Category Parenting Queries

Going to sleepover camp for the first time is an important event in a child’s life. It’s often the first long separation for parents and child and it signals an increasing independence. Parents of early elementary-aged children wonder when and if their child should take this big step.

     Many factors determine her readiness to be away from home for an extended period. Age is a major consideration. A six-year-old is too young for even a one-week program, but some seven- and eight- years olds and many nine-year-olds can handle being away for one to four weeks. Sometimes the maturity of a child, rather than her age, will determine how successful her camp experience will be.

     A child who wants to go to overnight camp will have an easier time than one whose parents have convinced her to go. Some kids, especially those with older siblings, are anxious to start sleepover camp. They may have felt a great sense of loss seeing a brother or sister go off: “My life will be ruined when Marissa goes away!” “It’s not fair, Mom. You let Stephen go away to camp. I want to go too!” A young child who’s heard camp stories from siblings, friends, parents, and other relatives may have exciting visions of overnight camp: “Molly says you have so much fun, you forget you have parents.”

     A young child who’s not interested in overnight camp shouldn’t be sent. If parents, anxious for time alone, push her into a program before she’s ready, they may pay for the mistake later. She may be angry and resentful or feel insecure about leaving home before she’s comfortable doing so. One eight-year-old told her friend, “You cry a lot at camp because you miss your parents.”

     If a child does want to go to overnight camp, how can her parents tell if she’s ready? They should ask themselves these questions: Does she enjoy overnights with friends or relatives? Is she asking to go to camp? Does she like lots of activity? Does she make friends easily? Can they imagine her recovering quickly from the inevitable homesickness she’ll feel at camp? How does she deal with small hurts and frustrations? Can she handle a lack of family contact for one to four weeks? Many camps have done away with visiting days and allow no personal phone calls.

     Parents should ask if their child has any real idea of the time involved. She may want to go away for two weeks without realizing how long that is, since most six- to nine-year-olds have a changing view of time. A birthday four months away is coming “soon.” A TV show that she’s anxious to see the next week may not be on for a “long time.”

     Once parents have decided she’s ready for camp, their decisions about the summer will hinge on finding a camp that meets their needs. They should seek recommendations from other families and send away for information. Some camps offer videos for home viewing. Some set up slide shows for prospective campers or put families in touch with former campers.

     If parents think ahead, they can visit a camp the summer before sending their child. Both parents and child may be surprised at what they see. One young girl was dismayed to find that campers sleep on cots in a bunkhouse rather than in beds in bedrooms. She lost her interest. Another child was delighted with the craft and drama projects she saw: “I love it. This is the camp I’m going to.”

     Parents should gather as much information about a prospective camp as they can. What is the counselor/child ratio? What is the camp director like? How many kids attend the camp? What activities are offered? How structured and full is the day? Does each camper pick a specialty? Are there field trips and special events? How is discipline handled? Are doctors and nurse on duty at all times? Can a child receive allergy shots? How are dietary restrictions accommodated? What strategies are used when campers get homesick?

     As you make your decision, don’t be swayed by pressure from others. Some parents may try to convince you to send your child: “What are you waiting for? Don’t be so overprotective.” Others may try to persuade you to keep her home. Do what seems best for your family. Many kids never go to overnight camp, and many who do, wait until they’re ten, twelve, or even fourteen years old. The right time to send your child is when she wants to go and is mature enough to have a good time.

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Parents have a lot to consider before selecting a day camp for their child—cost, location, hours, transportation, the program’s activities, the quality of the program, their child’s interests, his friends, and the availability of after-camp day care. Since some camps fill up rapidly, parents may have to make camp decisions long before they feel ready to think about summer.

      Urban and suburban areas offer many choices. There are private day camps run for profit and ones run by non-profit organizations such as the YMCA. There are municipal camps. Many private schools have summer camp programs and some public schools are leased during the summer by private or public camps.

      If parents want to keep costs down, they’ll find that municipal camps are the least expensive. If transportation is a problem, they should look for camps close to home or work, or ones offering bus transportation. If parents need after-camp day care for their child, they should inquire about extended day programs.

      After considering the practical side of summer arrangements, parents will still be faced with choices. Since there are general as well as specialized day camps, you should carefully consider your child’s hobbies, interests, and personality. Would he enjoy a sports camp? arts or music camp? computer camp? Would he prefer an indoor camp? Would he be happier in a camp offering a mix of activities? Will he be unhappy without a friend along?

      Some kids are reluctant to go to camp without knowing someone, since the two- to eight-week sessions may not be enough time to form friendships. Parents sometimes make decisions based only on where their child’s friends are going. Also, some parents send all of their own children to the same camp regardless of the children’s interests, because they want the siblings to be together.

As you look for camps, ask other parents for suggestions, write for information, and check with local government recreation departments for recommendations.

      If your child’s school is the site of a summer camp, he may be anxious to go there because it’s familiar. This may be a good idea, but he may be upset if he’s expecting the summer to be like the school year. He may be troubled, especially if he’s only six years old, to see different furniture in the classrooms, different adults in charge, and different kids. If you enroll him in a local school camp, prepare him for the changes he’ll see.

      If he has special health needs, look for camp that will make the summer pleasant and successful. For instance, one child with asthma triggered by allergens did best in an air-conditioned environment. He attended an indoor camp offering arts and crafts, sports, and computer instruction.

      Your child may tell you he doesn’t want to go to camp although he will still need to be busy and productive. A summer at home may he fine if your schedule can accommodate it. However, you may be put in a bind if you work or if you feel he should be enrolled in an organized program for the summer. One solution is to look for a camp with reduced hours. You also can find out why he’s reluctant to go to camp. If he doesn’t want to take swimming lessons, is uncomfortable changing his clothes in a locker room, doesn’t want to take part in some of the activities, is generally hesitant about new situations, or has another problem, talk to him about his feelings and offer ideas and reassurance. If necessary, seek suggestions from camp counselors or directors. You should be able to find a flexible program that will accommodate his needs.

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The most common musical instrument for six- to nine-year-olds to play is the piano. Sometimes children eagerly ask to begin lessons. More often, parents arrange lessons because they want to introduce their child to music. It makes sense for her to start piano lessons at these ages. Young children often catch on easily, quickly learning to read music and play.

However, many kids grow tired of piano lessons because of practice, written work, or an unsympathetic teacher. A child who’s still getting used to homework will balk at having to practice piano each day. She also won’t want to do written theory work. And if her teacher is demanding, the child will dread lessons and ask to quit.

This leads to a dilemma. Parents don’t want endless struggles over lessons, but they also don’t want their child to give up. Many parents took lessons as children, quit after a few years, and regret not having continued their musical education. They don’t want their child to repeat that mistake.

In most cases, a child is too young to make the decision to quit. Parents should decide for her, and only after they’ve done everything they can to make lessons succeed.

First, parents should choose a teacher wisely and look for a new teacher if the current one is not effective. They should consider the personality, philosophy, and expectations of a teacher. The teacher should enjoy working with children and display patience with them at various skill and interest levels. Tolerance is important because skills and interests constantly change as kids grow and develop.

Most parent-child battles about piano lessons are about practicing. Many children who enjoy the weekly lesson dislike playing alone each day. If parents find that forcing or pressuring their child to practice is causing her to hate playing, they should reevaluate the need for daily practice.

She can slowly learn to play the piano just by playing half an hour per week during her lesson. Rather than have her quit lessons, some parents decide to let their child cut back or give up practicing altogether for a while. Once the pressure to practice is off, many kids begin to enjoy the piano again.  They may later resume practicing on their own or according to a modified schedule put together by parents or the teacher. If a teacher isn’t willing to work with a student who practices sporadically or not at all, parents should look for a new, more flexible instructor.

Some parents deal with the problem of practicing by getting more involved. They sit with their child as she plays, praising and encouraging her or just listening. Many children practice willingly when their parents take an interest. Parents also can stress the importance and joy of music, making it part of their everyday life. They can play an instrument (if they have the skill) or sing, and they can listen to recorded music or attend concerts with their child.

Most kids enjoy lessons and practice more if they have some say in selecting the music. It’s more fun for a child to play an occasional piece that’s familiar than to play straight through a beginning piano book. Parents, teacher, and child can talk together about pieces she might enjoy. In addition, parents can take her to a music store and let her select some easy sheet music.

Finally, they can try a system of rewards to motivate her to practice. The promise of a treat at the end of the week or month can keep her playing until the natural enjoyment of music takes over.

If your child is complaining, resist the temptation to give in and let her quit immediately. Once she stops piano, she will most likely never begin again. You may find it’s better in the long run to ease up on all pressure than to let her stop completely. Even if she’s only playing for her weekly lesson, if you’re patient, she may discover the pleasures of making music. It’s better for her to learn slowly, without stress, than to quit altogether.

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Parents are usually pleased when their child begins an organized sport. Not only is there the excitement of games, meets, and exhibitions, but there’s the knowledge that sports provide many benefits. Kids who participate can learn valuable lessons about skills, perseverance, self-discipline, meeting challenges, responsibility, sportsmanship, teamwork, winning and losing, and doing their best.

A child chooses a sport based on his interests and his desire to participate with friends. Parents usually help make the selection, occasionally vetoing a sport. One father wanted his son to play pee-wee football and excitedly took him to the first practice. However, the other kids were much larger than the boy, and the father quickly changed his mind.

As parents help their child pick a sport, they should keep his abilities, interests, maturity, and age in mind. Some six- and seven-year-olds are not ready for organized sports. Parents should consider practical issues. A sport requiring a great deal of practice may not leave enough time for homework, play, and relaxation. Above all, parents should help him pick a sport he’ll enjoy and feel good about, since a successful experience with organized sports can enhance his self-image. As his skills improve and he learns to get along with teammates and coaches, he’ll feel proud of his abilities. This, in turn, will reinforce his desire to keep playing and getting better.

Of course, some children are more serious about sports than others. While one child may view baseball as just activity, another child may be intensely interested. He might practice on his own, have his gear ready, and keep careful track of his game schedule.

A vital part of a successful sports experience for any child is parental involvement. Kids like their parents to come to games and exhibitions. When parents offer support—cheering the team on, watching occasional practices, practicing with their child, talking about games—a child is likely to maintain a high level of interest.

Another important aspect of organized sports is a child’s relationship with his coach. Coaches are generally friendly, inspiring, and fair. An effective one will bring out the best in his players or students while setting a tone of good sportsmanship and respect. Some coaches may mean well but lack the interpersonal or athletic skills to do a good job. Then there are coaches so focused on winning that they bully their players and offer a poor role model. Parents should discuss any concerns with a coach, offering suggestions if necessary: “I have a sensitive child who’s afraid you’ll yell at her if she misses the ball.” “Would you let my child compete in the backstroke? He’d really like to give it a try.”

Kids playing organized sports can face considerable pressure, not just from aggressive coaches. Some parents are overpowering, forcing their child to play a particular sport or speaking critically of his abilities. At many games, they can be heard shouting harsh comments from the sidelines: “Next time kick the ball harder!” “What’s wrong with you? You shouldn’t have missed that.”

Of course, it can be difficult for parents to watch their child compete. If he doesn’t do well, they may feel embarrassed: “Why can’t he play better?” “I wish she’d remember her moves.” They may feel unhappy if he seems nervous, distracted, or tired. It’s common for young children to forget the rules, yell, miss the ball, throw things in frustration, and cry.

Before criticizing, parents should consider the frustrations their child may feel. He has to abide by rules that sometimes seem arbitrary or unfair, and he has to get along with children who are more or less skilled than he. He may be disappointed if he’s not a starter or doesn’t play the whole game, and at times he has to accept losing. A child involved in sports needs parental support and guidelines.

At some point, if your child is particularly good at a sport, he may be encouraged to compete at a more advanced level. Various sports have select or tournament teams or classes for children with outstanding athletic ability. Such groups offer new challenges and a chance to demonstrate and improve skills in a highly competitive atmosphere. While you and he may be very pleased with his acceptance into an elite group, you may be unsure about pursuing the opportunity.

Ask yourself these questions: Does he want to participate? Can he accept the pressure he’s likely to feel from coaches and teammates? Can he handle the competition? Does he have time for added practice? Are you able to do the necessary driving? pay the additional fees? give the time required?

If he does join a select team, you may see a difference in his attitude. His emphasis may shift from having fun with a sport to perfecting his skills, getting better, and winning. Select coaches are often inflexible about their standards and demands, and your child may have some trouble adjusting at first. He may complain about his coach: “Just because I didn’t do a perfect handstand, he made me start over.” “I missed a couple of shots in practice and now I can’t do the corner kicks in the game.” Stay in touch with the coach so you can evaluate and discuss your child’s concerns.

Whether your child is involved with a highly competitive team or a regular one, at some point he may want to quit. Don’t let him make an impulsive decision—many children never go back to a sport once they’ve quit. Talk to him about the pressures and his feelings. If he’s upset over one incident, speak with his coach and try to resolve the situation.

In most cases, have your child finish out the season, especially if his teammates are counting on him. However, if pressures of his sport seem to have a consistently negative effect on his family life or schoolwork, allow him to stop a team sport mid-season or mid-class. Even then, present his quitting as taking a break from sports rather than ending his involvement altogether. Your child might welcome the suggestion that next season; you and he can look for another team so he can try again.

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The art projects kids do in school are not particularly creative. Some teachers distribute pre-cut figures to be decorated, or tell the whole class to make identical orange pumpkins or Mayflower ships. Students are given coloring book-type sheets and told to color them in neatly. Such work leaves little room for expression and creativity. If parents want their child to have fun doing original artwork, they usually have to encourage it at home.

They can begin by providing a variety of appealing art materials: clay, sculpting compounds, candle wax and beeswax, an assortment of pens, pencils, paints and markers, good quality paper, glue, scissors, popsicle sticks, small pieces of fabric and felt, wood chips, buttons, or glitter. These materials can be found at variety stores, hobby and art supply shops, and office supply stores.

If a child already has a preference for one medium, parents can provide appropriate materials. A child who enjoys painting can be offered a table easel and paints of different sorts, including watercolors, acrylics, oil, and tempera. Parents can try giving different sized brushes, paper, and canvas. The materials they buy should allow open-ended artwork. Coloring books, paint by number pictures, and pre-cut projects limits a child’s creativity. Parents who want to encourage their child’s free expression should avoid them.

A child will be tempted to try new art materials if they’re stored in an accessible place or set out in an appealing way. Parents can leave markers and paper on the kitchen table where she will see them and be tempted to start drawing. They can reserve an accessible shelf, box, or drawer for art materials. They can set aside space in the basement or elsewhere for large art projects and materials such as easels. She will feel she has a special place for her big cardboard sculptures and creations made out of straws, paper mache, or clay.

One of the best places for working on smaller projects is the kitchen, since it’s often the center of the home. While a child works, her parents can be nearby, ready to look at a new project or listen to her talk about her creation.

Some parents hesitate to encourage artwork at home because they fear a mess. However, table surfaces can be protected easily with newspaper or vinyl covers. A child can wear old clothes when she works, or cover her clothes with a smock. Also, parents can avoid presenting messy supplies such as paste and glue, instead offering an interesting selection of colored pencils, pens, and markers.

Parents shouldn’t make clean-up a major issue. A child may avoid artwork altogether if she knows she has to do a big clean-up when she’s done. Parents who aren’t willing to help their child with the job should provide materials that are easy to put away.

When your child is finished with an art project, compliment her work and avoid passing negative judgments. Since children’s art is often assigned and judged in school, let her work at home be enjoyable and free from criticism. She will be upset and discouraged to hear you say, “Straighter lines,” “Less paint,” “More trees.” Even if she asks for your advice, be gentle: “Do you want to add some flowers to the garden?” or, “Can you think of a way to add more color?”

Comment positively on her use of shape, design, and color. If you’re sure of the subject of a drawing, say, “What a beautiful bird,’ or, “That looks like a very fast car.” If you’re not sure, simply say, “Very nice, you spent a lot of time on that.” You also can ask her to tell you about the project: “Where did you get your idea?” “How did you swirl the colors together?” “Do you want to describe this picture for me?”

She may be very concerned about the success of her artwork. If a project doesn’t turn out as she’d planned, she may feel frustrated and disappointed. Try to encourage her and suggest ways her “mess up” can be turned into something else.

Sometimes a younger sibling will give up on art if she decides her older brother or sister is better than she. Don’t let this happen. Continue to provide materials, praise your child’s attempts, and don’t compare her to her siblings. Since most kids enjoy the sense of accomplishment finished artwork can bring, she will most likely continue creating as long as you provide materials and let her know you appreciate her work.

Finally, encourage her to do as much artwork as she likes. The more she draws, paints, and sculpts, the better she’ll become and the better she’ll feel about her creations.

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Kids enjoy watching TV, playing video and computer games, and going on the Internet. Parents often are ambivalent and worried about these occupations. They want their child to be happy, they welcome the peace that comes when he’s occupied, and yet they consider many of his programs, games, and websites a waste of time or even dangerous. How can they balance their feelings and their child’s desires?

They can begin by considering the appeal of TV, games, and the computer. Children relax in front of TV, just as many adults do. Appropriate programs are entertaining or at least diverting. Even commercials are interesting to a child. The toys look inviting, although six- to nine-year-olds may no longer be convinced by a sales pitch: “That truck doesn’t really climb mountains.”

Video and computer games are popular for a number of reasons. They’re exciting, challenging, and action-filled. A child works on the skills that help him win, such as visual-motor and small muscle coordination. Games offer immediate feedback in the form of points and new action, and a child always has the option to start over if he loses or doesn’t like the way a game’s going.

Game-playing is also appealing because it leads to social contacts. Children share games, and playing tips, developing an information network that excludes adults. Six- to nine-year-olds enjoy playing video and computer games together, taking turns, watching and encouraging each other.

When a child plays these games, he feels powerful. He’s controlling characters that fight and capture each other, win sports contests, or go on mysterious quests. It’s easy to see how attractive this is to a child who spends most of his day being controlled by others. In the classroom the teacher tells him when he can talk, how long he has to eat lunch, when to go outside, and what to do. At home, parents are in charge. But while playing a video or computer game, a child has power over a made-up world.

The appeal of the computer is obvious to adults. Kids, especially eight- and nine-year-olds, can visit interesting sites, do research and homework, enter chat rooms, send emails and instant messages, use word processing and arts software, do puzzles, and otherwise be exposed to new and intriguing things.

But there are problems with TV, video games, and computers. Their content is often violent, sexual, or otherwise inappropriate for elementary-aged children. Parents have to put strong limits on the kinds of shows, video games, and computer sites their child is exposed to. Parental controls, ratings, reviews, and mechanical devices can help parents protect their child from questionable material. And while parents can’t necessarily control what he watches at friends’ houses, they can discuss their wishes with other parents.

Even without content problems, video and computer games can be very frustrating for children these ages. A child may work on a game for hours or days, only to lose and have to start all over. Parents sometimes hear screams of anger from a child who can’t take the pressure or frustration. When he has trouble dealing with this aspect of game-playing, he may take his feelings out on whoever’s closest: “Get out of my room!” “Leave me alone!” When kids are upset about their games they don’t often get sympathy from their parents: “If you’re this upset, why do you play?”

Watching TV has its own negative effects. Children may be confused and upset because they’re not always sure what’s real or made up, and they accept as fact much of what they hear about disasters, sickness, violence, drug abuse, war, and crime, as well as what they see about relationships and how people treat each other. The evening news can frighten a child.

After a disturbing program or misleading show, a child needs explanations, reassurance, and answers to his questions. Unfortunately, parents are often not watching with him and may not be available to help. Even when they are there, he may still may be exposed to disturbing or uncomfortable sights that remain with him. One child worried continuously after seeing news clips of an earthquake. An eight-year-old saw passionate kissing on TV and said, “Is that their real lips touching? Oooh. That’s so gross.” And certainly all children and their parents are upset after seeing clips of terrorists, school violence, and shootings.

There’s another problem related to this issue: children who spend too much time watching TV, playing video games, and being on the computer have less time for reading, playing outside, sports, crafts, homework, socializing, and being with the family. Some kids spend time watching and playing video games because they can’t think of anything else to do. In such cases, parents should offer alternatives such as a parent-child board game, time with a friend, reading aloud, or going to a playground. Also, they should consider enrolling him in organized activities, lessons, or sports.

Parents take many different approaches to controlling TV, time spent on the computer, and video games. Some forbid their use on weekdays, some allow them after homework is done, and some set a precise time limit: “You can have the TV on for an hour a day.” “I’ll only let you play video games for half an hour when you come home from school.”

Some parents set no limits, instead using TV, video games, and the computer to occupy their child. As long as he’s quiet and out of the way, they don’t regulate this time at all. While all parents occasionally resort to these activities to keep kids busy, it’s harmful to give children total control over how they occupy their time.

When deciding how best to manage your child’s watching and playing, evaluate the impact TV and the computer are having on him. Is he falling behind in his schoolwork? Is he getting his homework done? Does he play outside? read? get involved with hobbies, crafts, and extracurricular activities? Is he tense or preoccupied with thoughts about TV programs? Is he playing too aggressively? Does he focus too much on playing and winning video games? Are his fears increasing?

You can limit your child’s viewing and playing time without setting up a strict, schedule. Take a flexible approach, letting him spend more time on video games when friends are over since he’s socializing as he plays. Allow longer playing time when he has a new game or is almost finished solving an old one. Extend TV viewing hours during weekends and holidays or when a special show is on. Cut back when you want him involved in other activities. If he has trouble tearing himself away, give him fair warning: “You have fifteen more minutes on the Internet, and then you’ll have to find something else to do.”

Factors such as the weather and sickness will help determine how much viewing, computer time, and game playing you’ll allow. Your goal is to strike a balance between his wish to spend time on games and shows (ones you’ve OK’d), and your desire to see him use his time more productively.

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