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Parents may spank their child in anger or frustration or when they don’t know how else to get their point across. Some parents believe that spanking is the only way to teach children to listen and behave well. Yet, spanking is not necessary; there are other, more effective ways to get children to change their behavior.

In our society, spanking is still a widely accepted method of discipline. Although many parents defend spanking by saying, “I was spanked and I turned out OK,” or, “It’s the only way to get the message across,” others feel guilty, defensive, and embarrassed about hitting their children: “I know I shouldn’t have spanked him, but…” They often wince when seeing a child spanked in public and wonder, “Is that what I do to my child?” Some parents feel guilty after spanking and want to follow up with a hug or an apology to assure themselves they haven’t lost their child’s love. Still other parents say that, though they spank, they really don’t believe spanking changes their child’s negative behavior. Even those parents who strongly believe in the effectiveness of spanking say it usually only temporarily stops inappropriate behavior.

There are problems with spanking. One is that a child will imitate what her parents do. If they hit her in order to change her behavior, shouldn’t she also hit when someone does something she doesn’t like? Can they fairly tell her not to hit when they discipline her spanking?

Spanking can be a particular problem with a child under two and one-half, who often doesn’t understand ahead of time that an action is wrong. She may touch a glass vase because she thinks it’s beautiful. If she’s suddenly spanked, she won’t easily see that she has done something inappropriate, but rather will focus on the pain and shock of the spanking. It’s very difficult for a child this age to make a connection between her own behavior and a spanking, yet one of the goals of discipline is to have children make those connections.

Spanking a child who is over three or four may actually hinder discipline. Parents hope their child will eventually develop self-discipline and a sense of right and wrong. As she grows older, she should begin to feel bad about her unacceptable behavior, and her gradual emerging sense of guilt should start to keep her from misbehaving as frequently. But when she is spanked for her wrongdoings, she doesn’t learn to monitor her own behavior. She may learn instead that as long as she doesn’t get caught, she can misbehave. And if she does get caught, any guilt feelings she has will be relieved by the spanking, since she has “paid the consequences.” Eventually, she will learn that if she can tolerate the spanking, she no longer has to feel bad about her negative actions or try to alter her behavior. Even when parents explain to the child why they have spanked her and how they want her to change, she may be too angry or humiliated at the time of the spanking to listen and learn.

Discipline works best when parents set firm limits verbally and then follow through by removing their child from the scene of her misbehavior, taking away an object or privilege she’s abused, or having her spend time alone until she can change her behavior. When punishment is relevant to the inappropriate behavior—when the child who throws a block has to stop playing with the blocks—she can make the connection between her actions and its consequences. Until children develop self-control, they are motivated best by the desire for parental approval and the fear of losing privileges and toys.

Even a child under two can make a connection when she’s given a firm “no” and removed from a dangerous situation. Parents often feel that they must spank their young child to teach her critical safety rules such as not to play in the street. But firm and consistent warnings, frequent reminders, and most importantly, close supervision are effective in keeping children out of danger.

Sometimes parents say, “When I tell my child to stop, she ignores me, but when I spank her, she does what I want.” One mother who was browsing in a department store with her three-year-old became angry when he tried to investigate the dressing rooms. She repeatedly warned him not to go near them and then spanked him for not listening. He cried, turned around in circles several times, and looked defeated. The situation is a familiar one, yet the mother had other options that would have left her and her child feeling happier. Since young children have a hard time listening to limits when they have an intense need to explore, the mother could have acknowledged her child’s interest and even taken a moment to look into the dressing room with him. This might have made it easier for him to do what she wanted. Or she could have gently but firmly told him there was no time to explore that day. She also could have tried to distract him or to carry him away from the area of the dressing room.

Because children’s behavior can be so frustrating, parents sometimes find themselves on the verge of “losing it” and may feel ready to hit or spank their child. At such times, it’s important to remember that young children have only a limited ability to integrate rules.

Disciplining children is a complex, gradual task. Your young child needs to be reminded of the limits over and over, and you will have to be patient as she slowly learns self-discipline. If you spank her, she will feel defenseless, humiliated, and angry, and may not understand the connection between what she did and what you are doing to her. It takes a lot of self-control not to spank and to trust that she can still learn appropriate behavior. If, instead of spanking your child, you set firm limits and follow through in relevant way, she will be able to listen to you without feeling vulnerable and defeated.

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“I want this now!” shouts a two-year-old, pulling candy off a grocery shelf.

“Not today,” says his mother.

“Yes, I want candy!”

When his mother again refuses, the child responds with a full-fledged temper tantrum: screaming, crying, thrashing, and kicking. Tantrums like this are hard to watch, they are embarrassing, and they can make parents feel helpless.

Why do children have tantrums? At times, the child is simply overtired or hungry. Most often, however, the answers are rooted in developmental characteristics. Children have very little self-control; they live in the here and now and act on their immediate desires. When Parents respond to a child’s wishes by saying “no,” he reacts negatively sometimes sensing rejection. Young children lack the ability to think logically and follow adult reasoning. A child will probably not understand why his parents deny one of his wishes, even, though their explanations may make perfect sense to them. Another reason for temper tantrums, particularly with preverbal toddlers, is the young child’s inability to express his needs and wants fully. When his parents can’t understand him, he becomes easily frustrated.

If you’re concerned about temper tantrums, there are a number of approaches you can try, including prevention. Since you know your child’s wants, you can guess which situations are likely to cause tantrums and plan ahead for these times. For example, when you anticipate a struggle at the candy counter or when shopping at a mall, carry a few small toys, some juice, or crackers with you. If the situation becomes tense, use these to distract your child. You also can set limits for your three- or four-year-old before you leave the house: “We’re only looking today,” or, “Remember, I’m only buying you one thing.” Try to be sure he understands the limits, but remember it’s hard for him to “only look” and not buy.

There’s another technique that may prevent a tantrum: compromise. You can tell your child, “I won’t buy candy, but I will buy you a pretzel.” This and the other prevention methods sometimes work well, but at times he may have a temper tantrum in spite of your efforts. If this happens, you’ll have to decide how to respond. Most likely your reaction will vary with the situation, depending on where you are and whom you’re with. But your choices will be the same-you can meet your child’s demand, distract him, or let him have the tantrum.

You may choose to meet his demand because you realize that it’s not so unreasonable after all. Perhaps you were being too rigid when you first rejected his request. Or perhaps you feel that saying “no” is not worth the struggle or tantrum.

If you don’t give in to your child, you may try distracting him. Remind him about a recent pleasurable experience, point out something interesting, or talk about something good that will happen soon ‘you may be surprised at how effective distraction can be in defusing a conflict.

Finally, you may choose to let the tantrum run its course. Although coping can be hard, if you wait calmly, your child will soon quiet down. Just be sure he’s safe during his tantrum and unable to harm himself or others or cause any damage.

Tantrums are difficult for you and your young child. But as he grows older he’ll gain more understanding and you’ll find it easier to set limits. Once he outgrows that urgent need to have everything now, there will be far fewer tantrums to struggle with.

Parents often feel they spend a great part of each day disciplining their young children: “Don’t use the toy that way-you might hurt someone,” “No hitting,” “Leave the dog alone,” “You have to come in now,” “That’s too loud.” Setting limits for young children can be difficult, complex, and time-consuming, but it’s essential. Parents have to teach their child acceptable behavior while controlling or changing unacceptable behavior until she’s old enough to exert some self-control and understand why rules are important. In order to handle this task effectively, parents need information about their child’s egocentric development plus realistic expectations, empathy, patience, love, and respect for their child.

Disciplining young children is an extremely important part of parenting, yet there are parents who don’t set adequate limits. Some feel overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and may not know where to start. Other parents just don’t think about the importance of setting limits or leave the job to neighbors, friends, relatives, and most commonly, teachers. Probably the major reason parents fail to discipline their child is because they fear her anger and the loss of her love. Rather than face rejection, they ignore unacceptable behavior, give in, or rationalize, “Kids will be kids.” But setting consistent limits is one of the major responsibilities of parenting and is not a job that should be ignored or put off.

Many parents doubt their ability: “Am I too strict or too lenient? Do I expect too much?” Parents are embarrassed by their child’s misbehavior in public and wonder what they’ve done wrong or why she seems worse than others. Since a child’s behavior is often a reflection on her parents, they feel vulnerable and judged by others when their child acts inappropriately; such feelings are normal. Yet, parents should realize that misbehavior is a basic art of childhood. A child learns what is correct by trying all sorts of behavior, “good” and “bad,” until she finds out what is and isn’t acceptable.

Parents should base their expectations and methods of disciplining on their child’s age and ability to understand. A child under two needs constant watching and reminding, while a four- or five-year-old is developing enough self-control and understanding to have some sense of right and wrong. Methods that work with older children, such as telling a child to spend “time out,” or spelling out the consequences of her misbehavior, are ineffective with younger children who do not understand or have trouble remembering the rules.

Children three and younger have such strong developmental needs to explore, touch, and do things for themselves that they have difficulty sticking to limits. Because their immediate needs are so great and because they focus so completely on the here and now, they usually don’t realize they’re doing something wrong, even if they’ve been told many times. When reprimanded, children this age often will look surprised and hurt.

In order to set limits, parents (or caregivers) have to stay fairly close by, offer frequent reminders, get involved with the child, and always be aware of what she’s doing. When children are not supervised, they lose sight of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. If a child is playing inappropriately, her parents have to be right there, gently but firmly correcting her: “No, you can’t play that way-it’s too dangerous.” If talking doesn’t work, parents should remove her from the situation and then involve her in something else. “I’m not going to let you climb over that chair because you might fall, but you can play here on the cushions.” Sometimes offering an alternative works because children can be easily distracted by interesting objects and activities. Connecting a restriction to an activity also works because a Young child can understand the relationship: “If you want to ride your bike, you have to stay in front of the house,” “If you want to play outside, you have to keep your jacket on.”

Children three and under often reject limits and say “no,” not only because they want to continue their activities, but because they are asserting their independence and learning what they can do. And sometimes parents set limits unnecessarily because they underestimate what a young child can do. A three-year-old who wanted to hold a ‘screwdriver was told, “No, it’s too sharp.” But when she protested, her father decided to let her try as long as she sat at a table next to him so he could supervise. She was happy, and her father realized that he could relax some of the limitations he’d set.

Usually, though, parents know how they want their child to act. When she misbehaves, parents may feel angry and momentarily withdraw their love and attention. Since a young child wants parental approval, she feels hurt when she’s criticized for doing something wrong. She can’t separate her action from herself and feels that she’s being rejected for who she is, not for what she has done. The removal of parental acceptance often motivates a two- or three-year-old to change her behavior and to run to her parents for a hug after she’s been disciplined.

A four- or five-year-old may not react this way. After being disciplined, her hurt feelings and embarrassment might turn to anger and resistance, and she may test her own power and her parents’ limits. Yet, she too wants to be loved and accepted, and finds parental approval a strong motivator.

Verbal limit-setting and distraction work with four- and five-year-olds, but since they have a better understanding of consequences than younger children do, they also respond to other methods of disciplining. When a four- or five-year-old becomes angry and aggressive, her parents can try to distract her. If she doesn’t calm down, they should firmly say, “Your behavior is unacceptable. If you keep acting this way you’ll spend time in your room.” If parents have to follow through on this, they can tell their child she can come out of her room as soon as she is in control of herself.

It’s better, in such a situation, to let her determine the amount of time she’ll spend in her room. When parents set a limit, but not a time limit, the cooling off period lasts only as long as is necessary for her to calm down. If instead parents dictate a waiting period of twenty minutes or half an hour, she may calm down and then forget why she was sent to her room as she involves herself with her toys and books. Even fifteen minutes of isolation is a long time unless the choice to stay ay is the child’s. The point of taking time out is not to spend time away from the family, but to change unacceptable behavior. However, if the child abuses the right to set her own time-out period or if her behavior remains unchanged, her parents should set a time limit themselves.

Many times, parents punish four- and five-year olds by taking away toys or privileges. This can be most effective when there’s a connection between the misbehavior and what’s taken away. For instance, if a child uses her bike in a dangerous way, an appropriate consequence would be to have her give up the bike temporarily. A child who continually throws sand would lose the privilege of playing in the sandbox for an afternoon. Before taking something away, parents should warn their child about what will happen if she continues to misbehave. The object or privilege should not be removed for an excessively long time or she’ll concentrate only on the unfairness of the situation, not on her misbehavior. The point of this punishment is to help her see a connection between, for instance, abusing the bike and losing the bike. Often the warning that there will be consequences is enough to deter a child from misbehaving again.

However, it’s not always possible to find a connection. If a child hits her brother, what should her parents take away? Parents sometimes remove something unrelated, such as a toy, privilege, or dessert. Although it’s unwise to make dessert a focus of power, many parents find that their child changes her behavior when threatened with the loss of sweets for a meal. She does this not because she understands her parents’ point but because she wants to avoid the punishment.

When taking something away, or using any other form of discipline, parents should be sure the consequences come soon after the misbehavior. This gives the child a chance to connect her actions with their consequences, and it ensures that parents will follow through. Often, when parents tell a child in the morning that she’ll be punished in the evening, she knows that they may forget or change their minds.

One mother, eating lunch in a fast food restaurant with her five-year-old, said, “If you keep misbehaving you’re going to bed at 7:00 tonight.” When the child continued acting up the mother said, “All right. Now you’re going to bed at 6:30.” The punishment seemed so far away and so drastic to the child that she felt helpless and continued misbehaving. Instead of making a distant threat, the mother could have tried distracting her daughter or telling her she would have to move to the next table, or warning her they’d have to leave the restaurant. Then the child could have made the connection between her behavior and the consequences.

A disciplining method that some parents find successful with three- to five-year-olds is counting: “By the time I count to five, I want you indoors,” or, “I’ll count to ten while you get ready for your bath.” This usually offers a limit, a warning, and a bit of time, although if the technique is overused it becomes ineffective.

An important element of disciplining a child of any age is the tone of voice parent’s use. When they sound firm and sure of themselves, children often respond well, but when parents are unsure about what limits to impose, their children get mixed messages. The most effective tone is respectful but firm. Parents should begin setting a limit by speaking in a quiet, polite, firm voice. If that doesn’t work, they can assert themselves more forcefully and speak in an authoritative voice. But yelling at a child is not as effective as firmly stating a limit (although it’s often difficult to keep from yelling). It’s sometimes helpful to stand close to a child, quietly repeating a warning or prohibition.

When disciplining a child, parents should always consider their own anger. Sometimes, when bothered by personal problems, parents may overreact to their child’s behavior. They should let their four- or five-year-old know when they are in a bad mood and at some point apologize if they’ve been unreasonably mad. When they feel out of control and unable to deal with their anger, they should spend some time in a separate room away from their child until they calm down.

Parents should not be too forceful and harsh when disciplining their child. If the child always loses, or is always given negative feedback and doesn’t feel accepted, what incentive does she have to behave well? Parents who are too hard on their child only encourage her anger and aggression while causing her to feel bad about herself.

It may be helpful for parents to remember their own feelings as children. Were they disciplined harshly? Do they want their child to know the same anger and frustration they once experienced? Parents who felt unfairly disciplined often say they won’t treat their child the same way, but in moments of anger, it takes a great deal of patience to deal with misbehavior in appropriate ways.

Remember that children learn not just from your words, but from your actions. If you treat your child with kindness and respect and show that you value her, she’ll model her behavior after yours. When children feel good, they usually behave nicely and have an easier time accepting the limits you impose. And when children are treated courteously, they learn what courteous behavior is. It’s as important to praise and encourage your child when you’re pleased with her as it is to set limits when you’re unhappy.

It takes time and patience to help children learn self-discipline. Distinguishing right from wrong is a gradual process, and children these ages don’t yet have the necessary reasoning skills. If you have tried everything you can and your child still acts inappropriately at an age when she should have learned a fair amount of control see if something is disturbing your family relationship. The birth of a baby, a move, family illness, or divorce can cause behavior problems. Perhaps you’re spending too much time away from your child. If discipline problems caused by such circumstances persist, consider seeking professional advice on how to help your child.

Children want to try doing many things for themselves. An eighteen-month-old wants to push buttons, put a key in the keyhole, walk down the steps, and get his own vitamin. A two-year-old wants to take the wrapper off his candy and fasten his seat belt, while a three-year-old wants to work the computer and pour his own juice. Sometimes children are successful at the tasks they choose for themselves, and at other times they struggle in frustration because they lack skills and dexterity. Still, the drive to do for themselves is very strong.

Parents who respect their child’s desire to do things for himself help him develop a strong sense of autonomy. Since his self-image is partly determined by the way his parents respond to his desire for independence, he’ll feel good about himself when he’s allowed to tackle jobs on his own. On the other hand, if his parents discourage him too often, he’ll begin to doubt his own abilities.

In general, parents should let their child at least start a task he’s interested in. If he’s unsuccessful, they can offer guidance, and if he’s unable to follow their suggestions they can then offer to do the job for him. Parents often jump in too soon because they find it difficult to watch their child struggle with a task. They naturally want to help, but often he doesn’t want help. If they find it too hard to stay uninvolved, they should occupy themselves with something else while he works.

Sometimes parents will not be able to let their child do a task for himself. One family, for example, was about to go home after seeing a circus when their two-year-old insisted on tying his own shoe. As they tried to help him and hurry him along, he became angry and frustrated, and nearby families stopped to watch the struggle. The parents finally solved the problem by telling their son he could carry his shoe out and tie it himself in the car, but often such conflicts are not easily resolved.

Despite the best intentions, parents may find themselves in an embarrassing situation, carrying away a screaming, angry child who wants to stay put until he’s finished a task. Such times are difficult for parents, who feel judged by others and frustrated by their child’s actions. Yet, he doesn’t understand his parents’ feelings, and often will focus only on his own needs unless he’s distracted.

Sometimes parents don’t want him to do a job for himself because they don’t want to deal with the mess that will result, or because they’re in a hurry. But when they say, “Let me do that for you,” they may be in for arguments, struggles, or temper tantrums.

To minimize such resistance, warn your child ahead of time if there won’t be time for him to dress himself or do some other task. “We’re in a hurry today, so I’m going to help you.” Try to distract him: “Why don’t you look at this book while I put your shoes on?” “Let me tell you a story while I get your breakfast ready.”

If a task your child wants to try is too difficult or messy, break it into steps and let him try a small part of the job. If he can’t yet brush his teeth, let him hold the toothbrush while you put the toothpaste on, and let him hold your hand as you brush. He will feel pleased to participate, and in time, step by step, he’ll take over the job for himself.

Being patient with children at this stage is difficult because patience, distraction, and preparation don’t necessarily work-your child will angrily demand to do something for himself when you don’t want him to or when he is incapable of doing the job. Still, the more he is allowed to try on his own, the less likely he is to argue when you have to take over a task. And as you see how pleased he is with his accomplishments and how good he feels about his abilities, you will understand why it is important to let him do many things for himself.

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The transition from diapers to toilet use is an important one in a child’s development. If parents are patient and non-pressuring as their child learns to use the toilet, the family will get through this stage easily. But if they try to force toilet-training, this stage may cause a lot of anger and unhappiness.

Parents often initiate early toilet-training because they feel a great deal of pressure. Nursery schools and day care centers want children to be trained, and friends and relatives offer criticism: “You were trained at two! What’s wrong with your child?” “You really should start toilet-training him.” There’s often competition among parents to see who has the youngest toilet-trained child, as though toilet-training were a race. Many people mistakenly feel that the faster a child develops (and the sooner he’s toilet-trained), the smarter or better he is.

Aside from starting toilet-training in response to pressure, many parents start because they don’t believe their child will acquire the skill on his own. Although they have seen their child learn to crawl, walk, and talk, they find it hard to trust that he’ll also use the toilet when he’s ready.

Children can train themselves, but the ages at which they’re able to do so vary since in this, as in all areas of development, some children are ready sooner than others. Between two and three, most gain enough bladder and bowel control to be able to use the toilet on their own, although some don’t use the toilet until they are three and one-half. Emotional factors such as the birth of a sibling, a move, or a mother going back to work can delay a child’s readiness.

Often, children show an interest in the toilet at eighteen months, but parents should not take this as a sign that a child is ready for toilet training. At this age, a child’s body is not mature enough and any toilet use will be controlled by his parents. He’s just temporarily interested in flushing the toilet, tearing toilet paper, and imitating the other members of his family. Some children under two are afraid of the toilet. It’s large, and they fear they’ll fall in or be flushed down and disappear. A small potty seat is less frightening, but many children won’t use one, insisting on the same toilet the rest of the family uses.

If parents initiate toilet-training before their child is ready, the whole family may suffer. Parents use up a great deal of energy putting him on the toilet every twenty minutes, constantly praising or scolding him, doing the extra laundry and cleanup that results from frequent accidents, and working out reward systems using candy or stars to motivate their child. It’s particularly difficult for parents to handle the resistance of a two-year-old who reacts negatively to any parental pressure or suggestions. At that age, a child strives for autonomy and wants to assert himself and take charge of all aspects of his life: “I can do it myself!” Certainly there are some children who are easily trained by their parents, and other children who quickly learn to use the toilet because they temporarily fear losing their parents’ love and acceptance. But most are not successfully trained if their parents start too soon.

Often, all of the efforts backfire, and the child becomes strongly opposed to using the toilet. This situation can develop because he has been over-praised for toilet use. Once he sees how important the issue is to his parents and how happy they are when he goes to the bathroom, he may realize on some level how unhappy he can make them by not going. This may become his weapon in power struggles.

Toilet-training efforts also can backfire because he has been pressed too hard to be “a big boy.” Sometimes he feels so anxious about disappointing his parents that he won’t even try using the toilet for fear of failure. Finally, a child who doesn’t like to be pushed and controlled might try to exert his own power by rejecting his parents’ suggestions. Rather than use the toilet, he might become constipated or else urinate or have a bowel movement as soon as he’s taken off the toilet, soiling the floor or his pants. If parents feel they must initiate toilet-training, they should hold off until he’s three and make sure training doesn’t interfere with other developmental changes.

The best approach is simply to wait until the child is ready to start on his own. Children have an innate drive to grow and develop a strong desire to imitate and please their parents, and determination to do things for themselves. All of these urges will come together if he’s not pressured to use the toilet before he’s physically and emotionally ready. It takes a great deal of patience and confidence in your child to wait. But eventually he will let you know that he wants to use the toilet. Offer support and help: “Would you like me to turn on the light? Can I help you with your pants?” You can give simple acknowledgment of what he’s done, or you might want to reflect back to him his own pleasure and pride.

Once he’s initiated toilet use, he’ll quickly give up diapers. However, even past four years old, he’ll occasionally have accidents because of stress or he’ll forget to get to a bathroom on time because he will be too busy playing. As long as you haven’t excessively praised him or shamed him for his previous toilet use and accidents, he won’t feel too bad when he wets.

Your attitudes towards toilet-training determine, in large part, how successful this phase of your child’s development will be. If you anticipate struggles, you’ll probably have them. But if you’re relaxed and willing to let your child set the pace, you and he will have an easier time.

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One of the first tasks most children try is getting dressed on their own. They feel proud and excited when they dress themselves, and they look to their parents for approval.

There’s no need to try convincing or teaching a young child to dress herself because most children express an interest in the activity on their own. First, a child will learn to take off her shoes, socks, and pants, since children are able to take their clothes off before they can put them on. By age three, she may want to do most of her own dressing (excluding snaps and buttons), although her clothes will often be inside out or backwards. By the time she’s four or five, she’ll be able to dress completely with little help.

When your child begins dressing herself, she may be frustrated by zippers, snaps, buttons, and shirts with small neck openings. Even though she can’t master these, she may insist on trying-a situation that often leads to anger and tantrums. You might want to avoid difficult clothes and buy pull-on pants and tops until she’s ready to use fasteners.

As she learns to dress herself, she may want to practice her new skills by changing her clothes several times a day, creating great piles of clothing to clean up or launder. She also may want to choose her own clothes, sometimes picking the same easy-to-put-on outfit over and over, or choosing clothes that don’t fit well, don’t match, or are inappropriate for the weather or the occasion. As long as you’re staying inside, there’s no need to make an issue out of how she looks. But at times when you want her to look nice, you may end up struggling over her choices.

You can eliminate some of the problem by laying out two outfits and letting her choose one to wear, or by putting in her drawers only those clothes that fit and are suitable for the season. Another possibility is to fill one drawer with a few sets of clothes that mix and match, letting her choose what to wear from these preselected outfits. These suggestions require time and energy, but the effort might be worth it if she’s determined to pick out her own clothes each day.

When you’re rushed, you may end up struggling with your child if she’s determined to dress herself. If you leave the house every morning, you may be able to avoid arguments by setting the alarm clock fifteen minutes early to give her time to dress. At other times, let her know that you are going to help with dressing because you’re rushed. If she has generally been allowed to dress herself, she may not resist your efforts. But if she does, try offering a distraction such as, “Let’s get dressed quickly so we can get some crackers.”

A surprising development may occur once your child has learned to dress herself efficiently: she may not want to do it anymore. She may say, “I can’t,” or “I don’t want to,” or, “You get me dressed.” Frequently, when a child has mastered a skill such as dressing, she loses interest and it becomes a chore rather than a challenge. You may feel that if you give in and dress her, you’re being manipulated. You may even try to force her to dress herself, although when children are forced, they often slow down and procrastinate. You have to decide whether this is an issue worth struggling over.

Compromise and flexibility seem most effective. If your child is tired, uninterested, or simply wants to be taken care of for a while, it’s all right to dress her yourself. At other times you may want to help her get dressed: “You do the shirt and I’ll put on your pants.” And when you want her to consistently dress herself, usually by the time she is five, let her know: “Before you come down for breakfast, I want you to get dressed.”

It’s best to avoid power struggles over getting dressed. In child development, steps forward are often followed by steps backward. Enjoy your child’s pride when she’s able to dress herself, and trust that by age five or six she will take on the job permanently.

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