Category Ask the Psychologist

A baby feels calm when her natural sucking instinct is satisfied. Some babies suck their thumbs, some nurse frequently, some suck on fingers or a blanket, and many use pacifiers. When parents first offer a pacifier to their child, they see how tranquil she becomes and how convenient the pacifier is to use. It’s an easy, concrete, accessible way to soothe a crying baby. Parents can offer it in the car, leave it in the crib so their child can suck as she falls asleep, or, as she gets older leave it near her toys so she can use it whenever she wants.

There’s nothing wrong with a pacifier, and a child who uses one is not harmed. Yet, despite growing acceptance, some people believe pacifiers symbolize dependency and immaturity, especially when used by a child past infancy. A parent can easily feel under attack when told, “That thing looks awful hanging out of her mouth”, or “She’s much too old to use a pacifier”.

Parents look to their pediatricians for advice and support on all aspects of child rearing, including pacifier use, but there are pediatricians who oppose pacifiers. One mother never let her child take her pacifier along on doctor visits because the pediatrician disapproved. It was easier for this mother to hide what she did rather than face ridicule or a challenge to her parenting beliefs.

Aside from dealing with outside criticism, many parents have their own doubts. When and how will the child ever give up such a comforting and satisfying object?

Children do give it up. Gradually, and in spite of the strong attachment you may now observe, your child will limit her use of the pacifier to times when she’s tired or feeling stress. By age two, she may wean herself completely from it, or at least let you know, by rejecting it at times or accepting it less often, that she’s ready to stop using it.

However, if you decide to take your child’s pacifier away before she shows a willingness to give it up on her own, do so gradually over several weeks. Be prepared for the possibility that she’ll begin sucking her thumb, blanket, or other object. Offer substitutes such as a glass of juice, extra holding and cuddling, gentle patting on the back, or a new source of comfort such as a stuffed animal or pillow.

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A child clutching a blanket is a familiar sight. Between the ages of six and nine months, many young children become attached to a security object such as a blanket or stuffed animal. The attachment may last until the child is five or older. This is a natural part of development, although not all children pick out a special object, and some choose several soft items to hold on to. A child with a strong attachment may wake up clutching his blanket and hold it as his parents pick him up. He may put the blanket against his face and carry it around with him as he gets older.

To a young child, a blanket or other soft object is a source of comfort. As he moves away from infancy and his close union with his mother, he nurtures and cares for his special object, receiving warmth and comfort in return. He may use his blanket most often during times of transition throughout the day—when he goes to sleep, wakes up, feels tired or hurt, goes for a car trip, visits the doctor, or goes to day care—and during major changes in his life or routine. Such changes can include the birth of a sibling, the beginning of day care or nursery school, or a parent’s absence. Children who are left to cry themselves to sleep or whose dependency needs are not consistently met may become particularly dependent on an object for comfort.

The child’s attachment to his special object may go through different stages. At times he’ll have an intense need for his blanket and will let his parents know that he wants it, even if he can’t yet tell them in words. At other times, during calm periods and as he gets older, he may have less need for the special object.

One child had a strong attachment to a stuffed animal she’d been given when she was a few months old and took the toy everywhere. When she turned four, her attachment began to lessen. First she threw the animal out of her bed, although she quickly retrieved it. Then she began moving it, night by night, into less favorable positions on the bed. Eventually she simply put it away on a shelf.

If your child is attached to a special object, you may find it hard to trust that he’ll ever give it up. You may wonder if you should remove it or wean him away from it, but such actions are unnecessary. As time goes on, his desire for the object will diminish and he’ll give it up on his own. However, you may not see this happen until he’s five, since many four – and five-year-olds keep their objects with them at night as a source of comfort. Interestingly, when parents recognize how strong and long-lasting their child’s attachment is, they sometimes begin to feel protective of the object themselves.

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A baby, until the age of six months or so, usually is content to be held by relatives and family friends. She may even smile and play when her parents place her in someone else’s arms. But between seven and nine months, she’ll begin to resist people other than her parents, and may cry and reach for her parents when someone else tries to hold her. During this stage, she may even feel anxious about her grandparents and familiar baby-sitters.

Such reactions, which are a normal part of a baby’s development, result from her growing awareness of the world. She recognizes her parents as special and different and views them with pleasure. Because she has good feelings about them, she wants to be with them and isn’t as comfortable or trusting with other people.

Also, at this age she believes that something exists only as long as she can see it. When her parents walk out of sight, she feels anxious and cries. When she’s back in their arms, she feels pleasure.

This developmental stage can be difficult for parents because it sometimes causes embarrassment and makes it hard to accept help with childcare. A relative or friend, offering to care for the baby, may feel rejected by the child’s anxious cries. Some adults blame the parents, saying, “You’ve spoiled her by holding her so much!” Or they may try to persuade the baby to come, saying, “I won’t hurt you. You have to get used to other people”.

When your baby enters this developmental stage, remember that anxiety about strangers and separation is normal. It isn’t necessary to force her to go to other people—she’ll soon do that willingly. Just try to meet her needs and have others talk to her and play with her while you hold her. You can explain to people that, while you understand their feelings of frustration and rejection, you know that your child is acting as most children her age do.

During this stage, many babies have trouble separating from their parents at day care or when a baby-sitter comes. Explain the situation to your caregiver and let her know that your baby may need extra holding and comforting. If your child cries as you go, you also may find it hard to separate. Have your caregiver try to distract her. Call shortly after leaving if you’d like to reassure yourself that all is going well.

At times you might be tempted to leave while your baby is distracted and unaware that you’re going. While this eliminates the initial rush of tears, she may react with surprise and fear when she discovers you’ve left. It’s always better to say a quick good-bye.

You’ll know that your child’s fear of strangers and separation is lessening when you see her reach for someone other than you, and when you see her go happily to someone who’s reaching for her. As this stage passes, she’ll once again feel more comfortable and content with others.

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Is a “good” baby one who sleeps a lot and doesn’t cry much? Most people say “yes”, and their answer is understandable. “Good” and “bad” are judgmental terms people often use to describe the behavior and temperament of a baby. A “good” baby is a quiet one, and a “bad” baby is fussy.

Parents often believe that their child is a reflection on them. They want a contented baby who’s easy to care for and who gives them a feeling of success. And many parents feel bad if their baby cries or has colic. Yet, the fussing baby is not “bad” and the quiet one is not “good”. All babies are different. Labeling and judging them for their behavior is inappropriate because they’re only expressing their needs in the best way they can. When they cry and fuss, they’re telling their parents that something’s wrong. They’re tired, hurt, uncomfortable, hungry, wet, scared, or needing to be held.

Labeling babies begins very early. One new mother was told by a maternity nurse that her hungry infant had been crying in the nursery. “What a bad baby you have!” Out in public, a well-meaning person will approach a mother and infant and say, “What a good baby. Is he always like this?” Such a question can put the mother in a bind. Although she may answer “yes”, she may also remember that the previous week he cried all during a shopping trip.

One of the hardest times to deal with a crying infant is at night, when a wakeful baby may truly seem “bad”. If you’ve been giving to your child all day, you may feel drained and resentful when you have to give again at night. You may grit your teeth when awakened at 3 A.M. and feel overwhelmed. But if you can think of your baby as expressing needs rather than being “bad”, you may feel more accepting.

Once you understand that his crying is a kind of communication, you may find yourself responding differently, trying to understand why he cries or why he doesn’t sleep as much as you think he should, or as you would like. And you may also feel less harassed when he fusses in public. It’s easier to be comfortable with him when you no longer feel pressured to have a “good” baby.

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Many new parents are surprised at how much time, attention, and effort childcare involves. When they discover that their baby is naturally demanding and dependent, they sometimes worry about “giving in” to all his needs. If they pick him up when he cries, offer a bottle or breast on demand, or keep him near through the day, will he soon become too dependent? In our society, independence is viewed as a positive trait, and many parents are concerned if their babies seem too attached to people or objects. Yet, when parents fully understand their child’s dependency needs, they can see there’s no need to worry about their baby’s lack of self-sufficiency.

Infants and young children are almost totally dependent on adults; this is a natural and necessary condition of early childhood. It’s normal for babies to want the constant comfort of being cared for, held, fed, changed, loved, and played with and there’s nothing harmful about giving to a young child. A child whose needs are met and who has a strong attachment to his parents develops a foundation of trust that will allow him to gradually become independent.

Some adults feel that it’s never too soon to start teaching a child to become independent: “He’s going to have to learn sometime that he can’t always have his way”. “He has to find out what life is really like”. And some people also believe that giving in to a child’s needs in infancy will make it that much harder to get him to give up his dependencies later on.

Parents who are uneasy about how dependent their young child is may, in an attempt to foster independence, make conscious decisions not to meet all of his needs. They may hesitate to pick him up when he cries, or hold back on cuddling or frequent nursing. They may feel guilty and full of self-doubt whenever they do give more than they think they should.

However, if your baby learns to trust your care and support, he’ll turn into a toddler who explores his surroundings with confidence. And as he grows, his natural drive for independence will begin to show. The ten-month-old will want to feed himself, the two-year-old will cry out, “I’ll do it myself”, the three-year-old will feel good going off on his tricycle, and the five-year-old will happily spend time with his friends.

Your young child will always have a strong need to be cared for, of course, but as he gets older, he’ll become more and more independent, and you’ll spend less time giving. Although there will be times when he temporarily becomes more dependent – when he enters preschool, when the family moves, when a sibling is born – if his early dependency needs have been met, he’ll move into the world with a greater sense of trust and confidence.