Category Ask the Psychologist

Between the ages of twenty months and three years, some children won’t let their fathers help them. When a father tries to comfort his child during the night, get her dressed, get her some juice, or even fasten her seat belt, she resists: “No! Only Mommy do it.” Young children are often strongly attached to their mothers, and during this brief developmental phase they seem to reject their fathers.

This stage can be very frustrating. A father who wants to take an active role in caring for his child may find it hard to understand her resistance and rejection. At times he may feel like giving up and telling his wife, “You take care of her. Why should I even try?” His feelings may be hurt and he may show signs of resentment towards his child.

The mother’s role, too, is difficult during this stage. It’s hard for her to see her husband rejected and hard to try and persuade her child to allow him to help. There’s also more pressure on the mother to take over the work of childcare. This means she’s always the one to get up at night, give comfort, and get the child ready in the morning.

One mother no sooner got into bed after feeding her two-month-old baby, when her three-year-old daughter called out for water. The tired mother asked her husband to respond, but their daughter refused his help: “Not you. I want water from Mommy.” To avoid a middle-of-the-night struggle, the mother got up, but the encounter was unpleasant for both parents.

Some parents try reasoning with their child (“Mommy’s tired”) or forcing her to accept the father’s help. They say firmly, “If you want a drink, you’ll have to let Daddy get it.” Sometimes such statements work, but sometimes tears and tantrums follow. It may be easier to give in, at least during the night, and have the mother get the drink so the family can go quickly back to sleep rather than deal with a struggle.

If the father’s unable to help his child because she rejects him, he can still help his wife by taking over additional household responsibilities or caring for the couple’s other children. And both parents should try not to let the father’s feelings of rejection interfere with their basic relationship with their child. In the course of development, the stage of “only Mommy do it” is rather short.

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When they’re at home young children want to be near their parents. While the intensity of need varies with age and personality, children, especially between the ages of fifteen months and three years, are usually most content playing and exploring when their parents are close by.

Young children like to be with their parents much of the time, day and night. Often, parents find that their child has an easier time falling asleep if they stay with him patting his back or keeping him company. In the uneasy moments before sleep, he gains comfort when they are near.

His desire to be with his parents is normal, and the attention he receives from them is essential for his development. As he comes to understand that they are there even when he can’t see them, and that every time they go away they come back, he begins to feel secure and trusting. Gradually, based on these feelings of trust, he’ll develop the ability and desire to separate from his parents.

Waiting for that separation to occur, however, can be frustrating for parents who would like more time to themselves. They don’t often have a chance to be alone at home, especially when they’re followed by a young child who won’t let them out of his sight. And at times, a child who stays close by his parents can be an embarrassment in public or when other adults are visiting.

A baby will indicate his need for closeness by reaching out to be picked up. When he can crawl, he’ll follow his parents’ voices and crawl to be near them. Later as a toddler, he’ll often carry his toys from room to room to be with his parents. And although at three or four years old he may spend time at school, day care, or a neighbor’s house, he’ll still prefer to be near his parents when he’s home. Children, like adults, want company-especially the company of their own families.

When your child wants to be with you, try to be understanding and accommodate him when possible, knowing that this stage of hi development normal. When you need time for yourself at home, try distracting him with an interesting puzzle, book, or box of toys that he hasn’t seen for a while. You also can invite one of his playmates for a visit. When your preschooler has friends over, he may play happily without having you nearby; if the children are old enough to play safely without close supervision, you can have some time to yourself.

If you’re having adult guests over, try to anticipate your child’s need for attention. Suggest he draw pictures for the visitors to take home. Place some interesting toys next to your seat so he can play nearby without having to involve you. Such diversions work, but it’s unrealistic to expect him to leave you entirely alone. If you exclude him, he may become demanding, silly, or whiney. But if you partially include him, focusing attention on him at least some of the time, you should be able to talk to your guests without too much interruption.

As he reaches the early elementary years, he’ll spend more and more time playing with friends or occupying himself in his room, and less time with you. One mother, whose seven-year-old always stayed close to her when he was a preschooler, was surprised to find herself greatly wishing he’d spend more time with her now.

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Parents are puzzled when their toddler shifts from being dependent to being independent and back again. Why, for example, would she suddenly dart away from her mother and then just as suddenly come running back to check that she’s still there?

 Such on and off behavior comes from the child’s mixed feelings about her place in the world. When she first learns to walk, she develops a sense of independence and joy. She’s delighted with her new-found skill and control, feeling that the world is at her command. Soon after exercising her new independence, however (sometime between seventeen months and two years), her perceptions of her place in the world change and she feels quite small and vulnerable, it’s her joy in exploration combined with her feelings of inadequacy that lead her to run off and run back.

Typical of a child at this stage is an eighteen-month-old girl waiting in line with her mother at the post office. She wiggles away and goes to look at a chain hanging across a doorway. As soon as she reaches the chain she says, “Mommy, Mommy,” and runs to get picked up. After a few seconds, she gets back down, runs and touches the chain, and then runs back to her mother. She repeats this cycle as long as she and her mother wait in line.

This developmental phase of emotional dependence-independence, which is a normal part of growth, can last until the child is two and one-half to three years old. Different children show different degrees of dependence. Some aren’t comfortable exploring their surroundings on their own and may cling to their parents. Most children need more reassurance when they’re out of their secure and comfortable homes.

During this stage, your child may be especially sensitive to your responses and easily upset when you disapprove of her behavior, just as she’s pleased when you approve. Over time as she gains more experience, a change will occur and she’ll be able to play, explore, and move about without coming to you for repeated reassurance. Until then, try to accept her behavior, smile and wave when she goes off a bit on her own, and give her the emotional support she needs to feel secure about her world.