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In theory giving an allowance is a good idea, and this is a good time to start. Many parents of six- to nine-year-old want their children to begin learning how to save and spend wisely.

There are two main ways in which an allowance is given: conditionally and unconditionally. An unconditional allowance handed out automatically every week. A conditional allowance only given after a child successfully completes certain requirements. Chores are the usual requirements, but sometimes conditions are related to school work or general behavior. One parent who gives her child a conditional allowance said, “I want him to learn how the world works. You get paid for what you do.”

When an allowance depends on a child’s performance, there can be family conflicts. Children may remember only half of their chores or may argue that they’re too tired or busy to do all that their parents want. Parents have to constantly remind a child, “If you don’t clear the table, you won’t get your allowance.” “No money if you don’t fold the clothes.” In addition, he may complete his task, but not to the satisfaction of his parents. They have to continually monitor and judge.

When kids are threatened with losing their allowance, they often do as their parent desire. However, they sometimes try to negotiate. One boy regularly got two dollars a week for making his bed and cleaning his room. When he wanted to miss a day, he started bargaining: “Just give me one dollar this time.” When the negotiating got out of hand, her parents switched to an unconditional allowance and used other tactics to encourage him to keep his room neat.

Some parents use an allowance to try to control their child’s behavior. He may gain or lose money depending on how obedient he is or how well he does at school. While this may work, it may lead to anger and frustration. If he hears, “You forgot your math book. You’re losing 50 cents this week,” he may feel unfairly penalized. Receiving an allowance should be a positive experience, not one associated with anger and feelings of helplessness.

While some families have success with a conditional allowance, others eventually give it up because of the struggles and attitudes they see their child adopting. One parent said her son refused to pitch in and help with anything other than his assigned chores unless he was paid extra.

However parents decide to give an allowance, they should strive for a system that makes them and their child feel good. If one method doesn’t work, they can try another.

At times, children are very interested in money, asking for an allowance at the earliest possible moment each week and eagerly counting their savings. At other times, they may forget their allowances for weeks. Some families have a regular day when the allowance is given, while others are very casual, giving children money at irregular intervals. Again, any method is fine as long as family members are comfortable with it.

A big question for parents is how much money to give. There are no general rules, and amounts vary from family to family. When parents are in doubt, they can find out how much other children are receiving. Families in a neighborhood or parents of close friends sometimes agree to give their children equal amounts.

Many parents open a bank account for their child when they start giving him an allowance. They want him to learn about saving and put at least part of his money away. Yet, it’s often hard for them to know how much should be saved and how the savings should be used. While they should encourage savings, they should also allow their child to make his own decisions about his allowance. He’ll certainly make mistakes, but he’ll learn valuable lessons from the experience.

For instance, if he wants a toy his parents aren’t willing to buy he may decide to save and buy it with his own money. If he does manage to accumulate enough, they should praise him for his patience even if they doubt the wisdom of his purchase.

It takes time for children to learn to manage money wisely. You may be frustrated if your child wants to spend each week’s allowance on gum, baseball cards, or comics. You don’t want him to waste his money, yet you do want him to have control over what is, after all, his. You’ll have to strike a balance, letting him make some mistakes as long as he doesn’t violate your family’s basic ideas about buying and saving. Keep in mind, too, that most adults make unnecessary, frivolous purchases from time to time.

To encourage your child to be more responsible about money, have him occasionally donate a small amount, perhaps at the same time you’re making a donation to a worthy cause. He can use his money to help buy toys for needy children or give a cash gift to a charity. Although he may initially resist, he’ll soon feel good about his donations, especially if you praise him for helping others.

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Money is an emotionally charged subject. Many adults are uncomfortable with their financial situations and therefore reluctant to discuss money with their children. Some parents have feelings of guilt, anger, or confusion stemming from their childhood experiences with money. They may go out of their way to create a different climate in their own homes or may treat their children exactly as they were once treated.

Children’s lifelong attitudes toward money are based on what they learn at home; they’ll pick up their parents’ feelings whether finances are openly discussed or not. For that reason, parents should give careful thought to talking to kids about money.

People often wonder .how open they should be about the family’s finances. Should children have all their questions answered? Do they need to know how much the house cost, how expensive the car is, and how much the family paid for last summer’s vacation? Finances are a very private matter for most adults, and it’s difficult to know how much to share with a child.

 At the least, kids should feel it’s acceptable to ask questions, and they should have their questions answered in a way that will satisfy rather than frustrate them. That doesn’t mean parents have to provide all the details. However, they shouldn’t make money a secretive subject. No child should constantly hear, “I’m not telling you how much I get paid,” or, “Don’t ask. It’s none of your business.” It’s fine for parents to say at times, “The price of this feels private to me. I really don’t want to share it with you.” Then, at other times, they can be open about costs.

When children ask about money, their parents have an opportunity to start a discussion: “How much do you think our house cost? Do you know how much people pay for houses?” Parents can use financial questions to introduce subjects such as borrowing and saving.

Such discussions are valuable because young children have only vague ideas about money. They try to organize the little they know into general theories: “If you don’t have enough money, just tells your boss.” “Go to the bank and they’ll give you more money.” “Sue somebody and you’ll get a lot of money.” “Just trade in your change for dollars and you’ll have a lot.” A six- to nine-year-old has little understanding of buying power. Twenty-five dollars may seem like a lot and the $150 a week her mother spends on food may seem a fortune. A child this age also assumes that bigger means more expensive and she may not understand that a small piece of jewelry can cost more than a piece of furniture.

It’s difficult to give kids a clear picture of where money comes from, -how it’s spent, and how financial decisions are made. A child, not seeing the difference between necessities and luxuries, watches her parents purchase shampoo, food, clothes, and gasoline. She assumes they can buy whatever they want. Then, when they place restrictions on her purchases, she may feel confused and unfairly treated.

Children are quite sensitive to their parents’ financial concerns. When parents argue or worry openly about money, kids worry, too. A child may feel responsible for financial disagreements because her parents have told her the things she wants are expensive. She also may feel guilty if her parents say, “We buy you nice clothes and you don’t even wear them,” “Stop asking for new toys. You’ve got plenty already.”

On the other hand, children can make their parents reel guilty. When a child says, “Benjamin has new skates and so does Eve. Why won’t you buy me some?” her parents may feel inadequate and unable to make her happy. It’s important that they keep such demands in perspective. All young children want what their friends have. Parents should buy or not buy according to their own values and circumstances. They can tell their child, “You’d like to have what Eve has, but we’re not going to buy it,” or, “We have different buying rules in our home.” They should try to answer their child’s requests for purchases appropriately and realistically, without becoming angry or defensive.

Talking to your child about money is not easy. Try to respect her point of view, understanding that her knowledge will increase as she gets older. She’s not capable of adopting your financial concerns, and you shouldn’t expect her to. If you work outside the home, don’t burden your child with guilt by making such statements as, “We work hard to pay for your things.” Listen to her questions and engage in conversations (without lecturing) about money. And decide on what attitudes you want to teach her. How do you ultimately want her to feel about earning, spending, and saving?

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“Why do I have to tell you over and over again to put your clothes away?”

“You should have started your homework earlier!”

“Taking care of the gerbil is your job.”

“Don’t race your bike down the sidewalk like that.”

All parents want their children to be responsible. They want them to be considerate of others, do their schoolwork carefully and on time take care of pets, follow safety rules, and do household chores. When children don’t act responsibly, parents become Frustrated: “When will he, ever learn to do the right thing?”

It is helpful to know that responsibility is tied to a number of other traits such as thoughtfulness, common sense, generosity, and empathy. Responsibility requires maturity, alertness, and a social conscience. While a nine-year-old may be quite responsible, a six-year-old is just learning to think about the consequences of his actions.

In order to become responsible, a child needs good role models. His parents set the standards he’ll follow. If they emphasize the importance of doing a good job and caring about others, he’ll pick that up. He’ll often behave politely at a friend’s house and attentively at school.

The process of learning is neither quick nor smooth. Six- to nine-year-old need many reminders, particularly about personal grooming and household chores. Since a child rarely enjoys or cares about these tasks, he isn’t motivated to do them. This is understandable; even adults don’t like to consistently clean shop, make repairs, and pay bills.

Kids also don’t understand the reasons for many tasks. Making a bed may not seem important: “I’m just going to mess it up again tonight.” Even when parents explain why jobs are necessary, their child might resist: “It’s not fair that I have to take out the trash. I’m not the one who filled up the bag.” “Why should I put the game away? Shannon took it out.” “Nobody will care if my hair isn’t combed.”

Parents may feel less frustrated if they accept that reminders are a necessary part of teaching a child to be responsible. One mother, angry over repeatedly having to ask her child to clear his dishes after eating, decided to take a realistic approach. Instead of loudly reprimanding him (“Why can’t you ever remember to put your plate in the sink?”), she simply incorporated reminders into her mealtime routine (“Don’t forget to clear your dishes”). She felt calmer, he felt less pressured, and the job got done.

Reminders are important in all areas of responsibility. Children need to be told, in nonjudgmental ways, about safety, consideration for other, schoolwork, and family obligations. For some responsibilities, such as chores or homework, a chart might be useful. Each day, a child checks off the jobs he’s completed. Even with a chart, though, most kids still need reminders. The mother of a second grader tried offering a reward each time her daughter did her homework, made her bed and got herself dressed without reminders. However, this mother’s expectations were unrealistic—a child this age just can’t consistently keep track of this many obligations.

If your child continually fails to be as responsible as you’d like, reexamine your expectations. You might be asking him to do too much. Try eliminating one or two of the less important tasks he struggles with and see if he doesn’t become more responsible about the remaining obligations. Also, be sure to leave him free time to play and pursue creative projects; if he has to spend a big portion of his time on tasks that don’t interest him, he’ll be too frustrated to do his best.

In teaching responsibility, as in many other aspects of parenting you’ll find your child becomes most cooperative when you get involved. Help him clean his room, offer to trade jobs so he can water the lawn while you pick up the toys, occasionally sit beside him paying bills or writing a letter while he does homework, put on your seat belt as you tell him to fasten his, have him help you on a charity project.

If he’s able to behave responsibly after you’ve given him reminders, he’s on the right track. Although you may wish he’d learn more quickly, be assured that you’ll continue to see progress as long as you patiently reinforce responsible behavior at home.

The early elementary years are a time of growing independence. Children generally have an easy time being away from home during the school day, and they often want to play with friends or participate in organized activities in the afternoons. On weekends they may balk at joining a family outing, preferring to spend time pursuing their own interests or being with friends. Kids this age also want less parental supervision. They want to ride their bikes to the playground, walk to the community pool, and stay outside longer.

Parents greet this push for independence with ambivalence. They want their children to become capable, competent people who can take care of themselves. At the same time, the path to independence isn’t smooth and the process of letting go isn’t easy.

Primarily, parents worry about their child’s safety. As she strives for independence, they constantly have to consider her welfare. Some decisions are easy: a seven-year-old is too young to ride her bike on a busy street. Other decisions are more difficult. Is she ready to walk alone to her friend’s house? Can she go to a neighborhood playground without an adult? Kids of this age are confident enough to argue heatedly, “I want to go! Everybody else is allowed to!” They feel justified in pushing their points. They know what they want, and parents have the tough job of determining how much independence to give and when to give it.

Parents also have to deal with their own feelings of frustration and sadness. The frustration comes from gradually losing control. No matter how often a preschooler says, “I want to do it myself.” her parents are still firmly in charge. The six- to nine-year-old has a stronger will, a stronger sense of herself, and a growing need to make some decisions for herself. Parents also have a sense of sadness as she begins to separate from them. Certainly there’s pride as she matures and becomes more independent, but there’s also a feeling of loss. The child who had depended totally on her parents is now growing up.

As you deal with the issue of independence, you’ll make constant adjustments. Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how mature your child seems. One mother was amazed when her formerly reluctant seven-year-old went off confidently for a weekend at friends. Until recently, the girl wouldn’t spend a night, away from home without lots of kisses, hugs, and assurances from her mother.

Sometimes you’ll he surprised at how dependent your child suddenly seems; in development there are always steps backwards. Mixed with your child’s growing independence is a strong need for your guidance and positive feedback.

If you’re finding it hard to let your child do more for herself, consider the benefits of independence. If you allow her some of the freedom she wants, she’ll feel confident about her ability to take care of herself. Let her ride her bike in the neighborhood. Let her make choices—how to arrange her room, for instance—and she’ll feel good about decision-making. And if you let her help you with some challenging tasks, you’ll encourage her sense of competence. For example, let her help you trim the bushes or plant flowers. In the kitchen, let her slice the vegetables, mash the potatoes, or prepare dessert. These are more rewarding activities than such usual jobs as setting or clearing the table.

As she pushes for independence, you may he puzzled (or irritated) to find she doesn’t take on more personal responsibility. You still have to remind her about chores and simple tasks: “Do your homework.” “Straighten your room.” “Get ready for bed.” From her point of view, these are not top priorities. What’s important to her is running around outside, doing an arts and crafts project, reading a good book, or playing a game.

As you tackle the difficult job of deciding how much independence to give, talk to other parents and ask yourself questions about your child. How mature is she? Can she safely cross the street? Would she dart into the street after a ball? Do her friends follow common-sense rules? Would they encourage her to misbehave?

Consider your child’s age and the ages of her friends. Six- and seven-year-olds need a lot of supervision while eight- or nine-year-olds are capable of spending more time on their own. In general, early elementary-aged children need to be checked on. First, there are safety concerns. Seven-year-olds allowed to go off by themselves may be harassed by older children. A six-year-old skating alone may fall and have no one to help her.

Kids also need supervision for social reasons. They may become angry with each other and fight. They may also exclude one another from play and need some reminders about getting along.

After you’ve considered your child’s maturity and age, judge her requests for independence separately. If she wants to go to the playground, will she walk or ride her bike? Will she be with a friend or, an older sibling? How long will she be gone?

You know your child and her patterns of behavior. If your instinct says she shouldn’t go on her own, don’t give in to your child’s demands. You may feel over-protective at times, but it’s better to be cautious. Try to interest her in another activity, or put your own tasks aside and take her where she wanted to go. She can play happily at the park while you sit reading nearby, comfortable knowing she’s safe.

If you and your child argue a great deal about independence, take time when you’re both feeling calm to talk about the problem. Tell her, “It seems like we yell a lot about things I won’t let you do” and give her the reasons for your decisions. When she’s angry, she may not understand why you say no and may assume you’re trying to be meant. Calmly explain your concerns, and then listen to her. Let her know you’re paying attention: “It sounds like you think I’ve been unfair.” Communicating on the subject of independence will help you understand each other and get along better.

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       Stay-at-home parents feel pressure to send their child to preschool since most children go to some sort of program and child care professionals generally recommend it. Parents who keep their child home until elementary school often face the disapproval of friends and relatives. People ask, “How will he learn to socialize?” “Isn’t he ready?” “How can you get anything done with him around all day?” “Aren’t you afraid he’ll miss out?” “How will he be prepared for kindergarten?”

       There are a number of good reasons why a child might not go to preschool. When there’s a new baby in the family, some parents keep their older child home so he won’t feel rejected or pushed out. The expense of nursery school deters other families, either because they can’t afford the fees or don’t think the experience is worth the cost. Some parents are unable to find a nursery school that seems appropriate for their child, and some want to be with their child full-time until elementary school begins. Finally, some parents keep their child at home because they welcome the freedom: when there are no school schedules to follow, parent and child can wake up when they want, go on outings together, and stay outdoors as long as they like.

       A child who stays out of nursery school will not be harmed socially. He’ll have chances to play with siblings, neighborhood children, and friends who attend part-time or half-day programs. His parents also can enroll him in once-a-week recreation classes and set up a visiting arrangement with other children who don’t attend nursery school.

      When a child does go to nursery school, his parents often marvel at how he changes. He seems more cooperative and knowledgeable, and they attribute his growth to the school. But Parents whose children stay at home also see these changes. Young children naturally mature and develop as they get older, and a four-year-old who stays home will have the same interest in learning and playing as a four-year-old in a preschool.

       A child who stays home will be busy and involved, especially if his parents provide an environment in which he can explore, play, read, go on outings, and create—all the things done at school. He’ll learn about his world because, like all young children, he’s curious. Preschool can be a very positive experience, but it isn’t a necessary one.

       If you decide to keep your child at home for the preschool years, you may wonder how he’ll adjust to kindergarten. As long as you prepare him by visiting the school ahead of time and talking about kindergarten activities, he is likely to do just as well as a child who attended preschool. Kindergarten is a new experience for all children, and they all go through a period of adjustment.

       During the years that your child is at home instead of in preschool, people may ask him, “Where do you go to school?” and other children will tell him about their schools. Your child, particularly if he is four or five, may wonder why he isn’t in school, and may feel somewhat alienated from his friends. Many children, however, are not affected by the questions and comments of others and confidently announce, “I don’t go to school,” or, “I learn at home.” If your child does express a desire to go to nursery school, you may want to look for a program that meets your needs as well as his, or you may decide to tell him that he’ll go to school when he’s old enough for kindergarten.

       Although the decision to keep your child home may be a difficult one, you might be surprised by unexpected support. One mother, expecting a lecture, reluctantly told her pediatrician she was not sending her child to school. The doctor shocked and delighted her by not only praising her decision, but telling her that he and his wife had kept their children home and that the experience had been very positive.

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       Every day care center and nursery school is different, and parents have to search carefully to find a good place for their child. Schools might claim (as Montessori, Waldorf, co-op, and religious schools do) that their Programs are based on familiar philosophies, but parents have to see how the philosophies are actually implemented. The personalities of staff members, the physical layouts, and the day-to-day programs are what determine a school or center’s quality. The only way for parents to make an informed choice is to observe a number of programs.

       Parents who want a program that meets three mornings a week and parents searching for a day care center open twelve hours a day will be looking for the same qualities. All parents want caring staff members, a pleasant facility, and a flexible program that will meet their child’s needs for the one to four years she will attend. The difference for parents looking at full-time day care is that their child will spend most of her waking hours at the center they choose. Therefore, the selection of a quality day care program is essential.

       As you look for child care facilities, narrow your choices to centers that are easy to get to. If you’re considering nursery schools, you’ll probably want one close to home, while you might find a day care center more convenient if it’s close to your work. Narrow your choices further by asking friends, neighbors, and coworkers for recommendations. Then visit at least two or three programs before making a decision.

       When you go to a center or school, think about the physical space. Are the rooms inviting, clean, and safe? Is there ample room to play inside and is there play equipment outside? Are there places in the classroom where your child can play quietly? Are there a variety of toys and materials within easy reach? Where will your child take naps, and where can she go if she doesn’t nap? Does the overall environment seem exciting?

       Watch the teachers and aides carefully, since they set the tone for the program. Do they seem to enjoy their jobs and relate well to each other? Do you like the way they interact with the children? Good teachers will be warm, understanding, and respectful of children. Do they seem reassuring and flexible enough to let a child follow her own interests? Are you comfortable with the way they set limits and carry out discipline in the classroom?

       Try to imagine your child in the programs you observe. How would she react? Are the teachers’ expectations appropriate for her? Would the schedule allow her flexibility? What if she wanted to continue with one activity when the teachers had scheduled a switch to another—would she be allowed quietly to finish what she was doing?

       See if the teachers pay enough attention to the children in the room. One parent saw a teacher who was so involved with a small group working on the day’s curriculum project that she ignored the rest of the class. When the teacher finally became aware of an argument in the block corner, she was too late to help a child whose building had been destroyed.

       Consider how many teachers there are at the center or school, and the makeup of the groups. Young children need a lot of attention and comfort. Older children need fewer adults, but the teacher-child ratio in all cases should seem satisfactory to you and meet local licensing standards. Are there mixed age groups in a single classroom, or are children placed with others the same age? You may prefer one arrangement over another.

       Pay particular attention to the school or center’s program. Too many are highly structured and goal-oriented, arranged with parents’ and not children’s needs in mind. Many teachers say, “Parents want academics. Parents expect projects.” But when academics are over-emphasized, children lose opportunities to play, experiment with different materials, and come up with discoveries and their own answers to problems. In an effective program, children have plenty of time to explore on their own and teachers value active play and socializing.

       Look at the children’s artwork. Most nursery schools and centers have children do one or two art projects a day. Is the work displayed at a child’s eye level? Are all the projects precut by the teacher? Do all the finished projects look alike, or are they truly products of the children’s effort and creativity?

       Finally, see if the activities are appropriate for the children. One group of two-year-olds was expected to dye Easter eggs in school, but the children were clearly incapable of following the necessary steps. Rather than drop the activity, the teachers did all the dyeing themselves.

       Teachers should build on children’s interests and abilities, not give them tasks they can’t perform. Look for a program that stresses exploration and discovery and teachers who will follow up on your child’s own interests and abilities.

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