Category Ask the Psychologist

During infancy, a child’s mouth is her main source of pleasure and satisfaction. She enjoys sucking at the breast or bottle, drinking warm milk, and sucking on her fingers or thumb. Starting at about six months, she also gets oral enjoyment and relief from teething by sucking and biting on objects around her.

Babies don’t just put things in their mouths for pleasure or comfort, though – they also use their mouths for exploration. They learn about objects by tasting them, feeling their texture, and experimenting with them. Until a child is about two years old, many things that she plays with will eventually go into her mouth. She’ll pick up things from the floor, chew on her stroller safety strap, and even try to put her parents’ keys in her mouth.

Because she can’t tell what are safe or unsafe, parents have to be very watchful. If your child is at this oral stage, you must pick up pieces of fuzz, crumbs, and small toys so she will not accidentally choke on them. You also have to be sure that the objects she puts in her mouth are clean.

This developmental phase may seem long and tiresome to you, but if you start pulling safe objects out of your child’s mouth, or telling her that “only food should go in your mouth”, you will be depriving her of pleasure and a chance to explore. Try instead to realize and accept the fact that she has to put objects in her mouth because that’s a major way she learns about her environment.

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It’s hard for parents to follow their young child’s lead, especially when it comes to weaning. A child will nurse or use a bottle only as long as he needs to, but most parents don’t trust that he will stop on his own. Instead, they try to hurry him by taking away the bottle, breast, or pacifier before he’s ready.

There’s a lot of pressure on parents to wean their child. The pressure can be strong when the child reaches one year old, and increases as he grows. Friends and relatives ask, “What’s he doing with a bottle? Can’t he drink from a cup yet?” The pediatrician may say, “He doesn’t need to nurse or use a bottle anymore”. One mother reluctantly weaned her twenty-one-month-old son after such a statement from his doctor, although the child still enjoyed the bottle. Even passersby may comment, “He’s too big for a bottle”. Negative remarks are directed not just at the child, but at the parents. “What’s wrong with you? Why are you still nursing?” “Why don’t you take his bottle away?”

Parents feel especially self-conscious when judged by other parents. If the parents of a two and one-half-year-old believe theirs is the only child on the playground who still drinks from a bottle, they will wonder how it looks to other people and what other parents are thinking. They’ll doubt their own judgment and wonder what they’ve done wrong or what’s wrong with their child: “Do I baby him too much? Do we give in to him?” These parents would feel better if they knew that many children are just not ready to be weaned at an early age. Parents can avoid feeling embarrassed in public by distracting their young child and telling him that he’ll have to wait before he can nurse or have his bottle.

If the bottle, breast, or pacifier is taken away from him too soon, he’ll probably look for other ways to satisfy his sucking needs. He might become irritable or start sucking his blanket. One mother, who threw out her fifteen-month-old’s bottles on the advice of her pediatrician, said, “My son seems OK but he started sucking his thumb”. Some breast-fed babies who are weaned at twelve to eighteen months may not yet be ready to give up sucking. If they are only offered a training cup, they may suck the top of the cup just as they would suck on a nipple.

Many children who drink frequently and successfully from a cup still nurse (usually under the age of two) or use a bottle. Between ages two and three, a child may want to suck when he’s tired, feeling stress from a fall or hurt feelings, spending time with a caregiver, or just relaxing with a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. He also may want a bottle whenever he sees another child with one. And during times of transition, such as a move or the arrival of a new baby, a child’s sucking needs may increase.

If he’s allowed to nurse, drink from a bottle, or use his pacifier when he wants, his needs gradually will decrease. Then either on his own or with your help, he will wean himself. This often happens by the time the child is eighteen months to two and one-half, although many older children will still relax before sleep with a bottle.

If parents feel they must hurry the weaning process, they should do so carefully. They should be sure that weaning will not interfere with another stage of development such as learning to use the toilet, beginning day care or nursery school, or adjusting to a new sibling. The process should be stretched over several weeks so the child is not forced abruptly to give up something important.

As your child gives up the bottle or breast, you may have ambivalent feelings. If you nursed, you may feel good about “having your body to yourself” again, or you may be glad to stop fussing with bottles. But you also may feel sad to give up the warm, close feeling you had as you held your child and offered him milk or watched him lie contentedly with his bottle. You also may miss the free time you had when he drank quietly by himself. Whatever your feelings—impatience or reluctance—in time your child will be weaned. If you can wait until he is ready to wean himself, the process will be simpler and more natural.

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Infants do not have the ability to control or postpone their needs. If they’re hungry or need to be comforted, they desire immediate gratification. When parents respond to their infant’s cries, providing food and comfort, the baby begins to trust her world and to feel some small ability to affect what happens to her. If her cries for food are ignored, she has no way to satisfy herself.

Feeding an infant on demand, which means whenever the baby begins to fuss, is one way parents can meet their child’s needs. Demand-fed babies and their parents are usually calmer and more content than families with babies who are fed on a schedule. This is because an infant fed on demand does less crying for food and comfort, and her parents spend less time distracting her since she doesn’t have to be held off until a scheduled feeding. A demand-fed baby also may be easier to put to sleep since she can be soothed with nursing or a bottle when she seems tired. There’s no chance of overfeeding a demand-fed child; an infant will not drink more than she wants or needs.

Parents who do not choose to feed their baby on demand, but rather on a schedule, often find themselves trying to comfort or put off their crying child. She might want to be fed, but the parents feel that it’s too soon, that the baby should wait three or four hours because she has “just been fed”. While it’s true that some babies can wait four hours between feedings, it is equally true that some babies need feeding much more frequently.

If a baby fed on a schedule is hungry before feeding time, her parents will have try to soothe her. And if they are not able to calm her down, they may be likely to leave her fussing or crying for long periods of time. Since it’s often hard for parents to listen to her cry, this can be a difficult situation, and one that probably takes as much time and energy as the extra feedings given to a demand-fed child.

New parents often decide to feed their child on a schedule because of advice from friends, relatives, and the pediatrician. In the face of such advice, they find it difficult to trust their instincts and begin demand feeding. They also worry that demand feeding means giving in to their child and letting her have too much control. Yet, an infant, because she’s helpless, needs to feel she has some control, some ability to make other people respond. When her needs are met, she learns to trust that her parents will take care of her.

The decision to demand-feed or feed on a schedule is often influenced by the way the child is fed—by breast or bottle. Although either method can be adapted to scheduled or demand feeding, it’s more likely that a breast-fed baby will be demand-fed, if only because of the ease of feeding. A mother can easily offer her breast at any time, while the parents of a bottle-fed infant must first prepare and warm bottles.

A bottle-fed infant is more likely to be fed on a schedule because her parents can easily see how much milk she’s drinking, and thus can decide when they think she’s had enough. Parents of a breast-fed baby, on the other hand, don’t know how much their child is drinking. When she cries soon after nursing, her mother is likely to offer the breast again because the child might not have had enough milk at the last feeding.

You can be successful breast-feeding or bottle-feeding, but using either method, you will satisfy your child best if you feed her on demand. If you feel you must follow a schedule, be flexible enough to offer a feeding when she truly seems to need it. When comforting doesn’t work between scheduled feedings, your child’s cries probably mean she’s hungry or so tired she needs to soothe herself to sleep after feeding. At such times, you should ignore the clock, follow your instincts, and meet your child’s needs.

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There’s a wide age range for toilet training, but by three or three and one-half years old, most children learn to use the toilet during the day. However, learning to stay dry at night sometimes takes another six months, and many children occasionally wet at night until they’re four or five years old. Nighttime control generally comes later than day control because a child must go for many hours without using a toilet before he’s physiologically ready, and because a sleeping child can’t consciously decide to go to the bathroom.

                               A child will stay dry at night when he’s ready. He may tell his parents that he wants to stop wearing diapers, or his parents may decide that he’s ready because he has been consistently dry for many days. Sometimes a child who’s dry at night will find it hard to give his diapers up, but if his parents let him know that diapers are available at night if he needs them, he will probably switch to underpants without a problem. Parents should not be alarmed if their child asks to go back to wearing a nighttime diaper. Such a request is usually just a temporary desire to re-experience something familiar.

                               Some parents choose to help their child stay dry at night by waking him up to use the bathroom, especially if he’s had a lot to drink before bed. Other parents encourage their child to be a “big boy”, although such urging misses the point. He will be dry when he’s mature enough and his body is ready. Pressuring him to act older will not help, and neither will shaming him or trying to make him feel guilty about wetting.

                               Even if a child has been dry for weeks or months, accidents are inevitable. If your child wets his bed, keep in mind that he’s not doing it to frustrate or harass you. Either he’s not quite ready to give up diapers or, if the accidents are occasional, he’s sleeping too deeply to get himself to the bathroom. It is also possible that your child is reacting to the temporary stress of a move, a new baby in the family, or the start of school.

                               Whether your child has been having accidents or has not yet been dry enough to give up diapers or pull-ups, you probably feel impatient and frustrated. You may feel that he’s been in diapers long enough, or that you don’t want to wash and change sheets frequently. These feelings are understandable, but once you realize that he’ll be dry as soon as he’s able, you can adjust your expectations and relax.

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Moving from a crib to a bed is a big change for a toddler. She’ll leave the security of a small, closed-in space for the freedom of a larger space. And after spending a few years in a confining crib, she’ll be able to control her movements in and out of bed.

                               Parents often wonder what it will be like when their child has her own bed. Will she fall out at night? Will she get out of bed frequently? Will she play and entertain herself in bed as she did in the crib? Will she feel comfortable and secure? They sometimes have mixed feelings about the transition from crib to bed. It’s exciting to watch a child grow, but it’s also easy to feel sentimental as she gets older.

                               One of the questions parents frequently ask is, “When will my child be old enough to sleep in a bed?” Some children move to a bed when they’re as young as twenty months—usually because a new sibling needs the crib. But if the crib isn’t needed, parents should probably wait until their child is two and one-half or three years old before making the switch. By that time, she may be ready for the move and excited by the idea of having her own bed.

                               The transition from crib to bed shouldn’t come when a child is going through major changes such as her mother’s return to work or the beginning of day care or nursery school. At these times, she will probably need the security of her familiar crib. If the change to a bed is planned in anticipation of a new baby, the parents should not wait until the baby is born to make the switch, but rather give their child at least three or four months to get used to sleeping in a bed.

                               Before you move your child out of the crib, prepare her for the change. If you’re buying a new bed or sheets, you might want to take her shopping with you. Spend some time talking to her about her move from the crib, but be careful about telling her that she’s getting a bed because she’s “big now”. Toddlers feel a desire and pressure to be older and sometimes the suggestion that they should act “big” adds stress to a situation. Your child may feel you want her to do something she’s not yet ready for.

                               Once you have the bed, try putting it right next to her crib so she can make a gradual switch from one to the other. She can begin by taking naps in the bed, and then slowly start spending nights there. If she was used to having toys in her crib, put some on her bed. After a few weeks, when she no longer needs her crib, take it down, letting her help. Or, if you’re going to use the crib for a new baby, let your child help move it to the other room.

                               If you’re concerned about your child’s safety in a bed, you can buy a safety bar that will keep her from falling out. You also can put the box spring and mattress on the floor rather than on a frame so she can climb in and out of bed easily without getting hurt—and she can even jump on her bed safely this way.

                               During the time of transition, notice how she feels about the change. If she’s having a difficult time giving up her crib, slow down. Even if you planned to use the crib for a new baby, you can postpone the change by putting the newborn in a cradle or portable crib for several months. And when you do give the crib to the baby, don’t be surprised if your older child still shows an interest in playing or sleeping in it. Children occasionally like to pretend they’re babies and go back to familiar objects and places. As long as your child doesn’t feel pressure to give up her crib before she’s ready, her transition to a bed should be smooth.

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Since parents spend a lot of time giving to their child and putting off their own needs, they look forward to the free time they have when their child naps. While parents are adjusting to their newborn, they often use free time to catch up on sleep. But gradually they feel the need to be “productive” during their child’s naptime and may plan to do something during that period every day.

                               Each child has his own patterns of napping which change as he grows. During the first months of infancy, he may spend most of the day sleeping and then, for the next six months to a year, nap several hours at a time in the morning and again in the afternoon. Over the next year, he will most likely drop one of these naps and then gradually give up napping altogether. Of course, there are many children who stop napping at eighteen months old, and others who never take predictable naps, even in infancy. Some parents are flexible about naps and let their children follow their own natural sleep patterns, while other parents are advocates of strict scheduling.

                               A child’s napping pattern may depend on the amount of sleep he gets at night. A child who sleeps nine or ten hours at night will probably need an afternoon nap, while a child who sleeps twelve hours may not need to sleep again during the day. By the time he’s two or two and one-half years old, his napping might interfere with his nighttime sleeping so that if he   naps for several hours he may be filled with energy late at night. This is fine if his parents’ schedules permit late morning sleeping, or if they like to spend the evening hours with him. But if they want him to go to bed earlier, they should try and keep him from napping or at least from napping so long. Some parents are especially reluctant to let their child nap in the car, since a few minutes of sleeping in a car seat can take the place of a much longer nap at home.

                               Keeping a child from napping, however, can sometimes cause problems. Some children are very irritable when they don’t sleep during the day, and their parents might decide that eliminating the nap is not worth the struggle. The child might go to bed earlier if he doesn’t nap, but if he’s unhappy all afternoon and evening, the family hasn’t gained much. Similarly, many children are tired and irritable if their nap is cut short, although some are able to wake up after a short nap feeling rested and ready to play.

                               Children in day care often nap as they would at home. Infants sleep when they need to, and older children, who are usually up early in the mornings, generally nap for a couple of hours. These naps keep them from being sleepy during the early evening hours and allow parents extra time with them at night.

                               Many babies only fall asleep for their nap after being fed. Some older children who don’t want to separate from their parents or their play may need to be rocked or patted to sleep.

                               If your child doesn’t nap regularly, you may naturally feel frustrated at the lack of time for yourself. But you shouldn’t try to force him to nap, since there will be negative consequences. He may spend long periods crying and you’ll probably become angry at him and at yourself for forcing the issue. Instead, look for alternatives to napping. If you’re home, you can hire a baby-sitter to play with him several afternoons a week so you can have time alone, or you can try waking your child up earlier in the morning so he’ll go to sleep earlier at night. As he reaches preschool age, you might try having him stay in his room for a short quiet period of reading and playing.

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