Category Ask the Psychologist

Parents spend a lot of time teaching their children to tell the truth. Most early elementary-aged children have learned not to tell serious lies, although they may continue to exaggerate and tell “little white lies.”

A number of factors help children learn to be truthful. First, most parents put strong limits on lying. Second, kids find that the consequences of lying include the temporary loss of parental acceptance and affection. Since they care very much about pleasing their parents, they’re reluctant to risk losing their approval. Third, when children know lying is wrong they feel guilty about doing it. Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling and a strong deterrent to negative behavior. Kids also resist lying when they discover it doesn’t get them what they hoped it would. And finally, they learn to be honest when the consequences of lying are worse than the consequences of telling the truth.

All children distort the truth to some extent, usually in minor ways. After all, they’re exposed daily to examples of questionable honesty. Parents say, “I’ll be off the phone in a minute,” and then they talk half an hour longer. Teachers say, “I’ll get to you soon,” but they leave the child waiting. Television commercials promise exciting toys, but children discover that the products don’t actually work or meet expectations. After watching a commercial, one child said, “They’re lying about what that doll does and you’re not supposed to lie.” They also hear adults telling intentional white lies and offering false excuses: “I’m so sorry I can’t make the meeting tonight, but I’m not feeling well,” or, “Sorry officer, I wasn’t aware I was speeding.”

The “minor” lies children tell often involved things they don’t want to do, such as brush their teeth or take a shower. A child will say, “Yes, I washed my hands,” when she hasn’t. Kids also commonly lie when confronted with open-ended questions from teachers or other authority figures (“Jason, were you playing around?” “Maria, are you wasting time over there?”). Many children will answer “No” because they hope to avoid a reprimand and believe they won’t get in trouble for lying in such a situation. The teacher will usually respond to a child’s “No” with only a reminder (“You need to get back to work,”) or the offer of a distraction (“You should start on your art project now.”).

Another common sort of lying occurs among peers. One child exaggerates or lies about her possessions because she wants to have the same things her friends have. She lies to give herself a sense of belonging. Others lie out of a competitive desire to impress their peers. Parents often overhear six- to nine-year-old making outrageous claims about their possessions and abilities. Sometimes such fibs lead to fights. The threat of losing friends may be enough to make a child tell the truth.

Although most children distort the truth occasionally, some continue to tell serious, frequent lies. They may do this because they find their parents’ discipline too threatening. If the consequences of misbehaving are very harsh, a child will lie to avoid them. And if parents impose heavy punishments for lying about the misbehavior, she may be even more afraid to admit the truth. She may reason that it’s better to lie on the chance that she’ll get away with it than to tell the truth and face certain, severe punishment. When she is confronted with her misbehavior and her lie, she may still refuse to tell the truth because the consequences are too frightening. She may instead blame a sibling or friend rather than face the inevitable confrontation. Basically, she tries to protect herself by denying the facts.

Parents whose child lies out of fear need to reevaluate the discipline they’re imposing. If they can deal with their child less harshly, she may eventually feel safe enough to tell the truth. They should continue to set limits and consequences for lying, but the limits and consequences have to be fair. If they’re excessive, she will continue to view lying as the better alternative.

Parents, of course, often find themselves in a bind. They want to punish misbehavior and reward honesty. But if their child is honest about misbehaving, the end result, from the child’s point of view, is negative. She still has to face the consequences. Parents have to handle this dilemma by evaluating each situation separately and making a special point of reinforcing honesty.

The way you talk to your child about lying is important. Instead of angrily shouting, “You’re lying again!” show some understanding of her position. Say, for example, “1 think you made up that story because you were afraid I’d get mad at you,” or, “Sometimes people don’t tell the truth because they’re worried about, getting in trouble,” or, “I think you lied because you thought, 1 wouldn’t let, you go to your friend’s birthday party.” if you’ve been overly harsh in your punishment, discuss that with her. Tell her you realize you’ve been getting too upset. Say, “I should be more patient with you.” She needs reassurance that you can accept the truth without, becoming excessively angry.

If you’ve eased up on your reactions and she’s still lying, look at other aspects of her life. Is she having problems in school? Is she able to make friends? Is she getting enough positive attention at home? Observe her at play and ask her teacher for observations and suggestions. Tell your child what you expect of her and talk about the effects her lies have on other children. As long as her lying isn’t excessive, you don’t need to worry. Just watch her behavior, reinforce examples of honesty, and continue talking about telling the truth.

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Aggression can be a positive or a negative trait in children, depending on how it’s channeled. Some aggressive kids start fights, while others put their energy into sports and hobbies. An aggressive child may be adventurous, taking risks and making discoveries, or he may be merely reckless. He may excel in school by putting extra effort into all his work or he may do poorly in school because of bad behavior.

Parents don’t worry about a child who is positively aggressive. He will be rewarded for his energy, enthusiasm, and drive. What parents do worry about is a child who, at six to nine years old, is belligerent and offensive to others.

Children who were aggressive as preschoolers often show less negative behavior as they get older because their energy is focused on school, friends, play, and organized activities. Still, many early elementary-aged children show occasional aggression and some are consistently rough. Parents need to watch and carefully control children’s aggressive behavior.

First, they should clearly tell their child what is and isn’t appropriate. A child doesn’t know how to act if his parents send confusing messages. Some try to excuse their child’s aggression by saying, ‘Oh, that’s just how boys act,” or, “At least he doesn’t hide his feelings.” Such attitudes don’t teach him that his negative behavior is unacceptable.

Instead of being ambiguous, they should tell him that fighting, hitting, and using abusive language is unacceptable: “I absolutely won’t allow you to behave that way.” Parents also should state the consequences of negative behavior so he knows what to expect: “If you treat Nick roughly, you’ll have to come inside.”

It’s important for parents to find the source of their child’s aggression. He may be copying abuses he sees or receives at home. If parents fight with each other, their child may fight with his siblings or peers, either to imitate his parents or to alleviate his feelings of fear, anger, and helplessness. If he doesn’t believe he can get away with open fighting, he might become sneaky about it. And if he feels his parents won’t listen to his feelings or change the way they treat him, he may act out his frustration in aggressive ways.

Some children are aggressive due to problems at school or because they generally feel inferior. They attack others to feel more powerful. Siblings sometimes fight because they think they’re being treated unfairly or because their parents actually do treat them in ways that encourage aggression, perhaps by favoring one or belittling another. The roots of aggression are sometimes difficult to find. If aggressive behavior continues over a long period, parents may need the guidance of a professional counselor.

In most cases, however, positive action taken by parents is enough to help a child control his behavior. They can offer him alternative ways to release his aggressive feelings and they can become role models for him.

If your child has a lot of aggressive energy, involve him in activities such as gymnastics, soccer, basketball, or another sport that will offer him a natural physical release for his emotions. When he’s angry, he can’t hit a friend, but he can kick a ball.

Talk to him about acceptable ways to express his feelings: “When you’re angry enough to hit your brother, you have to let him know with words, not actions. Tell him what’s making you so mad.” “If you feel yourself getting out of control, don’t hit—come to me for help.”

Let him see how you handle aggressive feelings in your own life. Show him how you talk out your problems, take time to cool off, or go for a walk until you feel calm. Kids imitate their parents and, if you can model appropriate behavior, he will learn from you.

Watch as he interacts with others. He may be aggressive in a playful way, tugging on a friend’s shirt, teasing, pretending to be in a wrestling match, or calling out insults. If the aggression seems benign, don’t interfere. But such behavior can escalate, and even if the tone stays playful, your child’s aggression can become very annoying to others. If you see that happening, firmly step in: “Suzanne doesn’t want you to push her like that.”

You can try to distract him and his friends with a new activity or different topic of conversation: “Come on in for a snack,” “Why don’t you show Sandy your new game?” “What did you think of the movie you saw last night?”

If distraction doesn’t work, you have to take control. Place limits on his aggressive behavior and tell him you expect him to change the way he acts with his friends. The combination of your anger and your ground rules – “No rough play or hitting” – may help him moderate his actions.

He may simply not yet have the inner controls to halt his aggressive behavior. That may be true even if he wants to change the way he acts. Until he acquires control, he will need you to offer guidelines and set limits.

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Disciplining is a difficult job that gets a little easier when children reach the early elementary years. Six- to nine-year-olds have integrated many of the rules they’ve heard over and over, and they usually behave in socially acceptable ways. As they get older, they need fewer reminders, their impulsive exploration slows down, and they give more thought to what they’re doing. They also become more capable of listening to reason. Parents of a six- to nine-year-old can reasonably expect her to consider other people’s feelings, behave well in public, give of herself, and share with others.

Of course, the need for discipline continues. The purpose is to get children thinking about their misbehavior so they won’t repeatedly do things they shouldn’t. Setting limits is still one of parents’ major responsibilities. Unfortunately, some parents don’t deal with their child’s misbehavior. They may be overwhelmed by their own stressful situations or feel they can’t control her and thus give up trying. Other parents don’t discipline because they’re afraid of making their child unhappy or angrier and more unmanageable. Whatever the reasons, parents who don’t set limits do their child a great disservice. They also reinforce unacceptable behavior as she quickly learns she can act as she wants without significant rebuke or punishment.

All parents must set limits. Kids need to know what is and isn’t acceptable and that there are consequences for bad actions. The consequences don’t always have to involve punishment. Often, kids feel a surge of guilt over wrongdoing: “It really was an accident. I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to do it.” Such uncomfortable feelings may keep a child from repeating certain actions. Her parents can say, “I see you feel bad about what happened on the playground; now remember to play more carefully.” When the child’s guilty feelings don’t deter her from misbehavior, her parents have to state the consequences: “If you don’t stop fighting with Cara, you’ll have to go to your room.” Depending on the nature of her actions, the consequences can be stronger: “If this continues, you can’t play with your friends after school.” Parents usually know which disciplinary methods work best. Taking privileges away from one child might be effective, while another just needs to hear the threat. Some children respond best to being separated from the family for a “time out” in another room.

Many adults use the same disciplinary methods their own parents used: “They spanked me and I turned out OK. Why shouldn’t I do the same to my child?” Yet, if parents remember the feelings they once had – especially humiliation and resentment – they may recognize that there are better ways to discipline children. They should not follow the examples of their own pasts if the examples include spanking, slapping, or verbal abuse.

Effective discipline is neither harsh nor lenient. Harsh punishment, including spanking and other physical punishment, makes children angry and resentful. They aren’t motivated to change their behavior, only to sneak and manipulate and try to get away with more misbehavior. They’ll think about the unfairness of the punishment rather than their own actions. At the other extreme, discipline that’s too lenient is ineffective. A chronically misbehaving child who only has to say a fast “I’m sorry” or tolerate a brief, easy punishment, won’t learn to control her misbehavior. Parents shouldn’t be too quick to forgive and to renew their child’s privileges.

Kids may misbehave because they want more attention paid to their words, interests, and activities. A child who feels left out or unconnected – perhaps because of family problems, a new baby at home, sibling rivalry, or a mother’s return to work – may seek negative attention if that’s all she can get. For example, one sibling may fight frequently with her brother because she feels he gets more of their parents’ time. Then her anger and jealousy might be directed at him.

Sometimes children act out their frustration and sense of helplessness by misbehaving because they’re unhappy, insecure, or unsuccessful in school. In such a situation, parents should talk with the teacher, consider tutoring, offer more encouragement, and closely monitor their child’s progress and behavior.

As you discipline your child, you should look for the source of her misbehavior; otherwise, you’ll spend time treating the symptoms rather than the cause of the problem. You may see dramatic changes in behavior when you give your child more time and positive attention or when you address situations that are troubling for her: a difficult school year, problems with friends, uneasy sibling relationships.

If you’re unhappy with your child’s behavior, set limits, of course, but also talk to her. When she shares her feelings about specific problems you’ll gain insight into her behavior. You also can reason with her: “When you act that way, Matthew feels left out. I don’t think you’d feel good if you were in his position.” Ask, “What can you do to change your behavior?”

Be flexible and give encouragement and praise to reinforce positive actions. If you worry about how her behavior is viewed by other adults, take comfort in the fact that kids who misbehave at home often don’t misbehave when they’re out. More struggles take place between parent and child than between child and peers or child and other adults. A child who says, “You’re mean!” to her parents usually knows it’s unacceptable to say that to her teacher or her friends’ parents. All people act and express themselves differently in the comfort of their homes.

Discipline is a difficult issue. If you’re concerned about your child’s behavior or unsure of your own ability to set limits, take parenting classes on discipline or consult with a professional who understands child development. Such specialists can help guide you in the appropriate direction.

Parents in the midst of separation or divorce can easily feel overwhelmed. They must deal with their own emotional, legal, and financial problems and often have little energy left for their children. Yet, children suffer greatly during a divorce and need special attention just at a time when parents are least able to give it.

When parents are caught up in a divorce, they often don’t see their child’s distress clearly. They may feel helpless and guilty and, as a result, deny his needs: “He’ll be fine.” “The kids’ll keep busy.” “Their father worked such long hours; he didn’t spend much time with them anyway.” “He was an awful father. They’ll hardly miss him.”

Kids often don’t ask directly for help or reassurance. Instead, they may act sad, angry, and frustrated. Siblings will fight, cry, and whine more, or may do poorly in school. Children who act as though everything’s fine are simply keeping their anxious feelings inside.

Divorce can cause lifelong strain for children. They can grow up to distrust all relationships and fear being hurt. The roots of such emotional damage lie in the way children think about and experience divorce.

Often they blame themselves for the separation. They know that parents sometimes argue about child rearing, and they feel responsible for their parents’ fights: “If only I’d been good.” “If only I’d listened more.” Children also believe that their wishes are very powerful. Since they’ve sometimes had negative thoughts about their parents, they can believe those thoughts caused the divorce.

Related to this is a child’s intense desire to have his parents back together. If bad wishes can cause a divorce, can’t good wishes reunite two people? Even when the relationship was tense, argumentative, or abusive, the child will likely want them to stay together. And much as parents may want his approval for the divorce, he won’t believe that living apart is best. Instead, he’ll talk, dream, and wish for a reconciliation, and when one doesn’t come, he might feel angry at himself for his powerlessness and angry at his parents for ignoring his desires.

Parents have to deal with these feelings. There should be open communication between them and their children, and a sense that sad and angry thoughts are acceptable. Kids should talk and parents should listen and reflect back what they’ve heard: “It sounds like you think it’s your fault Dad and I don’t live together anymore.” After a child has expressed his feelings, parents have to continually reassure him.

Children need to ask lots of questions and parents should listen and respond, even when it’s very difficult: “Where will Daddy live? Will we see him? Why can’t he sleep here? Will he ever live here again?”  “If Mom was the only woman in the world, would you marry her again?”

Since he learns that his parents have stopped loving each other, he’ll worry at times that they’ll stop loving him, too. He needs to hear that both parents love him very much, and that, no matter how angry the parent he lives with is, he or she will never leave him. He’ll also want to know he can continue his relationships with grandparents and other relatives who’ve been close to him.

It’s important (now and throughout his childhood) for him to have regular, frequent communication and visits with the parent not living at home. A child loves both parents and will have an easier time adjusting if he sees the one not living with him often. Parents should reject the impulse to belittle each other or try to get their child to take sides. Although this can be very difficult if the divorce was bitter, parents must keep their child’s needs in mind. If he’s put in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war he’ll feel pressured, guilty, and disloyal.

As you help your child, offer him outlets for his feelings and try to smooth the way as much as possible. Talk to his teacher and ask for his or her support. Help your child tell his friends about the divorce. He might be ashamed to talk to his peers about it because it makes him different and more vulnerable.

Offer him books about children dealing with divorce and suggest that he write his feelings down. Be comforting when he cries or asks for extra hugs and attention.

If you’re the primary caregiver, you may find it very difficult to provide him with the support he wants. You may be overworked and emotionally drained. At times, tell him that you can’t pay attention to him: “I’m feeling sad right now. Can I help you a little later?” He may be considerate for a while, but eventually he’ll return for reassurance. You also can try distracting him since, despite the divorce; he’ll continue to have outside interests. If you do have to postpone talking to him, remember to make time later.

Since you’ll be busy and carrying a bigger work load without your spouse, you might be tempted to put some of the burden on your child. The period during and immediately after a divorce is not the time to give him additional chores or responsibilities. He might especially resent doing jobs his absent parent did.

Whatever you do to try and ease your child’s way, understand that you can’t fully keep him from suffering because of your divorce. Take his emotional responses seriously and get help for him and for yourself. Many parents and children have found individual or group counseling useful.

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Moving can be exciting. It also can be very stressful. There are upheavals, physical work, and sad separations for the whole family. As parents pack up toys, Photographs, and clothes, they often feel nostalgic. As a child says good-bye to his room, his favorite play spots, and his friends, he may wonder what his life will be like.

The success of a move depends on the circumstances involved. Families moving because of divorce, unexpected job transfer, job loss, illness, or death face pressures and burdens not shared by those moving under happier circumstances. A family moving to a familiar neighborhood will have an easier time than one going to a strange city or state.

Parents’ attitudes greatly influence the success of a move, since a child will often adopt their viewpoints as his own. If they’re cheerful about going to a new home, he’ll accept inevitable changes more easily than if they’re nervous and upset.

His move will go most smoothly if he doesn’t have to change schools. If he can spend his school hours with familiar teachers and friends, he can concentrate on the nice things about his new home: his bedroom, a nearby park, a bike trail. Some parents who make a mid-school-term move to a nearby community let their child finish the year in his old school. That way, he can be comfortable in class while meeting new neighborhood children.

Because parents get caught up in the physical demands of moving, they often don’t take time to reassure and support their child. They may believe all kids are resilient and have an easy time adjusting: “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” “You’ll make lots of new friends.” “Second grade is the same no matter where you go.” Yet, leaving familiar surroundings can upset any child.

The best way parents can help their child is by listening to him talk about the move. If he can express his fears, anger, and sadness, he’ll feel better. If he believes his negative feelings are unacceptable, he’ll hide them and express his anxiety in other ways. He may lose his appetite, act moody and sensitive, whine, cry frequently, or fight more with his siblings.

Encourage him to talk about moving. Ask questions: “What’s the best part about moving? What don’t you like?” “What can I do to make this easier for you?” Show that you understand his feelings: “I know it’s hard to leave our house. You’ll really miss your friends, won’t you?” Talk about the separations he’ll experience. He may be upset about leaving grandparents, cousins, a baby-sitter, or teacher. Let him know he can stay in contact with people who are special to him.

Before you pack, take photographs or videos of each room in your house, and ask your child if he’d like to be in those pictures. Help him plan a farewell with his friends. He may want children over for a party or outdoor snacks and games. He may decide to make cards for friends or offer them a treasure from his room.

He may want to help with the packing, or he may want nothing to do with the process. You shouldn’t insist on his help. As you pack his belongings, don’t get rid of his things without asking him. He may still feel attached to playthings he’s outgrown and, if the move is difficult for him, he may not want to part with any possessions: “I’m keeping everything!” If he feels this way, put all the items you’d like to discard in a box, take them to the new house, and, after he has adjusted, ask which ones he’d like to keep.

Immediately after the move, resume important family rituals like bedtime stories, evening snacks, and breakfast with the whole family. Show him his new school and set up an appointment to visit the principal and tour the building. Enroll him in after-school activities or sports where he’ll meet new kids while doing things he enjoys. And remember, in the midst of unpacking, he needs extra time reassurance, and love.

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At some point, every child is the victim of teasing. Classmates pick on each other: “You don’t know how to multiply yet!” “Kevin has a girlfriend!” Siblings insult each other: “You’re so dumb!” “Your ears stick out like Dumbo!” Occasional harassment is an inevitable part of growing up. However, when a child is consistently picked on at home, at school, or in the neighborhood, this is a serious situation and parents need to intervene.

Parents often have mixed feelings when their child is regularly picked on or bullied: “Is he really so different from the others?” They wonder if they could have shaped his personality differently. Should they have put more emphasis on fighting back? They may wish their child could tolerate a “normal” amount of teasing or stick up for himself: “It’s a tough world out there and you have to learn to get along.” Sometimes his predicament stirs up unhappy memories for them: “I used to get picked on for being short.”

Despite their feelings, a child who’s picked on needs his parents’ help. If he’s teased too often, his self-esteem will be affected. He may come to view himself as his peers do and believe he deserves to be bullied. Then his behavior will encourage other children to continue taking advantage of him.

Sometimes he actually invites bullying as a way to get attention. If he feels unlikable or friendless, he may believe any recognition is better than none. He might laugh at himself because he sees no other way out: “See, I’m fat as a pig.”

More often, kids are singled out because they’re vulnerable or perceived to be different. A child may be picked on because of his weight, height, hair style, clothing, lack of athletic ability, or interest. He may be picked on simply because he lacks strong defenders and is therefore an easy target.

Why do any children look for a victim? In some cases, the ones who pick on others have never been consistently reminded to think or care about another person’s feelings. In other cases, they may be strong competitors who need to feel bigger and better at everything. Often, kids who bully others are themselves bullied at home. They may be put down by harsh or inflexible parents or attacked by siblings. Feeling powerless, they seek release by treating someone else as they’ve been treated.

 If your child complains about being picked on, first reassure him: “No one likes to be teased. You wouldn’t treat someone that way because you know how bad it feels.” Let him know that you won’t just leave him to fend for himself. Then together, find ways to make the situation better.

Gather as much information as you can. If you suspect he’s being victimized, but find him reluctant to discuss it, talk to him about hypothetical cases or your own experiences: “Sometimes kids make fun of someone just because she likes different things.” “When I was your age, some boys used to tease me on the bus.”

Ask your child how he thinks he might solve his problem. He may come up with usable ideas: tease back, walk away, tell the teacher or another adult, or get a friend to help out. If he’s worried that defending himself will get him into more difficulties, discuss his fears: “What do you think will happen if you tease Bonnie back?” Offer encouragement: “I think if you ignore Matthew’s teasing, it will make him uncomfortable. He’ll probably get tired of bothering you if he doesn’t get any attention for it.”

Role playing may be an effective method of problem-solving. Create situations similar to your child’s: “Imagine I’m Jimmy and I say, ‘you stink at throwing ball.’ What can you do or say to stop me from repeating things like that?”

If he’s picked on at school, you should contact his teacher. She may not be aware of what’s going on, particularly if your child is harassed on the bus or during lunch or outdoor play.

When neighborhood kids tease your child, you can deal with them directly. Watch closely and set limits on their behavior: “You’ll have to stop bothering Phillip.” “If you want to play here, you can’t pick on these kids.” If there’s an opportunity, you can talk to seven- to nine year-olds about what it feels like to be picked on and suggest ways they can control their behavior.

You also may want to call the parents of a child who consistently bullies. They may be unaware of their child’s actions. Although the discussion might be awkward, work at trying to gain the parents’ cooperation: “I hope we’ll be able to help each other out.”

While you’re helping your child deal with his harassers, encourage him to form new friendships. If he’s secure in a circle of friends, he’ll be less vulnerable to teasing.

If your child continues to be picked on, you probably need to examine the relationships in your family. Does your child allow himself—or do you allow him—to be picked on by his siblings? If so, he may similarly allow himself to be picked on by his peers. Are all people in your family treated equally and with respect? Are put-downs common at home? Are you available to notice family interactions? Do you stress harmony in the family? Are you tolerant of differences among your children? Do you point out your child’s strengths and compliment his abilities? Is there too much stress in the home?

If you’ve tried a number of strategies without success, you may finally have to consider some big changes to remove him from harassment. One couple moved to a new neighborhood with more compatible families and found their child was much happier. Another family, unable to affect the behavior of a group of school bullies, put their daughter in a new school. The mother said, “It felt like we gave her a new start in life.”

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