Category Parenting Queries

“Leave me alone!”

“I want to be by myself.”

As kids get older, their desire for privacy increases. Ten- and eleven-year-olds like occasional time alone, but many twelve- and thirteen-year-olds spend considerable time by themselves. This is a natural consequence of their growing independence; however, some parents find it troubling: “It doesn’t seem right when my daughter goes off to her room. It feels like she’s rejecting the whole family.” Parents remember how their young child used to follow them and how he felt most comfortable and secure when they were close by. They may wonder why he now wants to spend so much time on his own.

Kids often go into their bedrooms and shut the door because they want to relax in a quiet atmosphere. Some read, listen to music, draw, or organize baseball cards. Some enjoy private time in a room playing a video game, watching TV, using a computer, or talking on the telephone. Going off by themselves, kids are able to get away from the stresses and noise of younger siblings and household activities.

Kids also seek privacy to get away from adult demands. After a day spent with teachers and coaches, parents’ questions and expectations can seem overwhelming. And in some families, when a child is in sight, he’s given spontaneous chores: “As long as you’re in the kitchen, please set the table.” “Take Katie out to play.” “Help me straighten the family room.” A child learns that if he goes right to his room he’s less likely to receive added responsibilities.

In some cases, he may isolate himself in an attempt to escape from problems. He may be having trouble making friends or keeping up with schoolwork. He also may be retreating from family conflicts. Time alone can offer a short reprieve from difficulties, but parents should be concerned if he shows signs of depression, such as eating less, sleeping more, losing interest in friends and activities, moping, or appearing sad or angry.

If you’re worried about your child’s excessive desire for privacy, talk to him about your concerns. You may discover that he goes to his room out of habit, and your reminders may be enough to change his behavior. You may learn that he’s upset about school and homework or that he feels pressured by responsibilities or arguments at home. Try to decrease his stress – offer help with assignments, time with a tutor, fewer demands. Provide encouragement and positive attention.

As long as his time alone is not excessive, respect his wish for privacy and, if necessary, help him out. Ask younger siblings to keep their distance for short while. Allow him free time during the day. If your children share a bedroom, have them work out a schedule for time alone, or let each spend periods by himself in another room. If you allow your child adequate privacy, he’ll probably balance that by spending time with family and friends.

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Families always seem to be busy. Parents’ weekdays are filled with work, appointments, car pools, chores, errands, and volunteer projects. Weekends, rather than being relaxing, are times for shopping, driving to children’s activities, laundry, household repairs, and paying bills.

Kids’ schedules are full too. In addition to school, homework, and chores, a ten- to thirteen-year-old may have lessons, classes, sports, or religious school. She may spend time talking on the phone, getting together with her friends, working on hobbies, reading, listening to music, working on the computer, watching TV, or playing video games. Between her activities and her parents’, there’s little time for the family to be together.

Eventually, this lack of closeness can lead to problems. Everyone knows older parents who say, “I wish I’d spent more time with the kids when they were young.” The parent-child relationship is built during childhood and adolescence, and once the time to be together on a daily basis passes – usually by age eighteen – parents can be left with many regrets.

You should make a special effort to be with your child, even if you seem to have little opportunity or energy. By rearranging your schedule or giving up some of the things you now spend time on – socializing, volunteering, working long hours, keeping the house in perfect order – you can make yourself more available.

If your child wants to tell you a story, put down the paper or the mail and give her your undivided attention. When she practices piano, occasionally sit with her and listen. When you’re both in the car, use the time for discussion. Start having breakfast together or stay off the phone or computer in the evenings so you and she can talk.

The initiative has to come from you because she may be too busy or self-absorbed to think about your lack of time together. While it’s natural for her to want to be with friends much of the day, make it clear that family time – whether regularly planned or spontaneous – is important, too. One way around conflicts is to include her friends in some of your family activities.

When you focus on her interests, she’ll welcome your increased attention. You can sit in her room while she talks about her day or you can listen to her music together. You may be surprised to find that you and she like some of the same kinds of songs. Try playing a board game or video game together, making dessert, reading out loud, or sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot chocolate.

Try not to use your limited time together to reprimand her. In some families, the only time parents and children talk is to argue. While it’s important to settle disagreements, the calm and enjoyable hours you spend together are valuable. They help create an atmosphere that makes it easier for her to be cooperative and open.

This is a period of rapid changes for her. One father realized with a shock that in only five years his thirteen-year-old would be off to college: “I don’t have much time left with him.” The everyday events that fill your calendar should not keep you from spending time with your child as she grows and matures. Being together is an important part of strengthening the bond between you.

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Celebrations and rituals are essential – they’re part of the glue that keeps families together. Many holiday rituals, such as trick-or-treating or a visit to Santa, are aimed at young children. Other family traditions involve all the generations: Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July, Kwanzaa, the Passover Seder. In spite of the work involved, parents look forward to these annual celebrations as a time for family togetherness. But as kids reach ten to thirteen years old, they may no longer want to participate in the same ways, if at all. Instead of being excited about an upcoming event, a twelve-year-old may shock and disappoint his parents by asking, “Do I have to go?”

By these ages, some kids reject family traditions because they’re beginning to be self-conscious or don’t see the purpose anymore. A child may feel awkward about dressing up, playing games, and being in the spotlight. He wonders what others think of him: “Do I look stupid in this costume?” He may feel he’s outgrown a celebration: “I’m too old for parades!” Because twelve- and thirteen-year-olds are easily embarrassed, they may not want to be seen with their parents, especially if friends are around: “I don’t want to go to the fireworks with you. I’d rather go with Gwen.”

It’s sad for parents when certain rituals end. Adults who’ve enjoyed decorating Easter eggs and hosting cake-and-ice-cream birthday parties don’t want to give up the close times they’ve had with their child. His reluctance to participate in holidays reminds them of his growing independence and inevitable separation.

Still, people of all ages need family traditions. If your child is beginning to reject your rituals, you can make some accommodations while still reinforcing the importance of celebrating together.

For example, try changing the way you mark a holiday. One mother who always decorated for Halloween didn’t want to give up the tradition when her children became teenagers. Now she decorates only the hallway for trick-or-treaters to see, and her children, though perhaps “too old” for the holiday, like seeing the ritual continued.

Your child may feel better about family celebrations if you modify the circumstances a bit. Let him bring a friend along. Suggest that he take a Walkman or a book to a gathering; however, let him know he should spend most of his time socializing. Occasionally, you might limit the amount of time you spend at family get-togethers. You’ll have fewer struggles if you bend a little.

Create new celebrations to mark the changes in your child’s life. On the last day of school, go out to dinner. Finish the sport’s season with a special lunch. One ten-year-old prompted her family to start an annual Kids’ Day.

There are some holidays you won’t want to change. If certain celebrations are very important, let your child know he has to take part: “We always go to midnight mass on Christmas eve.” “You have to spend Passover with us at Aunt Lil’s.” In busy times these events bring your family together and give it an identity. As your child grows, these annual celebrations will become the traditions he remembers and carries on.

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Every child feels some jealousy toward her siblings. A younger child resents an older one’s abilities, privileges, and experience. A quiet child resents the attention her more outgoing or accomplished sibling receives. All kids feel at least temporarily jealous or siblings who have higher grades, newer shoes, more praise.

While some jealousy is inevitable, consistent jealousy comes from a child’s belief that she’s being treated unfairly, especially by her parents. Parents’ attitudes and actions shape the relationships between siblings. A child may be right about her treatment, or she may be misreading her situation. But as long as she thinks she’s being slighted, she’ll be jealous.

Kids are very sensitive to their parents’ words: “My dad always says my brother’s real smart.” “They don’t yell at her like they yell at me.” “What’s so great about Ben?” Parents at times give more positive attention to one child. Perhaps they feel that he needs encouragement or is temporarily vulnerable: “You did a terrific job on your math test!” They may feel proud of one child’s accomplishments: “Show Grandma and Grandpa what you learned in ballet.”

Sometimes, without realizing it, parents favor one child. They may believe they’re fair, but in subtle and powerful ways, they give great cause for jealousy: “Becky’s very organized, but Stacey is so messy.” “Matt is so much slower at homework than his brother.” “Thank goodness Katie’s such an easy child.”

When kids feel jealousy, whether justified or not, they may want to talk about it: “You always let her sit up front!” However, many parents get angry or won’t listen: “That’s nonsense!” “You have just as many things as your brother.” If a child gets in trouble for protesting, she’ll stop speaking up. If she believes she’s hurt her parents, she’ll also feel guilty for her negative thoughts about them. Complaining is too risky if it means making parents angry or losing their love. A child who can’t express the truth or who doesn’t fully understand her feelings will direct all her anger toward a safer person – her sibling – thereby reinforcing their rivalry.

Although family relationships are well established by the time a child is ten, there are constructive changes you can make if you want child to lessen sibling rivalry. The most important is to listen, especially if jealousy between your children is significant. Have them explain how they feel about your words and actions. Let them say what disappoints them. You may find this difficult, but when problems are out in the open, change is more likely to happen. If they don’t raise the issue of jealousy but you believe it’s a problem, initiate the discussion yourself.

Let them know that you’ve heard them: “You’re saying that things don’t seem fair in this family.” Listen to their suggestions: “I want you to tell me my work is good.” “You and Dad should come to my games more.” “Don’t always talk about Ian.”

Put limits on their rivalry: “While Mom and I are working on changes, we expect you to work on getting along better.” Tell them you won’t tolerate constant bickering. Sometimes kids struggle with each other because they haven’t been firmly told not to.

Honesty and openness will gradually enhance your children’s relationship. When your jealous child feels heard and sees that changes are being made, she’ll start to feel better about her siblings. During this time of change, you may want assistance from a third party such as a therapist or counselor. Even positive differences can be hard to accept or get used to.

While one of your children may be enjoying the attention you begin to give her, a previously “favored” child may have to adjust to a new situation. That child may have to learn to share your time and attention. Tell her, “We never realized your brother felt left out. We love you as much as always, but we’re trying to be fairer now to both of you.” You may find that your “favored” child is relieved to be out of the spotlight, just as a teacher’s pet may be glad to give up that title. It’s often awkward for a child who receives better treatment than others.

Think about the ways your children’s lives affect each other. As one child succeeds in school, another may need more attention. As one goes off with friends, the other may need support. Don’t expect the same behavior from each of your children. Try to create a balance so that, despite differences in age, interests, personality, and skills, each of your children feels special and important.

Finally, encourage them to be nice to each other. Praise their kind gestures, recognize the times they accept each other, and show them, by your words and actions, the benefits of an improved family relationship.

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“The principal is so strict.”

“Grown-ups think they know everything.”

“My coach doesn’t put me in the game enough.”

“Adults always get in front of kids.”

Many kids complain about adults. They speak disparagingly of them, show them little respect, and shut them out. For some kids, this negative view is an inevitable result of being young and dependent. For others, it’s an adopted attitude, influenced by peers, TV, and movies. But for some, it’s a sign of troubling relationships with the adults around them.

At its simplest level, a negative view of adults comes from a child’s sense of powerlessness. Parents, teachers, grandparents, coaches, and counselors have high expectations and often make harsh-sounding demands: “Clean your room.” “Stop talking during class.” “Get over here.” “Don’t fight with your brother.” “Be on time.” Children, especially sensitive ones, are easily affected by an unkind tone or manner. They feel hurt, angry, or defensive, and react with skepticism and a broad generalization: “Adults are mean.”

Negative attitudes are reinforced by peers and the media. It may be “cool” to look down on adults. Since ten- to thirteen-year-olds are increasingly influenced by their friends, the attitude of one child may he copied by others. Many cartoons, sitcoms, and movies portray adults, especially parents, as bumbling, wrong-headed, or even evil. The more exposure kids have to TV, the more they hear about incompetent, uncaring adults.

Of course, there are some uncaring adults, and the negative attitudes of some kids are justified by the harsh treatment they’ve received. A child who feels threatened by the adults in his life will be angry and frustrated and he may act in a belligerent way. Any child who lives in an atmosphere of mistrust and inflexibility will have a hard time being open and cooperative. Misbehaving may be the only way he has to release his hostility and give back what he receives.

If your child shows a superficial dislike for adults, explain how you feel about his attitude and set limits on his behavior: “I don’t talk to you in a rude way, and I don’t want you to be rude to me.” “I want you to sound more respectful when you speak to your grandmother.” To lessen the impact of negative influences, limit TV time and talk to your child about his friends’ attitudes.

If he has a strong negative feeling toward adults, find out why. The cause may lie in the way he’s treated at home. Ask yourself, “Am I too controlling? Do I offer him choices or let him make decisions? Do I yell too much? Is my tone too angry? Do I compromise or listen enough? Am I a good role model?”

Let him express his feelings. This may be hard for you and for him if he hasn’t had much chance to speak out. Because of pent-up emotions, he may say very negative things about adults in general and you specifically: “You treat Jeffrey better than you treat me.” “You’re never home.” “You always make me do what I don’t want to do.” “You’re never happy with my report card.” “You get too mad.” “You never say I do a good job.” As difficult as it is to listen to such words, it’s important to take your child seriously. If necessary, use a timer so each of you can speak for five or ten uninterrupted minutes.

Once you know the causes of his negative attitude, both you and he will have to make changes. As a first step, give up unrealistic expectations for each other – there are no perfect children or parents. Show that you’re willing to compromise and cooperate. This may include treating him with more respect and changing some of the ways you act. Then set limits, letting him know how you expect him to behave. As he makes changes, offer frequent encouragement: “I’m enjoying our relationship much more now.” “Your attitude seems less negative.” “I appreciate the way you’ve been acting.” With patience and continuing effort, you and he can establish a more trusting and harmonious family life.

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Every parent has problems. There are the relatively minor ones of daily life – hectic schedules, errands, stressful commutes. There are chronic problems – job dissatisfaction, financial worries, and conflicts in the extended family. And there are crises – impending divorce, job loss, serious illness, substance abuse. A difficult issue for all parents is deciding how much to tell their children about these problems.

Many parents want to shelter their child, thinking she has enough pressures of her own from school, peers, sports, and chores. They don’t want to further burden her with parental problems she can’t solve or fully understand. Besides, parents are often embarrassed by their own problems or worried that their child will spread personal information outside the family.

However parents may remember their own early feelings about family problems and secrets. One woman recalls having little information about her parents’ arguments, but feeling worried mid responsible: “They would yell and I would hide my head under the pillow, hoping the noise would go away.” Some adults remember sneaking to overhear conversation and wishing their parents would reassure them: “I was scared when my father got so sick. I thought it was my fault.”

It’s difficult to keep serious problems from kids. When something is wrong, they sense their parents’ uneasy moods. They hear snatches of private phone calls and discussions. One ten-year-old whispered to a family friend who called, “My Mom can’t talk now. Her mother is very sick, but she doesn’t think I know.” Some kids hear angry outbursts: “I wish he’d stop drinking!” Her whole family is crazy!”

During stressful times, they also experience differences in their parents’ behavior, since a parent may be distracted or less patient about common annoyances: “Go do your homework in the other room!” “Turn your music down!” In the face of difficulties, some parents have a hard time controlling their emotions and actions. One mother, dealing with her husband’s job loss, took her frustrations out on her nine- and eleven-year-olds. She found fault with them and sometimes hit them, only to feel guilty about her lack of control: “My problems were so big, I couldn’t even handle a question like, and ‘Who’s taking me to baseball practice?’

The most common and upsetting problem children witness is marital stress. When a child overhears arguments between her parents, she feels frightened, powerless, and worried. If she’s not supposed to know about their conflict because they haven’t told her, she can’t ask questions or talk about her feelings. The problem may seem worse because she doesn’t have information. Like most kids, she may be quick to draw dreadful conclusions, blame herself, and fantasize about solutions. What she wants most is reassurance, but she can’t get it if her parents are secretive.

When deciding how much to tell your child, you have to consider many factors, including your need for privacy, your level of comfort, her emotional makeup, and her desire – or lack of desire – for information. If you’re an open person, you may not want to keep problems to yourself. If you’re private, you may be too uncomfortable to share. If your child is mature and empathetic, it may be fine to talk about some of your difficulties. A mother decided to tell her thirteen-year-old son about her nephew’s drug use. The boy was worried about his cousin but also relieved to know what had been bothering his mother.

However, if your child is not able to handle family problems, respect her wishes. One child, hearing of her parents’ conflicts with relatives, said, “Don’t tell me any more bad stories about Uncle Alex. They keep me from having fun when we go there.” She wanted to believe her family was happy and secure, and she felt overwhelmed by their conflicts.

It can take considerable energy to keep kids from knowing about your personal problems. You will have to hold on to your thoughts and hide your feelings. Yet, at times, the effort may help you put your difficulties in perspective: “I only stopped worrying about our finances when I concentrated on my son and his activities.”

Inevitably, there will be issues you want to or have to share with your child: “I may lose my job.” “I’m worried about Grandma’s health.” Tell her as much as she needs to know – not all the details, but enough to open communication and give her a chance to ask questions. If you are having marital conflicts, let her know about the general problem and make an effort to keep actual arguments private, behind closed doors.

When you tell her about your difficulties, apologize when appropriate for losing your temper or not being available. She may understand, but don’t expect her to feel as you do about your concerns or to offer solutions.

If communication is open without being overwhelming, she will feel included. Just knowing she can talk will lessen her anxiety, keep her from blaming herself for your problems, and make it easier for her to concentrate on school and her other activities. As you go through difficult times, she’ll see you handling hardships. She’ll understand that problems don’t have to be hidden and that it’s all right to ask for help. Even though there are few easy answers, you want her to learn that talking about hard times is helpful and healing. Later, when she needs your advice about her own difficulties, she won’t keep them to herself or worry that you can’t handle them emotionally. She’ll have learned from your example that problems don’t have to be secret.

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