Category Ask the Psychologist

Children in the same family can be strikingly different. Parents may believe they’re raising their children in similar ways, yet the children have very different personalities, abilities, and interests. Why?

Naturally, heredity plays a major role in determining temperament and abilities. One child in a family may be easygoing by nature, another more sensitive. One may have athletic ability, while another is intellectually inclined.

Gender affects personality differences as well. Boys and girls frequently have different interests and activity levels although each may become strongly involved in activities stereotypically associated with the opposite sex. In addition, kids often imitate what they see, and if parents have very different interests and personalities, one child may imitate her mother while the other follows her father.

The way parents treat their children has a major impact on the development of personality, interests, and abilities. Parents shape and steer their child in many ways, both consciously and unconsciously. They may encourage musical talent while ignoring mechanical ability; they may inadvertently stifle creativity or individuality while urging their child to “be good.” They may offer her nurturing role models or help her become a leader.

Within a family, each child’s experience is unique. For instance, a first-born receives a lot of attention during her years as the only child. However, because her parents are inexperienced, they may be cautious, demanding, and nervous at the same time that they’re loving and proud. Parents are usually more relaxed and lenient with their younger children.

There are other circumstances that lead parents to treat their children differently, often with negative results. One child may have a temperamental characteristic that unhappily reminds her parents of something in themselves or another relative. Parents don’t like seeing familiar negative characteristics reflected in their child and may wish—or pressure—her to be different.

The resemblance can be something specific. A parent with a strong temper may single out a child with a similar personality: “Your loud mouth will get you in trouble.” The parent who has negative feelings about himself may treat the child who is like him more harshly than he treats his other children.

The resemblance also can be general. A child might simply be a reminder to her parents that they (and she) are not as aggressive, talented, or intelligent as they would like to be. One parent, talking to his spouse about their child, said, “She’s stubborn, just like you.”

If one child physically resembles a parent or other relative in a way that makes parents uncomfortable, they may voice their displeasure: “Your hair is so thin, just like my sister’s.” “You have ears like your mother.” “You’re chunky like me.” More often parents don’t mention their feelings aloud, yet still may be bothered by aspects of their child’s appearance.

The child who is the unfortunate target of such comments will feel unhappy and singled out among her siblings. If she hears these messages often enough, she’ll internalize them: “I’m not smart.” “I’m not pretty.” “I’m not good at sports.” She may behave as though what she’s heard is true. Her siblings, who have escaped their parents’ criticism, will not have such negative self-images.

Siblings also may develop strong differences if one seems to be favored by her parents. For example, if parents believe one child is prettier than the other and express that belief to both, one will grow up feeling worthwhile while the other will feel less valued and less attractive.

Sometimes parents focus too much attention, time, or money on one child; this can have a negative impact on the other children in the family. If a child sees her brother receive attention and praise for his athletic ability, she will look for a way to get attention for herself. She may try to compete with him, but that’s unlikely if she feels she can’t match him. Rather than risks having her parents compare her performance to his, she may give up on sports altogether.

Instead, she’ll try to find another way to distinguish herself. She may try art or dancing or develop a charming or funny manner. However, if she can’t get enough positive attention from her parents, she might seek negative attention, perhaps developing a behavioral problem at home and school. The unhappier she becomes, the more likely she is to become careless with her schoolwork, family, and peers, and the less likely she’ll be to get positive feedback from her parents. Her experience will be very different from her sibling’s.

Parents sometimes deliberately steer their kids in different directions, often to avoid possible conflicts and competition. If an older child enrolls in dance class, her parents may discourage her younger sibling from doing the same for fear one will outshine the other. Some parents were raised in competitive households and want to spare their children the experience of failing to match a sibling. However, when parents keep one child from pursuing her interest, they rob her of a chance for enjoyment and accomplishment.

Siblings can successfully participate in the same activities as long as their parents don’t focus on competition between them or praise one and not the other. Even if one is better, there will always be something good to say about each. Both should be encouraged.

Although it’s intriguing and important to consider the differences between your children, it’s also important to deal with the differences carefully. Accept each as she is, nurture her, and encourage her to pursue activities that she enjoys and is good at. Don’t push and pull her in directions she can’t or doesn’t want to go. Remember not to compare your children out loud. They’ll hear your comparisons as judgments, and one will end up feeling superior or inferior to the other.

It’s natural to feel disappointed in your children at times: “He’s not the ball player I’d hoped he’d be.” “I wish she’d been a boy.” “I wish she were more sociable.” Try to accept what disappoints you. It’s emotionally unhealthy for your children to hear your negative evaluations. They’ll wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why couldn’t I be like my sister?”

The best way to treat differences is matter-of-factly and with respect: “Sam enjoys reading.” “Julie likes gymnastics.” Your kids will be affected throughout their lives by the way you view them. If you set the right tone, they’ll follow your lead and learn to appreciate and accept differences as a natural part of life. As a result, they’ll grow up feeling good about their siblings and themselves.

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Parents spend a great deal of time worrying about being consistent (“Should I always enforce family rules? Should I give in after I’ve said no?”), but there’s really only one thing they have to be absolutely consistent about – letting their child know he’s loved, valued, and important. A child who grows up hearing that message will develop a healthy self-image. A child who doesn’t will have negative feelings about himself.

Parents can’t compromise when it comes to giving their child feedback about his basic nature and worth. He needs to hear again and again that his parents accept him as he is, with his strengths and weaknesses, personality, interests, and appearance. Parents should encourage their child to feel good about himself and his capabilities.

That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t show anger and disappointment when their child misbehaves. Parents have to set limits and tell their child what they expect. In fact, when they do set limits, they let him know they care a great deal about him and the way he acts.

However, there’s a big difference between expressing disapproval of misbehavior and expressing general disapproval of a child. For whatever reasons, some parents have a hard time accepting their child. They may have unrealistically high expectations and, as a result, constantly feel that he is failing. They themselves may have received negative messages as children and may now unconsciously treat their child as they were treated.

Some parents appear to favor one of their children over another. Although it may be easy to say, “I wish you were more like your brother,” or, “I wish you did as well in science as your sister,” parents should recognize the harm such statements cause. Rather than motivate a child to do better, these comparisons, with their implied put-downs, make him feel bad about himself and angry. He may only be motivated to get back at the sibling who seems to enjoy more parental approval.

To see how important feedback is to self-image, consider the way you were treated as a child. If your parents valued you as a lovable, worthwhile person, you probably entered adulthood feeling good about yourself. If you received negative messages, you’ve probably struggled at times with a poor self-image.

What your child needs from you is acceptance, praise, and compliments on his strengths. If he never seems to please you, reconsider your expectations. They may be too high, or your parenting style may be too demanding and high-pressured. You may find that, by being more realistic, you’re better able to accept him as he is and give consistent, positive messages.

As you think about his self-concept, you may be worried if he’s shy. It’s a common belief that a shy child has a negative self-image, but that’s often not the case. Many children who are reserved by nature are as confident as their more outgoing peers. One teacher told a parent, “You daughter may be quiet, but she’s certainly confident when it comes to doing her work and making friends.” Let your shy child know that you love him as much as you love his more extroverted siblings, and that he has as much to offer. As a result, he’ll develop a healthy self-image.

A child with low self-esteem will exhibit a number of symptoms. Rather than say he feels bad about himself, he might struggle with friendships, compete excessively with peers and siblings, misbehave, and not work up to his ability in school.

If you’re concerned about his self-image or have questions about the impact your attitudes have on him, talk to a school counselor or therapist. It’s much easier to resolve a child’s negative feelings when he’s young than it is to wait until the adolescent years.

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All children occasionally act in selfish, spoiled ways. They make demands without consideration for people or circumstances: “Why can’t I have Barbie with the beach clothes now?” Still, most six- to nine-year-olds, most of the time, have reasonable expectations and, are learning to think about other people’s feelings and needs. “Spoiled” children are the ones who remain almost totally self-centered and focused on their own desires, possessions, and activities.

A child who’s constantly overindulged often will act spoiled. She might be so used to getting her way that she feels entitled to do as she wishes. This can happen if parents fail to set limits on her behavior, or fail to follow through when she acts in unacceptable ways.

She also can be overindulged with material objects. Owning many toys does not necessarily make her spoiled; children with lots of possessions can be loving and considerate. However, if parents constantly give without reinforcing positive values, they may unconsciously encourage their child to behave in socially unacceptable ways. She may come to expect more and more and find that what she already owns has little meaning.

Some parents have a hard time controlling their buying. They may enjoy giving to their child or feel that buying presents is the only way to please her. Some parents give out of guilt—they may not offer their child the attention she needs, so they buy gifts instead. Even when parents know they’re overindulging her, they may rationalize their actions: “She’s only a kid for a short time.” “Why not? We can afford it.”

The danger in continually overindulging a child is that she might come to expect it. She may grow up unable to handle disappointment or tolerate situations that don’t go her way. Since parents want their child to become a caring, strong person capable of taking care of herself, they should avoid treating her in overindulgent ways.

They should set limits on her negative behavior. They should act as positive role models, showing her how to graciously accept and offer kindness, and how to deal with disappointment. Although it’s not always easy, they should teach her to appreciate what she has, respect friends and siblings, find pleasure in learning and physical activity, and consider those more needy than she. If she grows up with basic values, she won’t act spoiled no matter how many possessions she has.

If you feel your child is becoming too self-centered, evaluate your relationship with her. Are you spending as much time as you should together? Are you available to hear about her needs, ideas, and worries?

If you believe that you buy her too many things, gradually cut back so both you and she can get used to a new level of giving. Although you may be disappointed with her attitude, avoid labeling her “spoiled.” She may act more selfish than you’d like, but she has good traits that may be overshadowed if you concentrate on one negative characteristic. Instead, talk about areas she needs help with: “I want you to take better care of your toys.” “I’d like you to stop interrupting your sister.” “You need to be more accepting when things don’t go your way.” If you do this, she may be less defensive and more willing to change.

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“Be quiet, Dad. You never let me do anything!”

“I wish Seth’s mom was my mother. She lets him stay up late.”

“You’re not fair! Leave me alone!”

When a child is allowed to spontaneously express his anger, he may say rude, hurtful things without considering his parents’ feelings. In the heat of the moment, he can forget all they do for him. He also may ignore their attempts to reason with him. While one father was telling his daughter why she couldn’t go outside after dinner, she was writing an angry note: “Dear Dad, other kids get to do things they want. I’m so mad at you. I’m never talking to you again.”

Anger at parents is a normal part of growing up. Learning how to express negative feelings in socially acceptable ways takes time. It also takes patience on the part of parents. Yet many parents react harshly to their child’s rudeness: “Don’t you dare talk to me that way!” “I don’t want to hear that tone of voice.” If parents overreact toward their child for his disrespectful words, he may learn that feeling angry is bad and that angry thought shouldn’t be spoken. A child who isn’t allowed to show his feelings may never learn to express anger appropriately.

While some parents overreact, others feel helpless when faced with outbursts: “Should we allow this behavior?” “Why does he talk this way?” “Am I setting enough limits?” Many parents grew up with strong restrictions on their speech: “Don’t ever say that again. It’s not nice.” They may be reluctant to impose similar controls on their child’s expressions of anger, yet they feel uncomfortable listening to him say things they would never have said as children.

Your child needs a chance to speak his angry thoughts, but you also need to put limits on how he expresses himself. If certain words or attitudes are unacceptable to you, tell him: “It’s all right for you to be mad at me, but you’ll have to change your tone of voice.” “When you stop name-calling, I’ll be happy to listen to you.” “I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.” “You’ll have to find another way to tell me about being angry.” Not only do such statements guide him toward better ways of expressing anger, but they demonstrate a respectful way of communicating that you’d eventually like him to adopt.

If, as often happens, you can’t respond calmly when he’s rude, walk away or get involved in another activity. Save your discussion for later. Eventually his anger will subside, even if he doesn’t get what he originally wanted. His angry words will have helped him release his feelings. And since anger doesn’t feel good for very long, once he has expressed himself he may quickly become friendly again.

As you help him control the way he speaks to you, consider his age; a six- or seven-year-old lacks the communication skills of an eight- or nine-year-old. Also, remember that he is greatly influenced by your behavior. If you expect him to speak respectfully, offer examples. Don’t say, “Get over here this minute!” “Stop acting like a baby.” “Don’t be stupid.” Instead, treat him as you would like him to treat others.

He allows his anger to surface because he trusts you’ll love him in spite of his temper and words. Both he and you desire to live in harmony. With patience, limits, and guidance, he should learn to express most of his feelings appropriately. However, if you become concerned that he can’t control his anger, consider seeking outside help such as a parenting class. The way you treat this issue now will set the tone for communication with your child later during his teenage years.

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By the time a child is in elementary school, her parents and teachers expect her to be considerate of others. Over the years they’ve spent a great deal of time (usually unsuccessfully) reinforcing the need to be thoughtful. During those early years, however, the child was developmentally egocentric and therefore incapable of considering other people’s points of view. Now, she’s old enough to understand, yet she may continue to seem self-centered and selfish, leaving her parents to feel they’ve failed: “How did we create a child who only cares about herself?”

A look at typical behavior may help parents see that it takes a long time for children to become consistently thoughtful. Many six- to nine-year-olds continue to act, at times, in self-centered ways. They can be uncaring to each other, particularly verbally: “You don’t know how to jump rope.” “You think you know everything.” “I don’t want to play with you!” They sometimes make themselves feel better by putting others down.

They may form groups that thoughtlessly exclude others. Sometimes a leader is chosen who assigns tasks and roles to a lucky few and tells everyone else they can’t play. Some groups pick on a particular child, seemingly oblivious to the misery they cause.

Children also continue to show self-centered behavior when they become overly competitive. As soon as one child finishes describing her plans or possessions, another may counter with something (real or made up) that is much bigger and better.

Kids don’t confine their selfishness to peers. At home, parents hear, “You’re the worst Mom in the world.” At times, their child may expect kindness but offers little back. She may also hurt her siblings’ feelings and exclude them: “You can’t play with us when my friends are over.”

Why do children act this way when their parents try so hard to teach them thoughtfulness? Development is gradual, but by the time they enter elementary school, most have come a long way from the self-centered behavior of preschoolers.

Parents often set high standards and demand that their child act in mature ways before she’s ready. It’s right and appropriate that parents expect her to be considerate, but it’s unrealistic to assume that an early elementary-aged child will be considerate all the time.

If parents are concerned about their child’s selfishness, they should look not just at isolated incidents, but at her overall pattern of behavior at home, school, and while visiting others. Does she generally think about other people’s feelings? When her parents remind her about being considerate, does she listen? Does she play what her friends want her to? Is she tolerant of her friends’ views? Is she interested in other children’s ideas? Does she share? Does she display appropriate manners with adults outside the family? If parents can answer, “Yes, most of the time,” for an eight- or nine-year-old, or, “Yes, often,” for a six- or seven-year-old, their child is on the right track.

When they’re worried, they can talk to their child’s teacher. A child, who seems self-centered at home, where she feels most comfortable, may be quite considerate with teachers and peers at school. If that’s the case, parents can relax. Their message is getting through and she’s learning to think of others.

Parents can learn more about her behavior by observing other kids of the same age. A particularly good way to do this is by accompanying a class field trip. When parents see how other children act, they gain insight and understanding and can better judge how self-centered their own child is compared with her peers.

When you observe her acting in self-centered ways, let her know what you expect. She learns by listening to you and watching you. Place firm limits on her selfish behavior: “I won’t allow you to talk to your friend that way.” “If you want to talk to me, you’ll have to change your tone.”

Have a calm discussion with her (this will be more successful with your seven- to nine- year- old then with a six-year-old). Explain how you’d like her to behave toward others and let her express her positive and negative feelings. When she believes you’re listening, she’ll be more likely to hear and absorb what you have to say. Role-playing can be effective. You should take her part and let her play the role of another child. When you say, “No, I won’t play with you,” ask how that makes her feel. Then, still role-playing, try to find solutions: “Is there something we can play together?” “Would you like to play ball with me?”

Remember to be thoughtful and considerate yourself. In interactions with your child, your spouse, and others, be respectful so she’ll have appropriate behavior to imitate. Encourage her to help others. She can occasionally contribute part of her allowance to charity, go with you to buy groceries for a bed-ridden neighbor, or help pick out toys and food for the needy.

Praise her when she thinks about other people and let her know how much you love her. A child who fails to live up to her parents expectations feels unsuccessful and may misbehave out of frustration. A child who feels good about herself is comfortable extending herself to others in a caring way.

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Children are familiar with curse words. They learn them from peers, siblings, and parents and they hear them on TV and at the movies. They partly experiment with these words to see the effects on playmates and parents. They whisper the words on the playground and tell stories about kids who got in trouble for saying bad things. Using profanity makes a child feel “tough” and grown up. It can also impress his friends and make him feel part of his peer group.

While most kids are interested in profanity, they also know that it’s unacceptable. They’ve heard their parents’ warnings. They often tattle on each other: “Phillip called me the ‘B’ word today!” “Anton said a dirty word!” They certainly wouldn’t use curse words with teachers, and they rarely would with other adults outside the home.

They do, however, occasionally use profanity in their own homes, often in the same ways that adults do, to show anger and frustration. Unlike adults, though, kids say curse words infrequently, quietly, and with a guilty look that shows they know they’re doing something wrong. As long as parents see those signs of guilt, they shouldn’t worry about their child’ profanity. He’s only trying out the words.

Some parents accept the occasional curse word at home, considering their child’s experimentation harmless. Others won’t allow any profanity in their home. Whatever your feelings, be assured that, as long as he knows profanity is unacceptable, you have no cause for alarm. If, however, he shows no signs of guilt about using curse words, or uses such words frequently, you should give more thought to the issue.

He may use profanity because he needs more positive attention than he’s getting from you and his friends. Cursing is a way of getting noticed, and to a child who feels neglected, negative attention is better than none at all. He also might be using profanity because you aren’t giving him a clear enough message that it’s wrong. Set firm limits on his use of curse words and follow through if he ignores your warnings.

There’s one more reason your child may use excessive profanity—he may hear you use it so often that it seems natural to him. In order to stop him, you have to monitor your own language and act as a model for him.

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