Category Ask the Psychologist

“Jennifer, how do you ask for something?” “

“Now what do you say to Uncle Marty?”

“What’s the magic word?”

A child who’s questioned like this may mumble a faint “please” or “thank you” and her parents may feel somewhat reassured. But they may wonder why they have to constantly remind her to use polite Words.

When children say “please” and “thank you” without being prompted or coerced, parents feel a sense of satisfaction. They’re proud when their child is polite in public, and they feel good when she’s polite at home. Children make so many requests throughout the day: “Get me a drink!” “Give me a napkin!” “Tie my shoe!” If a child prefaces these statements with “please” and remembers to say “thank you,” her parents will not feel so overwhelmed and will have an easier time responding to her constant needs.

So why don’t most young children say “please” and “thank you” spontaneously? And why do many parents find themselves in situations such as this: a mother preparing to leave a neighborhood party tells her three-year-old daughter, “Say ‘good-bye’ and ‘thank you’ to Mrs. Miller.” The daughter turns away and refuses to speak as seven mothers stare at her. The mother tries again, then thanks the hostess herself and leaves, feeling defeated and embarrassed by her child’s impoliteness.

Yet, when children forget or refuse to say “please” and “thank you,” they’re usually not being impolite. There are several explanations for their behavior. First, they have a difficult time grasping general rules, including ones about responding in socially appropriate ways. A child who’s told to say “thank you” when given something at Grandma’s house may not connect that experience to a similar one that happens later at a neighbor’s house. Although she is again being given something, she’s too young to understand that she should respond as she did earlier.

Another reason children may not use polite words is shyness. While some children respond to prompting, others are just too self-conscious, especially when adult attention is focused on them. A shy child may refuse to say “please” or “thank you” and this can lead to a struggle if her parents try to force the issue.

Finally, a child may be too preoccupied to say “please” and “thank you,” especially if she’s just been given a new toy or has an urgent request. She has a difficult time thinking about and considering other people’s wishes, and saying what her parents want her to say may be the furthest thing from her mind when she’s excited.

Sometimes parents who constantly remind their child to say “please” put themselves in a bind. They may inadvertently convince her that all her wishes will be granted if she uses what, for her, may actually seem like a magic word. For example, in a toy store she may say, “Please, Mom, please. Will you buy this for me?” When her parents explain why she can’t have the toy she just politely asked for, she may not understand (or not want to hear) their reasoning: “But I said please!” Since her parents want to encourage politeness, they may be reluctant to say “no.” Inevitably, she will receive a confusing mixed message–saying “please” sometimes gets her what she’s asks for and sometimes doesn’t.

If your child does not often say “please” and “thank you” on her own, there are a number of things you can try. Watch for the times when she does use polite words and reinforce that behavior by saying, “I really like the way you asked for that.” If you know that your child is too shy to say “thank you,” you can do the thanking for her, which may make you both more comfortable, and let you model polite behavior for her. And if you’re unhappy with the way she’s asked for something, say, “When you ask me that way, it doesn’t make me want to give you the juice,” or, “You’ll have to find another way of asking.” Such statements give her an opportunity to say “please” or to change her tone of voice.

Tone can be very important. As adults, we’re usually more concerned about using a polite tone than about always attaching “please” to our requests. When your child makes frequent demands (“Zip my jacket!”) you may be so frustrated with her tone that you find yourself harshly demanding politeness (“PLEASE!”). If she mimics that harsh “please,” you still won’t like the way she sounds. But if instead of demanding a “please” you model the right tone, she may understand what you want and respond more pleasantly.

Finally, remember to say “please” and “thank you” when you ask your child for something or when she’s done what you’ve requested. All too often we make demands of children without ever saying “please” and “thank you” to them. When your child hears you speaking politely to her, and to other children and adults, she’ll begin to do as you do, and increasingly say “please” and “thank you” on her own.

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There are two ways a child learns about respect. He listens to what his parents say about respectful behavior, and he copies the way they actually act. Ultimately, he’ll learn more from their actions than from their words. If they treat him and others courteously, he’ll eventually copy their behavior. But if they speak harshly to him—“Get over here now!”–and consistently belittle him when he expresses his needs or makes mistakes, he will not learn to treat others with respect, even if his parents admonish him to behave well.

Day care and nursery school teachers sometimes say they can tell how respectful parents are by listening to children playing in the housekeeping corner. When two preschoolers pretend they have a crying baby, one might say, “Let’s pick her up. She’s crying,” while the other might reply, “You get out of this house right now and take this crying baby with you.”

A young child doesn’t automatically know how to act appropriately. He has to have good models and be taught and frequently reminded because he’s egocentric and easily forgets about other people’s feelings when his own needs are strong. Parents often feel defeated after telling their child again and again to be nice to others, only to see him act selfishly again. At such times, they should remember that learning to show respect is a slow process and that it’s natural for young children to think mainly of themselves.

If you feel constantly unhappy with your child’s disrespectful behavior, perhaps you should re-evaluate your expectations of him. It’s possible that you’re asking for more than he’s capable of giving. The younger he is, the less likely he is to control his emotions and put himself in someone else’s place. Therefore, it’s necessary for you to put limits on his behavior, “You can’t say such mean words to your sister.”

Look for ways you can model respectful behavior: “Let me pick you up so you can see well.” “Let’s go over there and thank that man for helping us.” When children are respected, they internalize feelings of self-worth, believing that their ideas, needs, and desires are important. Over time, your child will give back the kind of respect you’ve given him, and you’ll see him begin to consider other people’s needs and feelings.

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  When a young child gets angry with her parents, she shouts, “I hate you. You’re dumb!’ This outburst might come after her parents have said she can’t go outdoors or have a friend over or do something else she wants to do. A preschooler has a hard time putting her exact feelings into words. She doesn’t know how to say, “Dad, I think you should allow me to stay up later tonight because…” or, “I’m angry with you because you said…” She’s too young for such articulation and too young to show respect. Instead, she expresses her anger by saying, “I hate you.”

Most preschool children say, “I hate you,” to their parents. Some parents accept and understand these words as the beginning of their child’s expression of negative feelings. But all parents can feel betrayed when their child, after receiving love and attention, turns on them over a minor disappointment. It can be frustrating when adult reasoning, logic, and caring fail to keep a child from yelling, “You mean mom.” Many parents are tolerant when their two- or three-year-old yells, “You dumb mom,” but feel less understanding when their four- or five-year-old says, “I hate you.” A child’s words can feel threatening to parents who don’t like their children to be angry with them.

Parents who can’t stand to hear “I hate y you” often say, “That’s not nice! Don’t let me hear those words again.” But the child needs to release her angry feelings somehow, and if she isn’t allowed to express them verbally, she’ll find other, perhaps more destructive ways. She might turn to aggressive behavior such as biting or hitting, or she might take out her anger by becoming deliberately slow, acting excessively silly, Pretending she doesn’t hear her parents, or finding other ways to annoy them. However, if her angry feelings are acknowledged and allowed to be expressed, she eventually will learn to state her feelings more appropriately.

If your child says, “I hate you,” offer her other ways to tell you how she feels. Suggest she say, “I’m mad at you,” “I’m angry,” or, “I don’t like what you did.” Acknowledge her feelings, but say, “I want you to tell me in different words.”

Children are natural mimics. Your child uses the word “hate” because she hears it so often. Adults say, “I hate this dress,” or, “I hate it when people do that.” It’s natural for your child to use the word to express her dislike of something or someone. You can take advantage of the fact that she’s a mimic and gradually teach her to express her anger in acceptable ways. When your child says, “I hate you,” rather than make an issue of it, simply restate her words. Say back to her, “You’re really angry at me, aren’t you. You don’t like it when I say it’s time to come in.” If she hears you express her anger in this way, she gradually will begin to use similar statements herself.

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Hearing a child whine is very annoying. Young children often whine when they’re tired, hungry, angry, or frustrated, and once they start, it’s difficult to stop them. When parents ignore their whining child, he usually just continues until they finally speak to him. And even those parents who try to be patient or who believe its best not to focus on a whining child often end up shouting, “Stop whining!” One mother constantly scolded her four-year-old, “What did I tell you about whining? Use a grown-up voice!”

There are no easy ways to keep your child from whining. You can try redirecting his attention, although your attempts at distraction may be unsuccessful. You also can try letting him know, without attacking him, that you’re unhappy with his tone. When you say, “You’re whining!” or, “Stop whining!” you imply blame. Instead, try expressing your feelings in a less negative way, without using the word “whining” at all. Say, “When you ask me in that way, I don’t want to do anything for you,” or “You’ll have to ask me in another way.”

Sometimes, particularly if your child is three or younger, you won’t be able to understand what he says when he whines. You can tell him, “You’ll have to ask me in a voice I can understand,” or, “When you talk to me that way, I don’t feel like listening to you. Can you find another way to tell me what you want?” You may not be able to stop a three-year-old’s whining until you discover what’s causing it. Sometimes a child with an older sibling whines because he feels he can’t compete with his brother or sister. He turns to whining and baby-talk in order to be noticed and to take on the qualities of a baby, who, he feels, couldn’t be expected to act like the older sibling.

By the time your child is five, he should be better able to express himself and understand the limits you place on his whining. If he whines continuously despite your efforts, he may believe whining is the best way to get what he wants. You may need to listen to him more and give him more time and attention.

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It’s very common for a first-born child between the ages of eighteen months and three years to call her parents by their first names. She imitates what she hears and since her parents and their friends, neighbors, and relatives all use first names when talking to each other, she uses first names too. Even if her parents call each other “Mom” and “Dad,” she may still use first names because those are the ones she hears most often.

Many parents don’t mind if their child occasionally uses first names, although some consider anything other than “Mom” and “Dad” disrespectful. When a child uses her parents’ first names, however, she intends no disrespect – usually she’s just mimicking what other people say. Over time, this imitative behavior will diminish and the child will stop using her parents’ names.

If you’re bothered or embarrassed when your child calls you by your first name, remind her to say “Mom” and “Dad”. But remember that it will be hard for her, especially if she’s under two, to call you “Mom” and “Dad” consistently, since she doesn’t usually hear other people call you that. If you have a second child, you’ll notice that he or she rarely uses your first name. That’s because there’s an older sibling to copy, and because the second child is used to hearing “Mom” and “Dad.’

A common question related to first-name use is; “What should my child’s friends call me?” Some parents are most comfortable with first names and believe they’re easier for young children to remember and use. Other parents want to be called “Mrs.” or “Mr.” Choose whichever makes you comfortable and let your child’s playmates know what you’d like to be called.

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