Category Parenting Queries

One of the earliest signs of puberty is increased body odor. In the beginning, it may only be detectable after a child finishes playing a sport or participating in gym class. As he gets older, the need for deodorant becomes more obvious.

Kids sometimes hear about body odor from teachers who discuss general hygiene in class. Sometimes they hear about it from classmates: “You have b.o.” “Jeremy stinks!” More often, however, they won’t mention body odor to a friend for fear of hurting his feelings. Instead, it’s a parent who first tells a child to start using deodorant.

His reaction will vary, depending on his maturity and his ability to practice good hygiene. Some kids are quite practical. They’re independent about getting ready for school and activities, and they easily incorporate deodorant use into their daily routine with only an occasional reminder.

Many other ten- to thirteen-year-olds need frequent reminders. They have much on their minds, especially in the morning: “Where’s my lunch money? Did I study enough for the math test? What pants should I wear? I wish I could go back to sleep.” They have trouble remembering about teeth, cleanliness, and nails, and deodorant is just one more thing that’s easily forgotten.

Finally, some kids these ages may not be ready—or willing—to think about bodily changes, especially increased odor. They don’t yet have an adolescent’s concern about image, and they can’t easily detect the odor themselves. They would just as soon ignore the issue.

This is frustrating for parents who want to spare their child and themselves embarrassment. They don’t want him to be teased and they don’t want other adults to say, “He shouldn’t let his kid smell like that.” One teacher announced to her class, “Somebody in here has body odor.”

To get your child to use deodorant, make it easy for him. Put the container in clear sight along with his toothbrush, soap, and hair-brush. If deodorant is kept in a cabinet, he may never think about it. Post a friendly or humorous note on the bathroom mirror. Remind him every morning. Put deodorant in his overnight bag when he sleeps out.

New routines always take time to learn, and soon enough your child will take over responsibility for this and the other aspects of grooming. The closer he gets to adolescence, the more he will focus on his body and his appearance.

For now, he’s not being neglectful or lazy. He’s either genuinely for-getting about deodorant or he’s uncomfortable about this new part of his life. Let him know that his feelings are common, and keep talking to him about the importance of good hygiene.

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“All I did was ask about the party and my daughter started crying.”

“Every day my son comes home from school in a bad mood.”

“Why does my child get so angry when plans change?”

Emotions during the pre- and early adolescent years are intense and unpredictable. One moment a child feels rage and the next she seems calm and delightful. Mood changes and bursts of temper often take parents by surprise. A simple question asked of a thirteen-year-old (“Do you think that sweater will keep you warm?”) can solicit a furious response: “Mom, you just don’t understand anything. I hate talking to you!” One eleven-year-old instantly went from happy to belligerent when his mother ran a brief errand on the way to baseball practice: “Why do you always have to stop at stores?” A twelve-year-old left for school in a bad mood because she was out of hair gel.

Everyone feels moody at times; emotional ups and downs are a normal part of life, but they’re exaggerated at this time, especially for twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. During these years, kids go through great physical, intellectual, and psychological changes, all of which affect their emotions. A child begins to think about her beliefs and values. She is capable of considering other people’s thoughts and opinions. Unfortunately, she often assumes people are thinking about her, especially in critical ways. She may act very self-consciously: “Will my freckles go away?” “Why is everyone staring at me?” “I wanted to die when I tripped on the steps at school.” She may feel inferior to her peers: “Why am I the one with horrible hair?” Such insecurity causes frequent mood swings.

As part of the normal drive for independence, a child distances herself from her parents, and in the process becomes more critical of their actions and choices. She can imagine an ideal self and family. When she or her parents fall short, she can easily become unhappy or angry.

In addition, thoughts and emotions that were suppressed or not easily verbalized during earlier years might surface now. She may become very upset about unfair treatment in the past: “You’re always so critical. I can’t be perfect!” Through bad moods and angry outbursts, she releases her frustration with her parents.

There is another reason for mood swings: life gets more complex and stressful for kids at these ages. Competitive sports, adjusting to middle school, an expanding social life, busy schedules, family conflicts, and worries about the world outside the home all affect a child’s emotions. Parents’ expectations also increase as kids get older. One thirteen-year-old said, “My parents make me so mad. They order me to clean up, go somewhere, do something, and they ground me if I don’t listen.”

These are some of the underlying causes of mood swings. And almost any event can trigger a short temper or bad mood—a low grade on a test, a teasing remark, a disagreement with a friend or sibling, any embarrassment. If a child isn’t invited to join her classmates after school, she may come home and shout at her brother. A boy who’s criticized during gym class may in turn criticize his parents’ choice of conversation at dinner.

Because many of the changes in a child’s life are not experienced on a conscious level or are subtle, a pre- or early adolescent may be puzzled or upset by her own shifting moods: “I don’t know why, but I’m depressed.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m sorry I get mad all the time.” There’s so much to sort through and understand that kids sometimes feel out of control.

You can help your child feel less confused by telling him what you think is causing his anger: “You didn’t expect to do poorly on the math test, did you?” “That was a tough game.” “Brooke should have invited you, too.” Share experiences from your youth: “I remember how awful it felt not having someone to talk to at the bus stop.’ “I used to be mean to Aunt Joan a lot when I was in a bad mood.”

Resist asking frequently, “What’s wrong?’ or, “Are you all right?” because your child will eventually react defensively. One twelve-year-old told her mother, “I hate when you ask me if I’m in a bad mood.”

While you should allow your child the occasional harmless outburst—everyone needs to let out some frustration—in general, don’t accept rude or disrespectful behavior. Tell her when her words are inappropriate – “I’m really bothered by your tone.” “You need to control your temper.”—she might not view her moodiness or short temper in negative ways. Let her know that her negative behavior will have consequences.

Examine and, if necessary, change your own behavior. If you have a short temper or frequently act moody, your child may be copying you. Think about circumstances that might be exaggerating her moodiness, such as difficulty with schoolwork, tension at home, or excessive pressure to excel. If you can ease some of these problems and bolster her self-confidence in any way, you’ll see an improvement in her temperament. One child began to feel calmer when his parents let him drop out of competitive swimming.

When your child is pleasant or cooperative, compliment her. In general, tell her she’s a “good kid.” And try to have a sense of humor in the face of normal pre-teen and early adolescent behavior. One parent told his thirteen-year-old, “Stop acting like a thirteen-year-old!”

Your child, like most, probably saved her short temper and moodiness for home, where she feels relatively safe and secure. At school, with friends, and with adults other than her parents, she’s most likely polite and controlled. Moodiness at home is a normal part of development. Although it may be difficult for you, try to be supportive and patient.

All families have to work at living in harmony. Blended families, especially ones with ten- to thirteen-year-olds, have to try particularly hard. Kids these ages go through tremendous physical and emotional changes as they form their adolescent identities. In the midst of their internal upheavals, they often react quite negatively to a new step-family. And new stepparents may have negative feelings of their own. They rarely feel the same bond with a stepchild that they do with their natural children. Adjusting to life in a blended family requires much commitment, patience, and understanding from all members.

Parents may have an easier time if they understand the child’s point of view. Because he may still be sad about his parents’ divorce, he may fear attachment to another adult who might leave. He also may worry about losing the love and attention of his newly married parent, seeing the stepparent as an intruder and rival.

The stepparent is another authority figure, and a pre- or early adolescent will resent new or different rules and restrictions. He doesn’t want his natural parent to give up control: “If he didn’t live with us, you wouldn’t make me clean my room so much!” “Why do I have to go to bed early just because Margaret said so?”

When a stepparent joins a family, many rituals and routines change, and a ten- to thirteen-year-old finds that upsetting. He doesn’t want his natural parent to act differently, and he doesn’t want to alter the patterns of everyday life.

A child who resents a stepparent may act on his feelings in a number of ways. He may try to sabotage the new marriage by being intentionally uncooperative and belligerent. He may fantasize that his actions will bring his natural parents together again.

He may use his stepparent as a target for all his frustration and anger: “It’s Jim’s fault I didn’t do well on the test. I can’t study when he’s around.” ‘It’s never fun going to dinner anymore because of Ellen and her dumb kids.” He feels safe doing this because he has little to lose – he doesn’t necessarily care what his stepparent thinks of him.

One reason a child may focus so much blame on the stepparent is because he wants his natural parent to be the “good” one. If he gets upset at him or her, he risks feeling guilty, losing his parent’s love, and facing his mother or father’s anger.

Another complication in blended families is the presence of stepsiblings. At these ages, kids don’t want to be told whom to like. Yet, in a blended family they’re thrown together with new siblings and forced to socialize, have their weekends interrupted by visits from each other, share possessions and perhaps even a bedroom, and compete for attention from parents. It’s natural that stepsiblings feel resentment about perceived unfairness. And if the parents in a remarriage have different discipline standards, stepsiblings will argue about who has to listen to which adult.

In spite of the difficulties, blended families can succeed. To help your family during its adjustment, look for stepfamily social or support groups in your area. They offer an opportunity to talk about concerns, hear tips on getting along, and listen to other families’ experiences. You also might consider using a therapist to help improve your family’s relationships.

Talk often at home. Hold family meetings, allowing each member to speak without interruption about troubling issues. To avoid angry outbursts, set ground rules – no put-downs or criticism and no yelling. Such meetings can create a positive atmosphere and clear up misunderstandings.

If you are a stepparent, be patient as you get to know your stepchild. Ask him about his activities and interests, go to his games, and help him with his hobbies. Don’t create or enforce rules unless you have a good relationship with him, and don’t try to replace his absent natural parent. If he rejects you, look for possible openings. Will he let you help with homework? Can you play tennis, cook, bike, garden, sing, or read together?

If you’re the natural parent, spend time alone with your child, reinforcing your relationship. Praise him when he tries to get along with his stepfamily: “I know it’s hard sometimes. Thanks for trying.” Be realistic in your expectations for the relationship between him and your child. Tell him how you’d like him to act and remind him, if necessary, that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable: “We don’t treat you that way and we don’t want you treating us that way.” Take on the role of disciplinarian for him, rather than leaving that responsibility to your new spouse.

Be sensitive to the difficulty stepsiblings have with their arrangements. It takes time for kids to adjust to each other. Sometimes ask them for suggestions about getting along and dealing with conflicts.

As you adjust to your blended family, it’s important that your marriage remain loving and stable. Remarriages are often difficult, and stepfamily tension coupled with everyday stress can be very disruptive. If you put time and effort into your relationship with your spouse, you will not only strengthen the bonds of your marriage, but your bonds with your child as well. When he sees that you love and enjoy each other, he may try harder to accept his situation. And he may realize that his anger and stubbornness are causing him to miss out on a satisfying family life.

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It’s common for kids to have a hard time if their single parent begins to date. They may complain, sulk, or otherwise act out their discomfort and unhappiness. One girl told her mother, “When you go out with a man, it’s worse than the divorce!” Another child cried whenever she saw either of her parents with a new companion.

Parents who are looking forward to resuming their social lives may resent this display of anger and sadness: “Don’t ruin things. I need a life too. It’s not my fault your father left me.” While parents can understand some of their child’s unhappiness, they’re often surprised by the depth of her negative feelings.

Most children resent their parents’ dating because they believe it makes a family reconciliation less likely. Ten- to thirteen-year-olds may still think that they can bring their parents back together, or that their parents will re-unite on their own. A child may act rudely to her parents’ dates in hopes of discouraging relationships outside the original family.

She also may worry about receiving less attention once her parent begins dating. In a sense, she feels abandoned as her single parent focuses time and energy on a new companion. A date is an intruder and a threat.

Sometimes a child remains distant toward her parents’ dates because she fears involvement: “I think this guy will walk out on us like my dad did.” The child doesn’t want her parent to get hurt, and she doesn’t want to get hurt herself. Depending on the circumstances of the divorce, she may fear that her parent won’t be loyal to the new companion.

Finally, she may be uncomfortable with her parents’ social life because she herself is becoming interested in dating. Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds who are discovering their own sexual and romantic feelings dislike imagining that their parents might have similar thoughts.

To deal with your child’s worries, keep the lines of communication open if you start dating. Find out what she thinks, even if you’d rather not know. She’ll feel better talking openly about her concerns. Acknowledge your difficulties: “This is awkward, isn’t it?” “How can I help you feel better about my dating?” Imagine yourself in her place – it might help you understand and be more patient.

When you begin to date someone, meet him or her at a location other than your home. There’s no point in upsetting your child by having her greet the people you go out with.

Before bringing dates home, tell them about your child and offer advice on dealing with her. If they seem overly friendly, she may withdraw. Brief, casual contact is best. If dates show a genuine interest in her, she may respond favorably, although she may not want to spend much time with them. If they complement you or act affectionate in her presence, she may feel threatened and worry about losing you.

Don’t have a date spend the night at your house. Your child will feel embarrassed and awkward knowing that you’re sleeping with someone in the family’s home. In addition, she’ll be negatively influenced by what goes on. She’s looking to you as a model, and eventually she’ll copy you. If you want her to have good values as she enters adolescence, don’t expose her to sleepovers.

As you continue to date, you may be tempted to ask your child for acceptance or even advice. But don’t expect too much. She won’t be able to understand or validate your social life. She’s more likely to be uncooperative since she’d prefer that you didn’t go out. If your expectations are unrealistic, you’ll only become frustrated and angry.

You’ll have to work hard at helping her adjust. The more time you spend talking with her, being with her, and building a positive relationship, the easier that adjustment may be. If your dating takes time and attention away from her, you and she will be in conflict. If she has unusual difficulty with your dating, she may need extra support, including a therapy group.

Once you understand the problems your dating can cause, you may want to consider an option some parents have chosen: not dating until your children are older or even grown. Certainly this involves a sacrifice and may seem an unusual alternative. But the years of active parenting go quickly and you may find that putting your energy into family life, especially after a divorce, will have lasting benefits while still leaving you time for personal intimacy later.

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Parents don’t want the breakup of their marriage to harm their child. Before divorce, many parents seek advice from a family therapist about minimizing their child’s suffering. During and after the divorce, most parents’ love and concern for their child remain unchanged. Yet, the stress of divorce can be so intense that parents eventually find it hard to keep concentrating on their child’s needs.

Divorce is almost always devastating for kids. Many parents want to believe their child will bounce back: “Kids are so resilient.” “He’ll get over it after a little while.” But children don’t recover easily. Some may seem unaffected simply because they have busy schedules and many distractions. Others keep their feelings to themselves for fear of further upsetting or angering their parents. A child who is confused, ashamed, or embarrassed may hide or deny his feelings rather than talk about this tough issue. And many emotions are repressed.

            What a child of divorce feels is sadness, anger, hurt, and sometimes a sense of abandonment. Even if he was exposed to frequent turmoil when his parents were together, he usually won’t greet the divorce with relief. Almost all kids want their family to stay together, and they feel powerless when they can’t make their wish come true. One twelve-year-old whose parents had been separated for a year told her friend, “For my birthday I don’t want any presents. I just want my family to have dinner together again.” A ten-year-old wrote a note to a classmate: “You’re always happy. Is that because your parents aren’t divorced?”

After divorce, a child is often expected to behave more maturely than before, take care of himself, assume some of the absent parent’s responsibilities, or provide emotional support to the parent at home. These are impossible burdens for any child who finds the condition of his family life and the state of his childhood dramatically changed.

Even the most comfortable parts of a child’s life may suddenly become stressful after divorce. Dinner and bedtime may be awkward. Family celebrations may be uncomfortable, and relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins may be strained or even cut off.

If parents are very angry about the divorce, all aspects of a child’s everyday life will be affected. Some parents may coerce their child into taking sides, leaving him feeling guilty, disloyal, and resentful. If he does blame one parent for the breakup, he may idealize the other one, praising him or her in the presence of the “bad” parent.

All these potentially negative experiences, if not dealt with carefully by parents, can cause great emotional harm. A child may develop a poor self-image, distrust, a pessimistic outlook, or depression. He also may have trouble in school or with peers and siblings.

During and following a divorce, parents have to commit themselves to putting their child’s needs first – to consistently giving love and attention and being deeply involved in his life. He needs extra affection and understanding during and after a breakup, and he needs both of his parents to be nurturers and role models.

Parents have to refrain from speaking ill of each other in their child’s presence. The parent who does not live with the child has to have frequent contact, drive carpools, go to his special events, and help with homework. If a parent does not stay involved, the child will feel rejected and unworthy of love.

To help your child through divorce, encourage him to talk. Let him know he can share his worries, anger, and questions. You’ll find out what he’s thinking and you can clear up confusion: “No, we aren’t going to move. We’re staying right here in our house.”

Offer information and answer his questions. He’ll want to know about changes. Will he still go on vacations and visit relatives? Where will the other parent live? What should he tell his friends? Who will he celebrate holidays with? You should raise these issues if he doesn’t bring them up. He’ll feel less worried knowing you and he can talk openly.

Don’t expect too much from him. He won’t be any better at making decisions or being responsible than he was before your divorce. He’s still a child and his needs should come before yours or your ex-spouse’s. If the practical side of parenting seems overwhelming, simplify your life to make more time for your child. Have easy meals, let some housekeeping chores go, cut back on outside commitments.

Encourage him to stay in touch with your ex-spouse’s relatives. Continuing his relationship with grandparents and cousins will help him feel part of an extended family.

Over time your child may begin to understand and accept his situation, although it will be difficult for years, perhaps for the rest of his life. He’ll probably continue to wish there had never been a divorce. As a parent, you have to understand that your divorce will inevitably cause your child hurt and pain. Your attention and consistent understanding are needed to help your child with his emotions.

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“Don’t come in when you pick me up at school.”

“Please don’t be a chaperone.”

“We can’t go to the mall together – my friends might be there.”

Twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are easily embarrassed by their parents. They may feel humiliated by anything their parents do in public, such as laugh out loud, cheer at a game, sneeze, wave, or simply stand around. Parents may put up with their child’s embarrassment and even be amused by it for a while. But sometimes they find it annoying to be warned off, criticized, and ignored.

A child this age is self-conscious and uncertain about her own behavior. She can easily extend her self-consciousness to include her behavior parents’ behavior, feeling that what they do reflects on her. If her parents “make a mistake,” she worries that her friends will think less of her. One father, out with his son, said, “Hi Andy,” to a child whose name was really Annie. Annie didn’t mind, but the son was extremely embarrassed: “When you said the wrong name it made me feel dumb.”

Being part of the group is very important to twelve- and thirteen-year-olds. They are becoming increasingly independent of their parents and want to spend more time with their peers. A child wants to act the way her friends do, which is different from the way she acts at home. When her friends and her parents are together, even briefly, she feels embarrassed and awkward. She doesn’t want her parents to see her joke around and relate to her peers, especially those of the opposite sex. And she doesn’t want her friends to see how she behaves with her family. One child was invited to a Bar Mitzvah along with her parents. She told them, “I’m not going to like this. I can’t dance if you’re there looking at me.”

A child cares a great deal about her friends’ opinions, including their opinion of her parents. It’s hard to convince her that her peers are emotionally removed from all parents but their own—she still feels that her parents are the focus of attention. And even if her parents are young in spirit, have a good relationship with her, and are comfortable with her friends, she’ll continue to worry.

You may think your child’s embarrassment is silly. But she’s showing common early adolescent thinking and behavior. You probably can remember similar feelings about your own parents. One mother told her grown daughter, “You used to be just like Erica is. You always wanted me to walk three feet in front of you.” If you and your child discuss the issue honestly, you will probably hear that she likes being with you at home or at activities where parents are usually involved, such as watching a game or eating out. She just doesn’t want to be with you in front of her friends.

You can try modifying some of your behavior to show respect for her feelings. If she doesn’t want you to tell jokes when her friends are present go along with her. However, if her embarrassment is consistently excessive, let her know you will have to be together in public at times. You should continue to talk to her friends when you see them.

Don’t try to lessen her embarrassment by becoming “friends” with her and her peers. Dressing, talking, or behaving like an adolescent is not appropriate. She needs to feel separate from you. Work on building a positive relationship with her by talking, showing an interest, guiding her, and respecting her.

While the majority of children feel embarrassment over minor incidents, some have to deal with seriously embarrassing situations involving irresponsible parents. If your family is experiencing complex problems, your child – and the rest of the family – can benefit from professional help.

In most cases, however, embarrassment is short-lived and nothing to worry about. Once your child gains more independence and experience socializing, her comfort with you will increase.

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