought her mother overindulged the grandchildren as preschoolers saw that the leniency and generosity didn’t harm them or make them greedy. She began to invite her mother over more often.

If you sense that your child is bothered or worried about his grandparents, let him talk about his feelings. If his grandmother is sick or if there’s a sudden change in her health or living situation, he will ask lots of questions and seek reassurance: “Will Grandma be all right?” “Will she always be sad now?” “Will we still get to see her?”

The relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can enrich both generations. When it works, it’s wonderful. When it doesn’t develop as you would wish, there still will be benefits. As the parent in-between, try to accept whatever disappointment you feel and nurture the good parts of the relationship.

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