Category Parenting Queries

“It wasn’t me who left food in the basement.”

“There wasn’t any change from the money you gave me for the movies.”

“You never told me I was supposed to feed the cat.”

Kids lie for many reasons. The main one is to avoid getting into trouble. A child who fears punishment may lie, hoping she’ll avoid the consequences of misbehaving. The harsher the possible punishment and the stricter and more inflexible her parents are, the more likely she is to bend the truth.

Kids also lie to get out of chores or schoolwork (“Can I stay home today? I have a really bad stomachache”) or to feel part of a group (“Yeah, I saw that video too”). Kids may use lies to impress others and prop up a poor self-image: “I got an A on that test.” “I go to Florida all the time.” “The coach said I was the best on the team.”

Some kids lie because they’re able to get away with it. Their parents fail to set adequate limits and don’t teach the value of honesty. And finally, twelve- and thirteen-year-olds sometimes lie to protect their friends. At these ages they become more secretive and show great loyalty to friends, even ones who smoke, drink, cut classes, or do other things parents don’t approve of.

To get your child to become more honest, be unambiguous about your expectations: “I won’t accept lying.” “People in a family have to trust each other. If I can’t trust you, I can’t let you do the things you ask and I can’t count on you to be responsible.” “I always expect you to tell me the truth.”

Be a good role model to your child. Since your child will know when you’re lying to her, be honest about everyday events as well as important issues such as illness, separation, and unemployment. Show your distaste for acquaintances, celebrities, politicians, and publications that exaggerate or distort the truth. Don’t make excuses for people who lie.

Make a clear distinction between acceptable white lies told outside the family and the need for honesty within the family. She can understand that white lies are sometimes necessary for safety or to keep from hurting someone’s feelings: “I had to tell her I liked her hair. She just had it cut.” “If someone calls when I’m not home, just say I’m in the shower.”

Set firm limits and let her know there will be consequences if she doesn’t tell you the truth. Punishment can include grounding, or loss of allowance or privileges. Use a firm, calm tone to discuss the seriousness of lying.

You may find that punishment isn’t needed at all. If you emphasize your disappointment and hurt, she may decide that the consequences of lying —including feeling ashamed and guilty—are worse than the consequences of confessing to the original misbehavior. Appealing to her conscience this way will work best if you have a good relationship and if she values your approval. An important way to get her to become more honest is to strengthen the ties between you.

When she does tell the truth about misbehaving, praise her honesty. If she lies but later offers a genuine apology for doing so, accept the apology. You will still have to decide if the original misbehavior requires punishment. Being honest shouldn’t wipe out the consequence of negative actions, but you may decide to be a little more lenient to encourage her honesty.

Don’t put yourself in a bind by offering to forgo punishment in exchange for the truth. You’ll lose no matter what your child says. Either you’ll give up the option of punishment even if you find out it’s necessary, or you’ll change your mind once you hear the truth and come down harshly, in which case she will see you as dishonest yourself. Instead of being lenient or manipulative, simply demand the information you want, make guesses until you arrive at the truth, or punish your child if she won’t tell you want you want to know.

If your child regularly lies and exaggerates, try to find out why. Are you too accommodating? Too inflexible? Does your child feel jealous of a sibling? Do you spend enough time with her? Do you give her enough positive feedback and encouragement? Is family discord causing stress? Does she have low self-esteem? If lying is a symptom of deeper problems, limits and punishment won’t improve her behavior, you’ll need to change the circumstances that keep her from being truthful.

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Parents’ impatience takes several forms. One is situational—they lose their tempers and snap at their child for his misbehavior. A second form is more general. They lack the patience to listen to him, get involved in his interests, accompany him to activities, watch him play sports, or help him with schoolwork. Both kinds of impatience can have a negative impact on children and make parents feel guilty.

All parents lose patience at times, especially when they’re rushed or busy or feeling badgered by their children’s demands: “I’ve got to get to work.” “I’m trying to pay bills. Don’t make so much noise.” “I can’t drive you to Glen’s again.” Parents experiencing stress at work or at home are especially likely to snap at their child.

Such impatience due to circumstances is often mild and temporary. More harmful is constant criticism and rudeness. Parents with a low tolerance for frustration may routinely yell at their children, ridicule them, and call them names: “Don’t be so stupid! I’ve told you a hundred times not to leave the front door open.” “All you do is whine.” “I’m not a servant. Make your own lunch.”

Parents with high expectations and a strong desire to be in control can become intolerant when things don’t go their way. They expect perfection. If their child can’t meet their standards, they react with harsh impatience. In the process, they may hurt his self-confidence, harm family relationships, and cause him to become less, rather than more, cooperative as he copies the treatment he’s received.

In less dramatic ways, parents also show impatience when they neglect to make time for their child. It takes a reordering of priorities to put aside adult concerns and answer a child’s question, look at his model rocket, walk him to the basketball court, listen to his music, go to his school assembly, or read a book to him. Even the busiest parents can stop what they’re doing several times a day to concentrate on their child. But some parent’s even ones with time to spare —don’t make their child’s needs and interests a priority.

Becoming a more patient parent takes purposeful effort and may require a change in attitude, priorities, or behavior. If you’re easily frustrated, try to make your life less stressful by easing up on your expectations. It’s more important to spend time with your child than to have a clean house. It’s better to stay calm during the early evening than to prepare a complex dish for dinner. If work or family problems are difficult to cope with, you may find stress-reduction techniques useful. You can learn about them from books, magazines, or classes.

Think about your tone of voice when you talk to your child—try using the same tone you’d like him to use. Instead of shouting, “Hurry up!” or, “Get going!” say, “Please hurry or we’ll be late.” The more you take your child’s feelings into consideration, the better his behavior is likely to be. In the long run, he’ll respond more positively to your calm words than to rude orders.

Make a decision to spend more time with him. Put your book or work down periodically, stay off the phone at night, forgo some evening plans, and get involved with him. This is not always easy, since it means giving of yourself without necessarily receiving an immediate return. But there are definite benefits. He will have you as a model of more tolerant, patient behavior. He’ll feel better about himself because you’re interested in him. And the relationship between the two of you will improve, making it easier for you to react to his behavior in a mature way. 

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Parents wish their pre- and early adolescent had more self-control and better judgment. They want to spend less time supervising and disciplining their child. Yet, kids these ages continue to be irresponsible at times. They may make bad decisions, spend too much money, stay out too long, show disrespect, curse, skip a class, or neglect chores.

In some families, discipline becomes a major issue. Kids misbehave frequently or in serious ways and parents struggle for control. In other families, misbehavior is minor, and discipline is not a source of stress. The difference often lies in the nature of the parent-child relationship.

Parents who show continual love and respect for their child, spend time with her, and communicate their values give her a strong incentive to behave well. She values her relationship with them and wants to please, not disappoint them. In addition, the guilt she feels if she lets them down helps keep her from doing something wrong, even when they aren’t there to supervise.

To improve your child’s behavior, begin by strengthening your relationship with her. The closer you are, the more effectively you can influence her conscience and help her become self-disciplined. Take an interest in her activities and include her in yours. Let her know that you care about her opinions and feelings, and that your love—although not necessarily your approval—is unconditional.

If she does something wrong, show your anger and disappointment, but don’t yell insults or use put-downs and sarcasm: “I told you that you couldn’t watch TV until you finished your homework and I expect you to listen to me.” It can be useful to stir up some feelings of guilt or shame to help her remember how to act: “When you didn’t call, I was worried that something happened to you.” You want her to think about the consequences of her behavior. She may act more responsibly next time in order to avoid feeling bad. One twelve-year-old said, “Feeling guilty is worse than getting grounded.”

Talk to your child about her misbehavior: “Why did you go home with Jeremy when I told you not to?” Listen to her side, and then explain what was wrong with her actions and what the consequences will be. A discussion is more effective than a lecture, especially because at these ages she feels that her good intentions should count as much as her actions: “I went home with Jeremy because he needed my help with homework.” She will tune you out or react angrily if you do all the talking and she’s forced to listen to long, negative comments about herself.

Don’t slap or hit her. Her behavior will become worse rather than better. She’ll be so angry that she’ll continue to misbehave or she’ll aim her resentment at siblings and peers, becoming aggressive, rebellious, and selfish.

Although physical punishment is not effective, let her know her misbehavior will have consequences. Use whatever seems to work best: grounding; taking away allowance or privileges; refusing permission to use the phone, computer, or TV.

Be sure the consequences you pick will have the desired effect—to get your child thinking about and improving her behavior. If you always ground her for a day or two, she may continue to misbehave, knowing the punishment is short-lived and not severe.

On the other hand, don’t be too harsh or strict. If she’s grounded for weeks or months or constantly loses her allowance, she’ll focus on her unfair treatment. She’ll be unwilling to change her behavior, and if she’s forced to, she’ll misbehave in other ways. She may become sneaky, resentful, or withdrawn.

In general, be flexible about consequences. If one technique doesn’t work, try another. You may need to talk more and punish less. Or, if you depend too heavily on reasoning with your child, you may need to set firmer limits with heavier consequences. If you’re having trouble finding an effective punishment, ask her what she thinks a fair consequence for her misbehavior would be. While her suggestions may be too mild or too harsh, you may get some useful ideas.

Remember that setting limits alone won’t solve ongoing behavior problems. Continually work on establishing better communication and understanding. Look for the causes of inappropriate behavior. Are there frequent family conflicts? Is she dealing with your divorce? School difficulties? Does she feel neglected or less favored than a sibling? You may need a therapist’s help to find the roots of discipline problems.

Finally, set a good example. Show her, through your actions, how you expect her to behave and treat people. Try to be thoughtful, concerned, and courteous with others as well as with her.

Because ten- to thirteen-year-olds change so rapidly, it can be hard for parents to distinguish between emotional problems and the normal upheavals of pre- and early adolescence. Is a child depressed or just moody? Seriously unmotivated or merely preoccupied? Deeply angry or beginning the inevitable separation from the family?

Parents won’t necessarily find answers to such questions in discussions with their child. Kids these ages often avoid sharing their thoughts with adults, whom they may see as sources of criticism, lectures, and unwanted advice. Parents may be left to evaluate their child’s situation based on their own observations.

Identifying serious, persistent problems is usually not difficult. Most parents know to seek help if their child shows clear signs of drug or alcohol abuse, an eating disorder, depression, or dangerous or illegal behavior.

Beyond such clear-cut cases, many parents are confused. They don’t know if their child needs help (“It’s just a phase. Everybody gets depressed sometimes.”) And they don’t know if they “believe” in counseling for any but the most critical problems. Some parents associate therapy with shame and embarrassment. They fear the implication that something is wrong with their child, and they worry that counselors will blame them for their child’s problems. They also may worry that he will speak badly of them or reveal family secrets. Such fears keep many families from getting the help they need.

If you are unsure about your child’s situation, ask yourself these questions: Has the troubling behavior been going on for a long time, despite your attempts to help? Do teachers, coaches, or other parents complain about him? Is he frequently angry? Does he regularly put himself down and act discouraged? Does he do poorly in school? Does he have trouble making friends? Is he consistently jealous of his siblings? If he has continuing difficulties in several areas of his life, he can benefit from professional help and possibly from medication.

He also can benefit if his problem is an unreasonable fear or phobia. A counselor experienced in treating phobias can desensitize your child. One boy who greatly feared elevators was able to ride them alone after six counseling sessions. A child who feared airplanes flew off on vacation with her family after only a few weeks of counseling.

You might turn to therapy to help your child deal with recent or continuing trauma, such as the death of an immediate family member or close friend, divorce, or a frustrating step-parenting situation. During counseling, he can express his pent-up anger, fear, and doubt to a sympathetic, experienced listener.

If you decide to try therapy, ask your pediatrician, family doctor, or local medical bureau for referrals. Set up an appointment with the therapist for a consultation without your child present. Describe your concerns and ask for advice. You may hear that therapy is not necessary and you may get helpful suggestions for improving your situation at home.

If the therapist does recommend counseling, talk to your child about it. Explain what therapists do: “There are some problems we can’t solve on our own.” Let him know there’s nothing wrong with seeking therapy. In fact, he may already know of friends who are in counseling, and some of the celebrities he admires may be quite open about seeing someone. Tell your child about the benefits of therapy: “Dr. Graham will help you feel happier and better about yourself.” “Susan is used to talking to children about their fears.” If your child resists, don’t give up on counseling. Ask the therapist for the best approach.

Therapy can take a number of forms: individual, group, or family counseling. Any one, or a combination, can be effective. If he is seen individually, schedule occasional consultations with the therapist so you can learn more about your child’s situation. You also may want to join a parents’ discussion or support group in which your questions and concerns can be addressed.

Therapy in any form can be prohibitively expensive. Most health insurance companies and HMOs cover a percentage of the cost. Local and state government agencies as well as some nonprofit organizations offer therapy at reduced or sliding scale fees. In addition, many private therapists are willing to lower their fees when patients are unable to pay the full rate.

Although it can be difficult to start therapy, it’s wise to work on emotional problems while your child is ten- to thirteen-years-old. As he gets older, his situation and behavior only will become more complex. If you get help for him now, your family will have a much easier time as he moves through adolescence.

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Parents become quite upset if they suspect their child has been smoking. Kids constantly hear that smoking is unhealthy. Many have urged their parents to quit: “I’ll never smoke! It’s ugly and bad for you!” “People who smoke cigarettes are stupid!”

But some kids change their minds when they hit early adolescence. Peer pressure, curiosity, and the media can make smoking seem attractive. Kids who smoke at these ages are often just experimenting. They force themselves to inhale, then cough, feel nauseous, and stop. That’s usually the end of it.

However, some thirteen-year-olds begin to habitually smoke. They may be children with difficult home lives, little interest in school or activities, and a weak identity. Or there may be less obvious reasons why they’re attracted to smoking.

Sometimes a child will talk at home about classmates who smoke: “Just don’t tell their parents.” A child who speaks often about smokers may be testing her parents’ reaction. She doesn’t realize that, while her parents may be only mildly interested in another youngster’s smoking, they would be furious if their child started.

Aside from a desire to experiment, kids these ages may smoke because they think it makes them seem “cooler” and older. Slick advertising campaigns tend to further this myth. A child may know about the health risks associated with tobacco, but she’ll smoke anyway because she doesn’t believe bad things will happen to her.

Young adolescents are focused on the here and now. They think, “Teenagers don’t get lung cancer.” The more support a young smoker has from her peers, the less likely she is to think about future problems.

If you find out your child has experimented with tobacco, express your firm disapproval, talk about the harmful effects, and then—if she’s stopped smoking—let the matter drop, although you need to keep a watchful eye on her.

However, if you suspect that your child is becoming a regular smoker, treat her habit as a serious problem. Verify her smoking by searching her room for cigarettes and matches. Most children don’t hide things very well. Confront her: “I smell smoke when you come in the house”. “I found a cigarette lighter in your jacket pocket.” If she lies, don’t accept what she says, even though you might prefer to avoid the issue.

Set firm limits and consequences: “I’m very angry and disappointed.” “You made a bad choice and I won’t accept it.” “Smoking at your age is terrible.” Take privileges and allowance away if you think that will be effective. Talk about the major risks of smoking, and about the other problems smoking causes, such as stained teeth, an unpleasant odor, and lack of wind for sports. These immediate effects might impress her more than long-range threats to her health.

If necessary, change some of your own behavior. Give up smoking. Spend more time with your child and work on creating a strong, positive relationship with her. Monitor her activities and friendships, and consider telling her friends’ parents about the problem. Be persistent—the temptation to smoke will only increase as your child moves through adolescence.

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Parents want to believe that their kids won’t try drugs or alcohol. After all, preteens have been constantly exposed to anti-drug messages in school, at home, and in the media. They hear about celebrities’ drug addictions and overdoses, about drunk-driving fatalities, alcoholism, and drug- and alcohol-related violence. Parents hope all this information, plus the values stressed at home, will keep their child from trouble.

However, kids are curious, and drugs and alcohol are easily available. The same media that broadcast the “bad news” about drugs also glamorize drug and alcohol use. Many teen heroes are drug users, and many rock songs, videos, movies, and TV shows make drugs and alcohol seem acceptable and even desirable.

Seventh- and eighth-graders usually can point out the “drug group” at school. One thirteen-year-old frequently tells his parents about kids who buy drugs at his suburban school: “They stand at their lockers and pass little bags to each other.” Children are fascinated by the subject of drug use. They want to know who does it, why, and how it feels.

The most vulnerable kids are those who are left unsupervised, who feel consistently left out socially, who have too much stress in their lives, or whose parents’ abuse alcohol or drugs. If such children don’t experiment at these ages, they are likely to in high school, where exposure, access, and peer pressure are greater.

Peer pressure plays a big part in early drug use. Children are easily influenced by their friends and fear rejection for not “going along.” A child needs a strong counter influence at home, giving him the reasons and the inner resources to resist. Otherwise, as he goes through adolescence, he may create a negative identity for himself as a drinker or drug user.

The best way to keep your child away from these temptations is to let him know that drug use and underage alcohol use is absolutely wrong. Give a clear, strong message that will become part of his conscience. He’ll need to remember your words and values when friends urge him to experiment, especially as he hits the mid- and late-adolescent years. Then, he’ll see many more of his peers becoming involved, and not understanding the bigger picture, he may rationalize, “Everyone does it and nothing bad happens.” Don’t waffle now, even if you think (in the abstract) that a little drink or occasional marijuana is not so bad. What starts out as fun can easily lead to a pattern of abuse and permanent damage.

If you suspect that your child is already experimenting, act quickly. Question him about drug use, keep a close eye on his behavior, friends, and activities, and search his room and belongings. If he’s drinking or using drugs, don’t try to deal with the problem entirely on your own. Get advice right away from books or a counselor experienced in treating adolescent drug use.

While you’re getting help, try to learn why your child turned to drugs. Is he escaping from his problems? Who are his friends? How does he spend his free time? Are you home enough? Is school too stressful? What family values do you stress? Are you dealing with substance abuse by adult family members?

Stopping drug use early is essential, but it takes strength and perseverance. You’ll not only have to work on the immediate problem, but establish an involved and positive relationship with your child so he can move more safely through adolescence, with its increased temptations, peer pressure, and opportunities.

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