Category Ask the Psychologist

Schools, parents, and the media try to give children a clear message—drugs are bad. Children hear, “Just say no to drugs,” and “Drugs can kill you.” Six- to nine-year-old accept the message without question and declare, “I’ll never take drugs!” “You’ll go to jail.” “It’s against the law.” With few exceptions, they have no internal conflict about drugs, they don’t experiment, and they don’t face peer pressure to try drugs. They’re very aware of what’s right and wrong and they even know that drinking and driving don’t mix. One child, seeing a passing motorist sipping from a beer can, urged his parents to write down the license-plate number and call the police.

It’s easy for a young child to say no to the idea of drug use. What parents need to consider is what will happen when their child gets older and is confronted with peer pressure and opportunities. Parents hope that early warnings will keep their child out of trouble, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case. However, they should do all they can now to help their child reject impulsive experimentation later.

First, they should behave in ways they want their child to adopt. Too many parents say, “Don’t use drugs,” and then condone, use, or abuse alcohol or drugs themselves. They need to set a good example. If they drink frequently, kids will accept that as normal behavior. If they smoke, their children may smoke when they get older. Certainly if parents use drugs, their child will be confused about their warnings. Parents may try to hide alcohol or drug abuse, but he will eventually discover the truth. Then he may not only copy their actions, but feel anger and distrust toward them for deceiving him.

At some point, as you deal with the issue of drug abuse, your child may ask if you’ve ever used drugs. If you haven’t, you can comfortably answer the question, perhaps starting a discussion: “What made you curious?” “What did you think I’d say?”

If you did use drugs in the past, this isn’t the time to give your child the details. Perhaps you can share more when he’s older, but at this point simply give your message that drug use is unacceptable. Telling him anything more will greatly increase the risk that he’ll eventually do as you once did.

Keep the lines of communication open. While your child might be enrolled in an elementary school drug education program, don’t count on that to keep him safe. These programs are often ineffective because they’re aimed at young children who are already convinced that drugs are bad. Programs for pre-adolescents and teens tend to be more successful because they target kids who are actually exposed to drug culture and who are much more cynical about laws and prohibitions.

Your child needs your continuing guidance and support to resist drugs. Answer his questions and talk about the dangers of drug use. Your child will hear about political leaders, celebrities, and sport stars who’ve been arrested for drug possession or who’ve died of overdoses; he may be very upset if he admired one of them. Use these occasions to talk about the reasons for drug use and the alternatives people can choose.

As your child grows, you can help him avoid drugs by staying involved and encouraging him to feel good about his abilities and character. There’s value in a strong ego. A positive self-image gives preteen or teenager strength to resist peer influences and comfortably say no to drugs.

During the early elementary years, you’ll have few actual worries about drug use. But don’t ignore the potential problem. As he reaches the pre-adolescent years, keep talking to your child, reinforcing the anti-drug messages he hears, and helping him become strong enough to resist temptation when he encounters it.

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Many parents would like to avoid discussing AIDS with their child. However, kids are aware of the disease. They hear about it on TV and radio, they see stories about it in papers and magazines, and they hear adults and other children talk about it. They’ve heard that AIDS Patients die. They also believe the disease is mysterious, since they aren’t sure why or how people get it. This makes AIDS scary to them.

When you talk to your child about AIDS, you have the difficult task of presenting accurate information without making her unnecessarily frightened. Since children are not likely to pick up the disease, you can be honest but reassuring about her chances of exposure.

Let her ask questions and tell you what she already knows about the illness. Some of her information may be very inaccurate. Some of her questions may be too complex for you to answer without doing some research. Still, open communication is the best way to ensure that she forms a realistic idea of the disease.

She may believe that AIDS is as easy to catch as chicken pox or a cold. Let her know that all viruses are not alike, and that AIDS is very difficult to contract. Give details you consider appropriate for her level of maturity: “People who have the virus in their bodies sometimes pass it on to others.” “Doctors can check people’s blood to see if they have the disease.” “There are things people can do to make sure they don’t get AIDS.” Explain that AIDS is passed on mainly through sex and through drug users’ needles.

Your child will feel less concerned about AIDS if she can discuss it with you. If she doesn’t mention the disease on her own by the time she’s nine, you might want to bring it up as part of a general discussion of health, safety, sex, and growing up. There are good children’s books on the subject that you and she can read together. It also might help her to know that doctors and researchers are actively looking for ways to prevent and cure AIDS.

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“How was I made?”

“Where did I come from?”

Children’s understanding of sex and childbirth changes greatly between the ages of six and nine. Six-year-olds are still egocentric thinkers with personal opinions about how things work. They may reject the facts of life in favor of their own ideas about sex. Eight- and nine-year-olds can accept others’ thoughts and are better able to understand sex and birth.

Learning about sex is gradual. It begins early, with a child’s first feelings about his body. The way his parents respond when he’s learning to use the toilet, when he touches his genitals, and when he asks questions about his body contributes to his self-image and sense of sexuality.

By the early elementary years, all children have some information about sex. They’ve heard it from their parents, their older siblings, their friends, or characters in movies and on TV. Some are just told things, others ask. One six-year-old, watching her mother changes her seven-month-old sister’s diaper, asked, “So how did you get pregnant, anyway?” Another child picked up a tampon and asked, “What’s this for?”

Parents are often startled by how much their child knows. Inevitably, kids pick up a lot by talking and joking with each other about sex. One boy giggled while watching kissing on TV and then explained what “French kissing” was. He’d heard about it from a classmate. A girl told her mother how babies were made: “The S word. You know, SEX! You get naked and have sex.” Her older sibling had told her.

Parents should ask, “What do you think?” to find out what their child knows. Once parents are aware of his ideas, they can decide where to start discussions and how much information to give. It’s necessary for parents to be sensitive when talking about sex. Many children are not ready for all the facts, and too much information at once can be overwhelming. A six- or seven-year-old may be confused and uncomfortable at the thought of adults engaged in sex. A six-year-old, after hearing about childbirth, said, “I’m never having a baby!” At these ages, some children can accept and understand only small doses of information. Parents should tell a little about intercourse, conception, pregnancy, and birth, and then wait for more questions before continuing.

Eight- and nine-year-old may also be embarrassed by talk of sex, but they understand more. If a child this age hasn’t asked much about sex yet, his parents can initiate a discussion. They can begin by asking what he already knows. Some of the information may be right but some may be distorted, and it’s important for parents to correct misconceptions.

The tone of these discussions is important. Parents should be discreet and respectful, never laughing at their child’s questions or comments. Children need to feel they can come to their parents for straight answers about sex. The trust established during the early years will be important throughout childhood and especially during adolescence. If a child feels reluctant to talk to his parents because he feels ashamed or fears ridicule, he’ll gradually stop bringing questions home.

Of course, even the most well-intentioned parents may feel uncomfortable discussing sex. Parents who—verbally or non-verbally—convey their reluctance to talk may inadvertently shut off communication with their child. Parents may want to read about human sexuality before answering their child’s questions. Parents also can mention the awkwardness they or the child may be feeling: “I know you’re a little embarrassed. I am too. But, in our house, it’s okay to talk about sex and ask questions.”

In addition to talking, you might try another approach to sex education – offering your child books on the subject. There are many available. Read several before selecting ones that seem appropriate, considering his age and maturity. Start with a simple book and, as needed, introduce ones that include more details. Yost can read the book with him, offer it to him, or simply leave it, where he’ll find it on his own. Then wait for questions or begin a discussion yourself.

When you talk about sex and pregnancy with your child, you may want him to keep the information from his younger siblings—they might not be ready to hear all the facts. Your older child may try to keep your discussions private, but chances are he’ll tell his siblings what he knows. He might want to share his new information with someone, and a sibling is handier than a friend. If this happens, talk to your younger child, correct misunderstandings, and offer explanations that seem appropriate. If he’s not interested, don’t press the issue. He’ll come to you at a later date with his own questions.

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All young children have some experience with death. They may have lost a pet, seen TV coverage of a tragic accident, or overheard their parents talking about death. They may have lost a family member or heard about the death of a famous person. The circumstances vary and so do children’s reactions, ranging from curiosity about the death of a celebrity to devastation at the loss of a close relative.

Whatever the circumstances, talking to a child about death is difficult for parents, especially if they themselves are grieving. They may feel overwhelmed by their own sadness and unable to meet their child’s needs.

Even when parents aren’t mourning a personal loss, their child’s questions can make them uncomfortable: “Why did he die?” “Why couldn’t the doctor make him better?” “What happens to people after they die?” Parents have no easy answers or quick assurances. In addition, speaking about death forces them to confront their own questions and fears and reminds them of their mortality.

A child reacting to a death feels many of the emotions an adult does: loss, anger, frustration, and resentment. She may feel powerless (“Why couldn’t anyone help?”) and guilty (“I wish I’d seen her more.”). She may blame herself for a death she couldn’t have prevented (“If I’d been good all the time, he wouldn’t have died”).

If your family has experienced a loss, the most important thing you can do is talk to your child and comforts her. Find out what she thinks and, if necessary, correct her misconceptions: “I know it’s sad she was sick for so long.” “No, it wasn’t your fault Grandma died.” “Your thoughts didn’t cause the accident.” Let her share her feelings, and include her in some of your family discussions about the death. She may want to talk about her fears that you or she will die.

Some children don’t talk at all about their loss. If your child shows no sign of mourning or if she seems to be coping too well, she’s probably holding her feelings in. Talk to her about the person who died and help her express her hurt and anger so her feelings don’t become overwhelming.

If she wants to attend the funeral of someone she was close to, consider letting her go, It’s better for her to be with you there than to feel excluded or frightened at home. Explain what the funeral will be like. Let her know that people will be sad and many will cry. If she doesn’t want to attend, respect her decision. One nine-year-old told her parents, “I don’t like funerals and whenever you ask me if I want to go to one the answer is NO.”

As she struggles with her feelings, remember that mourning and the feeling of loss can last for weeks, months, even years, depending on how close she was to the person who died. Let her see that you, too, are still adjusting. With time and help from you and others, such as the children’s support groups found in religious and hospice organizations, your child will gradually come to terms with her loss. Families that share difficult times often find they are stronger and closer as a result.

“If you don’t hurry up you’ll be late for school!” Parents say this over and over while they hurriedly prepare breakfast, pack lunches, and get the family ready for the morning commute to day care, school, or work. In the midst of all this activity, six- to nine-year-old dawdle along, seemingly unaware of the frustration they cause. It can seem to parents that nothing keeps their children from procrastinating—not logical arguments, threats, rewards, or punishments.

One seven-year-old, proud of having gotten up half an hour early on a school morning, used all her time to watch TV instead of getting ready. An eight-year-old who dressed himself after much prodding asked, “Now what do I do?” as if he’d never been told to brush his teeth and pack up his school books. Many children need constant reminders: “Comb your hair.” “Put on your shoes.” “Stop playing and come down for breakfast.”

Most young children procrastinate in the mornings because they aren’t interested in rushing off to school. Getting ready is something they have to do, but it’s not a priority. They would much rather get involved in an interesting activity such as playing, drawing, reading, using the computer, or watching TV. In addition, they have only a loose sense of time. Ten minutes can feel like plenty of time to finish playing and get dressed. Its parents, not children, who think time and morning routines, are important.

Some kids are overwhelmed by the process of preparing for school. Instead of struggling to keep track of the things they must do, they avoid getting ready in the morning altogether. Other children, like some adults, just aren’t “morning” people and have a hard time waking up early. In some families, mornings are so stressful that children deal with the tension by pushing aside demands and distracting themselves in play.

Here are some strategies to try if you, like so many parents, have a child who procrastinates. Try waking yourself up fifteen to twenty minutes earlier so your preparations won’t be as hurried. With a little more time in the morning, you can relax, share a cup of cocoa with your child, talk during breakfast, may be take a short walk. Even five minutes of relaxed time together can make the morning smoother.

You also can wake your child up earlier so he has time to play before getting ready. If he seems tired in the morning, a shower may help wake him up. Try setting an earlier bedtime. This helps some children, although others don’t wake up well no matter how much sleep they’ve had.

You might find mornings more peaceful if you change the timing of your chores. Make lunches, lay out clothes, and help your child pack up his homework in the evening so you’ll have more free time before school.

Prepare a chart for him listing the things he should do to get ready, and use a timer to let him know when to begin. You can try a system of checks and rewards as motivators.

Perhaps he doesn’t clearly know what you expect from him. Calmly but firmly tell him what his morning responsibilities are. At a time when you’re not angry, ask him for suggestions: “What would help you get ready?” Explain the consequences of dawdling: “If you aren’t outside in time, you’ll miss the school bus.” “If you don’t come downstairs early enough, you won’t have time for pancakes.”

What works for one family or child may not work for another. You may have tried many techniques and still find your mornings difficult. In that case, changing your attitude toward your child may help some. Instead of expecting him to take care of himself completely, accept that you’ll have to help him along. It may he faster and more peaceful for you to comb his hair than to yell, “Can’t you remember anything? I told you to comb your hair!” Identify the tasks he has most trouble with and either offer help, do them for him, or keep calmly reminding him. If you change your tone, he may actually cooperate more because he wants to please you.

As your child approaches nine, you’ll see less procrastination in the mornings. He’ll be better able to handle multiple tasks in a short time and be more responsible. He’ll also care a little more about his appearance so he’ll put more effort into getting ready for school.

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“Cool! Awesome! Can I buy this shirt? All the kids at school wear this kind.”

As boys and girls reach the middle elementary years, they define themselves more and more by the clothes they wear. It’s not unusual for them to have strong preferences for certain styles and colors. They copy what their peers and older siblings wear and they pick up messages from TV, magazines, movies, store displays—even dolls dressed in the latest fashions. Because clothing sales are big business, retailers and manufacturers bombard consumers with images of contemporary styles, and kids can’t help but be influenced.

A child most often wants to wear what other children wear. If she looks too different she may feel vulnerable or threatened and may be teased. Parents, too, sometimes prefer their child to dress as her friends do. Looking like the rest of the group gives a sense of belonging.

Children’s style preferences vary; what’s popular in one city or school or neighborhood may not be in another. Some children like conservative looks, some prefer only up-to-date fashions, and others just care about specifics such as shoes or jewelry. The intensity of a child’s clothes-consciousness varies also, from caring a little to caring a lot. Most young children are too absorbed in friends, schoolwork, hobbies and after-school activities to make clothing a major preoccupation.

However, a child’s opinions about clothes can be strong enough to cause conflict. On the one hand, parents want to buy clothes that please their child, but they’re also frustrated if she wants items they find unappealing or expensive. Shopping becomes difficult because it’s hard for them to know what will fit or look good on her, and if she’d like their selections. Most parents have had the experience of picking something out and bringing it home to their child, only to have it hang in the closet unused. To avoid such waste, many parents take their child along on shopping trips. This, of course, leads to other problems. Children often dread shopping and trying on clothes. They act angry, bored, or silly, and find it hard to stick to the task.

You can ease many clothing conflicts by offering your child some choices, involving her in the process of choosing what to get, and preparing her for shopping trips. For instance, before you go to a store, tell her what she can get and how much you’re willing to spend. That way you and she will have similar expectations. Once you’re shopping, have her help hunt through the racks for sizes or colors: “See if you can find a sweater with green in it to go with the pants you like.” Let her make some decisions: “You can get this shirt for twenty dollars or you can get two shirts for ten dollars each.” If she picks an item you don’t like, suggest a modification: “Let’s look for something with a smaller design on the front.”

If she’s firm about wanting only current fashions, you can either avoid arguments by buying some of what she likes as long as you find it appropriate, or you can initiate a compromise. Suggest she pick out pants while you pick out the top. Let her choose a wild sweater and a plain skirt to go with it. Have her pick the styles, and you select the colors. (Fashionable clothes often look far less outrageous in muted colors.) You also can encourage her to concentrate on accessories such as bracelets and hair bands. If she gets some of the clothes she wants, she’ll have an easier time accepting your refusal to buy items you can’t tolerate.

Keeping the cost of children’s clothing down is always important. If your child wants a particular style, look for affordable versions at department or discount stores. A six- to nine-year-old doesn’t care about cost, only about having a certain look. At times, if she wants something you consider too expensive, offer to pay half while she pays the rest out of her allowance.

In addition to cost, consider the practicality of your child’s clothing. Since she needs to run around and explore, don’t buy play clothes that are delicate or hard to clean.

If you are having frequent arguments about clothing, step back and think about the issue. Excessive clothes-consciousness can be the result of power struggles in which parents won’t let their children participate in decision-making and children feel they can’t give in. Instead of getting locked in a battle of wills, considers child’s opinions and remember that she, like you, just wants to dress in a way that’s physically and emotionally comfortable. If you constantly argue about buying decisions, she will continue to focus on clothes. But if you allow her to help choose which to buy, you let her know she’s competent and capable of making some decisions for herself. You may sometimes be giving in, but you will be diffusing the issue of clothes-consciousness and helping your child gain self-confidence.

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