Category Ask the Psychologist

Parents always value the times when their child wakes up and plays contentedly in her crib. An infant may be entertained by looking at or randomly batting a mobile and a baby who can sit up may be happy with toys left for her. The cheerful sounds of a child playing in her crib are delightful to parents—and so are the extra bits of free time that come when she entertains herself.

                               The length of time a child will spend playing alone varies, depending on her age and needs. Some children will play happily as long as they hear their parents nearby, while others will stop playing and want to be picked up right away. Many babies won’t play at all and will want to be taken out of the crib as soon as they’re awake. It’s not unusual for babies to go through different phases: a child who’s been happy to play in her crib may suddenly stop wanting to spend time there. And often, a baby who shows anxiety about being separated from her parents during the day will not want to play alone in her crib.

                               If your child doesn’t play when she wakes up, you probably feel frustrated, especially if she’s an early riser. In order to get a little more sleep, you might try bringing her back to bed with you when she first wakes up. Even if she doesn’t fall asleep again, she may lie quietly with you for a while. You can also put some toys on your bed or on the floor nearby and encourage her to play quietly while you rest.

                               If she does play in her crib, be sure the toys you leave are safe and appropriate. And since she does a lot of moving and turning while she sleeps, be sure the objects in her crib won’t harm her or wake her up if she bumps them. You might also want to switch toys in the crib every few weeks so she’ll have some new things to play with. And occasionally try putting her in her crib to play after a bath or meal—you might have a little extra time to yourself if she’s content to stay there for a while.

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A young child often needs his parents during the night. As an infant, he may wake up crying for them, and as a toddler he may call out for them or get out of bed to find them. Some parents meet their child’s nighttime needs by going to his room and comforting him there. But other parents find it easier at times to let their child sleep in bed with them. These parents believe that they and their child sleep better when they’re all together.

                               The thought of a child sleeping with his parents shocks some people who’ve been conditioned by “experts” to believe the experience is harmful. Many parents who let their child sleep with them at night are reluctant to discuss the issue because they think their situation is unique. Actually, many parents have their children sleep in bed with them at some point, and they find the experience easy, enjoyable, and beneficial.

                               Children end up in their parents’ beds for a variety of reasons. Parents might bring a wakeful infant to bed so they can tend to him without having to get up during the night. Or they might want him near so they can be sure he’s safe, and so he can feel emotionally secure. Parents of a toddler may find their child climbing into bed with them on his own during the night. While some toddlers sleep easily in their rooms, others are too frightened or lonely to stay by themselves and try desperately to sleep with their parents. A child who’s determined to be with them will climb out of his crib or bed and go to their room. One child told his parents, “I think of scary things in my bed, but when I get into your bed they go away”. If they won’t let him into their bed, he might try to sleep on the floor next to their bed or in the hall-way outside their door.

                               Parents who do choose to let their child sleep with them still may express concerns. They wonder if they’re being too responsive to their infant or toddler, or if he will become too dependent on them. It’s true that he may develop a habit of sleeping in his parents’ bed, but he won’t be harmed by this. Rather, he’ll benefit from the reassurance and sense of security he receives from such closeness.

                               When parents start letting their child sleep with them, they may wonder if they will ever again have a bed to themselves. Parents of a nine-month-old can feel overwhelmed by the thought that their child may be in bed with them for a few years, although actually, children’s sleeping patterns and needs are hard to predict and parents’ expectations change as children develop. The amount of time a child will spend in his parents’ bed varies between families and within families over time. Some parents have their infant with them for the first six months to a year. Others let their child fall asleep in their bed and then move him to his own room each night; he may spend the whole night there or wake up and come back to his parents’ room. Some children spend part of every night with their parents, while others come to their parents’ bed only occasionally.

                               Ultimately, the parents’ goal is to have their child sleep on his own, and as he becomes less dependent on their reassurance, he’ll be ready to spend nights in his own bed. At that point, his parents can help him get used to sleeping in his room by offering a night light, music, or back rub.

                               Parents wonder how their sexual relations will be affected by the presence of a child in bed. Since sexual relations should always be private from children, parents should not become intimate when their child is in bed with them. They can either be together in another room in the house or carry their sleeping child back to his own room. To assure privacy, they should close and lock the bedroom door when they’re having sexual relations. And if the child does surprise them during an intimate moment, they should try not to overreact to the intrusion. The chances are good that the sleepy child has not observed his parents very closely. Although they might feel that the child who sleeps with them interferes with sexual spontaneity, they should remember that a child who wakes up crying in his own room also interrupts his parents’ intimacy.

                               Aside from effects on sexual relations, there’s another aspect to having a child in bed that parents are sometimes concerned about—the quality of sleep. While many parents are happy to avoid getting up with their children at night, others find that having a child in bed is not very restful. An infant makes many sounds as he sleeps, and a toddler may toss and turn, waking his parents. Some pediatricians recommend that parents buy themselves a queen or king size bed so they can accommodate their child. Another possibility is for parents to place a mattress or crib in their room so the child can sleep nearby.

                               Most parents who let their child sleep in bed with them are pleased with the result. Parents who are away from their child all day enjoy the chance to be close to him at night, to give a middle-of-the-night hug and say, “I love you”, and to wake up next to him in the morning. They often report that he doesn’t have nightmares and has fewer problems falling asleep when he’s in bed with them. And families tend to get more sleep when parents don’t have to wake up and go to a child in another room.

                               If you’re concerned about having your child in your bed, remember that there are different ways to meet his needs. If you’re comfortable going to your child’s room, that’s a good choice for you. And if you prefer bringing your child back to your own room, that also is fine. Whichever way you choose to respond, the important thing is to give him the security that comes with attention and care.

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Many parents have problems getting their child to sleep at night. When it’s time for bed, she may want to be fed, held, walked, sung to, talked to, read to, or comforted. She would like her parents to spend time with her as she falls asleep, but they would rather put her quickly and peacefully to bed and then get on with their own activities.

Parents wonder why their child won’t fall asleep alone when they hear, or imagine, that other people’s children go to sleep easily. It’s true that some quickly fall asleep and that others are content to lie down with a bottle, pacifier, blanket, or stuffed animal. But most young children have a genuine need for their parents to be with them at night.

Bedtime can be a lonely, frightening time for young children, who naturally feel safer and more comfortable if their parents stay with them. Even three-, four-, and five-year-olds prefer not to be alone at night. One child said, “I can fall asleep better if you stay in my room”, and another asked her parents, “Why do you want me to go to sleep? Don’t you want to be with me?” A child finds it hard to understand her parents’ need to be alone—she obviously has no such need herself.

The intensity of a child’s bedtime need for her parents can be judged by the struggles that occur when they leave her in her room. A baby might spend a long time crying while an older child might get up or call out for water, another kiss, a trip to the bathroom, and anything else that would bring her parents close again. Elaborate bedtime rituals can take forty minutes or longer and often leave parents angry and frustrated. It’s not unusual for a parent to sing “Rock-a-Bye Baby” through clenched teeth.

But what happens if, instead of spending forty minutes trying to get the child to fall asleep alone, parents spend ten to twenty minutes keeping her company—feeding her or rubbing her back or lying next to her? She will feel content and secure and fall asleep peacefully without a bedtime struggle.

Once parents see how strong their child’s need and desire for closeness is, they may choose to stay with her at bedtime. In this situation, as in many others, parents will have to lower their expectations. They’ll have less free time than they’d like. But they’ll also eliminate many nighttime problems associated with a child’s loneliness, fear, and insecurity, and they’ll end their child’s day in a calm and relaxed way.

If you decide to stay with your child until she falls asleep, you may find that few people you discuss the situation with will give you support and encouragement. Many parents do stay with their children, but few talk about it because they fear criticism. In a parent discussion group, one mother blurted out that her child would not fall asleep unless she was nursed. She expected to hear criticism, but instead saw other mothers at the meeting nod their heads. Their children behaved the same way.

The time you spend helping your child fall asleep should be restful for both of you. You can use the time to relax, think, enjoy your child’s closeness, or read. At times you will probably nap or even fall asleep for the night. You may want to adjust your schedule to accommodate this by getting up earlier in the morning.

You may be afraid that if you stay with your child at bedtime, she’ll become manipulative or unwilling ever to fall asleep alone. It’s true that she will get used to having you with her, but as she gets older, her need for your company will lessen. And when you think she’s ready, you can let her know that you expect her to fall asleep alone most of the time, perhaps with the help of soothing music, a night light, or another comforting device. At that point, she’ll know that she can count on you, and that when she really needs you, you will come.

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“Does your baby sleep through the night yet?” That’s a familiar question for new parents and one they dread answering if their child is still waking up. Many people believe that a baby should be sleeping through the night by the time he’s three months old, and if he isn’t, his parents may naturally feel frustrated and worried. Losing sleep is one of the hardest adjustments new parents have to make.

Actually, it’s rare for an infant consistently to sleep through the night. Some babies do sleep through when they’re three weeks old, but many are still waking up at ten months and others are two or three years old before they sleep all night. The frequency of waking varies from child to child and depends on many circumstances.

An infant may wake up at night to be fed, changed, or held. A slightly older child may turn himself over during the night, waking up in the process. If a baby has new teeth coming in, he may be uncomfortable and wake up to be comforted. And if he is developmentally at the stage when he believes people exist only if he can see them, he may wake up to see his parents and be reassured. Parents often consider this last type of wakefulness to be manipulative because the child stops crying as soon as they come in his room. But he does not intend to manipulate—he just wants to see his parents and be close to them.

Basically, a baby wakes up because he needs to be loved, comforted, fed, or helped. He doesn’t understand that his parents prefer to meet his needs during the day and sleep during the night. He wants them whenever he needs them—day or night.

A wakeful baby can be difficult and frustrating for parents. If they get up at night to respond to their child, they lose sleep and suffer all the physical and emotional consequences of being tired. They also face the criticism of others who say, “The only way your baby is going to learn to sleep is if you let him cry it out”. Such comments are unfortunate because parents who do get up at night with their children need support and encouragement. Many parents eventually become secretive about getting up because they don’t want to be ridiculed by friends and relatives.

Sometimes parents of a wakeful child become resentful, envying other parents whose children sleep all night, and wondering what’s wrong with their own child. “Does everyone else have an easier baby?” Parents may blame themselves for their situation, believing that they caused their child’s wakefulness by being too attentive to his cries: “If only we had let him cry it out earlier, maybe we’d all be sleeping now.”

There’s really no need for doubt and self-blame. Parents who go to their child at night give him a sense of security and show that they care about his needs. When a child is left to cry it out at night (which is what many childcare advisors advocate), he learns only that he has no options, that his needs will not be consistently met, and that his only choice is to give up. It’s important to go to a baby who wakes up crying.

Parents of a wakeful child need to know that they are not alone. Many babies wake up during the night. One mother who was frequently up with her child in the middle of the night took comfort looking out at the house next door. There she saw a brightly lit window indicating that her neighbors were awake with their own infant. This mother felt relieved knowing that other people were going through the same thing she was. Once parents understand this – that they are not alone — they can alter their expectations about normal sleeping patterns and begin to feel better about their child’s behavior.

If you are the parent of a wakeful child, you will want to help him get back to sleep as quickly as possible. First, try to meet his needs by changing him, feeding him, or making him more comfortable. If he’s still wakeful, try soothing him with rocking or singing. Sometimes mechanical, repetitive sounds are calming. On a “loop” tape you can record the hum of a hair dryer, humidifier, air conditioner, fan, even a vacuum cleaner, and play it when your baby needs to be comforted. There are special tapes, CDs, and toys that play the sounds of heart-beats; you might try one of these. You can try staying with your child in his room, rubbing his back until he falls asleep. Or you might want to bring him back to bed with you so he can nurse or just calm down while you rest.  Having him sleep with you may be less exhausting and frustrating than getting up several times to comfort and feed him.

If you’re not getting enough sleep, try napping during the day or early evening, or going to bed early at night. And recognize that, exhausting as this part of childcare can be, wakefulness will decrease as your child gets older. Eventually, you will get a full night’s sleep again.

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When parents hear how well-behaved their child is with a relative, teacher, friend, or caretaker, their response is often, “That’s not how she acts when she’s with me”. And conversely, when parents hear that their usually energetic child seemed withdrawn while spending time away from home, they wonder, “Why does she act differently when she’s away?”

A child’s behavior does change, depending on whom she’s with and where she is. Parents see this when they pick her up from school, day care, or a friend’s house. As soon as they arrive, she may start acting negatively—whining, making demands, and clinging. When a parent asks if she’s acted this way all along, the usual answer is, “No, she was fine until you arrived”. Parents may be partly relieved to hear their child enjoyed herself, but also partly upset by her actions.

Most often, a child’s behavior changes when her parents arrive because she’s more comfortable when they’re around. Once she sees them, she can express the feelings she may have been keeping to herself. Perhaps the day was frustrating because she couldn’t play with a favorite toy or because a teacher put pressure on her. Or perhaps she was angry at her parents for leaving her with a caregiver. The day’s frustrations all come out when her parents come to pick her up.

It’s natural for a child to feel less comfortable expressing her needs and feelings when she’s away from home. Adults, too, are more reserved when at work or in the company of others. Therefore, it’s not surprising that a child who seems content all day will let off steam when she’s with her parents.

Sometimes parents experience the opposite situation with their child. She seems happy and playful when they arrive and is reluctant to go home. The parents assume that she’s had a wonderful time, but often she has actually spent the day acting withdrawn and uninvolved. Such behavior, typical of two-year-olds, occurs because she’s more comfortable playing and exploring when her parents are around. Therefore, she doesn’t really begin to enjoy herself until it’s time to leave.

If your child seems fussy after a day away from you, or starts complaining when it’s time to go home, be sure to question the teacher, friend, or caregiver. Ask about your child’s interest and activity level, and try to get a true picture of her day. When communication is good between you and your child’s caregivers, you’ll be better able to anticipate and understand her behavior.

If you know that her mood will change when she sees you, you can plan ahead. If she’s whining, try to distract her. “When we get home, I’m going to get the play dough out”. And if you know she’ll want to start playing when you’re ready to pick her up from school or day care, plan to arrive a little early or stay a little longer. That way, she’ll have time to explore comfortably and then leave in a pleasant way.  

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When a birthday invitation arrives in the mail, children are excited. They ask, “Can I go? When is it?” and talk eagerly about presents, cake, and goodie bags. But when the first excitement is over, a child may ask his parents another question: “Will you stay with me at the party?”

For some children, attending a party is difficult. Between the ages of two and three and one-half, a child may only want to go to a birthday party if his parents come along, and he may cling and ask them not to leave once he’s arrived. This can happen even when the birthday child is a close friend and the birthday home is familiar.

Children who are shy are likely to have a harder time separating than children who are outgoing and self confident. A child who’s quiet in groups may prefer to observe at parties rather than to participate and may only feel comfortable doing this when his parents are with him. He also may want them around because he feels temporarily overwhelmed by the excitement, the number of people at the party, the sight of strange children, or the unusual appearance of a friend’s house decorated for a birthday. If the party is in a restaurant or other unfamiliar place, he may feel even more unsure.

Some children feel insecure at parties because their friends’ fathers are there. Many two- and three-year-olds aren’t comfortable with other children’s fathers. In some cases, children have not been around men as much as around women, and they may find fathers a bit scary because of their deep voices, big size, or beards. Occasionally, a child becomes afraid of a father because of the man’s profession. “He’s a policeman and can put you in jail”, one four-year-old told his three-year-old brother.

Whatever the reason for a child’s reluctance to attend a party alone, his parents may experience frustration because of the situation. They may wonder why he needs to be with them when other children the same age seem willing to stay at parties by themselves. And parents may worry about his ability to interact with other children, or his lack of independence.

In addition, parents can become angry, especially if they have other plans for the hours of the party, or if they don’t generally like to stay and participate at birthday parties. A parent may tell a child, “If you don’t stay at the party by yourself you’ll have to come home right now!” Such a message can leave the child feeling unaccepted, angry, and “bad” over something that he’s already having difficulty working through. And an angry parental outburst can make the parent feel bad later.

If parents can recall their own childhood experiences at parties, they may feel more tolerant and accepting about their child’s anxieties. Most of us have mixed memories. We may have been happy about the cake and ice cream and games, but we also remember some disappointments and feelings of shyness and embarrassment.

If your child is anxious about attending a party, you can look for ways to make him feel more comfortable. For example, see if a close friend or neighbor is invited to the same party so the two children can go together. Being with a friend may ease the pressure your child feels and make separating from you easier.

If you take him to the party and he wants you to remain, try staying for a few minutes to see if he begins to feel at ease. The parent giving the party can help by getting your child involved with another guest or with a toy or game. And sometimes just showing your child the cake and goodie bags will be enough to make him feel comfortable. If he decides he can stay alone, let him know that you’re leaving and tell him you’ll be back when the party’s over.

If, however, he wants to have you stay with him for the entire party, you may need to make spontaneous plans to do so. Tell the host that your child will feel more comfortable with you there. Most parents will understand, especially if you offer to help out. And keep in mind that although this situation may seem difficult, your child will become more independent with time. By the age of four or five, he’ll probably go more confidently to parties without you and enjoy participating and playing on his own.

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