Category Ask the Psychologist

In most families, children are expected to kiss their relatives hello and good-bye. When a child does this spontaneously, his parents are pleased, and when he doesn’t, they usually prompt him, “Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss. They haven’t seen you in such a long time.” Parents know how nice it feels to be kissed by a child. They want their child to be liked by relatives, and they feel that they’ll be judged unfavorably if he child doesn’t give a kiss.

Yet, many children are uncomfortable kissing their relatives and often don’t want to do it. This can create an awkward situation, especially when a relative feels rejected by the child or feels that he’s not excited to see her. And if the relative has brought him a gift and still doesn’t get a kiss, she might feel particularly frustrated and begin to say negative things such as, “What’s the matter with him? Is he shy?” His uneasy parent may urge him to “give Aunt Sue a kiss since she gave you a present,” and Aunt Sue may say, “I’ll take my gift back home with me.” All of this can put a great deal of pressure on the young child, who will usually give in if harassed enough. But the resulting discomfort for him and his parents is often not worth the struggle.

A child who resists giving a kiss is probably not rejecting a relative. Most children are excited about seeing family members, but feel uneasy giving a kiss hello for any of a number of reasons. A child may just not be comfortable with the physical contact of a kiss, or, feeling shy and self-conscious, may reject kissing because he doesn’t like to be focused on. He may want to stay close to his parents, even cling to them, until he feels adjusted to the visitors or to being in a relative’s house.

Sometimes a relative is one the child rarely sees, and he resists kissing because he needs time to get used to a strange face. A few children have private or magical concerns about kissing. One five-year-old worried that he would “turn old” if he kissed his aunt, while another child reported that she didn’t want to kiss her relatives because “people give you germs on your lips.” And at times a child won’t give a kiss good-bye because he doesn’t want a visit to end, although he may not explain this.

If you’re faced with a resisting child, try to let the kiss go – most children just need time to ease into a visit and feel friendly. Instead of insisting, suggest other options for your child. He could tell his relatives about something that has recently happened, demonstrate a new skill, or show them a favorite possession. And even if he won’t kiss, he may willingly “give five,” shake hands, blow a kiss, or give a hug good-bye.

We can all remember being small and having a relative pinch our cheeks or demand a kiss. If we recall how we felt then, we can understand our own children’s reluctance to give kisses, and can help them find other ways to begin and end enjoyable visits with relatives.

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“Katie, let’s play house. I’m the mommy, you’re the baby.”

“No, I’m the mommy, or I won’t be your friend.”

“Then you’re not coming to my birthday party.”

This exchange is typical of what preschoolers say when they argue. They may play well together and then suddenly tell each other, “I hate you,” or, “You’re a dummy.” Young children, whose emotions are close to the surface, concentrate on their immediate wishes and needs. And because they’re egocentric, they don’t consider each other’s feelings but let their anger come out in harsh words or actions. Some children give in when spoken to in this way, while others either fights back and persist until they get their way, or try to find an adult to help.

Parents wonder what to do when children are angry with each other. They should begin by setting limits on their child, who is egocentric and needs this adult guidance; on her own, she doesn’t think about others when she’s mad. However, if parents restrict her expressions of anger too much, she may end up believing that anger is bad and inappropriate. When she’s kept from expressing her feelings, they’ll be released in other ways. She may become destructive with her toys or while playing, manipulative with her parents or friends, or tricky as she tries to get other children to do what she wants. She needs a chance to let her anger out, and even if her parents don’t like to hear her say, “I hate you! I’m not playing with you,” they should realize that children are not very good at expressing their exact thoughts. Harsh words are sometimes a young child’s way of letting her strongest negative feelings be known.

When it seems appropriate, parents can let arguing children try to work out their differences themselves as long as no one is getting physically injured or having his or her feelings terribly hurt. Children are sometimes surprisingly good at settling their arguments and can gradually learn to work problems out with one another. A child who seldom has a chance to settle her own arguments may become a “tattle-tale,” dependent on her parents for help even with minor difficulties.

Parents who see that children cannot resolve arguments alone can offer suggestions. “Why don’t you both pretend you’re mommies and let your dolls be the babies?” If one child shouts something mean to another, parents should avoid saying, “That’s not nice!” and instead say, “You’re really mad because Tanya doesn’t want you to play now. Why don’t you tell her that?” Even if angry children ignore parents’ suggestions, the very presence of adults will have a restraining effect. Children tend to be less aggressive with each other when parents are nearby.

You can lessen your child’s involvement in arguments by avoiding situations that usually lead to problems. For instance, your child may play well with one child at a time, but not when a third joins in. Three can be a difficult number – two friends will often pair up and exclude or attack the third. If you can’t avoid this situation, give all three children frequent reminders about getting along and including each other in play. If your child consistently argues with one particular playmate, limit their time together or tell them, “You have to find a way to get along with each other or I’m not going to let you play together.” Your young child’s anger, no matter how momentary, is very real and very strong. Allow her emotions to be heard, but when necessary, help her control her anger by setting firm limits.

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“It’s mine!” screams the young boy, yanking a toy from another child.

“That’s not nice,” his mother says. “Michelle is your friend and I want you to share with her.”

“No, it’s mine!”

At times almost all young children have trouble sharing. Even eighteen-month-olds argue over toys, although conflicts generally peak between the ages of two and two and one half. Episodes of screaming, crying, and even biting are not uncommon when children struggle for a toy. Sometimes the severity of the anger and anxiety that young children exhibit is incomprehensible to adults. One mother who took care of several young children described her daughter’s behavior during this stage as horrifying: “When Tali was two she would stand at the front door with her arms spread out and yell, ‘MINE’!”

What parents should try to understand is that a child’s possessions are important to him and that he feels violated if another child handles them. When a friend comes into a child’s home, the child suddenly is asked to give up his toys, to share with someone who usually doesn’t ask before using something. His biggest fear is that he will lose his toys, or that they will no longer belong to him. That’s why he screams and tugs at a possession, crying, “It’s mine!”

Because a young child’s thinking is egocentric, he sees things only from his point of view and is unmoved by his parents’ logical reasons for sharing: “Your friend wants to use this toy. How would you feel if he didn’t share with you?” The question doesn’t make sense to children these ages and it won’t change their behavior. A child also won’t be moved by his friend’s obvious distress at not having a chance to share a toy. One three and one-half year old child became interested in her toy vacuum cleaner only after her friend took it out of the closet to use. A struggle ensued between the two children until the mother intervened. “Jesse was using the toy first. How would you feel if your friend Niki took her toys away from you while you were visiting her?” The child stood quietly with a blank look on her face and said, “It’s my vacuum cleaner.” Such lack of concern for another’s feelings may be difficult for parents to accept because adult thinking is so different from a young child’s.

Parents who are frustrated or embarrassed by their child’s unwillingness to share may blame themselves or have negative feelings about their child, considering him to be bad or selfish. After watching him grab a toy, parents may become angry and try to force him to share. But once they realize that trouble with sharing is a normal aspect of development, they usually feel more comfortable and tolerant. Talking to other parents about sharing also may help. It’s helpful to remember that sometimes even adults have problems sharing. People argue over parking spaces and cut each other off during rush hour. And an adult need only imagine a visiting friend opening drawers and looking at personal belongings to understand how a child feels.

Understanding your child’s difficulty with sharing may bring some comfort, although you’ll still have to deal with struggles over toys. Unfortunately, there are no magic answers to the problems of sharing, but there are things you can try to lessen the tension. First, you can prepare your child. If a friend is coming to visit, say, “When Michelle comes over she’ll want to play with your blocks, your puzzles, and the sliding board.” Ask Michelle’s parents to send along a little bag of toys for your child to play with. Don’t expect your child to share all his toys when a friend visits. You may want to put away a few special possessions, or explain to visitors that there are some toys he doesn’t want to share.

If he grabs everything away from his friend, tell him, “Michelle’s using that now and when she’s finished, you can use it.” Then tell Michelle, “When you’re done with that toy, please share it.” Sometimes you may want to set time limits for taking turns, but understand that your child may be frustrated by having to give up a toy he’s playing with or trying to master. Imagine that you’re attempting to make a cake. You take out the ingredients, start to mix them, and then hear, “Time’s up! It’s Sharon’s turn.” You’d indignantly reply, “I’m not done yet!” and even a few minutes more wouldn’t help. That’s how your two- to five-year-old feels when forced to stop what he’s doing and take turns.

When the struggle over toys becomes intense, you can try to interest your child in playing with something else. Or it may help to offer him choices: “Which toy would you like your friend to use – the ball or the puzzle?” If he can’t choose, you choose for him. You may have to distract him by playing with him yourself or reading him a book. Although this can be frustrating, especially if you’re involved in conversation with another adult, you should recognize that conflicts among young children, and the resulting interruptions, are unavoidable.

Parents often find that sharing is easier if children play outside, if they play at a friend’s house rather than at their own house, or if they are involved in something together, such as coloring, using play dough, or painting. Whatever you try, though, sharing will probably still be a problem. As you set limits on the struggles, reassure your child that you understand what a difficult time he’s having. And remember to model the behavior you want him to adopt. If you are giving, if you share courteously, your child will eventually copy you. Children learn more from parents’ examples than from parents’ admonitions.

By the time your child is three or four years old, you’ll notice a general change in his attitude toward sharing. He’ll show less anxiety when a friend uses a toy and will begin to say, “Here, you use this,” or “Let’s both play with these.” When he’s four or five, he’ll begin to place more value on friendship. Eventually, he may be sharing more openly than you’d like, and you may find yourself saying, “Don’t let him use your bike – he might ruin it,” or “Don’t let her take that toy home with her.” In the meantime, though, you can help your young child get past his difficulty with sharing by being patient, understanding this developmental phase, and not applying too much pressure.

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“How long till my birthday?”

“When is three weeks up?”

“Is it Halloween yet?”

Parents hear such questions whenever special occasions approach. Children have a hard time waiting, and since their concept of time is different from an adult’s, they ask about holidays over and over again. Parents can tell their excited child that Christmas is four weeks away and almost immediately, she will ask again, “How long before Christmas?”

She begins anticipating a holiday as soon as preparations begin. Her day care or nursery school class might make Valentine cards weeks in advance, and her friends might discuss Halloween costumes long before October. Christmas preparations sometimes begin before Thanksgiving, giving children a great deal of time to watch holiday commercials, see store decorations going up, and think about presents.

When there’s a long period of anticipation before a special event, children get anxious and excited and may go through behavior changes, becoming sillier, more active, and more likely to whine. Children who are admonished to “be good” in order to get birthday or Christmas gifts may feel pressured and become more aggressive. It’s very hard under any circumstances for a child to be consistently good, and when she’s anxiously anticipating a holiday, behaving well is that much harder. Some parents find that their child’s behavior improves if they ease up on the holiday pressure, perhaps giving a surprise treat (“Just because I love you”) to slow the build-up.

Parents also can try to help their child deal with the waiting period by giving her a calendar to mark off, or by making a special paper chain. Each day for a week or two, she can tear off one link; the day all the links are gone is the day she’s been waiting for. These devices help some children stay calm, but generally children remain very excited. Parents should be patient with the excitement and expect that their child will continually want the celebration to begin “now.” They can sympathize if they consider their own feelings before special parties or vacations.

Your child may get particularly worked up before her birthday. Since party preparation takes time, you may start planning the celebration weeks before the date, while your child considers whom to invite and what presents she’d like. She may be very excited about the gifts and party or she may have mixed feelings about being the center of attention and may decide, as one five-year-old did, “Nobody should sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me at my party.” She may worry ahead of time about having eight or ten friends over at once, and may be concerned about sharing her toys and letting the guests see her presents. One child, concerned about her anticipated gifts, said, “At the party, no one can come and play in my room.” Although there is no way to keep your child from feeling excited and anxious before her birthday, if you anticipate her feelings, you will be better able to reassure her.

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Children like to do what their parents do, and parents spend a lot of time on the telephone. Even before a child is two years old, he’ll imitate his parents by using a toy phone, holding a real phone, pushing the buttons, and making sounds. When he’s between two and three, he’ll want to talk on the phone and, given the chance, he may do comical things. He might listen and nod without saying a word, or he may hold objects up to the phone so his listener can see them since he assumes that if he can see something, everyone else can. One two-year-old had his aunt hold on while he got his pet gerbil. “See,” he said, holding the animal up to the receiver, “he’s moving around.”

Children like to imitate their parents by being first to answer the phone. Parents who want to avoid this situation shout, “I’ll get it,” but sometimes their child also shouts, “I’ll get it,” and races his parents to the phone. When a two-year-old answers, he might just hold it, saying nothing. A three-year-old might pick up the phone and say, “Who is this?” or “What do you want?” and a four- or five-year-old who is given a message by a caller will probably forget it. At these young ages, children’s conversations are all about themselves. Once they’ve said what they want to say, they may simply hang up without thinking or caring about the person on the other end.

Children are fascinated by the telephone not only because their parents use it, but also because it has a magical quality. It’s both tool and toy, and it lets a child share his thoughts with other people, something children like to do. They also like to talk on the phone because they don’t want to feel left out. If parents are having a conversation, children want to be in on it and they want the attention their parents are giving to whoever is on the line.

Parents often are frustrated when their child wants to talk, especially when they’re engaged in important calls. He might yell and have a tantrum if he’s not allowed to talk, and such noise can embarrass parents. If he becomes too disruptive, his parent might have to end an important call prematurely, hoping that the person on the other end is understanding. Although parents can gradually teach a five- or six-year-old not to interrupt important calls, explanations do little good with younger, egocentric children. Sometimes they can be distracted by a silent offer of toys or food, but more often they just keep interrupting.

Parents may feel particularly embarrassed if their child answers an important phone call. One mother expected a business call from a man named Paul Jones. Her son picked up the phone, listened, and then shouted, “It’s Paul Bones. Who’s he?” A four-year-old can be taught to answer the phone politely, but parents of younger children have to be tolerant and hope their callers understand children’s behavior and have a sense of humor.

One way you can accommodate your young child’s desire to answer the phone is to ask relatives or friends to call at prearranged times; then you can safely let your child answer and talk. If you have an adult who enjoys making such calls, you may be able to keep your child from interrupting you. Tell him, “As soon as I’m off the phone, we’ll dial Aunt Ellen and ask her to give you a call.”

If you’re having a phone conversation with the parent of a child the same age as yours, ask if your child can talk for a few moments. The other parent will certainly understand and may want to put his or her own child on to talk to you. And since children like to talk to each other, your child may especially enjoy a chance to call one of his friends.

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Parents probably benefit from playgroups more than their children do. Parents of very young children often feel isolated, so they welcome a chance to meet with other adults, compare child rearing stories and advice, and observe how other parents handle their children. Of course the children also can benefit from a playgroup, and as they get older, they enjoy seeing their friends regularly and playing at each other’s homes.

If you’re interested in starting a playgroup, talk to other parents about the possibility. Ask your neighbors and friends or look in grocery stores, houses of worship, and newsletters for notices from other interested parents. Although playgroups are most convenient when the participants live near each other, groups often form between people in different neighborhoods.

Your playgroup will probably work best with three to five children of mixed ages. If all the children are two and one-half, there will be a great deal of arguing over possessions, but if some are two and some are four, group meetings will be more harmonious. The youngest child will be happy playing alone next to the others, and the oldest ones will be more likely than the two-year-olds to share toys.

Many playgroups are successful meeting in the morning, although some meet between 3:30 and 5:30 in the afternoon, normally a slow time for at-home parents with young children. Other playgroups meet on the weekends so parents who work full-time can participate.

Your playgroup will probably get together once a week, meeting at each member’s house in turn. In some groups, every parent comes every time, while in others, parents rotate attendance so that in a group with six children, two parents attend any one session while four have the time free. The success of this rotating method depends on the ages and personalities of the children, and how well the families know each other. Some young children do not want to be separated from their parents and may cry for a few minutes or for the whole play session, particularly if the parents in charge are not familiar.

Before your playgroup begins meeting, get together with the other parents involved and develop rules and standards for practical issues. What kind of snack will be served? What happens when children fight? Who should bring toys? How will you handle the problem of sharing toys?

Your playgroup will be most successful if the parents involved share similar interests and attitudes, especially regarding parenting, since conflicts can arise when one group member accepts behavior that bothers another. As long as the adult members of a playgroup are basically compatible, they should be able to talk about their differences and try to work out solutions to the group’s problems.

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