Category Parenting Queries

Many kids don’t like school. They complain about the work, the rules, the teachers, the bus ride, their classmates, or homework. Sometimes the problem centers on the child. Her unhappiness may be a symptom of stress at home, low self-esteem, or problems with peers. At times a child may “hate” school because she isn’t doing well. The work may be too hard. The class may be too large or the setting too distracting for her to concentrate. A child starting middle school may need time to adjust.

Often, however, the problem is school itself. Kids may have valid complaints: “Workbooks are a waste of time.” “Field trips are no fun because you spend your time taking notes and doing what the teacher says to do.” “The book reports we turn in are stupid. You don’t even have to read the book.” “I worked so hard on this paper and she marked it all up and said to do it again. Next time I’m only writing a little.” “All we do is preparing for the standardized test.”

Schools have a responsibility to teach subject matter, help students become independent and responsible learners, and encourage them to think critically and analytically. Children and teachers should respect each other, and teachers should be tolerant of mistakes. Schools also should help parents understand how the education system works and what they can do to help their child. Unfortunately, schools fail at these tasks.

Classroom rules and teaching methods may bore children and discourage learning: “I don’t like science because we never do experiments.” “We have to do the same work as everyone else, even if we already know it.” “You’re never allowed to talk.” “She always calls on the same kids.” There is often not enough flexibility, spontaneity, or creativity in schools. Kids don’t understand or take into consideration all the constraints a teacher faces, dealing with administrative rules, a rigid curriculum, overcrowded classrooms, and difficult students and parents.

“Gifted and talented” classes can be especially disappointing. In some schools, the accelerated and regular curriculums are the same. A gifted child is simply expected to do more of what everyone else is doing—-four similar worksheets, for example, instead of two. One mother took her child out of his middle school gifted program: “The only extra thing the G-T classes had was more busy work!”

Since children don’t have the power to change what happens in the classroom, they complain, hoping adults will help. Some parents listen sympathetically. Like their child, they’re frustrated. They want her to be an active, involved learner, but they fear she won’t be motivated by daily, uninspired lessons.

Other parents don’t want to hear complaints: “I got through the system and so can you.” These parents may defend the status quo and blame their child for not going along with teachers’ demands: “If Mrs. Cooper won’t give you extra credit; she must have a good reason.”

If your child is unhappy in school, she needs your help. Try to find out what’s wrong. If family problems are interfering with schoolwork, make an effort to relieve your child’s stress. If the work seems too hard, find a peer who can coach your child, hire a tutor, do tutoring yourself, or talk to the teacher. If she has continuing difficulty with schoolwork or with a particular teacher, ask if she can switch to another class. If you can’t resolve issues at your child’s school, consider changing to another public school or to a private school that addresses her needs.

Get involved in your child’s education. Encourage her efforts, help with homework, talk about what she’s learning, and be supportive, even when she gets a low grade. Provide the stimulation that may be lacking in school; this will increase her interest and skills. Go to museums, special exhibits, libraries, bookstores, nature centers, and the zoo. Talk about articles from newspapers and magazines. Do research together. Stop in educational stores to pick up interesting materials. And make reading—individually or aloud—a priority.

Talk to your child about her dissatisfaction with school. She may be very perceptive about the problem or she may have only a vague idea of what’s wrong. Many ten- to thirteen- year- olds lack the experience and understanding to analyze their situation. But most can offer some ideas for improvement: “Why can’t we work in groups?” ”Why can’t we make suggestions about subjects to study?” “I wish the teacher would stop patting kids down.” “If she were nicer, I’d ask more questions.”

To help change your child’s school situation, become an active member of the PTA and get to know the teachers and principal. Talk to them about her problems, offer your suggestions, and ask for theirs. If you’re calm and respectful, they should be willing to listen. Contrary to parents’ fears, most teachers won’t react negatively to a child whose parents have a complaint. If you’re not happy with your local school’s response, take your issues to the school district administration. However, be realistic about the improvements you can bring about. School systems change slowly, if at all. Rather than wait, do all you can to keep your child interested in learning.

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Being part of a group is very important to pre- and early adolescents. They spend a great deal of time thinking about their popularity and the main factors that affect it—personality, athletic skills, talents, and looks: “Will Scott invite me to his party?” “Am I as pretty as Lisa?” “Is Ian going to make the team instead of me?” “Who will I walk to school with?” “Will Samir like me if he knows I’m friends with Joey?”

Kids constantly weigh their relative positions in a group. Since friendships can shift at these ages, a child may feel liked one week and rejected the next. Sometimes children who have been best friends through much of elementary school drift apart because of differing interests and developmental changes. If one joins a new group, the other may feel temporarily alone. A pair of friends may be broken up by a third child who bonds with only one of the original two. In some cases, a child may be deliberately targeted by school or neighborhood bullies.

Most kids, however, don’t intend to be cruel. They simply aren’t thinking about the consequences of ending friendships, but instead concentrating on their own interests and desires to be liked.

Parents have mixed reactions to their child’s worries about popularity. At times they’re impatient with concerns about trivial incidents: “I’m sure Beth still likes you. It doesn’t matter if she says hi to Anne first.” They know that these kinds of issues come and go.

However, parents suffer along with their child when he feels truly rejected. They’re upset by his hurt feelings, anger, and confusion. Yet, they can’t make the situation better, as they could during earlier years with a phone call to another parent or an invitation to a new friend. Parents can say, “Call someone else from your class,” but they can’t force others to accept their child and they can’t create friendships for him.

What they can and should do is listen and offer reassurance and help. A child who’s vulnerable needs a great deal of support, and if he doesn’t get it from his parents, he won’t get it at all. They must remind him that he’s worthy of friendship and love and that he’ll get through these tough times.

When your child talks about feeling unpopular, be a sympathetic, understanding listener. If he expresses inevitable doubts about his place in the group, help him put his experience in perspective: “Everybody has an occasional bad day when they play baseball. I’m sure your friends didn’t mean to insult you.”

If he describes deeper hurt, first offer comfort and remind him of his strengths: “This is a hard time for you. But you’re a great kid and I know you’ll make new friends.” Pay enough attention to his friendships so that you know when things aren’t going well. If he doesn’t talk about social problems, raise the subject yourself: “I notice Nick doesn’t call here anymore. Are you two still friends?” “It’s hard to talk about feelings, but I’d like to help you.” Share stories about your experiences while growing up: “I know how you feel about Josh. There was a really popular cheerleader named Sandy in my class and I was jealous of her and wanted to be friends at the same time.”

If you think he’s losing friends because of negative behavior, let him know that he has to be less aggressive and self-centered, and generally nicer to people: “You need to listen to other kids’ suggestions more often.” “Don’t be so tough on your friends.”

If shyness is keeping him from joining a group, have him invite friends over individually. You also can help him focus on hobbies and organized activities he enjoys. That way he can meet people with similar interests and start new friendships with kids who are more like him.

Talk to him about why kids exclude each other and why friendships change. He should understand that former friends probably didn’t mean to hurt his feelings—they just developed new interests. Likewise, if your child has given up some of his own friendships, help him see what the consequences may have been. If you think that he’s mistreating others because they’re unpopular, demand that he change his behavior. Explain how it feels to be ostracized, and don’t accept excuses for his actions. If you find him consistently acting out and bullying, you probably need professional guidance.

You also may need help if your child is the one being deliberately excluded or picked on. Try to find out what’s going on and why he’s a target (since some kids “invite” bullying). Contact his teachers if you think that will make a difference, consistently give him help and encouragement, and get professional advice if you believe that emotional problems are either causing or resulting from his lack of popularity.

It’s become impossible to discuss even the most ordinary issues of unpopularity without at least mentioning the tragic cases of school violence associated with a pre-teen or teenager’s sense of isolation and anger. While news about these frightening incidents receives a great deal of attention, the events are extremely rare. The real lesson for everyone is that parents—and not schools–play the most important day-to-day role in how kids act, feel about themselves, and treat others. It’s appropriate to expect teachers to set and enforce limits on all students and to encourage inclusiveness. But realistically, parents are the ones who have to stay on top of what’s going on, teach responsible behavior, and be active advocates for their child.

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As pre-teens become increasingly involved with friends, they spend more time on the phone. Some make short calls for practical reasons: “When’s the game?” “Do you want to come over?” “What’s the homework?’ Others spend long periods on, the phone every day. They call each other to talk about school, tests, social activities, who likes that, clothes, weather, sports, music, movies, and families. They even call to “watch” television together: “We’ve both got The Simpsons on.”

Parents wonder why their child wants to make and receive so many calls. Adults try to minimize their own time on the phone, especially in the evenings. Yet some kids want to talk constantly, even to people they’ve just seen. A girl leaving a friend after a sleepover may yell, “Call me!” as she gets in the car. One parent described her thirteen-year-old’s visit to her grandparents: “Hi, Grandma and Grandpa. Can I use your phone?”

There are many reasons children like to call each other. Talking on the phone is an activity—something enjoyable to do, especially during the long afternoons if parents aren’t home. It’s a way to stay busy.

Phoning also gives kids a chance to talk about their feelings. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds share less and less of their personal lives with their parents. They’d rather discuss family and social problems with friends who won’t criticize or lecture them. As friendships become increasingly intense at these ages, kids stay in touch out of a sense of loyalty and concern: “Did you get in trouble with your dad?”

Another reason friends call each other is to finish conversations they’ve started in school. Although classmates are together all day, they rarely have time to socialize. Since talking in class can get them in trouble, they call each other at home to talk in detail about the day’s events.

Most parents don’t want their child to spend a lot of time on the phone. They worry about the hours away from homework, chores, and physical activity. They dislike the frequent interruptions caused by phone calls and get angry when the line is busy. “I’m expecting an important business call,” sometimes gets the response, “But I have to tell Jen just one more thing.” In addition, parents don’t like siblings arguing about phone use: “You always let Michelle talk longer.” “John’s on the phone all the time. It’s not fair!” Some parents try to control phone calls with rigid rules, but this rarely works. Tracking calls and strictly allotting phone time takes considerable effort, and there are always special circumstances. If parents forbid all weeknight social calls, their child may end up sneaking calls or lying: “I wasn’t on the phone.” “I just had to ask a question about our math assignment.”

One solution to arguments about phone calls is flexible scheduling: “You can use the phone from 7:30 to 8:00 and then it’s Tim’s turn.” If you try this, make sure all family members know there will be exceptions to the schedule. An important call might come in, someone may have to return a call, or an extra few minutes may be needed to finish a conversation.

You also can try a flexible approach without specific scheduling. If you remind your children to be patient and considerate of each other’s needs, they may be able to juggle phone time according to daily circumstances. You and your spouse also should try to follow the guidelines you set up. Your child will feel angry and uncooperative if all of your calls, even unimportant ones, take precedence over hers.

If you find your child is not spending enough time on homework or other responsibilities, limit her use of the phone: “You can only make a call when your assignments are done.” “You have a big project due in two days. No calls until it’s finished.” You also should limit your child’s calls if you want to spend more time with her: “I just got home and I’d like to hear about your day. You can call Carmen later.”

If she spends too much of her free time on the phone, suggest alternatives. You don’t want phone use to be a substitute for other activities. Try interesting her in drawing, playing a game, and writing, reading, going outside, having a friend over, or taking part in after-school activities or sports.

When she uses the phone (even if it’s her own phone line), be sure she knows how to act responsibly no late-night calls received or made, no trick calls, no calls with silent friends eavesdropping, no rudeness to adults who answer the phone. Be aware of the ways she uses, or misuses, services such as conference calling.

Telephone technology changes constantly, offering options that may help (but also may complicate) home phone use: answering machines, additional phone lines, call-waiting, call-forwarding, computer dedicated phone lines, cell phones, caller ID, and other services and devices. You and your child may be using email and computerized instant messaging as phone alternatives. Whatever options you try, continually encourage your child to share, to be reasonable and responsible, and to show respect for others.

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When kids complain “I never get to do anything good,” parents some-times react with anger and frustration: “So we’re horrible parents.” “Maybe you should go live with Ray if you think his parents treat him so much better.” “Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You do a whole lot more than I did when I was a kid.”

Kids these ages want permission to do what their friends are doing, whether it’s staying out later, wearing makeup, seeing certain movies, or going to an unchaperoned party. They aren’t thinking about safety, arrangements, costs, or their parents’ values. And when they complain, they’re not deliberately trying to hurt their parent’s feelings or act in inconsiderate ways. They’re simply focusing on their need to be part of the group.

When a child repeatedly makes requests that his parents consider unreasonable, they may feel upset not only with him but with his friends. Parents wonder if their child is too dependent on his peers, and they worry that particular friends may be bad influences: “I don’t trust Jose’s judgment. I don’t want you playing inside his house.”

Parents also become frustrated with other parents, especially those they believe are too lenient. One mother refused to let her eleven-year-old walk around a mall with a classmate who was allowed to spend hours at the shopping center unsupervised: “I don’t care if Angela’s mother lets her go by herself. I’m not comfortable letting you wander in the mall without an adult.”

If your child complains about the restrictions you impose, try to listen patiently without responding immediately. He may just need to vent his feelings: “It’s not fair! I’m always the first one who has to go home.” “You’re too protective. You worry all the time.” He may not argue as much with your decisions if he feels heard.

Avoid angry defensive statements, even if you feel unfairly attacked. When he says, “You never let me do anything,” explain why you’re refusing permission for a particular activity; if your refusal is non-negotiable, let him know that there’s no point in trying to persuade you: “Every family is different. These are our family’s rules.”

Offer acceptable alternative activities: “Call Jay and ask if he can come over.” “See if you can find a friend who’d like to go to the pool.” “Let’s stop at the video store so you can get something to watch.”

Periodically re-evaluate your rules, and gradually allow him more freedom as he gets older. But as you ease some restrictions, continue to give firm direction: “Stay with your friends.” “Check in with me.” And continue to say no to things that seem unsafe or inappropriate. Throughout these pre- and early adolescent years, your child needs clear limits, guidelines, and supervision.

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Parents worry about the effect of peer pressure on their child, especially once she turns thirteen. They hope she’ll be strong enough to reject what she knows is wrong. But they understand from their own childhoods that resisting peer pressure is difficult. They also remember how they were turned off by standard warnings and lectures: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?”

Peer influence is an inevitable part of pre- and early adolescence. Kids look to each other when choosing clothes, hairstyles, or music. They behave the way friends do because that makes them feel part of a group. Peer influence often can be positive. Kids suggest good books, introduce friends to new interests, and encourage each other to study, take on neighborhood jobs, or be more polite. One twelve-year-old told his friend, “You could be nicer when you ask your mom to do things for you.”

Of course, there’s also a negative side to peer influence. A susceptible child may be swayed to join a rough crowd or do something dangerous, thoughtless, or illegal: intimidate younger children, shoplift, get into fights, drink, smoke, or try drugs.

Kids who are most vulnerable to peer pressure are those who don’t feel close to their parents or who don’t receive firm, positive direction from them. A child may be largely ignored at home or forced to follow overly strict rules. As a result, she may look to friends for the attention and guidance she lacks at home. She also may be insecure. She follows her peers’ bad suggestions to gain a sense of identity and feel accepted.

Most kids these ages, however, aren’t led into deep trouble by peers. A child chooses friends who are like her. And ten- to thirteen-year-olds usually can’t be persuaded to violate their basic family values. They can be talked into mischief, though, so parents have to stay alert. One twelve-year-old snuck out of a school dance, violating the rules. He told his parents, “Scott and John told me to.” He wasn’t thinking about the rules, the worry he caused, or the potential danger. He only considered the thrill of the moment and the fun of being with his friends.

Your child will be less affected by negative peer pressure if she has you are with a good self-image and a strong connection to family. The more involved her, the more she’ll want to please you. And if her identity is relatively secure, she won’t be so dependent on the approval of her friends.

Set limits on her behavior so she’ll know what you expect and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t follow the rules. If you find out after the fact that she did something you disapprove discipline her? Then keep a closer eye on her and her friends.

Discuss peer pressure with her. Let her know you expect her to stand up to the group at times, even though you realize how difficult that can be. Try role-playing: “What would you do if a friend stole a necklace while you were shopping together?” “If everyone was picking on someone at school how would you act?” Let her know that being independent won’t mean the end of her social life.

Encourage her to share her worries and talk about her relationships with friends. Peer pressure and risky behavior will be increasing concerns as your child gets older, and you need to anticipate the inevitable problems. As she moves through adolescence, she’ll need your guidance, watchfulness, and support if she’s going to resist the pressure to “go along.”

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Bar and Bat Mitzvahs are the traditional coming-of-age ceremonies for thirteen-year-old Jewish boys and girls. The ceremony is the culmination of years of general study plus an intensive six months of tutoring and preparation. The Bar Mitzvah itself is a moving and spiritually fulfilling event. As the child reads and interprets his Torah portion, he offers wisdom and insight to his listeners. The periods before and after the Bar Mitzvah are exciting, but they can sometimes be hectic or stressful.

As family members look forward to the ceremony, they may have ambivalent feelings. Twelve-year-olds wonder how they’ll do: “What if I make a mistake?” “Will my speech be all right?” The hours spent on Hebrew and Bar Mitzvah preparation can cause considerable pressure: “I’ll never be ready!” “All I do is homework and my Torah portion!”

Parents feel proud and sentimental as their child prepares to take on the responsibilities of a Jewish adult; however, preparations for the coming ceremony can put a strain on family life. Parents have to support their child as he learns and practices, and help him focus on the spiritual meaning of the event. They also have to take care of the practical arrangements, including scheduling lessons, driving, discussing the service, working with the rabbi and cantor, and reserving the sanctuary. If a party is planned, they have to handle other details, too: invitations, food, entertainment, decorations, and clothes. These responsibilities, added to everyday routines, leave many parents feeling stressed.

Siblings, too, can be affected by the Bar Mitzvah. A younger child may be jealous: “It’s not fair! I want my Bat Mitzvah when Jessie has hers.” An older child who’s already had a Bar Mitzvah may feel neglected as attention shifts to his sibling.

As you and your child approach the Bar Mitzvah, you can decrease stress by concentrating on the religious nature of the occasion, rather than the preparations or the party. Talk about Judaism and your child’s connection to past generations. Discuss Jewish history, holidays, and customs, the Holocaust, and the beliefs and history of other religions. Also emphasize the need to help others. Many families make community service and charitable donations an important part of the Bar Mitzvah period.

Get involved with your child’s studies. Your interest, help, and support will make it easier for him to learn his Torah portion and prayers and write his speech. Involve him in planning the service if the rabbi allows some flexibility. Your child may be able to choose prayers, recite a poem, or pick out appropriate music.

As you plan your party, let your choices reflect your family’s style, budget, and values. You may have to resist pressure from relatives who want you to celebrate as they would, and you may also have to resist internal pressure to “keep up” with friends and acquaintances.

Your child will be feeling social pressures of his own: “I want kids to like my party.” “Why can’t we have the same things Aaron had?” If he feels in competition with others, help him focus on the meaning of the occasion and the honor of having friends and family with him. Whatever your celebration is like, he, as the center of attention, will enjoy it.

It’s appropriate to expect your other children to be happy for the Bar Mitzvah child. However, you may have to help them cope with jealousy. Encourage them to share their thoughts: “Brian’s been getting a lot of attention because his Bar Mitzvah’s coming up. What do you think of all this?” Spend extra time with them and involve them, if they wish, in some of the preparations.

Since Bar Mitzvahs are planned far in advance, there’s always a chance of unexpected events, even disappointments. Illness, bad weather, or family conflicts may interfere with plans. A relative may not come. One of your child’s classmates may have a Bar Mitzvah on the same day as your child’s. If you remain calm in the face of changes or disappointments, he will follow your lead.

After the Bar Mitzvah, you’ll feel happy and proud but also somewhat let down after so much anticipation. Your child’s feelings may be similar to yours, but he’ll quickly be distracted by school, social life, sports, and other interests.

Your final responsibility is to have him write thank-you notes. Make up a schedule: “I want you to write five cards every night.” Give him a set of sample notes to follow. Sit with him and offer suggestions on personalizing his cards.

If he received money as a gift, give him guidelines for handling it—have him save a large portion and keep a small amount at home to spend as he wishes. Some parents ask their child to give one of his presents to each of his siblings. Many parents ask their child to donate some gift money to charity. Being generous to those in need is a value that is particularly appropriate at the time of a Bar Mitzvah.

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