Category Parenting Queries

Good communication is a basic part of successful family life. Parents and children should talk to each other often about a whole range of subjects – school, friends, news events, hobbies, sports, politics, art, humor, science, music, religion, nature. The more children discuss at home, the more they learn about themselves and their world and prepare for adult life. Home is the best place for wide-ranging discussions, since schools often emphasize silence and order, and young peers have only limited information and perspectives. At home, a child can test out his ideas and start to think critically, analytically, and abstractly.

Discussions come more easily for some families than others. Some parents never think of tossing ideas back and forth with their child. Others feel they don’t have time to sit and talk. Children who aren’t used to regular discussions rarely initiate conversations.

Most parents are greatly influenced by their own early experiences. If they grew up in families that valued talking, they speak often with their own children. One father remembers frequent discussions that turned into loud political debates. Although keeping up with his family was a constant challenge, he believes he learned a great deal from those early talks. Another parent has very different memories. Throughout her childhood she had to listen silently to her parents’ opinions. When she entered college, she froze if asked to speak in class. She’d had little experience sharing her ideas.

If you’d like your family to do more talking, set aside time for discussions. In the car, turn off the radio and start a conversation. Watch a little less TV, wake up twenty minutes early for a family breakfast, take an evening walk together, and chat during dinner or over a late-night snack. If there are enough opportunities, you and your child will start talking.

Show your interest by asking him questions: “What did you think of that movie?” “What’s the best thing that happened today?” “What changes would you make at your school?” “If you were given money to help others, what would you do?” Share anecdotes about your day, describe articles from the newspaper, offer stories about your past or your child’s early years, tell jokes. If he’s not used to discussions, let him do a lot of the talking. This will show you value his ideas and will enhance his self-esteem.

Don’t overwhelm him. In your eagerness to share information or insight, you may speak too long or too forcefully. Like most parents, you want to express your beliefs and shape your child’s views. But if he believes you will lecture him, dismiss his words, or start arguing, he’ll avoid family discussions. He’s most likely to listen and respond if conversations are low-key.

It’s important that you make the effort to talk with him. At times it may be difficult to listen to his opinions or focus on his interests. Still, by talking together, you show the value of sharing ideas. From simple family conversations, he’ll discover how to present himself, how to learn from others, and how to see the world from different viewpoints.

Getting kids to be respectful seems a never-ending struggle. Parents start working on this issue when their child is a preschooler. They continue through the early elementary years and still are giving reminders when she is in middle school. Despite increasing maturity, most ten-to thirteen-year-olds have to be told how to treat siblings, parents, teachers, coaches, and peers. Kids these ages do understand why they should treat people kindly. They can imagine themselves in another person’s place, they know what it’s like to be teased and have hurt feelings, and they think about the impact of their behavior. Yet, for a number of reasons, they can’t consistently translate their understanding into respectful action.

Some children are disrespectful because of the way they’ve been treated at home. If they don’t feel listened to or understood, they may react angrily. Kids also imitate their parents, and if a child’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas have been ridiculed, she will criticize and be inconsiderate of others. One mother told her child to stop being rude, then said, “Just shut up and leave me alone.” Another parent constantly found fault: “Why are you so lazy and disorganized?” Kids copy such words and attitudes.

Unfortunately, school is another place they learn disrespect. Most teachers have rules about acceptable classroom behavior: “Listen when others are talking.” “Don’t make fun of someone else’s mistakes.” However, some teachers are not kind when they talk to students. One thirteen-year-old told his mother, “The teachers are so mean. They tell us to show respect, but they yell at us and put kids down and order around all day.”

Some kids are disrespectful because their parents don’t place sufficient limits on inappropriate behavior. Parents may believe that rudeness at these ages is inevitable and they may excuse their child when she picks on unpopular classmates or calls them names: “Kids are cruel. They attack each other all the time.”

Consciously or unconsciously, parents may encourage their child’s disrespectful behavior. One boy loudly questioned a referee’s call during a Little League game. The boy’s father said, “Good. Somebody had to tell that guy off.” That parental attitude can be seen almost anywhere there’s competition: tennis matches, soccer fields, classrooms, neighborhood games.

Kids who are rude to parents may be quite polite when they’re away from home and talking to teachers, coaches, and their friends’ parents. Like adults, children tend to take their daily frustrations out on the ones they love and are most comfortable with. As long as a child is courteous away from home, her parents can be assured that she’s learned important lessons about getting along.

If you want your child to show more respect, set limits, and give frequent reminders. Let her know in a firm, clear way how she should behave: “I expect you to tell your sister what you feel without calling her names.” “You may not speak to Dad and me so rudely. We’ll listen if you change your tone.” Show her the difference between thoughtless and respectful language: “Instead of calling Sara a pig, say, ‘I’m angry at you for eating the candy. I wanted some.”

When you see your child acting rudely in public, avoid giving an immediate lecture. She won’t listen, but will only defend herself (“It wasn’t my fault!”) or talk back to you (“Leave me alone!”). Instead, give her a quiet suggestion or instruction: “You’re being too harsh.” “You need to be a better sport.” “You shouldn’t pick on a friend.”

Later, when the incident has passed and you and she are calmer, talk about what happened. The discussion may stir up feelings, so handle the subject delicately. First, listen to her defense and thoughts, and then tell her what you’ve observed: “When you ask for something, you sound very demanding.” Let her know how important her tone and choice of words are. Tell her to imagine herself in another person’s position.

Teaching your child to be respectful takes time, patience, and a lot of involvement; you also need to be a good role model. Eventually your words will get through and your child will learn to be respectful on her own.

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    Parents usually have good reasons for offering advice and guidance. From an adult perspective, they can see behavior in context and understand consequences. They give advice in order to help their child.

Yet kids often reject their parents’ lessons. What seems like good advice to an adult may sound like nagging to a child: “You’d get a better grade if your paper were neater.” “Homework before TV.” “Try to get along with your sister.” Many ten- to thirteen-year-olds react negatively to such words, especially if they don’t like the ideas or suggestions presented: “Leave me alone!” “Okay, okay, I hear you!”

What a child reacts to sometimes is the way advice is presented. Anything that sounds like a lecture is rejected: “When I was your age…” “You really should…” “You must stop…” “I know what’s best…” After hearing his child’s karate instructor speak about discipline, one father tried adding his own thoughts on the subject. “Dad, I already heard all this,” his son said.

Most often, kids don’t pay attention because they themselves feel unheard. In the rush to give advice, parents don’t always listen to what their child has to say. Instead, they interrupt him, ignore his words, or dismiss his arguments. Once he believes that they aren’t listening, he stops being receptive when they speak Instead, he shows anger and frustration. He rolls his eyes, looks exasperated, stomps off, or slams his door, shutting out whatever advice they offer.

This, of course, leaves parents feeling upset and confused. Parents want to get their opinions across, but they don’t know how. Many parent’s become harsh and demanding because they fear losing control over their child. They listen less and become more rigid in an attempt to make a point. Everyone is unhappy, and good advice goes unheard.

Communication doesn’t have to be this antagonistic—families can learn to speak and listen in friendlier, more respectful ways. A first step is letting your child express his opinions, even when they differ from yours. If he makes a seemingly unreasonable request, don’t respond with an automatic “No!” Instead, let him explain his side. He’ll feel heard, even if you turn down his request, and the fact that you listened will make it easier for him to pay attention to your ideas and advice.

Consider the words and tone you use when speaking to him. One parent lost his temper when his son asked for ten dollars: “What is it now? All I hear from you is ‘I need money.’ You’ve gotten enough!” Angry words or put-downs can make your child feel too defensive to listen. Instead, he’ll focus on defending himself when he finally has a chance to speak. If you use a patient, friendlier tone (“I know you’d like fifteen dollars for a T-shirt, but your blue shirt is still practically new,”) your child may not come around to your point of view, but at least he’ll feel less threatened. He’ll have an easier time listening to you and he’ll have an example of respectful communication to imitate.

To increase give-and-take in family communication, try asking him questions before offering your opinions: “What do you think you should do about your room?” “Why do you think Joey’s parents let him stay outside so late?” When you disagree on an issue, ask, “Why do you think Dad and I don’t want to say yes?” By this age, he should be able to predict your reasoning.

Take your time when responding to his requests, especially ones that make you angry. A moment spent considering your answer will give you time to calm down and will give your child a chance to rethink what he’s said. If you want to bring up a troublesome issue, try to choose a calm time and then take a few minutes to plan your advice or instructions: “We need to talk about how your short temper is affecting the rest of the family.” He will listen more readily to your reasonable statements than to a sudden outburst.

On some important or immediate issues, you will want him to listen to you without discussion: “It’s not safe to play around that way.” “You must change your tone of voice.” As long as he doesn’t always feel backed into a corner, unable to have his opinions heard, he’ll listen and respond when your words are urgent.

You may worry that you’ll lose parental control if you allow him to express his thoughts. However, letting him speak won’t interfere with your ability to set limits. Instead, it will create an atmosphere of mutual respect, making it easier for him to listen to you.

Throughout his life, your child will encounter people with different points of view and different ideas. The positive communication skills you model for him now will help him get along with his family and others in the future.

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      A child’s summer doesn’t have to be filled with camp and organized activities. Some parents decide not to send their children to camp at all, opting instead for a relaxed, unstructured few months. This works best for parents who can tolerate a loose schedule and follow their child’s lead, and who don’t mind a day without plans. Parents who prefer more structure or who can’t let their child stay home because of work schedules can still set aside some free summer time for the family to take it easy together.

     For a child, “taking it easy” can mean finding enjoyable things to do at home or in the neighborhood. Kids can play in backyard pools and sprinklers, plant a garden, fly kites, play with sand, play hopscotch, draw a chalk design on the sidewalk, play tennis and baseball, skate, have a yard sale, play board games, build a fort, go to playgrounds, ride a bike, sell lemonade, learn to knit or draw, read, or write a story. Kids can play with friends, by themselves, or with the family. They can continue many of the recreational classes and lessons they took during the school year.

     Summer is an important time for families. Schedules are often less hectic and there are more opportunities to be together. Even if both parents work, longer daylight hours leave evenings open for such activities as soccer, badminton, swimming, hide and seek acting, hiking, baking, and reading together. If parents have errands, they can take their child along and include time for an ice cream stop. If they have to work over the weekend, they can take him with them and let him work at something too.

     If you decide not to send your child to camp, try to strike a balance between freedom and structure. Whatever he does, he’ll still need supervision. A six- to nine-year-old lacks the judgment to play without being frequently checked on by an adult. On the other hand, free time should remain relatively open. Don’t fill all his hours with prearranged activities or pressure him to accomplish many goals. Leave him time to explore and play on his own.

     While he is home, his friends may be off at camp; this won’t be a problem if he can occupy himself. But if he gets bored or lonely, you should help him find activities to get involved in. You may decide to compromise and send him to camp for part of the summer, letting him have the rest of the summer free.

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“Are we almost there?”

“How long, ‘til we get there?”

“I’m tired of riding!”

      Traveling by car with children can be a challenge. They get bored and restless when confined to a small space for hours, and siblings forced to sit with each other often end up arguing and whining. It takes advance planning and patience if parents want travel too relatively smoothly.

      Before the trip, tell your child some of the travel details, including where you’ll be driving, when you’ll be stopping each day, and how long the trip will take. Talk about points of interest along the way, perhaps consulting guide books for information about an area’s history and special sites. Also talk to her about behaving in the car. Let her know ahead of time how you want her to act.

      Try to make the drive as physically comfortable as possible. Have her bring a pillow and blanket, and be sure she’s wearing comfortable clothes. Have her wear shoes she can take off during the ride and quickly get into for short stops.

      As much as possible, time your travels to coincide with your child’s schedule. Early morning and late evening are usually calm times for six- to nine-year-olds, and she may sleep if your drive includes those hours. Plan plenty of stops for snacks or exercise. Look for rest stops with playgrounds or safe areas for jogging or jumping jacks. A ten-minute break can help her feel less restless. Changing seats periodically may help, too. Let her have a turn in the front seat where she’ll have a good view as you drive.

      Listen to the radio, a tape, or CD together, or let her bring a Walkman with headphones. Sing together or play car games such as Twenty Questions, I Spy, or Road Bingo. If you’re able to read while riding, pick a story to read aloud to the family. You can buy or rent audio recorded stories or poems or bring a tape recorder so she can make her own cassette.

      Pack several small bags for her to have in the car-one with food, one with things to do. The food bag can contain drinks and a variety of snacks that can be easily handled. The “fun” bag can include a deck of cards, paper, pens, stickers, a book, a magazine, a comic book, pipe cleaners, a small jewelry making kit, a pocket video game, or a simple map you’ve drawn showing where you’re going and what’s interesting along the way. Also encourage her to bring her own bag of amusements from home.

      Periodically during the trip you may want to give her small surprises geared to her interests. One child spent an hour making bracelets out of colored string and beads. Another worked on a book of mazes.

      Any new toy, game, or interesting object will hold your child’s attention for a while, but if the trip is long, you’ll eventually hear, “Are we almost there?” (Be prepared to answer that several times.) But at least with patience and planning, you can avoid major conflicts and keep her reasonably content for most of your drive.

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     Most kids view summer as a welcome reprieve from the classroom and aren’t anxious to work on academic subjects at home. This causes many parents to worry that their child will lose ground over the summer. They believe that after two and one-half to three months without math, reading, and spelling, he’ll forget a great deal and may fall behind.

     Some parents decide to enroll their child in summer school, either for remedial work or enrichment. Most school systems offer a summer program, usually aimed at students with academic difficulties. Some parents hire a tutor to maintain or enhance their child’s academic skills. However, most families don’t pursue such structured learning during the summer.

     Instead, they design their own plans (or plans suggested by their child’s teacher) to keep the summer months from being all play and no work. Parents may have him read for a certain period each day, or she may set goals for the summer such as learning multiplication tables, studying vocabulary words, researching a topic, or working through a book of science experiments.

     The most important thing you can do to help your child maintain his skills is encourage him to read. You can get reading lists from the school, libraries, on-line sites, and books about literacy. Encourage your child to join the local library summer reading club. Let him choose materials that interest him—novels, biographies, sports stories, magazines. If he has a hobby, urge him to read about his subject and study it in-depth.

     You should also encourage him to write. He may like keeping a journal or computer file of his daily activities, thoughts, and feelings. He can write stories and poems or a play that he and his friends or siblings can act out. He can also write letters and emails to friends, relatives, or a pen pal.

     You can set aside time to read out loud to him or to work on specific areas with which he needs help. But keep the lessons short and light and consider offering occasional rewards to keep him going. If he does math or spelling periodically, he may accomplish quite a bit before school begins. Academic learning can certainly continue during the summer, but you should present it in a relaxed way, remembering that your child sees summer primarily as a time for fun.

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